Of Loyalty and Reality
by ApeInDapperCape
Summary: About 18 months after the final battle Hermione is back at Hogwarts to take her NEWTS, but the sacrifices she made during the war and the bigot moral code of the wizarding world have left her physiologically and psychologically scarred. Reconciliation, support, friendship and love come from two unexpected wizards during the course of appr. 22 chapters.
1. Chapter 01: Have a Christmas, sir

_Dear community,_

_JKR has inspired me as she did with so many and now I've borrowed her characters as well to play with them a little. Eventually, I'll give them all back._

**_Maybe some mild warnings are in order:_**

_The story roughly follows canon until the Golden Trio got captured and was brought to Malfoy Manor. After that, things in this story got a bit worse for Hermione, while Severus and Remus have survived. If you insist on a loveable Minerva McGonagall or Molly Weasley and/or if you dislike HG/SS and/or if you dislike same-sex relationships this story might not be for you and you may become happier reading something else. For the rest of you: I hope you enjoy reading about them as much as I enjoy writing them a new story._

_The M-rating: Mostly this is overdoing it, but I don't want to take the risk with regard to minor readers. I'll specifically inform about to be expected M-parts at the beginning of each chapter._

_Lots of love to all of you here, there and everywhere from Ape._

* * *

**01 Have a Christmas, sir**

**25 December 1999**

"_What_, are you doing here, Miss Granger? No students were expected at school during the Christmas holidays," he snarled gloomily.

Being soaked up in her book, she didn't hear him entering the Great Hall and startled at his voice from opposite the table where he stood glowering down at her. Goodness, did he always have to be that sneaky? It caught her mind that he probably kept practicing his spy talents, maybe only for the benefit of catching students in whatever inappropriate – or even _appropriate_ – situation for that matter. At that, her lips twitched slightly. However, while his general behavior since the war normally added a good degree to her notion, that some things hadn't changed at least, his behavior towards her in particular had the complete opposite effect. Mentally immediately shrugging-off the flicker of sadness that came indeed with both notions, she schooled her face to neutrality within a second. She had some practice by now after all. She knew, once unleashed, she wouldn't be able to handle the sadness inside her, which was very likely to arise from that flicker already, especially given the holiday at hand and not wanting this particular professor witnessing it.

"Having myself a merry little Christmas- breakfast, sir," she answered as airily as she could muster.

Though she had recognized that there was only one more chair to the single table, which only occurred for the holiday season for all remaining students and teachers to sit together in a round of equality, she didn't know which professor would be in charge of supervising this year. Although having hoped for Flitwick or even Trelawney, she had had a faint hutch that it would be the unsociable dark Potions master. However, it was holiday season and thus she could easily sidestep him.

"_Don't_ get sarcastic with me, Miss Granger. I am most certainly not one for merry or lenient, let alone spoiling Christmas. You may feel reliably informed about the remaining possibility of point-loss and detentions," he forbiddingly growled.

"It's duly noted, sir!" Hermione tried to bite back the sarcastic intonation. After all, it was Christmas, they were both adults and with no other students to witness anything, no urgent educational need for his head-off-biting teacher mode presented itself; at least not in her humble opinion.

To her eight-year old things-to-bloody-well-sidestep-unless-fancying-to-end-up-a-case-of-body-nowhere-to-be-found list, the young woman automatically added a mental note of Severus obviously also not being a person for Christmas. Well, apart from obviously not being a person for chatter, laziness, dawdling, dunderheads, all remaining heads in general and Hermione's head in particular _and_ under any circumstances-, also obvious.

How wonderful to be once again the addressee of the sheer joy bubbling out of him. Doesn't it feel good to be cherished on the holiday of love and peace, she thought sarcastically, mentally rolling her eyes at his attitude and at herself for another flicker of sadness. Get a grip and your defenses up,Granger,she chastised inwardly.

Even after all these years of being student and teacher, of common order activity including everything they had done, witnessed, endured and survived, she still couldn't quite put a finger on the reason why he loathed her. It was mind-boggling although undoubtedly, a couple of reasons presented themselves: The first one being that she used to be part of the Golden Trio, which he clearly only tolerated for the sake of the greater good. Somehow she had believed his aversion was mainly focused on Harry and she was just a case of cling together, swing together. Of course she was also aware of Severus having been annoyed by her enthusiasm in class. Retrospectively, she could admit having been a nuisance and was glad for his self-control on actually never having hexed her into next week, especially given the constant strain he was under before the final battle. But she had just been a kid then, had never done _real_ harm and could only be blamed for having been thirsty for knowledge and, admittedly, the unstoppable desire of proving it at any occasion. But if his deep grudge was really built on that, he certainly wouldn't have let her assist him brewing healing potions in his lab in his presence. They could have easily brewed in shifts to stock-up the supplies to be prepared for the war casualties on _the side of light, _as all were labeled, who opposed the megalomaniac Voldemort on his brutal campaign to clean the world of anyone considered not pure and make it a place of darkness, with little hope for everyone being unworthy – by whatever arbitrary definition of worthiness he might come up with.

Severus had very likely not just endured her presence back then as there had been many civilized conversations on a couple of topics during which she had found herself having enjoyed his company. And since he had always had the habit of just scaring everyone he found unnerving into silence or out of the room, she had gotten the idea that he might had enjoyed himself too. Actually, Hermione was quite sure about it and she still cherished those memories of the brainy and witty man with the extraordinary observance skills and a deadpan sense of humor. Although even during those weeks, he had actually never been nice to her in an averagely socialized way. But judged within the framework of his normally displayed teacher demeanor, she had started to think of him as something close to a friend, someone who matched her interests and offered incredible input and even tea, both only if in the mood to of course.

Well, she agreed with herself once more that the increased intensity of his aversion towards her was founded in something else. And Hermione believed that this _something _was the same reason of mostly everyone's resentment of her. Although his very likely rooted in another aspect of the story, no matter how out of line the resulting explanation was with Severus' personality. This aspect was based in a dark two-week period he had witnessed and which had started after their capture by Greyback's snatchers in the woods. In fact this had been herdarkest period at the extensive _party_ \- as she sarcastically named it - at Malfoy Manor, during which she had been used to entertain the guests and where Severus had shown-up twice for all that she remembered. Besides him only the Malfoys were still alive of those, who had witnessed her attendance there.

By the time she had recognized Severus' velvety voice in the drawing room for the first time, she had lost track of time already. Everything had blurted into one overwhelming mess of timeless pain and a devastating numbness of mind, probably some kind of survival mechanism. Despair had slowly turned into indifference and had only been interrupted on waking up and realizing that death, once again, hadn't wanted her yet. Maybe even death had been repelled by the lingering smell of a diversity of body fluids surrounding her.

Unexpectedly having heard Severus expressing his delight to some of the Death Eaters on seeing the 'annoying mudblood' he had 'had to endure for six years to finally pay her dues' with as much appropriate disgust in his voice as the situation and his position amongst his fellow Death Eaters had called for, she had known that she hadn't given away his secret yet. And protecting the knowledge of his double-agent status was one of the most important secrets to keep for the sake of their victory.

That there was still hope for the side of light had been a helpful reminder, since her memories at that time had already been hazy, due to curses, rape, lack of water and sleep. His words uttered there had never shuttered her and she knew that was because she somehow trusted him on a deeper level. On the day when Severus, in a creepy voice, had asked his megalomaniac master that come the time, to allow him to throw the remains of her body in front of Potter's feet to make him and his pathetic followers see their future, had given her a bit of peace too. The dark Potions master wouldn't leave her soon to be dead body (or whatever parts would be left of it) amongst those evil creatures in human shells, but would bring her home: back to light, back to humanity.

And he had brought her back. However, she hadn't been dead, though not really alive either. She'd never heard him coming, but he had touched her cheek and had asked her to try and open her eyes. She had recognized the velvety voice and had been awed by its tone and the warmth it carried, so different from the one of his feared teacher or Death Eater persona. Hermione had wanted to comply, but literally hadn't been able to. Trying however, had seemed to be enough for him as he had then told her to let it be, while acknowledging her effort by gently stroking her cheek. Lowly-voiced he had insisted that she drank the potions he then poured slowly into her mouth. As it had become clear that Hermione's tries to move the right muscles to swallow turned out to be a lost cause as well, he had gently massaged them down her throat. The last real thing she clearly remembered was a sentence: "No one will hurt you anymore." And as soon as she had felt him carefully picking her up rather than levitating her, she had relaxed and passed into welcomed darkness once more. There she had stayed for six more weeks to follow until she woke up in St Mungo's Hospital.

Next time she had seen Severus had been in court without any display of recognizing her presence whatsoever. He had simply looked through her. She hadn't exactly expected animated chatter or words at all really, but at least a greeting nod, a sympathetic nod, a nod proving she was not invisible. Her bar hadn't lain punishingly high then. Her focus had been elsewhere: She had still been in constant fear and pain, had thus been incessantly drugged, insomniac and extremely thin-skinned. But for Merlin's sake, he _had_ saved her.

Was a _nod _asked too much? Had he been disgusted by what she had looked like or smelled like? Okay, maybe that was female vanity. He had carried her after all. It was more likely due to what she had done to ease her pain once she had realized that dying wasn't easily managed—coward, traitor, whore, a nagging voice suddenly whispered in her head. Or did he secretly also blame her for Fred's death, no matter the official record he gave? Or, and that would strike her typical for any other human, did he feel guilty? For not having helped her; for having found her for a second time after days and by then in a state of physical ravage that hadn't quite corresponded with her still beating heart. With all her open Cutting- and Burning-Hex wounds, whiplashes and bruises she must have been quite a sight, even for an experienced Death Eater. She remembered, or imagined she did, the suppressed terror in his voice when he had demanded to know why they hadn't informed him of her death since he had had plans with the body. Before blissful darkness had surrounded her again, she had heard someone inhaling sharply on hearing the Commander of Creep, as she had named the disgusting git, explaining with kinky joy that she was technically still alive, though not reacting anymore.

She shuddered involuntarily at this memory and startled at hearing one of the voices, she had just thought about.

"_Miss Granger_," Severus snarled loudly and brought her attention back to the quite contradictory reality of a Christmassy school and her Potions master opposite of her at the festive breakfast table.

She took a deep breath and shuddered again. She had to stop thinking this through when it always carried her too far away. Her muscles ached slightly from her tension.

"Which event could you possibly have witnessed that could have led to the assumption that both listening and answering me were _optional_?" He looked expectantly at her.

Hermione, increasingly startled that she had apparently been that far away to not even hear him speak, stared at him blankly.

"Not quite the quick thinker today, are you? Holiday mode? Banged your precious head?" He leaned slightly towards her. "For your notes: Whatever everyone else might believe about Slytherins in general or myself in particular, I do not take being lied to lightly. And given my _career_ rest assured that I recognize a lie when facing it. Your case doesn't call for a professional, though taking that much time before answering a question is quite a give-away to _everyone_."

"Ahem, I'm sorry, sir. I got lost in thoughts- I'm afraid, I didn't catch your question."

His eyes locked with hers menacingly.

"No one was listed to stay. _What_ are you doing here?"

"Uh, that question. Sorry, I took it to be rhetorical." At his raising eyebrow, she promptly continued "The rough wind and the snow. Even with spells it's nearly impossible to keep a tent cozy warm, so I decided for solid walls, comfy chairs in front of a hearth and deliciously prepared food-," adding a belated "_sir._"

"A tent?" he spat.

"A tent," she replied and, before being able to stop herself in her growing annoyance towards his attitude and herself for not having a _real_ home, added, "a large piece of fabric tautened over poles and adjusted to the ground." Hearing the sarcasm herself, she quickly added neutrally, "You've seen it. Harry, Ron and I spent our sixth year in it hunting hidden pieces of Him Who Hopefully Rots In The Hottest Fires Of Hell Next To Hitler."

Suppressing annoyance makes me substituting sarcasm for inventing swear names, Hermione reflected inwardly. The intense scowl Severus provided at that was entirely lost on her, Hermione recognized with slight satisfaction. After everything, she felt more than entitled to repay some of the sarcasm to him and of course name the insane megalomaniac anything she felt like, may he disapprove as much as he wanted to. Whatever he currently disapproved of anyway, likely just her breathing.

Hmm- did he know about Hitler at all? He probably did. After all, he was a very literate half-blood, she mused.

"Camping-, in the winter-, in Scotland-," Severus said deliberately slowly and added snidely, "This struck the presumed brightest witch of her age as a good idea. Appalling."

Hermione fixated him with her gaze. You see, all my money is being used for school fees and since I don't have family or friends left it's my magical tent, which I call a home and normally I could stay with it wherever I feel like going to, but due to the torture-inflicted nerve damage - which you witnessed, you bugger - and the energy-draining panic attacks and seizures I keep having thanks to that, my magical core is currently not strong enough to apparate. Stupid me, having this sentimental wish to keep all my body parts. And now, for all that's holy, shut up and leave me be, you arrogant nasty prat!— This was what Hermione immediately wanted to spat at him, what she heard herself say, was "I don't remember having labeled it a _good _idea, sir, it's just my regular place to stay. For some reasons, I couldn't manage to leave for Italy as planned, so it was either freezing in the tent or being tucked-in here. Not that hard a decision to make after all. Especially with the promising company offered in the castle."

Huh! This was what her death wish speaking sounded like. Severus was annoyed as it was, no need to push it further, but then she was unnerved and hurt by him being annoyed simply by her presence. Although she was meanwhile used to people reacting to her like that, or reacting worse, or not at all, for that matter. But he was a teacher for Merlin's sake and should pull himself together in that regard. Not that he ever had.

"I do _not_ tolerate mock in any way! Twenty points and two nights of detention!" he spat, his eyes dangerously dark when staring her down.

She managed to hold his gaze. With Mr. Filch of course, she specified mentally, far be it from you to put up with me personally and alone. Those days are gone.

"With Mr. Filch, after the holidays," Severus added belatedly.

Even though having expected it, Hermione's disappointment and pain must have shown on her face before she broke his gaze to look at the cold rests of her scrambled eggs. Not that she was particularly keen on spending her detention with Severus, but this rejection hurt very much anyway. It reminded her of the only other detention she had received since her return, which had been traumatic, because she was who she was. And Severus Snape never refused supervising self-assigned detentions; he had only ever rejected them with Harry; and even then only once. There she was back again at her assumption of his increased intensity of distaste towards her - _quod erat demonstrandum_. She even trumped Harry; didn't feel very triumphal.

"Alright," she simply agreed, shoving her not yet empty plate aside, focusing on her tea – perfect Earl Grey with just the right touch of bergamot – trying to sort her emotions and unwilling to let him drive her away. It was Christmas, she had a right to be here and the Great Hall just looked stunning, decorated in white and silver, tasteful and not insulting any of the Houses by favoring the colors of one. Minerva either had more tact, in this respect at least, than Dumbledore or just cared more to use it, in contrast to the latter.

Hermione would stay at least for another cup. He had had his fun now, let him brood over not having managed to make her run off or discuss with him and thus give him a chance to add to her detentions.

Although turning the pages of her book regularly to fake reading, she couldn't let go of his attitude and soon Hermione returned to her line of thoughts on reasons why. Focusing on this riddle had bothered her since the trial, but really had become something like an obsession since her return to school three and a half months ago. Despite his teaching and fear-based educational methods, as just demonstrated, Hermione basically fully respected the man opposite her: for everything he never was but had to be, for the pain and horror he had to witness, inflict and endure to keep them all safe without acknowledgement for far too long while keeping most of his sanity nevertheless.

Since she didn't expect much of anyone anymore, she also didn't expect anything of what had happened to change his feelings towards her from antipathy to liking, but since he had freely testified for her in court after the war and had ensured she was allowed to finish school here, Hermione had kind of hoped that he indeed overlooked the moral code of the Wizarding World and that she might at least had proven worthy of some minor acceptance from his side. But since the very few people he respected were treated with curt politeness followed by blissful ignorance, while she was on the receiving end of sarcasm and punishment uncalled-for, it was more than obvious that Hermione hoped in vain.

There had been times, mainly after everyone else had unexpectedly seceded from her, when she had given this some really hard thinking. Especially since she had returned to finish school and learned that there was nothing left of the unnamed companionship they had shared during their war-time brewing; worse than that, really: Antipathy worth the Golden-Trio. It had caught her off-guard. She didn't belong to the Trio anymore; or anywhere for that matter. And thus it had the capacity to hurt her even more. Severus had had first-hand knowledge of the range of what had happened at Malfoy Manor. And since he had nevertheless convincingly pled in favor of her and as someone, who had endured Voldemort's torture to some extent too, she subconsciously believed him to be on her side, and even more so, to acknowledge her sacrifice for the greater good with refraining from sarcasm and hostility.

From another, and probably also _his_, perspective one might argue that she hadn't really done anything apart from whorishly offering herself to the enemy, not dying and accidentally getting a young man killed. Admittedly, there was a lot weight in everything she hadn't really done.

.o.O.o.

Their tense togetherness was interrupted by post owls, which arrived two hours later than usually. Christmas was after all a holiday of cards and parcels, which kept the poor creatures beyond busy.

If ever an owl was able to look snarky, it was the big one, which unceremoniously dropped a throng of nicely wrapped parcels on the stone floor between Hermione and the huge Christmas tree. Severus raised his eyebrow at that while absently unfolding a Daily Prophet, which arrived for the staff.

While wishing for Merlin to have mercy and let Severus not comment on her probable value to the sender with presents thrown in front of her feet, Hermione busied herself to school her expression to nonchalance at the sight of the too familiar gifts. No need to count, all eight of them were back – again. Although having expected it, it was hard to hold back her tears that now forcefully wanted to fall. Time to leave, she thought to herself, before he would get more ammo for mocking her. This Christmas seemed to be turning into a nightmare-like challenge – sadly her competitive abilities were at best insufficient.

A sudden urge to leave overwhelmed Hermione and just as she was about to get up, Severus snorted.

"Goodness, Granger, there are actually _two _of you! What fresh hell is this?" he spat bluntly.

"Pardon?" she starred at him, immediately distracted.

Instead of answering he simply turned the newspaper around so she was face to face with an obviously very happy family: A man and a woman in their forties, in a park with a bushy-haired girl between them, cozily pushing herself up the man, supposedly her father, smiling widely. As they all were in fact.

Trying to school her face to blankness in the eye of that hurtful sight, she glanced into the half hidden face of her professor, who seemed to have caught her weak second, well seconds more likely, in which the storming turmoil of her true feelings must have shown. Once again he raised his signature eyebrow asking nonverbally for an explanation.

Tired of the whole teacher-student-question-answer power play and the emotional explosiveness of the topic itself, she couldn't bother to answer anything not directly asked for. _This_ now certainly was her personal Christmas nightmare and although knowing better she silently prayed to whatever Gods may be looking down on her, to make him leave the topic be.

Since experience from the past eight years made her guess that he very likely was uninterested in her emotions concerning this discovery, it left her with the hope that she was able to come relatively unscathed out of this situation if she didn't refuse to answer, but managed to school her emotions and focused on sharing the mere facts followed by leaving as fast as possible.

"Uh," she said in a voice which hopefully didn't betray her emotions.

"Only _one_ question, verbalized in a _single_ word and followed by another _single_ _sound_ from the otherwise compulsively-thoughts-on-no-ends-sharing-know-it-all. It really _is_ Christmas!"

"Ah-," was as far as she came being completely taken aback by his mocking before he interrupted her.

"Honestly, Miss Granger, holiday break or not, I expect you to come up with something more elaborate when answering me. At least _try_ to form a sentence. _Do_ feel encouraged by the ones that you've already managed today," he growled in a low voice.

"I trust I could, but you didn't ask a question answerable with facts, sir." she answered, forcing her voice to stay calm and matter-of-factly now that they had indeed returned to that sensitive question-answering topic and he seemed even nastier than before. It was not unlikely that she might nevertheless have put his reason over the edge with her answer, since he obviously despised the fact of her presence and this fact alone put her at disadvantage with him. And he had already demonstrated that neither Christmas nor her being of age and a former ally would stop him from using his power over her. Suddenly, Hermione very shortly contemplated being outright disrespectful in order to shift his attention since actually having to talk about the issue at hand seemed worse than whatever punishment he would probably come up with. But he crossed her line of thoughts beforehand.

"Keen to make it fifty points and a full week of detentions, are you?" he threatened and Hermione bit her lip.

"So, Miss Granger, we both know Minerva wouldn't have missed a chance to remind me that there very likely still is a clone of our domestic insufferable-know-it-all waiting in line to torture me in class after you've left. Why is it, I wonder, she hadn't mentioned it? Maybe, because she didn't know- or rather _doesn't _know about her. How come, Miss Granger, after all those years? Obviously, that girl is not exactly a toddler anymore. _Do_ enlighten me!"

Hermione took a deep breath, refrained from falling for the Minerva-mocking trap and only focused on the facts.

"Nobody knows, because there is no such thing to know, since I don't have a sister. The girl turns ten in May and no, I don't think she is a witch and will come here to haunt you," Hermione answered as nonchalantly as possible and congratulated herself for this while recognizing that her increasingly fraying emotional status won't allow her to pull herself together for much longer, especially not when he intended to pursue this topic any further. She really didn't fancy the idea of crying in front of him. First of all, since he would have no empathy whatsoever and probably even mock her and second of all, he would be ever so pleased to use whatever breakdown she has for emotional blackmail in class or in detention, come the time.

"As little as I think of the dunderheads writing for this rag regarding their ability for getting a story completely right from A to Z, I do give them credit to get the part of 'daughter to Drs. Granger, also parents to the famous Golden-Trio member Hermione Granger' right, especially in the cover story. Keep enlightening me, Miss Granger," he sneered, obviously growing increasingly impatient.

Taking another deep breath in a try to calm herself down about his attitude since he knew about her parent's disinterest in her and also to brace herself for what she was going to say out loud now. She had spoken about it before, but it still hurt beyond belief and even more so when it was sure that the reaction would be either bad or worse. And her current overall state was not one that enabled her to walk away even pretending to be unscathed, whatever his reaction. She was thin-skinned, very much so, she knew that she was close to being put over the edge – the edge to either insanity or decisively going beyond the veil.

"I _didn't_ say their statement was wrong. She is their daughter, not my sister though. They adopted her some time ago, one and a half years I think, while they were in hide and I must admit-"

Severus interrupted her and sneered, "My, my, Miss Granger, after everything you endured and witnessed, I had believed you the last person to be restrained when it comes to accepting relations based on a lack of blood resemblance. That's somewhat shocking and more than disappointing."

_ 'You endured_...' it echoed inside her. '_Endured_...' At the realization that he really had the gall to refer to _that _in such a conversational manner and to even use it as an argument to downright criticize her for assumed bigotry, she had to blink back tears and kept holding her breath during his interruption, trying not to interrupt him in turn since this would just make things worse for her. Once he had finished, Hermione simply continued her statement.

"-and I must admit that it is quite interesting that they chose a girl resembling their real daughter, who they didn't even remember by that time, since she had recognized her own position in the whole war plot and Obliviated them to ensure they wouldn't become a target for the megalomaniac, who was beyond enthusiastic to kill all mudblood witches and wizards, thus also their daughter. And when it was all over and she was able to leave the hospital, she brought them back and restored their memory. After some time and a number of, ahem say, unpleasant encounters, they disowned her, well-," she stopped short, recognizing that she talked about herself in third person "well, they disowned me-, officially. I daresay you got the impression in the infirmary in October. So I'd say, since the girl certainly is their daughter, while I am not anymore, I feel comfortable not considering us sisters and also considering your credit to the authors of the Prophet rushed."

With tightened fists she simply stood there watching him. Severus, however, looked slightly taken aback and seemed to be lost for words. Although he had witnessed her talk with Poppy in the infirmary in October, he very obviously hadn't seen that one coming, she observed, but honestly, whoever would? The story was kind of grotesque even when measured by the topics of below-mainstream TV-shows. Had the Muggle world knowledge of the wizarding one, she could have gone show-hopping and get some money out of this bizarre misery. Focus, Granger!

"Lucky me then- it really _is_ Christmas," the impossible man sneered with a stare that held no sympathy, but seemed to be expecting something.

Hermione held his gaze, though unable to stop her consternation and pain from showing, wishing she could be mad at him instead and less defeated. Unwillingly remembering their friendly past and the careful gentleness of her retrieval left Hermione half-waiting for him to add something less Snapeish, but then he wasn't only not one for merry, but very likely also not for Christmassy empathic decency either.

Eyes still locked with his challenging ones, she felt herself retreat inwardly and then heard herself emphatically call "Winky!"

The house-elf plopped in next to Hermione, between the table and the carelessly piled presents on the stone floor. Only then, determined not to waste any more energy on him at all, she turned away from Severus, to the elf, dressed in a green-golden kitchen towel.

"Merry Christmas Miss," she greeted and immediately added "Why is Miss' presents again back- _thrown_ on floor?"

Hermione returned her the wish and smiled at the festive towel, but then she gazed at said pile in defeat, absently quoting "Same procedure as every year". Shrugging herself, she added "Winky, I need your help. Could you bring the presents anonymously to people in Hogsmeade, who might like them?"

"But no, they're for Miss's friends and family," the elf objected, eyes wide in disbelief.

"It's getting ridiculous and nerves at both ends are strained by their recurrent presence-. They say all good things come in threes, so this ends now. Maybe they make someone else happy."

While explaining this, Hermione summoned the eight presents, took her breakfast knife and one after one was freed from its name tag and, all but one, were put neatly back on the floor again.

"Do you think you could find them a home?" she asked the elf, who looked close to tears now.

"Winky thinks it's not right of them," the elf tried again.

"I appreciate your sympathy, but it's their right not to accept presents. It`s been a bit rude anyway to repetitively send them. So, do you think we can bring them to someone else?" The snorting of Severus was just a background noise to her now.

"Winky will help Miss."

"I thank you so much. Could I ask one last favor of you?"

Winky nodded excitedly.

"Would you ask Dobby if he was willing to talk to me very shortly? It's about this present for Harry."

"Winky will try, Miss." And off she plopped with seven presents in tow and Hermione smiled slightly to herself.

Turning around again to finish her tea and deliberately not even glancing at Severus directly, who obviously indulged himself in a croissant and in overhearing her conversation.

Dobby arrived within an instant and startled her. To be honest, she hadn't expected him to show up at all and although he hadn't talked or listened yet, she was pleased to finally see him again and in such good condition as well. He wore a very festive green Weasley Christmas jumper with a big golden D in the middle, surrounded by red Christmas baubles. Elves seemed to be keen on the holiday she mused.

"Thank you for coming and merry Christmas to you, Dobby," she greeted the free elf.

"Dobby wishes Miss a merry Christmas, too. Dobby is not sure about talking to Miss. Dobby is very loyal to Harry Potter."

"I know and I don't want to infringe. I simply wanted to offer you something. Taking the eighth present into her hands, she started "I tried to give this present to Harry on three occasions now, but he'd always refused it. I trust he could make very good use of it when having finished his apprenticeship and I'd gladly offer for you to take it and give it to him for his 20th birthday in summer." Suddenly nervous for no apparent reason, she added, "Ahem, you'd want to rewrap it of course, well, you see."

The elf tilted his head and watched her wide-eyed.

"Dobby isn't sure, Miss- if this is loyal to Harry Potter."

"He'll never know I obtained it in the first place. I'll tell you all about it if you want to."

"Dobby thinks Miss is very generous, but Harry Potter is no longer a friend of Miss Hermione."

Hearing this so matter-of-factly made her eyes suddenly brim with tears, but she managed to stop them from falling. She still considered herself his friend. In fact, there still wasn't a lot she wouldn't do for him should a situation ever ask for it, despite knowing that this loyalty wouldn't be returned.

"It's totally up to you, Dobby. It was an idea that came up spontaneously. I don't intend to make you do something you're uncomfortable with. How about I leave it by the tree until tomorrow morning and if it's not taken by then, I'll take care of it, okay?" she offered.

"Thank you. Dobby had always liked Miss. Merry Christmas," he bid her goodbye and popped off before she could return his wish.

She left the present under the tree giving it a last sad glance. That stupid thing didn't deserve being refused just due to a very vague connection to her. Honestly, it wasn't as if it had her genes she thought bitterly. Time to get a grip again, her mind started babbling. She needed someone to talk to or she would probably go insane, and rather sooner than later by the feel of it. Breathing in the resinous smell of the tree while hunkering in front of it she faintly wondered how long it would still take until she would have allowed them to make her embrace madness as sanctuary from reality.

Thinking about insanity: She turned around, closed the distance to her chair again to grab its back before addressing her professor, who at least pretended to be absorbed in his newspaper.

"Since it is far from me to force my presence on you and disturb your much cherished and undoubtedly deserved solitude, let me inform you that I plan to have breakfast at 9.30 am, skip lunch every day and have dinner at 6.30 pm for about half an hour, so you know when to better avoid the Great Hall should you not wish to stumble upon me. Have a mer- have a Christmas, sir!" she stated firmly, then swirled around and made to leave the Hall in a firm pace as long as her body allowed her to.

"Miss Granger," he growled pervading and she stopped, without turning around to him as he continued with a dangerous growl, "I don't know where in Merlin's name you got the impression from that I have my schedule dictated by students, but rest assured I'm _not_ in the habit to do so."

Hermione was glad to nearly have made it to the doors. It was time to get out of here otherwise he would witness her panic attack in all its glory and she felt it coming forcefully. It was going to be an intense one.

Only turning around slightly, Hermione answered, "I'm certainly _not_ trying to dictate anything to anyone, least not you, sir! I merely _informed_ you about my mealtimes. I did _not_ disinvite you. And while I would generally enjoy company at least twice a day during meals, I gathered from breakfast that you don't- at least not mine. And since it's your holidays too after all, I thought to ease your daily planning with regard to avoidance of unwanted contact..., _sir_."

Breathless, panic attack forcefully approaching now, she flicked the doors open and without waiting for Severus to comment again, stormed through, flicked them immediately shut after herself and suddenly only managed to stumble into an alcove between the door and a column. She sank to her knees and crawled completely out of sight, while only breathing shallowly, she felt sweat running down her body, the hair in her neck was damp already. It took some effort to cast a Muffliato, but she managed it before giving in to the tremble caused by the anxiety. When the agony of her Cutting Curse scars and the cramps that resulted from the Crucio torture took a grip on her, she willed herself to embrace the pain and give in to it, for she knew fighting would only prolong the duration. Weeping only for herself to witness, Hermione hoped that it would be over before dinner and that she wouldn't be found by either Severus or a house elf before. Well, rather the latter since the dark man surely would not bother about her whereabouts.


	2. Chapter 02: Don't be nice, please

**02 Don't be nice, please**

**25 December 1999, Evening**

It was one of those rare Scottish winter nights in which the sky was a clear, deep black and the stars seemed to compete about who'd be the brightest of them all, overseen only by the apart moon with its bright, aloof light bathing everything reached by it in an aura of seemingly insubstantiality and inviolability.

This, Hermione mused, effused a faint feeling of eternity and should the universe ever stop the course of time, this surely was how its visual mundane manifestation must look like. She felt herself increasingly melt into the setting of the small hidden garden on the castle's ground. The combined emotional and physical strain of this day against the background of just _everything_ had finally taken its toll. Initially, lying down onto the snow was her last despaired step to ease the burning pain of the scars on her back and stop the bleeding of the nasty cutting curse scar as well. The seizure had tortured her for ten hours now and while the pain indeed slowly subsided, it befell her, how pathetic her existence was. Of course, as everything else, this was dependent on the perspective, but with a lack of new input, she was stuck in the vicious circle her mind offered, which acknowledged her resentment by everyone else as understandable and justified. 'There are some things you don't do, not even to survive' – Minerva McGonagall's words echoed in her mind. None of them understood that it hadn't been about surviving or fraternizing with the enemy, but just about less pain for some hours at least: after she hadn't been able to make up more, sadly fatal, fake information to buy the order time, her torture got worse. She knew she had betrayed them, was a coward for having chosen to kind of play along sexually and that her behavior could be called whorish, since she had traded sex for less pain, but she also knew that what she had done was just deeply human. As such it was obviously unforgivable.

She had decided to suffer for the safety of her former best friends, because she loved them and because that was what the situation had called for since Harry's survival was crucial for their victory over the dark. She still suffered due to them and the latter one was in its persistently undifferentiated form only bearable for so long. Hermione thought about all of them, who had deleted her from their lives and about her unaffected dark savior, whose non-existent sympathy she missed sadly.

She was crying, she could tell, though unable to feel the tears running down her icy cheeks. Oh Merlin, she had fought for a place in this new world that had defeated the darkness, but it had shown her repeatedly that there wasn't a place in the light for everyone. Letting go and finding peace in oneself, she knew now, was much easier said than done, especially when you haven't given up on the lot of them, though they had in their turn.

Hermione didn't know for how long she'd lain here already, only that she had stopped renewing the warming charms at one point. As the coldness had a pleasing numbness spread through her, which even calmed her aching cramped muscles, she was ready to give-in to it, to let go of it all; ready to merge with her moon-lit surroundings, to become physically and emotionally inviolable; ready to find her final place in eternity beyond the veil. No more fighting. After all it was a bit impolite to be alive, when no one wanted you to.

She silently begged death to stop for her this time and allow her a seat in his carriage.

.o.O.o.

True to his habit Severus was suddenly just there.

"I take it you chose to inure yourself to the adversity of your tent's wintriness the hard way. Tell me, Miss Granger, are there no limits to a Gryffindor's foolishness?"

Very slowly she opened her eyes again. The lids felt so heavy. Seeing Severus' form towering over hers lying helplessly on the ground triggered an angst and connected memories that practically suffocated her. The anxiety tightened its grip again and she began to shake. She rolled her eyes up to look past him into the soothing distance of the sky, when she felt his warming spell on her.

He had also shifted slightly to make her look at him.

"Miss Granger, get up this instant! We'll have a nice little chat about this _insanity_ inside the castle," he said increasingly annoyed.

As she tried to look past him again, she even managed to turn her head slightly to the right, while he continued clearly enraged now, "And then you'll tell me all about how your mother had your head banged when you were a baby, which would make an appropriate explanation for how, in Merlin's name, this idiocy could come from your otherwise decent brain."

Severus knew his words didn't betray his still lingering first-second shock of seeing her motionlessly lying on the ground. He had to get her moving and up. This sight made him sick, even without accompaniment of wounds and nauseating arrangement of whatever body fluids.

"Please go away," Hermione whispered hoarsely.

"I ensure you, _this_ is not an option. You may do with your life as you wish, but since I am in charge of all residing students, I'd rather you postpone your suicidal ambitions to a time and place that won't result in tedious paperwork for me," Severus informed her while lowering himself down slightly and locking his eyes with her despaired ones.

His were as black as the night sky with an acid look in them, she recognized as another warming spell hit her. And while her heart knew that her sheer panic was irrational, her mind had its own way and her body seemed to refuse the uptake of it at all. The anxiety attack tightened its grip further; she trembled visibly now.

"Go back," she managed to utter under her breath in a hoarsely squeal.

At that, Severus, finally lost for patience and wanting this increasingly disturbing situation to end, hunkered down next to his apparently deliberately annoying student and seized her by the shoulders.

Immediately put over the edge by this sudden movement and touch, Hermione cried out, "Don't touch me! Please-," her voice left her and she swallowed. "Please, don't touch-," she breathed heavily and wanted to move so badly, but still couldn't.

Severus, however, could and both her outburst and the sheer terror he had seen in her eyes during his approach brought him to his knees, his hands gripping his thighs to stabilize himself. He was literally swallowing bile. Never had he _touched_ her and he absurdly hoped she would know that too. Of course she did. It occurred to him that she most likely didn't mean exactly _only_ him, but an indefinable group of _them_. Merlin help, they were both reliving their respective version of the same horror scenario. Hers was harder to bear.

Hermione was relieved that he had let go and hadn't instantly started chastising her. She had startled him, she knew. When she felt sure, he wouldn't try to touch her again, she stopped watching him from the corner of her eye and returned her gaze to the sky, to the soothing distance of the eternal sky.

Severus managed to force his pragmatic self to regain control of his actions and vigilantly observed her features while casting another silent warming spell. The second of having touched her shoulders had been enough for him to recognize the stiffness and deathly coldness of her body. Had he found her an hour later, it would have been fatal. _Stupid girl_, he chided her in his head. Risking her life after having gotten a, most improbable, second chance. After he had seen her the first time on day four of her captivity in the manor, he would have bet that she wouldn't live to see the dawn. He had frantically brooded over options to get her out of there while still alive or at least kill her secretly, but none had presented themselves and since she hadn't yet betrayed his secret by that time, having blown his cover himself then would have made her sacrifice futile. He had and still did despise himself for another unbearable decision he had to make for the greater good and had nightmares following him since then. Her survival had been a miracle, one that had lifted some burden off his shoulders and had sustainably impressed him although she was just a shadow of her former self by now and only showing animal spirits this morning during breakfast. And right now it seemed that a revised version of history was repeating itself. Why was it just the both of them again? The universe must be having fun, he mused bitterly before springing into action with all sure instinct he was able to muster and that her state called for.

"Miss Granger, you're seriously freezing. We need to get you inside. Are you able to move at all," he asked in a low voice.

Of course she wasn't. Wasn't that obvious by now? No, she didn't want to go back inside. She wanted him to stop warming her and to just let her drift back towards her hypothermic sleep. As she simply continued gazing into the night without any visible reaction, not even a blink, he grew increasingly concerned. This was too atypical compared to her usual teacher-pleasing self.

"Gra- Hermione, I'm going to move a bit closer to your head, but won't touch," he informed her sympathetically, but still got no sign of perception.

"Look at me," he commanded gently, but when Hermione again couldn't bring herself to react, he smothered a short flare of impatience before leaning his head partly into her field of vision, still carefully avoiding physical contact. "Hermione-, I'm worried about you. You are perturbing me," he informed her softly. "Now, look at me," Severus insisted more firmly this time, but under his controlled tone Hermione could hear _real _concern and was touched by the displayed familiarity of using her given name. He, _Severus_ _Snape_, admitted to be concerned about _her_. The young woman wanted to believe it so dearly.

She swallowed and slowly turned her gaze to him, but in the moment they locked eyes, she had to close hers. The surreal frankness and benevolence of his approach had unleashed a despaired longing for more of what had just shone through his tone and words, but what wasn't hers to gain and much less to keep. This realization made her heart even heavier- if this was possible at all.

"Don't be nice, please-, please, just don't- don't," she begged him quietly as tears filled her still closed eyes.

Severus was taken aback. No one, _no one_ had ever asked that of him. Even his seventh-year Slytherins would have trouble to come up with a single memory of their Head of House having actually been _nice_ at all, let alone of asking him to _stop_. However, following her wish was no option and he was slightly stunned by how natural this came to him. Opposed to public opinion he recognized_ and_ understood human agitation both intellectually and emotionally very well. Empathic reactions, otherwise, didn't rank quite high in his behavioral repertoire. There was only so much softness tolerable if one wanted to survive an abusive father, bullying schoolmates and two wars as double agent to at least one brutal megalomaniac master. Although the war was over, there were too many reasons to not let this habit die – allies were not automatically friends after all.

Her wretched condition certainly called for _nice_. He recalled that her overall demeanor this day had been one of utter defeat. This betrayed her plea to have arisen from a lonely place inside her, far away from any orbit of sanity. Severus shuddered. He _had_ evaluated her coping abilities completely wrong and by trying to trigger her fighting spirit, the last time this morning over breakfast, he had very likely added his part to the drama that now unfolded in front of him. This actually was a suicide attempt and given the secrecy of the place not exactly a half-hearted one. There came the bile again. He did feel sick, knowing himself which depth of despair was needed for taking the final step. _Stupid soft spot_, he cursed inwardly. Until the _party_, he didn't even know his heart would allow a new one at all. Let alone for another Gryffindor student. He had managed to emotionally withdraw from it so splendidly for more than a year now. This had taken, and continued to do so, more effort than he was generally willing to admit to himself, especially since he had come to find her tolerable during their joint brewing in his lab and even found himself enjoying their sharp and witty verbal exchange. She was smart, attentive, considerate and mostly refraining from useless chatter. Admittedly, Severus had – inappropriately enough – come to find her even more than just tolerable. _Damn the girl!_

During his musings his eyes were always resting on hers. He fought the urge to just order her to open hers again. Her physical, but even more so her psychological, condition soaringly concerned him. Both bore too much of a striking resemblance to the horribly frightening sight of her when he had returned to rescue her.

'Don't be nice. Please just don't,' it echoed in his head now, _oh dear__._ The moment when her tears threatened to spill over, he reached out softly and without even thinking to catch one with the pad of his thumb and to smooth it away. She didn't flinch at his touch, just held her breath for a split second. "Why not?" he asked gently, his hand still softly resting against her icy cheek and his thumb absently caressing her jawbone while taking care of the silently flowing tears now.

Hermione resisted the urge to lean into his soothing touch. The gentleness was alluring. She couldn't deal with his nice self since he would again change into his misanthropic snarly self and surely very soon so.

"I- I can't have you change back. Not again."

There! Eyes locked with his, she had told him her painful inner truth, pathetic as it was and ideal for him to use against her later. Hermione was simply unable to get her defenses back up again.

In his steep confusion Severus' thumb immediately paused its movement and while he looked at her questioningly he spotted imploration in her eyes. By now a couple of reasons to choose from presented themselves. Intuitively, he slowly continued caressing her cheek and brushed a tear-damp curl back from her temple.

Closing her eyes at this sensation, she couldn't help any longer but to lean into his touch. _Now,_ _I'm lost,_ she thought and sighed.

Severus found his body to be faster on the uptake than his mind. All of a sudden a tension, which he wasn't even aware of, left his body and made him slump a smidge. After having processed the situation, the relief over her responsiveness reached his face and resulted in something rare: A small but genuine smile, witnessed only by the moon.

"That's nothing to worry about anymore," he said lowly-voiced and Hermione swallowed. Again something the young woman wanted to believe so dearly.

With his right hand he cupped up her other cheek as well and her eyes fluttered open, bearing a questioning look. His gaze rested on hers and hopefully conveyed something like friendly insistence.

"I need you to listen now." He waited for his hands to feel a nearly invisible nod and acknowledged it with stroking thumbs. "I gather you are suffering some kind of panic attack and that your muscles are severely cramping. Given the time span this must be rather painful by now, though the coldness may be numbing it all. Apparating is not an option, so I'd rather carry you inside. I will relax your knees and hip joints for about twenty seconds to be able to pick you up properly. This- will hurt. Your scars should be alright for now, I trust the coldness has stupefied them?"

Another tactile-only nod accompanied by some fresh tears to be smoothed away by Severus, who became stunningly aware of how natural this felt.

"Alright. Pank!" he called and the house elf arrived promptly, but wasn't given the chance to comment on the scenery. "Pank, three things: First, go to the teachers' bath and fill the pool-tub with lukewarm water. Then get two vials of the icy blue pain potion from my drawer and bring them there too," he advised the elf without taking his eyes off of Hermione, "And afterwards would you go and prepare Spinner's End for holidays?" he asked the elf.

"Pank will do everything immediately, sir!" The elf nodded eagerly and glanced shortly at Hermione before he left. They were alone again.

"Sir- I'm sorry," she said hoarsely out of the blue and closed her eyes wearily.

"Don't do that," Severus said tightly. "Don't go all slack and don't you _dare _die on me!"

At that Hermione's eyes snapped open.

"Better," Severus simply said and took his right hand away, gripping his wand. "Let's get going.- Relaxio," he incanted without further ado pointing at her hip joints and knees and in the same moment a torrent pain shot through those body parts, making her even faster sick than the creeping agony of her panic attacks. She couldn't breathe and just let out a beastly groan.

Severus' pragmatic self had fully kicked-in at the utter shock her face displayed at the unexpected intensity of the pain and with a swift movement he had reached under her shoulder blades and knees and had lifted her into his arms, shifting her weight so that her head fell against his collarbone. He rested his nose on top of her head.

"It's over any second now," he whispered soothingly into her cold hair while walking inside. With no intention of losing any more time, Severus headed for the nearest entrance to the common bath. Every teacher quarter had an own entrance from their respective private bathrooms to it, but there were additional ones on every floor of the castle and within three minutes they stood in a cozy warm room with a pool-sized bathtub filled with bubbly water.

He intended to lower Hermione to the floor in order to at least take off both their robes and shoes before getting into the water, but when she realized it, her hand resting at his chest anyway, suddenly gripped his waistcoat as if for dear life.

"Not on the floor. I- I can't lie on the floor in a room-, please," she begged him.

Of course not the floor! He sat them both down on one of the luxurious armchairs and arranged her in his lap, propping her upper body and head with his right arm against his chest while undoing her shoes, then opening the dress clasps of both their robes to undo them. As soon as he had gotten rid of his shoes, he carried her into the water, carefully minding the steps. He seated himself on one step and placed her between his legs on the step below his, so she was completely underwater from neck to toe.

Hermione was calm, she trusted him and couldn't help but indulge into his careful handling of her still rather stiff form. The second she recognized that she wasn't quite able to sit yet but had the water reaching her chin, she slightly panicked. The idea of drowning was horrible.

"Don't let go," she anxiously managed and grabbed his shirt where her hand rested. Her body was still stiff.

"My cover is blown. I wanted you to refrain from dying on me _outside_, because I preferred for it to happen _inside_ the castle," he commented sarcastically while instantly tightening his arms around her.

Hermione felt her muscles relax at this physical reassurance and the warmth surrounding her and melted into him some more.

"I can't imagine this to be advantageous in terms of paperwork," she dared, her voice still hoarse, but animal spirits and brainwork reviving.

_ Brat! _"Hardly-. Spoils the mood either way," Severus stated evenly-voiced.

"And we cannot have that-. Children would suffer over cauldrons. Gryffindor would never win the House Cup again-. I think I'd rather refrain from taking responsibility for a furious Potions master."

"Bitter, rather," he huskily stated. And sad, he added only to himself.

Hermione didn't move as she progressed his avowal. She peeked up at him. "I'm sorry."

Severus nodded. "I know. And you'll continue to be."

Resting her cheek back against his chest she closed her eyes. Although unable to wrap her head around the possibility, she liked his closeness.

"I know I've gambled away my free nights for the rest of my school career."

"You, _have_ jeopardized the free nights of your first-born's first year."

"Mr. Filch will be ever so pleased," she snorted.

"Oh, he secretly enjoys the chances to have his way with students, though not allowed to have his way with them like in his cherished _good old times_," Severus said amused. "But this would hardly be fair on me. Filch having all the fun while I did all the work. I'll see to your detention myself-. Making sure your talent is not wasted on scrubbing lavatories night after night."

Hermione's eyes flew open. "I refrain from commenting on how much more use there is for my talent in scrubbing cauldrons."

"I shall congratulate you on this wise decision, Miss Granger. Being all generous tonight – it is Christmas after all – I shall award your displayed flicker of good judgment with a hope for you to even actually gain academic advantage from your detention then."

'Miss Granger,' it echoed in her head. The teacher mode had returned. Teasing never went well for long with him. She knew that, but it nevertheless felt as if she had just lost something. Severus had recognized her short flinch.

"I'd appreciate that very much- S-sir," she answered and while she wanted to signal that she had understood his meaning, she nearly stumbled over his first name. Damn all those s surrounding his address.

When he also loosened his hold a little the magic of the moment really felt kind of broken to her now. But this couldn't have lasted forever and she had to turn to her left side anyway. The scars on her back started to sting and even half-lying on them was increasingly hurting now, especially in the warm water.

"I need to turn a bit to ease the pressure of myself off my back." As she was able to move herself again a bit, she thought it as an information, but before being able to spring into action herself he carefully took her by the arms and shifted her on her left side, legs floating up a bit, which he took care of by settling them over his. She smiled to herself at that.

"Accio," and the potion Pank had retrieved earlier, flew into Severus' hand, who offered it to her immediately. She took and drank it without hesitation.

"I thought, I had taught you better," he said.

It took Hermione a second before she shrugged her shoulders.

"I trust you implicitly," she answered nonchalantly, while shooting him a look of incomprehension, "A Slytherin needing the obvious to be stated: the Head of House would be appalled," she added with feigned indignation and rested her cheek back onto his chest, wanting to wallow in this intimacy as long as he allowed it, all the while hoping he was still open to teasing.

"Cheeky brat," he simply said with his smile audible.

With her hurting back exposed, he couldn't put his arms around her anymore, so he put one on her left arm while the other came to rest on her hair-covered neck and he instinctively pressed his lips on top of her head. Immediately realizing what he was about to do, he simply rested his face there so as not to finish the _kiss_. Smelling her hair, he relaxed into the warmth of the water. So did Hermione. The pain potion worked its magic and suddenly fatigue threatened to overwhelm her. Nuzzling closer and wanting to give-in to sleep, she felt Severus brushing back damp hair from her face.

"Hermione stay awake. You are still too cold. It's not safe to fall asleep."

"Yes, sir, sorry," she mumbled and opened her eyes again.

"What's with the sudden _sir-ing_," he asked.

"Ahem- you, well, I- d-," she stopped short.

"Go on. Try for a coherent sentence. It'll keep you awake and _I am_ curious."

"Well, I'm- I don't know. You went for my given name and then back to formality, so I thought you'd only used it to bridge the distance, to- ahem, convey trust. But now you used it again and I'm confused. And of course you are my professor, but- then we are _here_ now-," she gestured vaguely around, "so yes, I am confused," her voice trailing off.

"_I_, _Miss Granger_, was talking detentions. As your _professor_," he said deliberately slowly. "The general situation on hand, however, strikes me to be a _touch_ unofficial. As you indicated, you are in my lap, in a bath-tub. There are- _bubbles_."

At his irritated emphasis she bit her lips so as not to laugh while the realization subsided that the dark Potions master indeed just sat in a lavender-scented bubble-bath.

Severus continued, "And while I am usually a stickler for formality, it seems uncalled-for unless wishing to add to the awkwardness already existing. In fact, I'd prefer not perceiving us as student and teacher, but rather as one person taking care of another-. For the record: you may privately call me Severus."

Though motionless, Hermione was absolutely taken aback. Were there no limits to his ability to surprise her tonight? She had rather believed him to go for emphasizing that he did what he had to do to make her accept help, but that, especially in the face of this situation's obvious inappropriateness, a certain formality would need to be restored in order to remember that they are after all still teacher and student and not intimate friends.

"Hermione," she softly replied.

Severus rested his chin on the top of her head and soon she could feel some of Severus' tension subside. She closed her eyes again and indulged in the intimacy. And not just for the mere sake of it but for being offered so lavishly by this otherwise unsociable man, whom she had missed so much. She felt him warming the water wandlessly and shortly after, they both had relaxed into one another's physical contact in companionable silence.

"Why are we here, Severus," she asked to prevent them from falling asleep and possibly drowning. "I mean here, in _this _bath?"

He lifted his head lazily off hers.

"Hmm-, it was closest entry-wise, you may not have noticed, but one of us actually walked here-," he bantered, which earned him a snort with feigned outrage. "Compared to laboriously keeping your head up from outside a tub, this promised to be more effective in handling you- especially given that physical closeness reduces both stress intensity and its duration. Thus, a case of killing three birds with one stone."

Severus only now consciously realized that her form was completely unwound.

"I trust the potion is working?"

"Incredibly so. What's the different ingredient? I mean it's powerful _and_ beautiful," she said, mentally face-palming herself for actually having complimented on a potion's outlook. Well, the color was astonishingly lovely, but yet.

Severus chuckled softly at her enthusiasm and noticed with relief that her animal spirits seemed to be returning.

"It's specially designed for problems like yours. I'll teach it to you during detention," he promised, which earned him an honest joy-filled smile. She was likely the only student, who felt content at the prospect of potions-brewing during detention.

"Tell me, is it only the scars on your back plaguing you? There must be some on your chest as well," he half-asked.

Hermione nodded slowly.

"Chest, belly, thighs and more intimate places- and they're troubling too, but- differently. There's another quality of pain to them, less overwhelmingly systemic-," she trailed off but gathered herself fast and cleared her throat. "According to my research, this may simply result from intense contact with- with filth. Ahem, due to my habit of compulsive lounging on my back most of the time in the manor," she added sarcastically.

Severus nodded, giving her hair a stroke not bothering to hide the pain flickering in his eyes. She couldn't see them.

"And what about your face?"

At that, Hermione's fatigue left instantly. Turning slightly she pushed herself off him farther into the pool and grinded to a halt a good 1.5 meters away, looking at him.

"_How_-," she stopped short as the answer plopped-up in her own mind, immediately turning her face away.

Merlin, her glamour had failed her! Of course! Her core had been weak as it was and given today's additional emotional and physical strain, the charm had stopped working. She was aware that he theoretically must have known that there had to be facial scars, since he had seen the wounds very closely back then. But after she had been discharged from St-Mungo's, she had carefully avoided having anyone see them.

Actually, it was a sight hard to bear. She had been able to reliably tell from the look on the face of the two new nurses that had started working on her ward the week before she had been allowed to leave. Yes, being a war heroine came at a cost. She hadn't blamed them. In fact she had been thankful, since it had made her taking a closer look into the mirror and starting to practice an advanced glamour charm that didn't give itself away visually. There had been enough unwanted attention even without additionally being pitied for her now monstrous looks.

Severus was appalled by her sudden intensity. Granted, he had been shortly perturbed at the sight of her face earlier this evening, but immediately had recalled where the scars had come from. He had simply blamed the missing glamour on her overall indifference. Now it occurred to him that she hadn't recognized being all natural in her appearance. She'd wanted to die, with no one to witness, but still look good while doing so, he thought and managed to only mentally shake his head at that.

The man suddenly felt exhausted at the prospect of having to deal with the new dramatic sequence that seemed to unfold now and wasn't sure how to muster the patience for it. He knew he wasn't a sociable man by any definition and this night's events demanded skills that weren't well developed in him, which was slowly taking its toll. Waiting for another two minutes while watching her motionless in the water, breathing hard, he made a decision.

"Time to leave," he stated and left the pool, without further notice of her intense reaction. After having incanted a couple of drying spells and having slipped back into his shoes he felt a bit more like himself again, but was a bit lost regarding Hermione, who still carefully avoided turning her face back to him or showing any signs of movement whatsoever. "Shall I rather Levitate you here?" he forced himself to ask deliberately casual.

"I'm quite sure I have sorely tested your patience and benevolence. Please don't let me keep you, since I've done excessively so tonight. Thanks to you, I do feel much better and capable of returning to my quarters on my own," she managed to say, still not turning to him.

Severus snorted at that. "I'm indeed slowly losing the _sorely-tested_ patience you just referred to," he agreed with a neutral voice, although Hermione heard the suppressed annoyance in it. "I will only say this once and _trust_ you to be polite enough to listen _closely_."

Hermione tensed at his strict tone, but appreciated his effort in word choice and nodded. Still facing away, she felt his gaze on her.

"Point one: Be sure that I am well aware that the situation I've just experienced with you was neither one you've gotten into accidentally nor one to be taken lightly. Yet, you seem succumbed to the illusion that you'll be _allowed_ to spend your near-future unsupervised. Be assured that this is _not_ the case. I gathered that your options for supervised accommodation are currently somewhat limited, which puts _me_ in charge of it. At least until your Head of House returns after Christmas. _Don't_ interrupt!" Severus reminded sharply at the deep breath she took. "And don't worry, you'll get your chance. We will be doing some extensive talking very soon. Your supervision, however, is _not_ up to discussion, you being of age or not. It's either me or the psychiatric ward of Park House in Muggle Manchester. Think about it. And now to point number two: I _do_ agree with the saying that beauty is clearly in the eye of the beholder. I've practically _stared_ at you rather closely for more than an hour now, so trust me that to _my _opinion there is no point to start hiding your face from me again _now_. However, vanity to me is only comprehensible to a certain degree and if it makes you feel better, I will of course charm a glamour on you until your core has regained its full power. Until then, I must ask you to refrain from needless use."

Merlin, caring was exhausting! He hoped that he hadn't made things worse again now by trusting his instincts in confronting her with the consequences of her decision and showing her the consequences of her actions. He knew very well that there was a time for pampering (rarely) and one for clear paths (mainly). There was no use in substituting one with the other when detrimental to the goal, especially not because of feared withdrawal. This was for her benefit not his, he reminded himself. He had intended this speech for tomorrow after a good night's sleep, but as soon as she had started to retreat into her shell, due to looks and not painful truths, he knew that he was in for all or nothing. _Nothing_ would mean forcing her to the comparably impersonal psychiatric clinic Park House, dooming their new and much needed bond to the chances of a snowball in hell. It then would all be up to the abilities of the doctors and her will to live at all. And Merlin, that girl wasn't even close to an orbit of sanity right now and could do with a pro for sure. Severus, however, had the nagging sensation that she'd be better off with someone taking close care of her privately, because that was what she seemed to lack the most. But therefore, besides her implicit trust, she needed to be willing to open up to him. He chastised himself for giving his soft spot power over him, making him question his way of acting.

Hermione interrupted his line of thoughts and face down she carefully stepped out of the water, took one of the fluffy towels, buried her face in it and then wiped it dry with a little too much attention to her eyes, betraying that she had been silently crying after his speech.

Without asking, he casted drying spells on her as well, which wasn't as satisfying as toweling oneself, but given the circumstances, the only appropriate solution at hand. Finally, he casted a glamour.

"It's just a simple one and I'm going to vanish it for the night to prevent unnecessary drawing on your core." Hermione was thankful that he hadn't made her ask.

"Thank you, s-Severus." She stumbled over it again. His speech had felt like a chastise from her _professor_, a reasonable version at that.

He nodded. "This way," he gestured at one of the doors and let her into the bathroom of his private quarters and from there through a small hall into his living room.


	3. Flashback 1: The Elephant in the Room

_**Flashback 1/2: The Elephant in the Room**_

_**October 1999**_

_Watching his black billowing robe in front of her increasingly melt with the darkness of the dungeons, she retreated to her own pace. The young woman had no intention holding his anyway and should he feel the urge to hurry, she did not, especially since her body didn't really allow her to anyways. This mess was not her fault. Well, it was somehow since she had provoked some kind of punishment in the first place, but it was certainly not her fault that the school staff only used two disciplinary measures, the pedagogical usefulness of which she highly doubted. Let them taste their lack of progress themselves now, Hermione thought to herself despite knowing that they had more pull in the end. Until then, however, she would enjoy her little resistance, even if it passed unnoticed to anyone else but her._

_Getting increasingly lost in some sarcastic thoughts, which she evoked on purpose to prevent herself from feeling hurt and giving them the satisfaction of having this power over her, she nearly ran into her professor._

_"Have you known me for being lenient towards dawdling?" the dark man growled, while towering over her._

_Hermione bit back a comment on how he could feel free to assign detentions to her, but didn't want to push her luck too far. Some part of her mind didn't think it at all absurd that the teacher trio she was about to face would indeed conspire to make her a case of body-nowhere-to-be-found._

_"Sorry, Professor, I cannot hold your pace."_

_He snorted at that._

_"Of course. I wonder how I could forget that you're the one student being advanced in years," he rolled his eyes at her, "I suggest training a little or you'll be lost by 25."_

_"It's a disposition that needs time rather than training, but I'll do my best to not lose sight of you again," she answered calmly and Professor Severus Snape, who surprisingly didn't manage to hide that he knew immediately what she referred to, simply turned around and started walking again. Slightly slower this time, she recognized._

_"Minerva, Lupin. It's always a pleasure to witness two colleagues enjoying some quality time together," Severus sneered with feigned joy at the headmistress and her deputy upon entering the headmistress' office. Hermione came to a halt directly behind him and decided not to greet before they would shift their attention to her. "I would be even more pleased if this weren't at my expense. Being the ever-friendly colleague myself, I'm willing to interpret the unconsenting decision about my leisure time as a slip in attention on your side. After all something like this would have been a stark level of interference even from Albus," Severus said, but didn't even glance at the portrait in which the late headmaster sat and watched. "I herewith hand the duty for a certain uncomfortable task assigned by you back to you," he finished, but still didn't move to integrate the young woman behind him._

_"Severus, I'm sorry, I was at a loss of what to do and couldn't find you. And since I know how much you normally enjoy educating students within detentions, especially Gryffindors, I took the risk," Minerva McGonagall explained herself._

_"You were at a loss of what to do? You assigned those detentions in the first place! And next in line to supervise them would have been Lupin as her head of house. Enlighten me Minerva, will you?" Severus moved further towards her desk and folded his arms menacingly in front of his chest. Only now the other two became aware of Hermione's presence as well._

_"Oh, Hermione, you are here, too. I thought Severus had you staying in the dungeons," Remus Lupin stated, obviously irritated by her presence._

_Since they addressed formally in class, should the need arise to address each other at all, the use of her and the potions master's given name came unexpected for said woman and besides showing how effectively he had avoided private contact with her during the last two months, it also reminded her of their former closeness and of how Minerva also recoiled from it. Hermione had never been informal with Severus out loud, but amongst the other order members they had agreed on familiar address. While musing wistfully about this, Hermione simply looked through them._

_Severus, however, was close to seriously snapping now._

_"She's got no business there, which is why we are here-, if you cared to remember."_

_Hermione tried to examine the scene before her from a nonparticipating perspective. She mustn't lose control over her emotions since this would surely result in a panic attack accompanied by Crucio-related seizures and Burning-scar agony, which she didn't want any of them to witness. She would be helpless in their presence and that was an unbearable thought, meanwhile even again regarding Severus._

_"I misjudged my free time. Some administrative work came in from the ministry that needed and still needs seeing to and Remus is helping with regard to the evaluation of his Gryffindors-," Minerva offered._

_Severus looked from Minerva to Remus._

_"Of course-," the dark man said very slowly._

_"We should have asked you in advance, but we had no chance, Severus," Remus weighed in._

_"For Merlin's sake, Severus, use her for chopping potions ingredients. It would be a win-win-situation, she is-," was as far as Minerva came before Severus interrupted her harshly._

_"I am not in the habit of using students in any way, Minerva, and my ingredients are currently all seen to thanks to an incredibly large number of misbehaving Gryffindors lately," he snarled._

_Hermione meanwhile gazed at the portraits on the walls, which were all occupied. No former headmaster had the decency to leave, while she was being humiliated. Her glance stopped at the frame of the late headmaster Albus Dumbledore, who held a sympathetic gaze and looked indeed sad when he twinkled at her. The realization that at least the portrait assessed her differently felt oddly nice. Maybe he should supervise her detentions, she mused shortly before her attention focused back on the verbal battle between her living professors in the room. It would have been funny to witness how they were all dancing around the elephant in the room, hadn't said elephant been their common dislike of her of all things and that Minerva had gotten carried away by assigning two weeks of detention that she now didn't want to supervise. Hermione again longingly glanced at the sympathetic portrait and on a whim nodded a goodbye, turned on her heels and headed for the door._

_"Miss Granger, although we are still discussing them, you are nevertheless in detention and we didn't dismiss you," Minerva called strictly, "so come back this instant!"_

_Hermione turned around and saw the three of them staring at her in disbelief. Granted, no student very likely had ever dared this before, especially not when the dark potions master was involved and she was aware that this would have an adverse knock-on effect, but since they all used to be allies and united in their fight against evil, this whole situation was unbearable and Hermione's nerves were on edge._

_"As far as I understood you are not discussing my detentions, but who is to supervise them. Since I'm close to being spoiled rotten by all the appreciation, I thought I rather go for disappointing by denying my presence to all of you and choosing option number four instead, which is Mr. Filch. He'll surely love the prospect of hanging a disobedient student by their toes from the ceiling- or whatever he does with them these days. However, I trust I've lived through worse."_

_She believed to have heard Severus growl. Or maybe she was mistaken. He wouldn't growl, would he? He, however, didn't look pleased._

_"Hermione," Remus now growled indeed like the werewolf he was, "this is really inappropriate. I-," was as far as he came before he was stopped by Hermione._

_"I prefer to refrain from evaluating the touchy subject of inappropriateness. I trust, however, that I offered a convenient solution for all of you. I admit to exceed my competences, but I have homework and general preparations for classes that need to be seen to as well, so I'd like to get over with detentions as fast as possible if you don't mind."_

_Turning again she started a second attempt to head for the door._

_"Miss Granger, you are behaving outrageously. What, in Merlin's name, are you thinking? This will not go unpunished," Minerva now added sternly with a scowl worth the potions master._

_Portrait-Albus unexpectedly cleared his throat._

_"My, my, Minerva," he stated with fatherly disappointment._

_Before anyone else could react, Hermione took her chance albeit realizing that this likely was stupidly daring._

_"Of course you are well within your rights to punish me. I'd refrain from more detentions though. There simply isn't enough of me available to satisfy the desire of all three of you to spend time with me," she said sarcastically and knowing well that this was her last step to complete her social suicide, but she couldn't stop herself, "but I trust Gryffindor has house points left for you to take- or rather for Professor Snape." Gesturing at Remus and Minerva now, she continued, "Would you flash for taking them, none of us would have to be here right now," she finished affronting them._

_In the firm belief of being expelled by tomorrow morning, she left the office and went straight down to Mr. Filch's office, hoping they wouldn't follow her._

_o.O.o_

_"Good evening, Mr. Filch," Hermione stated carefully with her head ducked, "May I come in?"_

_He was surprised, not positively though, "What is it? Broken something that magic cannot repair?" he asked acidly._

_"No sir. I wonder if there is anything to do for a student serving detention."_

_"I have no note of one to serve their detention with me, girl. Better be off and ask your professor," he said dismissively._

_Hermione took a small step into his office._

_"I kind of forced myself on you, to be honest. I- ahem, I got a fortnight of detentions, but three teachers refused to supervise them and I kind of snapped at listening to their subterfuges. And then I told them, I'd rather choose you. You kind of just came to my head. Now, I'm sorry. I know you don't owe me anything, but could I maybe stay for tonight? I could scrub all the lavatories," she offered._

_Filch was aghast and very obviously so._

_"A fortnight? Why if they don't wanna put up with you?"_

_"Because I'm Hermione Granger-, and it was originally a fortnight, but I trust I'll only bother you tonight. After my speech, I'm surely expelled already, but hope dies last so I don't want to provoke further by skipping my first scheduled detention."_

_Now she started to feel slightly sick at the prospect of not getting her degree. She would get by without it and retreat to the Muggle world, but her NEWTS had been her dream ever since she had started here at Hogwarts at the age of eleven._

_"I know who you are. Still in disgrace then, huh?"_

_Hermione pressed her lips together and nodded. Disgrace was euphemistically put, but she kept silent._

_"Unfairly so, when asking me. You were braver than the lot of them, I was at your trial," he said and appraised her. "No hanging from the ceiling by your thumbs for you, girl. Lavatories though. I hate those. Filthy kids, as if they didn't get proper potty training," he muttered._

_Hermione hadn't expected him to be sympathetic to her, but he was, somehow at least. This filled her with gratefulness. Filch gestured to the equipment and told her which lavatories needed cleaning – all of them apparently. Great, but this was more to her liking than options one to three were._

_.o.O.o._

_"Of course I don't hurry. Students normally don't come willingly to scrub toilets and everything she doesn't finish needs to be seen to by me."_

_Hermione heard Argus Filch before he and his obvious company entered the lavatory._

_"Here we are, headmistress," he said on entering._

_"Thank you, Argus," Minerva said stiffly, "Accio wand," she added immediately._

_Hermione had faintly wondered what menace she hadn't recognized in here and was too surprised to react when she recognized her wand flying over to the headmistress. She froze to the spot, which meant that she leaned over one of the toilet bowls, her hands occupied by a cloth and a toilet brush. There was certainly no threat in this. And as this dawned on her, she knew that she was in for something else and that she might really be in danger. Her hands and neck got clammy. Fear threatened to overwhelm her. She was at Minerva's mercy. Hermione prayed for the relaxation potion to keep working._

_"Follow me, I've made a decision," the headmistress commanded._

_So it was just her then, the younger woman mused. This surely lowered her chances of seeing the morning. Slowly Hermione nodded._

_"Hurry! It's getting late," the headmistress insisted, but Filch intervened._

_"Swipe over the back wall and the seat afterwards at least and pack the stuff together. I'm not going to crawl from cabin to cabin in case I find something's missing. I want my utensils back completely," Filch snarled at Hermione and then turned to the headmistress, "Here's the key, headmistress. You can already go to my office and have a seat. I'll walk her."_

_Although having been disarmed already, Hermione moved as smoothly as possible to not provoke Minerva. Anything was to be expected, given that there hadn't even been a previous announcement for the disarming. By now, Hermione was quite sure that this was the moment, which she had anticipated to come one day. And due to her drained magical core she was more than just quite sure that even with her wand she wouldn't stand a chance against a powerful witch like Minerva McGonagall._

_"I'll wait outside. Two minutes. Hurry!" she ordered sternly._

_Filch, it occurred to Hermione, had just tried to buy her time. Likely also a bad omen, given that he normally wasn't inclined to do students any good._

_As the door closed behind Minerva, Hermione turned around with buckling knees and sank onto the toilet seat._

_"You really pissed her off, girl," Filch simply assessed._

_"Thank you for the last respite." It was probably better to thank him now._

_"I don't know what you're on about," he growled._

_She slightly twitched her lip._

_"And no one ever will. I won't get to blab it."_

_He nodded in something that looked an awful lot like agreement to Hermione. Her heart sank even more. Something inside her had obviously hoped for encouragement._

_"Don't dawdle!" Minerva reminded through the door._

_Taking a deep breath, she packed everything together. At the door Hermione suddenly got overwhelmed by sentimentality and looked at Filch._

_"Maybe it's asked too much, but, ahem, would you remember that I was indeed pacific here tonight?" she asked and quietly added, "I mean not to spread the word, just for my peace of mind-, ahem-," she sighed and shook her head at herself, "Forget I asked. It's nonsensical vanity."_

_Filch simply watched her with squinted eyes, when she opened the door to face whatever had been planned for her._

_"Go ahead to Mr. Filch's office," Minerva commanded._

_Hermione stood a second next to her and looked her in the eyes. No warmth visible. She started to walk in front of them both and after half a minute Hermione recognized that she was holding her breath, somehow awaiting the curse to hit her. Would Minerva do it with Filch to witness? Had he witnessed before? Was that why he had confirmed her assumption? Had something like this really happened before? Would it even happen? Was she overreacting? Severus and Remus weren't with Minerva. Was that good? Was she going crazy, kindled by the fact of the headmistress having disarmed her out of the blue while scrubbing toilets?_

_The arrival at Filch's office interrupted her babbling mind. Although she didn't want to be alone with the headmistress a very small part of her hoped he would stay behind. She didn't fancy having someone witness, who didn't have the power to intervene – he was a squib after all. Well, despite he somehow had seemed concerned he might nevertheless not have the wish to concede that much and such a witness would be worse. She had had too many of those moments during the war, far too many._

_"Put the stuff down here. I'll sort it myself," Filch dismissed her._

_"Good night, Mr. Filch," she greeted politely, "and thank you for having me."_

_He nodded at her._

_"Thank you for your assistance Argus. It was much appreciated to take it on you to supervise her unplanned," Minerva said to him before addressing Hermione again. "We'll proceed to the main entrance. Go ahead."_

_Without a word they continued their walk, the door opened before them. The fear now tightened its grip on Hermione and she had some difficulty stepping outside. Behind the door there were no portraits to witness anymore. The third vial of relaxation potion of this evening, which she had drowned when she had left the headmistress' office wondrously still worked. The dosage would have sent any average person of her stature to sleep, but she was wide awake and, what was more important, in control of her body._

_Outside she took a deep breath and on looking up at the slightly clouded sky she heard the slow steps of a second person arriving, Remus or Severus very likely. She wasn't inclined to find out. Better stop trying to figure out what was going to come. There was no changing their plans anyway and she was almost sure that she wouldn't beg them. Instead Hermione focused on the scenery before her, the wind was chilly and it rushed the clouds so the moon lit the grounds every now and then. She loved the castle and its grounds. This had become her second home during her first year. This was the place where she had found her two best friends with whom she had had a wonderful time full of dangers and life. She missed them and faintly wondered whether they would care at least a bit when she was gone for good or if her parents would. Before the crawling sadness would overwhelm her and likely render the potion useless, she told herself that it didn't matter since she would never get to know about it anyway. And strangely enough her focus, for whatever kind of reason, very easily shifted elsewhere: She deeply wished she could talk to Dumbledore to hear his opinion and to scream a demand at Severus to make him explain his inexplicable attitude ever since the "party" at Malfoy Manor. Merlin, she was obsessed with him and his behavior – likely because his was the only one providing a profound paradox._

_The second person now stood behind her too._

_"How long will you need, headmistress? Night duties need to be performed. It's well past curfew," Filch said._

_Hermione was glad that it had not been her head of house or Severus. She felt betrayed enough already._

_"I can do that tonight, Argus. I just need some more minutes here."_

_"I know you can. But now that I'm here and Mrs. Norris has decided to stroll a bit, I just wait 'til you're done and do my job. Then I'll be sure what has been done, if you know what I mean," he said unimpressed._

_The tears that dwelled in Hermione's eyes were invisible to them since she hadn't moved. She wondered whether Filch had been ambiguous on purpose, but however, he surely rained on Minerva's parade. He undoubtedly had a talent there. She would have surely found it more amusing had she not the feeling of taking her last breaths in these minutes anyway._

_On the grounds and out of the dark in front of them an equally dark man with longer black hair appeared – clearly Severus. She instantly felt sick and an intense tremble took possession of her. Wondering for how long the relaxation potion would continue preventing a full panic attack, she stared at the approaching man. To see her former hero in this scenario finally sent her over the edge and her fear now mingled with a profound sadness. She hadn't known that she obviously still had faith in him._

_Minerva interrupted her thoughts by addressing her, but wasn't interested in being faced since she continued talking to her back._

_"Due to the late hour I'll explain the details of your altered detentions tomorrow before class. However, you'll get an insight now as you'll go and clean the walkway surrounding the green from foliage. No curfew for you."_

_Hermione nodded, still with her back to them, but stopped listening at the details of where to find equipment. She knew that already from Hogwarts - A History. Instead she wondered if Minerva had just made up the story of altered detentions or if she had indeed planned to let her do them here and now._

_"Start now!"_

_She nodded again and slowly convinced herself to step down the stairs very smoothly as to not provoke any of the two professors. Severus had nearly reached her now and the young woman literally swallowed bile and felt an urge to beg him, what for, she couldn't really define._

_"Honestly Professor," Filch's grumpy voice said, "I expected a temper tantrum from her. I mean after what she has told me about her speech, but not such placidity. Students get stranger each year."_

_The old man had spoken loud enough for her to hear and right now she felt comforted by his presence. He had come here for her, he meant well as unbelievable as that may sound. Sadly Hermione couldn't see how flabbergasted Minerva stared at him, before Severus arrival distracted them._

_Forcing herself to hold the dark man's gaze when they got closer and get her trembling under control, she went on steadily._

_"Whatever your plans are, Miss Granger, in that direction better have your wand ready," Severus said when he passed her._

_"No risk, no fun," she returned quietly and heard him mumble "Gryffindors" behind her._

_She shivered when she had both teachers in her back, but steadily walked on without looking back. How strange was that? She had expected him to walk her into the Forbidden Forrest or something like that. But this nothingness? Or was he mocking her? Or was he not in on this and did mean nice? Her mind was blank and she couldn't make sense._

_Had she looked back about three minutes later, she would have seen that the headmistress had retreated into the castle, while Filch and Severus stood together in front of the main entrance._

_"I like it when they suffer for their misbehavior. But I prefer straightforward corporal punishment over outnumbering them and feeding deadly terror," Filch growled._

_"Since when are you concerned about students? What did I miss, Filch?"_

_The caretaker snorted derogatively. "I don't care about students-," he nodded towards Hermione, "but the girl has suffered enough terror for a whole life. Disarming her for no reason and acting like a damn firing squad. Makes adults nervous," Filch muttered and turned around to pick up Mrs Norris, but Severus stopped him._

_"Are you implying she has no wand?"_

_"I am. You're not in on this then, Professor?" he asked._

_'No risk, no fun' it echoed in Severus' mind. Her trembling may not have been due to the coldness._

_"I'll stay then. Good night," Severus said._

_"Can I trust you?" he asked challengingly._

_Severus arched an eyebrow at the caretaker, who stood no chance against a wizard anyway. As such, he and Hermione were in one boat right now. Severus realized that the grumpy man had really been genuine in his concern regarding the firing squad. What in Merlin's name had Minerva done and what had she been on about?_

_"It's my job to make sure they survive their stay," Severus returned and the old man retreated into the castle as well._

_.o.O.o._

_When it became more than obvious that her fight against the power of the autumn wind was a lost cause, Hermione sat down into the grass. It was tedious work and she was tired to the bones. For a couple of seconds she contemplated returning to her quarters, but didn't dare entering the castle again. Common sense told her that she very likely had been dead already had Minerva decided this to be her fate, but nevertheless, she felt uncomfortable. More than that actually._

_From the corner of her eye she recognized a movement and then saw the dark potions master approaching her. Her trembling returned. She couldn't help it. Minerva's show had scared her out of her wits and she still didn't know what the woman had had in mind and if Severus was in about it. Before she was at least rather sure that at least he wouldn't want her dead, but right now she didn't know anything anymore. Chances were that she was only still breathing due to Filch's interaction._

_When she realized that her legs didn't obey her, Hermione had no chance but to stay seated. She grabbed the grass in front of her to still her hands. The potions slowly stopped working._

_"It's nearly morning. Go to bed. I understand you're having busy days ahead."_

_Looking up at him, she said, "I haven't finished yet, sir."_

_He looked around the greens, which were currently lit by the moonlight._

_"It's autumn. There's no way to finish this before winter."_

_"I don't know what Professor McGonagall's rules for this are."_

_He now hunkered down closely in front of her and she flinched._

_"You didn't listen to her, then?" he asked slightly amused._

_"I was- distracted," she simply returned trying to hold his gaze. I tried to find a fitting prayer, she added in her thoughts._

_"Get inside now," he commanded, while getting to his feet again._

_"I cannot get up right now," she confessed quietly._

_Severus firmly took her by the arms and planted her to the ground._

_"Can you stand?" he asked without loosening his grip._

_She checked shortly, nodded and he let go of her arms. They started to walk in silence and after the first couple of meters he slowed his pace until Hermione managed to hold his. By the time they had reached the porch the idea to step back inside frightened her already, but as soon as the air stream from inside reached her it really gave her the creeps. Without thinking she suddenly grabbed Severus' wrist, but let go in the same moment._

_"Sorry, sir, I just- I- sorry," she stammered with terror in her voice._

_"I'll walk you to your quarters," he said almost gently, ignoring her outburst. Severus knew that if he followed up that matter now, he would end-up hugging her to give her comfort. "Tomorrow morning you'll go to the headmistress to get your wand back," he added neutrally._

_Hermione shortly assessed him wonderingly before nodding._

_Her sinking fear level was visible to his trained eye and since he had now apparently convinced the young woman that he intended no harm, Severus walked rather closely next to her to ensure her of his presence. By the time they had reached her door he had himself equipped with a list of questions to the headmistress on this evening._


	4. Flashback 2: Human Decency

**_Flashback 2/2: Human Decency_**

_**Late October 1999**_

_After day twelve of detentions Hermione was about to skip school. Not for one second had she believed her impudent speech to go unpunished, but what Minerva had come up with was even more than she had an ill-tempered Severus credited for. It had only been that one night of scrubbing toilets for Filch. After that she had been able to avert her expulsion in favor of altered detentions. Minerva had changed them to a fortnight of a 24/7 simple sounding cleaning task: Hermione was in charge of seeing to everything her professors thought needed cleaning after classes, plus, which was the nasty part, cleaning everything that fell to the floor in- and outside the castle._

_And due to not only working as a part-time house elf inside, but also as caretaker on the castle's greens, Hermione was probably the only student in a thousand years of Hogwarts to have fully acknowledged the remarkable amount of deciduous trees the Forbidden Forest had to offer, since she was in charge of taming the impressive amounts of foliage the autumn storms provided the castle's grounds with. It was tiresome and pointless work as it was, but the Slytherins added to it by reliably spreading her work again every late afternoon. The first couple of days the other Houses did as well, but they stopped as they had realized the extent of her detention task. Simply her fellow Gryffindors completely refrained from adding to her load, but only since they feared more point loss should she not get all the assigned work done. Together with all schoolwork and the increased panic-attack duration due to lack of recovery, this reduced her sleeping time to three hours per night._

_Right now, she was not only mentally but also physically on her knees to sweep the mess away one of the latterly clumsy students had spread in the Potions classroom on vanishing potions rests._

_Hermione was exhausted, they had managed to get to her, well Minerva had with her task and Severus apparently could not work against his nature of causing a student more adversity when the chance presented itself so invitingly._

_Her movements were more automatic now than ever, but slower as well and she had to sit back on her heels for a moment, feeling dizzy. Her energy had been wasted this morning already when Leander Marquardt used the viscosity of pumpkin pancakes as obvious pretence for a feigned temper tantrum that resulted in lots of food and drinks on the floor of the Great Hall, which was hers to clean. At least now she could do it with only Severus to witness and wasn't it nice that he got this chance since he had missed breakfast this morning, she mused bitterly._

_However, having forced her to clean the mess while everyone else was still eating was purposefully degrading her and that was just cruel given her general social stand and the fact that Hermione had once been cherished by Remus and Minerva made this whole situation even more grotesque. Hermione now tried to calm herself and to focus her thoughts on the task at hand and not the people responsible for it. She started telling herself that she could do it slowly now since there was no point in hurrying anymore, given that she was already late for Defense and would have to deliver a compensating essay anyway. Due to her overactive mind it immediately occurred her that she would very likely not be able to finish said essay, which would either lead to point loss or another essay. Her inner calmness returned to being a distant prospect again, but she immediately reminded herself that this would be manageable since detentions would be over soon. If not, she would just quit school. Meanwhile she felt extensively defeated. They had taught her their lesson and she had learned where they thought her place was. They had more pull and knew how to use it and if she wanted her degree, she had to go for it from the place they assigned her. Her line of thoughts was interrupted by the annoyed Potions master._

_"Don't dawdle. You're wasting my time and running late for class."_

_She wiped some stray curls from her right eye. "I am too late already, so there's no need to hurry, but don't let me stop you. If I will have finished properly will be visible anyway-," she offered._

_"I understand that you're not to use magic for this, so some supervision wouldn't go amiss, I trust," he answered._

_"I'm not under 24/7 supervision, so it would surely be right as rain not to waste your time watching me," she returned._

_"Which is indeed careless of the headmistress," Severus stated and was credited with an arched eyebrow and a puzzled look from his student. "Anything unclear, Miss Granger?" he asked sourly._

_"Professor McGonagall is having my wand for the remainder of the detentions. That was part of the deal to stay," she clarified._

_Hermione now hoped he would just leave her alone for a couple of minutes. Severus always reminded her of the fact that detentions could have been brewing or cutting ingredients, well, something productive at least. They had once been partners in this. Pressing her lips together she gazed back to the mess in front of her when tears started to pool in her eyes and returned to floor scrubbing._

_"And you agreed to that?" he asked with genuine surprise._

_"I'm here, am I not?" she countered unnerved without looking up, busy drying her eyes by blinking._

_"You do have classes in which wand-waving is required-," he weighed in._

_"Yes, and I'm currently not exactly top in them," she quietly admitted, knowing she was giving him ammo for later blackmailing. Due to the silence, Hermione believed Severus to contemplate what she had just offered._

_In fact, however, he was taken aback by Minerva's behavior. So far he had thought that the vilification in front of everyone during breakfast had been the height of her mercilessness. He hadn't witnessed it himself, but Rolanda Hooch had been indignant over the incident when she returned into the greenhouse where he had spent the early morning reaping ingredients for his afternoon class today. Even he never went that far, especially considering that Hermione was of age, an allied veteran, who had sacrificed herself and above all a human being. He clenched his fist around the quill he was holding. If only she finally found her fighting spirit again, he mused and on a whim decided to go for poking her some more._

_"Interesting approach. I shall make a mental note for my repertoire," he said._

_"That's sad to hear," she mumbled before she could stop herself and held her breath in shock._

_"Pardon?" he growled at her and she immediately looked at him with pleading eyes; self-respect was no longer for her._

_"I'm sorry, sir. I know I've maneuvered myself in this on my own, but I'm exhausted nevertheless and forget my place sometimes," she said sincerely and winced slightly at the realization of how natural this submissiveness came to her. Here she was, on her knees and begging to be forgiven for having uttered a vague opinion. Not so far in the back of her mind she faintly wondered if she started ironing her hands soon too. This was how hitting rock bottom felt like. The impact hurt._

_If anything, Severus was not only taken aback by the sincerity in her voice, but by the defeat that was mirrored in both message and tone. She had shown some fighting spirit in Minerva's office when the detention had started, but this seemed suddenly all gone now. She forgets her place, Merlin! As far as he was concerned Hermione's was above the others' for many reasons. Those fighting spirits of hers obviously needed serious triggering otherwise she would be lost and they-who-are-too-narrow-minded-to-see would have won. Suddenly he sat up straight in his chair. Dangerous emotional territory, Severus, stop it, he chided himself mentally._

_"Any opinion on my educational methods is misplaced. Five points from Gryffindor. However, regrow your backbone, Miss Granger- and now get out," he growled dismissively._

_.o.O.o._

_"Don't even think of arguing with me, Miss Granger," Poppy told her off, "You are in no condition to leave now. You'll keep lying still and don't you dare take that cloth away from the main wound."_

_Hermione's eyes brimmed with tears now. She nodded._

_"That's better, dear! I'll inform Severus that we'll need more Burning Hex salve. It'll help," she said friendly and patted Hermione's cheek._

_"Better don't tell him it's for me," Hermione suggested._

_"Nonsense. He'll do as asked. Under my watch no one is preferred or left out when it comes to medical aid! I swore an oath on that."_

_Fifteen minutes later, Poppy called Severus again. Hadn't Hermione by then been suffering through her anxiety attack, she would probably have a lovely comment on how sad it was that Severus hadn't sworn said oath. But she was seriously distracted by shaking and sweating, while being cold and her muscles slowly cramped. She knew it had to happen at some point after the Burning Hex had hit her and was indeed thankful it did here in the infirmary. The mediwitch had been so nice to put her into a corner where she wasn't exposed to possible visitors and felt safer. Unbelievable as it sounded, she wished for Severus to finally arrive, but first Poppy came and sat down on her sick bed._

_"Dear-, your parents answered the emergency letter. As you said, they won't come," the mediwitch said cautiously._

_"Anything else?" the young woman asked in a whisper when a new wave of pain washed over her._

_The older woman pressed her lips together. "They insist to be deleted from the contact list due to the severed ties."_

_"I see," Hermione returned shakily._

_Despite having expected it, the young woman felt how a painful disappointment slowly tightened its grip around her stomach. She had been humiliated, attacked, hurt and now rejected again. This was close to taking its toll. She focused on breathing to postpone the outbreak._

_"I'm a little shocked to be honest and I think there is no advantage in lying to you. The letter was very short and their tone rather unaffected. I'm so sorry," she added heartfelt and stroked her shoulder, "Is there someone else I should contact for you?"_

_"No, thank you, but may I ask a favor?"_

_"Of course, dear. What is it?"_

_"Could I make you my emergency contact? I mean the section mustn't be left clear and you'd be informed anyway and it would spare my pa- the Grangers and me emotional turmoil," Hermione asked under her breath. Her muscles cramped and willing her tears back was nearly impossible._

_The mediwitch now padded her hand. "Sweetheart, you should pick someone close to you. Maybe your grandparents or an aunt, a cousin, or a friend – they must meanwhile all be of age as well, so that would work,"_

_Hermione managed a plagued half-smile. "Would you be so kind?"_

_The older woman understood and nodded as if to herself._

_"Of course," she answered straight away, but then was distracted by a dark figure in the ward, "Severus, what took you so long? I'm having an emergency here," the mediwitch chastised him, while closing the distance and taking salve and potion from the man before immediately walking back to Hermione._

_"Argus briefly informed me more detailed in the corridor and I went back to fetch a more potent potion," he answered sourly, while starring at the young and messed up woman in the bed, who intuitively knew that he had overheard their conversation. She had felt sick before, but knowing that the unsociable man now had first-hand knowledge of the true extent of her pitiful situation, put her over the edge._

_"Sick," she mumbled and Poppy Accioed a bowl just in time to hold it for Hermione to vomit into._

_"It's alright dear, just let go," she soothed her and held back Hermione's hair. When she was done, the Mediwitch held the pain potion to her mouth. "Drink this. Then I'll apply the salve and you'll be better in no time."_

_After having pulled the curtains halfway close Poppy started to work the salve onto her burning skin. Hermione managed to stifle a scream as the salve made contact. She additionally trembled with pain now and honestly wished to pass out for some minutes._

_"Severus, since you're lingering, come and make yourself useful by holding her hand. I'm faster when I can use both of mine," Poppy commanded the dark man._

_At her words Hermione's eyes opened in shock. Poppy could not be serious about this. He had likely already witnessed their talk, definitely her vomiting and her overall pathetic condition. Now Hermione saw how Severus stopped at the curtain likely contemplating what to do. She caught herself feeling something like relief on at least not spotting disdain in his eyes, which would be hard to bear right now. Another wave of pain washed over her, which forced her eyes shut and made her grunt deeply._

_She shortly startled when a warm hand gently got hold of hers, but before thinking she clutched it and started crying in earnest: pain, sorrow, self-pity, humiliation and the longing for her rejecting mum blazed their trail._

_"What exactly happened?" he asked, while squeezing her hand slightly and fighting the urge to pat her hair soothingly. Forcing himself to stay calm took some effort. Although differently, it stirred disturbing memories of her at the Manor and seeing her like this and having physical contact made him want to comfort her more. This confirmed his conviction of better keeping a profound distance between them._

_"She was caught by a curse. In class," Poppy informed him with a knowing look._

_"Has Remus been informed?"_

_"He's currently not at Hogwarts. But Minerva knows-, it happened when she covered for him in Defense if I got it correctly?" she asked Hermione, who nodded, but kept her eyes closed. "However, we have it under control, don't we, dear?" she asked Hermione rhetorically, "I'm done. Now try to sleep a bit. We'll leave you to it. And don't hesitate to shout."_

_Without opening her eyes, as she couldn't stand looking at him, Hermione understood the dismissive gesture of Severus when he squeezed her hand once more before relaxing his own. When she equally tried to let go of his, she did so in vain._

_"Sorry, sir, cramps," she murmured._

_Now that potions and salves worked its magic she had her wits about herself again and processed that she indeed helplessly clung to the hand of the most unlikely man on earth to do that with. She cringed inwardly and in the same moment unexpectedly felt his other hand softly massaging her cramping fingers lengthwise until they indeed relaxed and instead of simply dropping her hand, he put it equally softly down on the bed. Neither did anyone say a word nor did Hermione open her eyes once during this. She just enjoyed the comfort this gesture provided her with, while deeply hoping he would not let her pay for it later._

_Poppy, who had meanwhile stored everything away and dimmed the light, now shoved the Potions master towards her office._

_"Severus, I don't know why, but this is getting out of hand. As far as the girl was willing to admit, Minerva had confiscated her wand, but nevertheless made her participate in the active part of Defense. She is severely injured. And I hope we all remember at some point that this is absolutely unacceptable for any student, but especially for those with extensive torture experience! And moral dubiety is no excuse either."_

_Severus nodded – his thoughts precisely. Next he Accioed Hermione's medical record, which made Poppy protest, but the dark man gestured her into silence. Then he took his wand and deleted her parents' names before taking a quill and putting Poppy Pomfrey's and his own in the emergency contact section._

_"I trust it's understood that this remains between us. The two of us, and that it is to be changed back immediately when they have come to senses again," he not really asked a flabbergasted mediwitch, who simply nodded. After that the irritating Potions master simply turned around and left. He needed to make a plan concerning the 'accident'. The mediwitch, however, stared after him and slowly started to smile widely._

_The salve worked its magic and Hermione fell asleep for three hours. At nine Poppy allowed her to retreat to her quarters, when she had convinced her that she needed to be somewhere with walls and firmly lockable doors. Although not far away, it took her quite long to manage three quarters of the way to her private quarters. Then she decided to lean to the wall, feeling dizzy and suddenly cold again. She contemplated how her knock-out would affect the duration of detentions. Very likely Minerva would add a complete day, well, seeing her state now, two days more likely._

_"Fit enough again to wander the corridors," he said, seemingly approaching out of nowhere._

_"Moving at a snail's pace rather, but it allows a closer look at the portraits. I normally hardly value them," she tried to lighten the mood. She wasn't fit enough by any means to put up with Severus now and suddenly missed his soothing presence from before. Merlin, no matter how often she tried to convince herself differently, she needed someone._

_"Which may not be recommended security-wise-," he weighed-in._

_"I'm meanwhile well-known for being unarmed and lately even for coming like this to duels. So I trust everyone, who had fancied a go, had very likely gotten over it during the last fortnight," she said matter-of-factly._

_"Something like this has happened before?" he asked her seriously._

_Now she shot him a look if incredulity. "It has and I'm more than pleased by the thought that my real murderous fans must be disappointed by the halfhearted attacks of their tender-hearted companions here at school," she said with feigned joy. "But I'm rambling. I don't intend to stop you from your rounds. There surely are insolent students to catch at the Astronomy Tower. Have a good night, Professor," she dared dismissing him._

_"Five points from Gryffindor for being an insolent student yourself. Now move on, Miss Granger," he snarled to not betray his shock at her revelation._

_"I think I'll need another minute," she admitted although she had wanted to prevent this, "but will be gone then. Please."_

_As a matter of fact, she needed far more than a minute. The last five meters to her quarters had proven unmanageable, even on all fours. Meanwhile she sat on her heels; her heart beat significantly to fast, she was cold from the sweat and trembled, while her muscles cramped and didn't allow her to move further. At least she hadn't vomited so far. This was highly embarrassing in front of the portraits, but now that she heard Severus approach for a second time this evening, she painfully realized that she had indeed some pride left or otherwise wouldn't feel this amount of humility now. She faintly wondered how many points he would take now that she had apparently not followed his orders- or would he rather present her with extending her lovely detentions? When she felt him stand behind her she became aware of the exposed position she was in and had to fight down emerging memories from the Manor and the accompanying panic. She reminded herself that he had been the one saving her and swore to herself not to cry in front of him again._

_"Snail's pace from a snail's angle. That's getting into a performance."_

_"I overestimated myself," she whispered._

_"With the Burning-Hex wounds I rather levitate you inside. Wingardium Leviosa," he incanted and moved her towards her door, where she thought her password to let them in._

_After having settled her on the sofa, he put a blanket from one of the armchairs over her. She looked terrible._

_"Thank you, sir," she said quietly, but Severus ignored that._

_"Miss Granger, the distribution of your injuries proves a somewhat extended experience. Are you sure it wasn't rather some fighting between students instead of training Defense? I take it Minerva wouldn't be careless enough to leave students unsupervised."_

_There were three ways to answer this question and every single one would get her into trouble. Hermione was bound to admit that he really was a natural. She could now either say that Minerva hadn't been there or that Minerva hadn't intervened or that Hermione didn't want to answer- or something along that line._

_Answer the direct question, ignore the implication. "It was training Defense, sir," she said._

_"Minerva is getting slow in her reactions, I take it?" he asked._

_"I trust she would disagree with you there. Slowness of her reaction had nothing to do with the outcome, sir."_

_He assessed her, impressed by her Slytherin way of answering. He had underestimated her. He had thought she would blurt out what had happened._

_"Did she intervene when you were unable to ward the curse off?" he asked slowly, towering over her now._

_Bugger! That was bad. "Sir, I'd rather not answer that," she subdued._

_This, of course, was practically screaming no. But getting the mere information was never enough with the dark Potions teacher. He wanted to be obeyed and that meant answering direct questions or facing punishment._

_"Enlighten me, Miss Granger, since when that was an option with me?"_

_"I'm aware of your standards, but I'd rather not do more than implying anything. I'd like to have my wand back soon since I fancy outliving the remainder of my school time and I thus think it wise to refrain from mentioning anything that might add to my special detentions."_

_"And it has not occurred to you that I might add to those, too?"_

_"It has, sir. In the moment you asked the question I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. My reasoning has likely been clouded by your—recurring assistance. I mean no disrespect," she sighed and had to swallow hard to fight back her tears at the memory of how comparably supportive he had been some hours ago, "Sir-, I just want my degree and I promise to leave you all for good the same day, but I'm lost without my wand- in more than one way," she heard the begging undertone herself – submission and rather easily again._

_"Five points from Gryffindor for disobedience," Severus snarled. Astonishingly enough she was not even irritated that he took points from the injured victim for not wanting to get more trouble._

_On a whim the dark man simply turned around, but before he reached the door, she called for him._

_"Professor, could you please Accio a glass of water?" she asked politely. A carafe and a glass appeared next to her on the coffee table before he left without another word._

_At the sight of her literally crawling on the floor, repelling and perturbing memories had been evoked and now that his suspicion concerning Minerva was confirmed, he felt like taking his turmoil out on someone. For the third time in two weeks he purposefully headed for the headmistress' office to discuss matters concerning this special Gryffindor student. The school regime had gone topsy-turvy._

_.o.O.o._

_After having spent the whole Friday in bed and having finished two of her essays, she felt quite content with herself. Suddenly Winky appeared with a crack and Hermione startled._

_"Miss must eat. Winky brought food for Miss," the elf beamed at her, "Is Miss feeling better?"_

_"Thank you, Winky, and yes, I am better. How do you know, I'd need food?"_

_"Defense professor told Winky."_

_Hermione nodded. Thus, Remus had returned and been informed about what had happened. And due to her complete absence all day he had sent an elf to see if she was still alive._

_"Winky, may I ask you to get me some tea?"_

_"Of course, Miss," and the elf disappeared only to return within a minute carrying a tray with a pot of tea, a mug, sugar, milk and some sweet scones._

_Now it was Hermione's turn to beam._

_"Lovely. I cannot thank you enough."_

_"Miss may call Winky anytime. Good night."_

_And with a plop the elf disappeared, leaving Hermione to her thoughts. It was rather obvious that investigating her condition was not any professors' priority. Human decency would have demanded Minerva to visit her and apologize, but it had been clear that this was not going to happen. A small part in her seemed to have had the hope that Remus might indeed shortly drop by at least. Before the war he would have arrived next to her bed within ten minutes after her absence from the morning class would have been announced. The times they are changing. Hermione wondered how long she would have to stay in here before a human would decide to check on her. It would have been more tempting to find out if it hadn't entailed a slew of compensational work. She decided to sneak to the teachers' room and put her essays in the post box. It should be unlikely to meet Severus in the corridors at this time of day since he would probably still supervise detentions._

_After having successfully circumvented teachers and Slytherins on her way, she met Jason in the Entrance Hall on his way to visit her in the infirmary. He explicitly apologized for what had happened in class. Given his blushing, stammering and fidgeting, Hermione decided his remorse to be authentic and forgave him. After all, most damage had happened due to his lack of control when he had recognized in shock what he had done by attacking her as ordered. The young man even offered her his material from the classes she had missed to copy, which Hermione had thankfully accepted._

_.o.O.o._

_On her return to her quarters she wanted nothing more than going back to bed, but in the doorframe to her bedroom Hermione came to a halt and glanced back into her sitting room. Carafe and glass were on the coffee table and filled. Severus had provided her with both, but when she had tried to get the glass without magic - since her core didn't allow wandless magic right now - her hurting muscles and the Burning-Hex wound over which she had to roll, had made it impossible. So she had only managed to tear everything onto the floor: the glass first, followed by the carafe. She had been thirsty. And she had been negligent, since as a result of the straining days, she hadn't managed to bring herself to care and pick up the stuff, but had just walked into the bathroom to drink from the tap anxious to go to bed and finally sleep undisturbed._

_She stared at the riddle in front of her. Who had done this? Hermione further tried to reconstruct her steps of last night again. Suddenly she realized that she missed the part of having walked from her bath- to her bedroom. Without warning the memory of a crack at the bathroom ceiling plopped up. Had she lain on the floor? Hermione walked into the bathroom and bravely looked up at the ceiling and there it was – the crack in exactly the shape she had just remembered._

_She walked into her bedroom and sat down on her bed. Whilst trying to further reconstruct, it dawned on her that she was missing even more, because when she had woken up this morning, she had been clean and fresh. Hermione's hands started to sweat at the uncertainty the holes in her memories had left her with._

_"Winky," she called and the elf arrived immediately._

_"Yes Miss."_

_"Have you been putting me to bed last night and put carafe and glass from the floor back on the table?"_

_The elf looked confused. "No Miss. Winky only came here tonight."_

_"Thank you. Good night," she dismissed the elf, who took a bow and left._

_Then she thought about Poppy, who had announced her visit for tomorrow as if it were business as usual, but hadn't come today. Hermione floo-called her. She needed clarity for she felt unsafe most of the time anyway and the feeling of being committed she had now, didn't do her any good. Quite the contrary actually._

_"Hermione, what is it dear?"_

_"I'm sorry to disturb again, but have you been here in my quarters last night or this morning to assist me?"_

_"No dear. I haven't left the infirmary but for mealtimes. Something went wrong with the first-graders in Herbology and almost the whole class got hospitalized a couple of hours after you left, but the last four will return to their Houses tonight-, however, is there anything wrong? You look distraught."_

_"Well, some things are different from how I left them and I cannot remember some others, like going to bed," she conceded increasingly uneasy._

_"Oh, I trust it must have been Severus. He brought in five sick Slytherins around two. We talked about you shortly and he volunteered to check on you again to buy me time here until tomorrow. You were totally exhausted. I'm sure when you've rested a little more, your memory will return soon. Get some sleep so you get stronger again. I'll see you tomorrow."_

_Hermione couldn't quite believe what Poppy had just said. "Thank you, good night-, oh, wait please," Hermione half-shouted. "But how could he have entered?"_

_"Universal teacher password. Remember, dear?" Poppy asked concerned, "Go back to bed and sleep. Contact me should you need something."_

_How could she have forgotten about the emergency password for the staff, which overrode the wards of all dorms and guest rooms? She shuddered at this option while walking back into her bathroom to simply stare at the floor, where she had obviously lain the night before. All of a sudden, very unlikely memories popped-up that didn't make sense to her; memories in which she looked into the black and concerned eyes of her Potions master above her, while lying on the bathroom floor. Memories in which they didn't even break eye-contact when he poured water into her mouth, while encouraging her in a soft voice to swallow it. Her mind now even wanted to convince her that he had carried and tucked her up in bed after having cleaned her magically. Oh Merlin, had she really begged him to stay until she slept and had he indeed agreed so gently and told her to keep on fighting? Was that even possible or was her mind playing tricks on her and just transplanting a memory of something that had indeed happened long ago in a far-away place into a current environment? Maybe as a result of wishful thinking after the man, whose acceptance she longed for so dearly had shown some decency by holding her hand to comfort her._

_While looking around the room she started to feel lost and dizzy and decided to just go to bed. The last two weeks had been exhausting and the last 24 hours alone qualified for enough mental and physical stress for a whole month or rather more, given her overall condition. She decided to just stay in bed for a couple of days and smiled at the memory of Poppy last night, who had ordered her to. Of course only after having provided her with three vials of pain potion, one pot of burning salve and the offer to have a nice little chat with everyone, who thought Hermione fit to attend classes before Tuesday. It felt good to have someone on her side. Looking at the ceiling, she suddenly bolted upright at the memory of Severus pointing his wand at her: he had Obliviated her last night, but given that he was one of the most powerful wizards of their world, obviously only half-heartedly, because otherwise she definitely wouldn't remember anything anymore._

_Rain pattering at her bedroom window woke her early on Saturday morning. A small smile occurred on her face. This had always been one of the coziest moments for her: being tucked up warmly, ideally with a book while listening to a thunderstorm outside. With the calming sound surrounding her, Hermione slowly moved under the blanket to pull it faster around her. She immediately felt every muscle that had cramped during the last two days and the scars burned again. This reminder of reality made her decide to stay in bed for another day at least to make up for her sleep deprivation, the sufficiency of which she would measure in the intensity of the shaking of her hands._

_.o.O.o._

_On Sunday evening, Remus knocked at her door and after hesitating shortly, she let him in._

_"I wanted to see if you need something. Poppy informed me that you'd likely be able to attend classes again on Tuesday," he said awkwardly._

_She bit back a Thank you, better. How are you? "I need to know how my detentions are affected by this delay. An exact deadline would be helpful," she answered, "I have to catch-up leeway, too, so I need to administer my time."_

_"Your duty has been fulfilled," he said and produced her wand from a hidden pocket and handed it to her. She took it from him and nodded._

_"I'm sorry that you were injured in class."_

_"There's no need for you to be," she returned matter-of-factly. What else to say when it took your Head of House three days to show up after you have been seriously injured in class, but without interest in your condition?_

_Now Remus nodded slowly and appeared contemplatively, but although he didn't seem to have finished whatever else he might have wanted to say or do, he bid her goodnight and left._

_She couldn't really make sense of the turn of events and what had activated them. The gloomy man that had investigated on the circumstances and apparently had secretly looked after her came to her mind._


	5. Chapter 03: Change of scenery

**03 Change of scenery**

**25 December 1999, late evening/night**

On entering his living room, Hermione came to a halt in the doorframe and took it in. It was unexpectedly non-menacing: A sofa and two comfortable emerald-green armchairs in front of a fireplace, each accompanied by a dark wooden coffee table and visually held together by a fluffy silvery-grey carpet. The wall opposite the fireplace was completely hidden by an oversized bookshelf, which didn't suffice for all books as some were piled in front of it and next to one of the armchairs. This was his preferred one, she supposed. Directly to her left was a large wooden desk, where some papers and even more books sat on. There was also a tasteful tea set placed on the room-facing side. As was to be expected of him, useless decorations were scarce, but the chandeliers on the mantelpiece were appealing.

When Severus recognized her standing motionless at the door, he sighed audibly and went back to navigate her by the shoulders into the bookless armchair in front of the hearth with the crackling fire. She shivered slightly and was covered by a silvery-grey blanket Severus had picked up from the sofa. Hermione had already recognized Pank's presence on entering and now the elf handed her a mug with steaming hot chocolate and enthusiastically ensured Severus to have _everything_ prepared as he had ordered and Severus, to Hermione's astonishment, thanked him politely.

Not wanting to draw more attention to herself, she kept her eyes on the dancing flames of the fire and continued to feel awkward for herself. There was no need to see Severus or encourage him to ask questions on the topic at hand. He settled into the armchair opposite hers and drank his chocolate quietly, slowly relaxing. She'd never believed him to be a chocolate person, but then its warming abilities were known to all having ever been attacked by Dementors, so this might just be for medicinal reasons. On having finished her drink, she worked up her courage and cleared her throat.

"I'd rather not go to a hospital, but it- it seems, well, no- I'm aware rather, that babysitting me is asked a bit too much-. I already owe you and can't thank you enough for it," she stated wearily, feeling ashamed and staring at the floor next to the fireplace.

Severus shifted his gaze from the fire to her and nodded absently.

"Alright," was all he stated before finishing his mug. "Winky," he called firmly.

The house elf arrived promptly, but unlike herself she ignored Hermione, obviously aware of the strained situation. Or maybe Pank had already shared what he had witnessed before.

"Go to Miss Granger's quarters and pack some of her favorite Muggle clothes and bring them, fast preferably," he ordered.

Hermione kept her gaze down, swallowed hard at that and resisted the sudden urge to throw herself at his feet and beg him not to send her away. Something inside her had apparently hoped that he would protest. On the other hand, Hermione was well aware that she of all people was a case for a psychiatric ward, a closed one even. Severus as the voice of reason had hit home with her, but the very thought of a mental hospital with doors designed to be locked one-sided and beds probably having manacles attached to them made her start to panic now. Merlin, am I a case for manacles? I won't live through that, her mind babbled. She felt like vomiting, hands, neck and back suddenly became clammy.

Severus had meanwhile left for his bedroom and Hermione started to breathe deeply to calm herself down before this would result in another attack. She had had enough of those for one day. But in a mental ward, she'd need to talk, well no, she would be _forced_ to talk. To strangers, who didn't even know about their parallel world or their war, who wouldn't be able to understand the frame conditions and which she wouldn't be able to explain, because talking about magic, wizards and herself being a witch would definitely label her a case for manacles.

Her mind raced: An adapted story wouldn't work well either, not with all her scars. In the end, it would boil down to still having to explain the inexplicable in order to speak about the unspeakable. Speaking, accepting, forgiving, healing - after all, the idea of the whole therapy concept was something along those lines. Otherwise they'd never let her see the end of it. But to Severus she wouldn't need to explain herself. He was by no means to be considered close to professional with regard to psychology, but he knew, he understood, he sympathized and whatever she would do, he would at least not tackle her or tie her up for her own good and lack of better ways.

She forced her attention back to breathing and fought both panic and bile back, a bit at least. Then you should have said what you wanted. You're a Gryffindor and that's what you're supposed to do. Now deal with it, she chided mentally. Plus, she knew, he had done so much more for her today than anyone would ever have given him credit for, she shouldn't overstrain his good will any longer.

The simultaneous arrival of Winky and Severus brought her back to the business at hand. When Winky handed her suitcase to the Potions master, she distantly realized that he hadn't even bothered asking if she was alright with having a house elf packing her private stuff together. If there was a concession to make regarding incapacitating her, then it was his choice of Winky, which she counted as a gesture of good will. Strange enough, she couldn't bring herself to really care about her degradation. Psychiatric ward, definitely, her mind confirmed.

Hermione motionlessly watched him shrinking her suitcase and putting it into his robe. Suddenly feeling emaciated and beaten, she couldn't bring herself to interact or intervene and all she managed was not breaking down completely.

Regarding her contact-avoiding form, he knew it was time for them both to end this too long day. Whatever was troubling her now, she apparently had no intention of sharing it with him whatsoever.

"Time to go," he said calmly as he came to stand by her armchair offering her his hand. She peeked up at him very shortly with what he thought were puffy eyes and glancing away again she reached for his hand.

"Apparating should be fine seeing that your nerves have calmed down," he firmly told the young woman in front of him, who kept fixedly staring at his chest.

Severus was increasingly exhausted and running out of patience again, both of which giving him a hard time to not go roaring back into teacher mode in the face of her impolite ignorance. His right hand cupped her chin and lifted her face up. Her eyes kept avoiding his, but it became visible that she had indeed been crying again.

"We'll side-along, thus try to relax to reduce the aftermath-," Severus urged. "_And_-, although no news for you, I'd like you to remember how much I dislike having to _repeat_ myself and that I'd appreciate it if you recalled your manners and let at least some kind of confirmation show, when I address you," he added determinedly when she kept fixedly starring.

When her eyes widened and flew up to his as she processed his message, Severus let go of her chin.

"Of course, si-, everything's a bit too much, I mean no harm, I- I appreciate your patience," she stated apprehensively.

"I know. Which is actually the only reason for your head to still be on your neck and not on my mantelpiece," he teased carefully and nodded towards it. "The currently empty spot between the chandelier and the hourglass is reserved for trophy heads."

This raised a half-smile from Hermione. She enjoyed his humorous side.

"Ready?"

She nodded. "As much as I'll ever be."

At that she found herself encircled in his arms. Having expected to side-along with linked arms, this took her by surprise, but pacified and released some of her tension immediately. Hermione hesitantly dared to put her arms around his waist and when she'd also rested her cheek to his chest, he tightened his embrace carefully. Silently, fresh tears spilled over, ran down Hermione's cheek and were soaked-up by his waistcoat.

A second crack and a new floor under their feet marked their arrival. _Point of no return._ Hermione unsuccessfully tried to suppress a sob, which gathered Severus' attention and without loosening his embrace he looked down to her.

"Are you alright?" he asked in a gentle voice.

She tightened her arms around him and Severus restrained himself in the last moment from resting his lips on top of her head. This has to stop very soon. Dangerous habit evolving, he reminded himself inwardly, while indulging in the embrace. He could do with some reassuring too.

Hermione was not alright. Swallowing a sob, she pressed herself closer to him. "Please, don't leave me alone with them. They won't understand like you, no one would, but they wouldn't get _anything _right. They don't know about our world, and I'd be doomed severely delusional and prone to extensive self-harm. They lock doors and still use manacles, Severus _please_, you can imagine why I can't- I really can't have that," she begged in a panic-fueled voice all the while being ashamed of her angst and starting to tremble. You are pathetic, Granger, she chided.

If possible at all, Severus instinctively tightened his embrace a bit more. He suddenly understood her preceding behavior and felt relief wash over him on apparently being in for _all _instead of nothing - for now at least. He let his hand brush her hair from her face.

"Shhh- it's all fine," he soothed her. "Look around."

So she did, lifting her head. Turning slightly, she literally gaped at the room she stood in.

Severus was amazed as well and had trouble processing what he saw, although very surely for a very different reason. Convinced that they both could also gape while seated, he navigated her to the sofa where they both settled back into the cushions.

This was his house, the same house he had grown-up in, the same house in which he had suffered from an abusive father and a withdrawn mother, the same house that has mirrored negligence and absence of affection in its pitiful, uninviting condition for as long as he could remember, the same house he had only refrained from selling due to being family property for several generations, protected by ancient powerful wards, which made it nearly undetectable, the same house he had never felt at home in-. The same house-, although this version looked homey and very much so. It was obvious now, why Pank had been so irritatingly enthusiastic before. That elf has an aptitude for interior design! Severus shook his head. Only five minutes ago he'd have taken any bet that it was impossible for this day to get any stranger than sitting in a bubble bath with Hermione Granger practically in his lap.

This officially qualified for his weirdest Christmas ever. And for his emotionally most challenging and reassuring one ever as well.

"Where- where are we?" Hermione asked irritated.

He looked back at her, his own surprise still visible.

"Spinner's End, Manchester."

_How helpful. _She lifted one inquiring eyebrow at him, which earned her furrowed brows and a snort.

"In my house. I'm relieved to see that your immanent thirst for validation finally won over your lightheaded implicit trust," he amusedly stated.

"It's- so comfy-. Well-, as for my trust: rest assured, it's based on experience and well-deserved," she said in a very heartfelt voice.

Severus was completely taken aback by both message and sincerity and subconsciously held his breath. He could hear that she was not humoring him or talking things up, her whole behavior this night had marked her words' honesty, but he still couldn't quite bring this trust in line with their past. With the fact that he had, irrespective of the reason, not helped her at the party, twice even. Merlin, it had broken his heart, but she didn't know that. How could she trust him at all, let alone implicitly? He didn't deserve that. Rendered speechless, he felt the lump forming in his throat and his heart raced with very rare but right now scarily intense emotions, which literally warmed him in the extreme. In this house! Unthinkable. Forget about _Christmas_. This qualified for his emotionally most challenging and reassuring _time_ ever. Pull yourself together, fatigue influences your evaluation of events, and now calm down, he mentally chastised himself while clearing his throat.

"Yes, it is," he vaguely confirmed, relieved that his voice was steadier than he'd feared it to be.

At this, Hermione couldn't suppress a small smile. Now she was sure that she had made him uneasy with her statement. He had been silent for at least a minute, but still managed a very _Slytherin _answer. She would postpone enquiring _which_ parts of her statement exactly he'd just so _elaborately_ confirmed.

"What made you think we'd go to the clinic?"

"I- I practically dismissed you from babysitting me. You ordered Muggle clothing for me."

"We _are_ actually in Muggle Manchester. And, yes, in terms of dismissal, you _really_ went straight for my weakest point. Aren't you proud of me for having mustered the strength to overcome it and do what _I _judged to be a good decision?" he mocked, rolling his eyes at her when she shortly glanced at him. "You said, you'd rather not go there," Severus added.

"I did say _that_ too," she granted, slightly fidgeting at which he shortly squeezed her hands to make her stop.

"Why would they constrain their patients?"

"Not regularly, I hope at least, just when they're prone to harming, others, themselves, things, well, stuff like that. They have medication for it, but before this kicks in-. And, well-, there is probably nothing really effective for my Crucio seizures and all- and sometimes they're bad. Well, no, they are always bad, but sometimes even worse and- and my nails sometimes draw blood and, ahem- this and - and the reason why I would be there and with all the inexplicable scars may be enough. I don't know for sure of course," her voice trailed off, her arms folded she tried to prevent herself from crying by soothingly rocking forth and back. Hermione locked eyes with the dark man. "They won't understand because they wouldn't believe." She shifted her gaze back to her knees. "You do and you know I'm not delusional and you car- That's why I wanted to stay with you," she added in a whisper.

"I do indeed," Severus simply stated, again unable to come up with something more elaborate. His mind was exhausted.

Hermione smiled at him.

"I need to ask one more question."

He snorted and she rolled her eyes at him.

"One more for _now_. Why did you bring us here instead of staying at Hogwarts?"

"I gathered a change of scenery for Christmas would do you good." Hermione was baffled. She knew it must have been something along those lines for him to have made this decision, but hearing him admitting it freely, was different. "And since we'd have to talk some things through, some privacy also wouldn't go amiss."

At that he recognized her swallowing on processing the memory of what had made them both come here in the first place.

Hermione also processed his obvious nuance-repertoire of expressing things and how little of it he had ever shown at school. So far, there had been no derogatively reminding undertone, just a plain declaration. No fearful teacher persona audible. Should that one return full-force, he'll never let me see the end of it. Merlin, detentions will resemble one of hell's deeper circles with all the ammo I've provided already and probably still will, she pondered, while mentally face-palming herself for having brought herself in this situation. Although, granted, this night's turn of events hadn't been foreseeable for anyone. Having to smile at the memories of his concerned caresses and the unbelievable lavender-bubble-bath scenario, she looked back at him.

"That was very thoughtful of you. I thank you," she said with honest appreciation in her voice. "I know, I'm repeating myself, but it's comfy," she continued.

"And worn," Severus added

She chuckled.

"Nice try, but that only adds to the snugness. I really like it here. You did seem surprised by it before," she half-asked.

"Well spotted," he nodded. "This used to be the most forbidding house. I have never- liked it here and have never cared. Actually, no one I have known has ever cared." This time his voice trailed off.

Hermione, hearing the mournfulness in it, suddenly became aware that Severus had left another comfort tonight zone by bringing them here. But instead of guilt, it was a tinge of satisfaction she felt, because the scenery somehow seemed to have rewarded him for this step. Not once in the minutes since their arrival had he tried to substitute his emotion for feigned indifference again.

Severus had meanwhile gathered himself.

"It took an enthusiastic house elf and one hour to make it livable," he chuckled unbelievingly.

"Goodness, that's why Pank had practically beamed with elation before-," Hermione joint into his chuckling and suddenly felt relaxed. "He had finally gotten the chance to live out his talent. He deserves a treat for this," she added and Severus nodded amusedly at her.

"We'll think of something. But for now, you'll help yourself to some of those cookies, you must be starving by now. I'll go upstairs to have a look at the magic Pank hopefully worked with the bedrooms. It's past one already." On getting up, he handed her the plate from the table.

"Thanks! But I can come along and help-," Hermione offered, already moving.

"No, you stay put and _eat_. I won't be long and I'm on shouting distance," he emphasized and Hermione nodded obediently, slightly relieved for the opportunity to give in to her overall fatigue.

.o.O.o.

No, this was not a dream, but real sickness. Hermione's eyes flew open and stared at a crackling hearth in a faintly familiar living room with a Christmas tree decorated with emerald-silver and scarlet-golden ornaments. Struggling away the blanket she couldn't remember to have helped herself to, she feverishly tried to remember where the bathroom was while getting up from the sofa-, but it was too late. Her knees buckling and forcing her on all fours, she vomited on the carpet in front of the sofa- Severus' carpet in front of Severus' sofa, it occurred to her. Merlin, let him sleep through this until I've cleaned up the mess, she silently prayed as another convulsion hit her and she gave in to it. What else to do, it wasn't as if she had a choice. It's too bad about the cookies, she reflected, absurdly so. Leaning against the sofa, Hermione took a moment to feel inside herself and check if a full panic attack was about to follow. When she couldn't find any signs, she sighed with relief given her extreme tiredness and still aching muscles before managing to get up and into the kitchen.

It was old, real 1950's vintage and well-used. She spontaneously fell in love with the solid natural wooden dining table and let her hands slide over its stained surface. It could do with some sandpapering and oiling.

"You served patiently all your life, huh? Surely you don't deserve this neglect. I'll see to you come the chance," she promised the table lowly-voiced.

Focusing back on the cleaning task at hand, she looked for a bucket and a cloth and was surprised to actually find both in a wizard's house. The water-tap startled her with the characteristic gurgling and spitting noises found in old plumbing when out of use for some time. She hoped that Severus would be very fast asleep.

After five minutes of scrubbing she was interrupted by a voice coming from the doorframe.

"I knew you are keen on getting things done, but starting with detentions by scrubbing a carpet in the wee hours of Boxing Day is overdoing it-, even for you, _Miss Granger_."

Hermione continued cleaning the carpet in slow circles.

"Before judging said_ Miss Granger_ overambitious, it would be wise contemplating that this otherwise _bright_ young woman, did not _only_ entirely inexplicably start at an obviously absurd day, time and place, but also, and above all, _unsupervised_. Thus, I'd render it highly recommendable to investigate the detention-administration skills of the professor in charge before jumping to any conclusion, _sir_." She had slept a little and her brain worked again.

Severus laughed at that and at the strange sound she sat down on her heels and stared at him. It was a heartfelt laugh from the sleep-tousled and barefooted man in black pajama pants and a white T-Shirt. Suddenly Hermione couldn't help, but to relax at this unexpected sight of the normally restrained, accurately clad teacher. She smiled at the still present laughter and his homey appearance. When she wanted to return to her cleaning, Severus, still chuckling, magically cleaned the carpet and Evanescoed the water.

Shortly stopping at another intimate gesture, Hermione gladly took the helping hand he offered and got to her feet.

"Go to the bathroom upstairs, second door on the right. I take care of tea and storing everything," he said good-naturedly and thankfully squeezing his hand, she made her way upstairs.

On her return she found a mug with herbal tea and honey waiting for her on the coffee table, which she gratefully took before settling back onto the sofa. Severus entered from the kitchen with his own mug and arched a questioning eyebrow at her astonished look.

"I thought you had returned to bed already. I'm sorry for having woken you and I thank you very much for tea and cleaning," Hermione said with an apologetic smile at which Severus managed to arch his eyebrow even further.

"Don't be ridiculous. Until your core is stronger again, you may wake me for the- dirty work."

At that she chuckled. "Due to my Muggle upbringing, I'm perfectly capable of doing such mundane tasks with my hands and will certainly refrain from bothering you. But I shall remember your offer come the need to dispose of-,say-, body parts," she said.

"Always at your service, Ma'am," he offered diligently and Hermione's chuckling turned into a laugh.

"Without questioning whom I'd want to slaughter?" she asked with feigned indignation.

Shrugging his shoulders, he looked at her and grinned. "Since you're overly forgiving, I'm convinced that whoever would be on this particular receiving end surely had it coming. I trust your good judgment on that- implicitly," he answered airily while finishing his tea and taking hers from her hand and gesturing her to follow him upstairs.

There were two bedrooms opposite each other and the bathroom Hermione had used before. The notion that she was indeed standing in a bedroom with her most disputable Potions master in the middle of the night as the crowning of an emotionally and physically most straining and socially topsy-turvy day, had distracted her from whatever Severus had just explained to her.

"Hermione?" he asked and saw how she returned to reality.

"Sorry, I just got overwhelmed. Could I just ask tomorrow if I don't know how to proceed?"

"Asking to be allowed to ask questions – the times they're changing," he rolled his eyes at her, but in visible goodwill. He placed the mug back into her hand. "Go to bed. My room is not warded. Should something be amiss, don't hesitate to knock. I see you at breakfast," he bid her goodnight.

"Si-, when am I supposed to be downstairs?" she asked mentally face-palming herself for not having listened.

"Whenever you feel well-rested and hungry enough to leave your bed. Surely not before ten or- better eleven given the time now. Don't worry about me," he said good-naturedly and quietly closed the door behind him.


	6. Chapter 04: Opening the door

**Opening the Door**

**26/12/1999**

Late on Boxing Day morning Severus was in his lab in the cellar and saw to the potions that needed brewing, his advanced beautiful painkiller most of all. He agreed with Hermione's notion of its looks - it was the soft silvery and ever moving glitter in it that added to the otherworldly appearance of the otherwise clear ice-blue-colored potion. Right now, the mixture had to ripe undisturbed for exactly four hours so he finished the salve for her scars. He hadn't really seen them all back then in the manor, but knew at least that most of the ones on her front resulted from both cutting and whipping curses. He hoped that this was true for the ones on her back too and that the difference in pain quality Hermione had referred to last night was really only explicable by the intense contact with filth. This would ease the search for an adequate treatment to ease her suffering. However, he would need differentiated information on the sensation of it.

She should have finished her morning routine by now, he mused, set a reminder to the hourglass and made his way up the stairs into the kitchen to get some breakfast done. Feeling the chill immediately on entering the living room with two nearly steaming bowls of cinnamon-spiced porridge, he turned to see Hermione on the snowy terrace, door wide open. After having placed the bowls on the coffee tables next to each armchair, he headed outside suddenly overwhelmed by uneasiness at the sight of her motionless form. Calm down, he reminded himself, no need to add another sight to the worry-list. He came to stand behind her.

"Planning another lie-in?"

With her arms folded, Hermione winced slightly at his voice, but kept facing the opposite direction while one hand quickly wiped away the tearstains. "Bow out on a high, they say," she stated plainly.

At that something snapped in Severus. He stepped forward and grabbing her shoulder, he turned her around and pulled her hard to his chest. "That's no laughing matter and your comment is totally misplaced," he reprimanded strictly. Hermione was startled at his unexpected physical reaction and even more so by the surprising contradictory feelings his violent hug accompanied by his harsh tone evoked. Instinctively returning his embrace, she pressed her cheek to his chest when swallowing a sob.

"I'm sorry. You're right, of course. I didn't mean to perturb you," she tried to soothe. Severus felt exposed at her words since they verbalized what he had only just defined for himself and showed that his reaction had betrayed him. He now saw his concern proven that he wouldn't be able to let go once having allowed himself to open up to her.

"Seeing that my perturbation is a result of your attitude, it seems recommendable to see to that - for your sake," he snapped tartly.

Hermione bit back her comment on how unwise it was to empower the actions of others to determine one's emotions since her role-model qualities regarding this were obviously highly questionable. Moreover, his embrace was heartfelt and betrayed his words, proving an emotional turmoil in him that she somehow hadn't expected to see the dawn. He kept amazing her.

"Inside. Now," he suddenly commanded into her hair and immediately shoved her through the door. He flicked one armchair closer to the fire and gestured her to sit down there all the while handing her one of the bowls.

"Bon appétit."

"Bon appétit," she answered before they both ate in silence. Hermione recognized relieved that despite the current awkwardness between them, the overall atmosphere was still one of hospitality instead of rejection. And she knew that feeling in a house. Thus, after having forbidden the spark of angst of having it taken away too soon, to become a flame, she was able to indulge in the moment; in being here, in his reassuring company. Her thoughts trailed off. She secretly watched Severus sitting in the second armchair like before in his quarters back at Hogwarts. He made a determined impression, what for, she had no idea. Again Hermione enjoyed the comparably casual sight of him, his slender figure in his signature black dress pants and white button-down shirt, albeit with rolled-up sleeves. He looked good, not in terms of beauty, but healthy and strong. Life in the light seemed to do him good, she mused and next to the tinge of jealousy was a heartfelt joy for him, who deserved this most of all. There was a sudden impulse in Hermione to feel him close again. His physical proximity was somewhat addictive as it bore an honesty she would never have him credited for and least of all towards her. Of course she knew that she was starved for contact, but she'd always been picky regarding it and had never been someone for hugging everyone she called by their given name, even less initiating it. No, she used to like him before and an impulse to offer him reassuring contact wasn't news to her. Once she nearly had impulsively hugged him goodbye after having had a nice chat over tea after a brewing session. His lab, store- and classroom would be shiny till today for all the months of detentions this impulse would have gotten her into, Hermione mused and absently smiled at that.

When Severus cleared his throat, she gathered herself and focused on the here and now. He had enjoyed having witnessed her genuine absent smile, but rather than picking up on it, he reminded himself of the fact of her changing from suicidal to mental relaxation within mere minutes and focused on business at hand and that was talking.

"Let's talk," he said. Hermione bit her lower lip and nodded. Her hands wanted to fidget so she put her tea cup onto the coffee table.

Talk. Yes. Merlin, this must be the feeling of being unprepared in the face of an oral she ever had wanted to have and right now she exactly knew why. It was intimidating to face something one wasn't up to. Her fidgeting grew worse.

"I- I don't know how," she admitted. "I mean, where to start, what to tell."

"How about anything that helps me understand last night's events? Ideally everything to draw a full picture of your circumstances," he explained gently.

Hermione stared away from him and nodded faintly.

"Hmm-. I thought everything that had happened through so often, I tried to look at it from different perspectives so often that I at some point got the feeling that I might just be overreacting-, or being too sensitive. So- well, I'm not sure whether it is justified to bring that all up or if it is just whining, because I'm pitying myself. I fail to see the distinction, you know?! My perspective is a bit narrow and thus my judgment on this is tainted. And least of all I want to complain to you of all people, since it's due to you that I survived the unsurviveable and to accidentally hint that I had rather chosen death over life-," her voice left her. She folded her arms and looked at the floor between them.

"Let me make this perfectly clear: you say, what you need to say and certainly don't have to worry about any effect it might have on me. This is about looking at you in your entirety and not about evaluating your judgmental qualities and sensitivity. I think you should and need to share what tears you apart. Alright?" he asked.

All of a sudden Hermione was overpowered by the urge for his physical closeness and since she knew curling up in his lap without being in a state of utter despair was highly inappropriate, she moved to sit on the floor with her back to his armchair all the while leaning sideways against his right leg. Please don't pull away, she silently begged.

This flabbergasted Severus and although he felt slightly disturbed by this arrangement, he leaned his leg against her, enjoying this act of trust after what had just happened outside and whatever it was that made her do this.

"Shall we move to the sofa?" he asked quietly and feeling slightly relieved when she shook her head.

"You know-, I had a promising future prospect once. But then my world started to shatter. Not in the war, not at the Manor, but when I left hospital afterwards. The know-it-all learned the hard way that she in fact wasn't one. I got thrown into the real world and was supposed to act all adult and simply failed." She sighed. "Merlin, it is self pity. I was so young-"

"You're twenty now. That's as young as adults come," he snorted slightly bemused.

"Granted! Apart from looks, I'm still not quite beyond my prime." she said, the amusement audible in her voice. "But I feel kind of old, too experienced with things no one should ever consider themselves experienced in, but in everyday life? I was completely lost. I mean it's ridiculous, but ever since the war has ended, I feel like a 16-year old mimicking an adult, always hoping to get it right. Whatever it may be and whatever right might mean. I was totally okay at school, but then there was living on the run in a tent for a year with Harry, Ron and a Horcrux, which drove us slowly insane. Ron more so since he had a family to care for. Harry and I were better off in this regard, which was the wrong way round-. Then there was the kidnapping in the woods. And of course Bellatrix wanted to know how we got the sword of Gryffindor. And who would waste a pureblood, if there was a mudblood to torture? What a party starring the mudblood princess of Gryffindor. And didn't Voldemort know how to throw a party?" she huffed. "I calculated a rather precise 213 hours. When conscious I repetitively recalled the names of everyone I loved to anchor me in life. He wanted Harry, thought we were a couple. And so I screamed for him-, for my alleged lover, which was as freeing as was hoping Harry would actually never come. Well, it did the trick and retrospectively seen Voldemort was a bit oatfishly on an interpersonal level, although being totally focused on his victory, he never credited the other side the same dedication" she grinned strangely, "the same went for Lucius Malfoy, who also believed me to be a safe bet for a Harry Potter free-house delivery."

She winced shortly at whatever horror she visualized in that moment and rested her cheek at his knee, closing her eyes and simply breathed. Severus went for grounding her by putting his hand onto her shoulder and stroking it smoothly with his thumb. Opening her eyes again, she sighed.

"Draco should have been awarded with an Oscar for his performance- you know the Muggle film award." He hummed in confirmation being astonished to hear her use his given name. "Without him, I wouldn't have made it that long. I- I hope he's healing. He must be suffering; this had unlikely left him unscathed, no matter what he said." In need of more contact, Hermione nuzzled closer to his knee. Her gaze then turned to something not to be found inside the room.

When Severus was sure that she would not add anything, he bent down to her head, were his hand still touched her hair.

"Hermione?" When she tilted her head slightly back to lock eyes with him, he continued, "What is it Draco did?"

"Don't you know?" she asked in disbelief. Severus shook his head slightly, suddenly frightened to scare her into silence. She looked past him into a distance beyond his experience. "I cannot make this clear without telling certain details, but I can't do that, not yet." She suddenly looked him intently in the eyes. "The details are crucial to see his actions as the heroic thing they were and not as the detestable ones as which they appear at first sight. You do understand that, I know. I heard you talking there."

He nodded, holding her gaze and trying not to let his imagination run wild on what the boy had done that was unspeakably horrible, saving and worth forgiving at the same time. This was sickening him for the sake of them both.

"Is Draco alright? And I don't mean alright like surviving."

Severus faintly shrugged. "Hard to say- he refuses contact. But regarding the information you just didn't give, I assume he's very likely not thriving," he admitted thoughtfully.

"You need to see to him then! He- he wouldn't have me. I tried at the beginning of the year, but he threw me out using an impressive range of insults. Well, that mudblood-traitor vocabulary is no longer en vogue and he surely had made an effort of educating himself further," she half-smiled again. At that, he arched his eyebrow to his signature scowl, as did she with an added touch of expectancy.

Mirroring me. Nice shot, Granger, he thought. "I will," he said out loud while trying to grasp that she had gone to see to Draco.

With a small nod, she lowered her head back onto his thigh and Severus now rested his hand on top of it, caressing slowly. Without knowing, they both indulged in the reassurance of their mutually offered proximity.

After a minute Severus found his low voice. "There is more to tell, I'm sure."

Hermione simply continued. "After I had left the hospital, I was haunted by nightmares, often flashbacks and panic attacks during the day and Crucio-related aftermath, which hardly allowed me to follow anything but a very simple, yet strictly-structured life. And I so desperately wanted my parents back, but that turned out to be disastrous. After I had revealed to them what I had done, there was no way for them to trust me anymore. To their mind I was able and willing to do to them whatever I wished, while making sure they'll never know about it. I had believed they would at least have some understanding in the face of a censured version of what I had been through-. You know, in terms of what probable fate I had tried to prevent them from. But we were beyond speaking terms and I was beyond forgiveness, they made that very clear. I knew already that I had it coming, but I—I was so alone," Hermione took a deep sobering breath, but her tears spilled over anyway, "I had done what I had believed necessary to save them after they had refused to hide willingly. Now they are safe and healthy-, they are a family without me, but with a new daughter, their jobs and home are restored and- and I know they don't really hate me, they just can't have me in their life anymore and that's it." She cried, but took the handkerchief Severus offered her. He swallowed his own discomfort.

"You're so brave," he conceded when she dried her tears.

"That bloody torture aftermath had made me want being mothered. And the rest of life had shown me that I had been in need of some general guidance. Because I had and still have somehow no idea about the plain things of an adult life: How to get an affordable flat, insurances and stuff. I mean Hogwarts doesn't really focus on that-. I had been lost in both worlds-. To sum it up: My coping strategies had run thin and so I moved in with the Weasley clan. At that point, I desperately longed for somewhere to belong and they had always been fond of me and had already given Harry a real home-."

She had to shake away the thought of him. He was actually the one, she missed most of all her friends and whose exclusion hurt most of all.

"It was a bit shocking there-, they were collectively so absorbed in their grief. And I was just there, preparing meals and tea and trying to maintain a simple structure to life for me and them. Ron and I had turned to each other during our Horcrux hunt and he thought we could just go on, but I couldn't get physical at all. In fact I couldn't stand any human touch at all. I still have problems with that."

She didn't see it, but Severus gaze showed surprise and awe at the realization of how much physical closeness they have had since yesterday and even had right now and how it obviously soothed her.

"I knew he wouldn't have understood since back then nobody but the healers had known about the gang rape part and no one had dared asking such a thing likely fearing the answer. I- I mean I had already been half naked under Dolohov when they fled and they stood and watched for a moment-, I still see them staring in horror through the unbreakable bubble," she trailed off, "and I still hear me ask Dolohov, if he didn't know how to proceed." She breathed hard, because what the man had done then together with the four bystanders had nearly cost her life. So much pain and blood in so little time and they had constantly woken her from unconsciousness to make sure she would not miss a thing. After that had been the only time during her captivity that she had been relieved for having survived. From then on there had only been desperation that death would not come.

"You saved their lives with your distraction," Severus whispered hoarsely and interrupted her thoughts.

Yes, she had. For all she had known they had been wandless when they had left the dungeon and thus had to flee by feet from a horde of Death Eaters. Had she known about Dobby she would have provoked the monsters a little less.

Her voice broke slightly. "They've never asked me what had happened after they had left-. I got Ron off my back by showing him my scared belly. He's very much the visual type when it comes to women," Severus rolled his eyes at that, idiot boy, "It worked wonders. Then the trials arrived and when all the glorious details had been brought onto the table, everything proceeded very fast. The Weasleys were shocked by the details of my captivity and on the second day, one after the other started to avoid looking at me. They were disgusted," she stopped shortly.

Severus hoarsely weighed-in, "They just didn't know how to deal with the horror."

Hermione shook her head. "They definitely were disgusted. I overheard some conversations when I sat on the stairs in the dark after a fight with Ron in the late hours of the same day and they just couldn't wrap their head around the range of the gang rape scenario."

"Fight?" Severus asked unbelievingly. If there ever was a moron whom he would expect to start a fight after such a day, it would be the youngest Weasley son, but astonishingly enough he had given even him more credit than this.

"Harry and Ron both felt betrayed by me for not having told them the whole story. Ron was downright reproachful right after we arrived at the Burrow and picked a quarrel about my trust issues with him although we had been something like a couple. The next day it became clear that I had unintentionally arranged for Fred's death and that I-, ahem, had interacted for some time," she breathed deeply, "Then there was no more coping for Molly and Ron. They suddenly freaked out during the trial. Ron called me a hooker and then Molly asked if Fred's life hadn't been worth some more whoring for I must have enjoyed it, otherwise I surely would have preferred dying. She called me a discreditable bitch, Ron called me a Death-Eater whore and then they all left and menaced me in front of everyone to never return to the Burrow. And Harry just stared blankly and then walked away with them. Well, and that was it. I was back in my tent and was scared that being named death-eater whore by my closest friends might not have been hitting rock bottom yet," Hermione sobbed and looked at Severus, who did not even try to hide his shock about what she had just said. He had only been in court for his testimony and missed the show.

"To be honest, I wanted to contact you, I was despaired enough, but when I asked Minerva for your whereabouts, I had to learn that she had adopted their attitude as well so I never managed to form my question in the first place, but was told that there are things one doesn't do, not even to survive and that my behavior was dishonorable," her voice trailed off, but she caught herself again, "They just don't see that even in Voldemort's hands dying was not easily managed. It wasn't for me to decide for death and I just wanted some- rape-only moments instead of being beaten or cursed to a pulp every time. It hurt so much, the broken bones and the open flesh, when they took me," she suddenly swallowed bile, "I just wanted less pain."

She felt his hand tighten around the hair in her neck and heard his voice quiet in her ear, "I know all that. I see your sacrifice. More so your behavior was deeply human and mustn't be judged from the outside. You saved Potter the Great and the others by sacrificing your body and soul and there is nothing undignified or dishonorable to it. Quite the contrary," Severus said insistently.

"Fred died because of me,"

"No, he didn't. They killed him. It's-, "

"I named-,"

"Look at me," he ordered gently and when she did, he continued, "You are not to blame for anything, Hermione. Hadn't it been for you, chances are not too bad, Voldemort would have succeeded. Although oblivious to the fact, he had had Potter disarmed in a dungeon already and you showed incredible presence of mind and selflessness even under torture. Honestly, it's unbelievable you didn't serve them everyone including Grimmauld Place on a silvery platter-,"

Tears streamed down her cheeks, while she searched his eyes for traces of a lie.

"They asked the wrong questions. Didn't know about the Order," she grinned slightly, "Severus, I have always wanted to thank you for your testimony in court, but no chance presented itself. Thank you, Severus," she said softly.

He simply nodded with his jaws clenched. He seriously felt like hunting those nitwits down. "Well, in the following weeks the wizarding world had been told by the Prophet how the supposed war heroine had betrayed her friends by becoming a Death-Eater whore and that she even got one killed and then ruthlessly parked herself in the home of her victims and that her ruthlessness had been proven in the way she had acted on her parents - heroine, whore, outcast - the awkward moment when you realize that having been called a whore had indeed not been hitting rock bottom," she snorted at her comment, "I obviously wasn't welcome in the bright new world. No education to survive in the Muggle world and only a realistic chance to finish it in this one. So, I gathered my bravery and returned for my last year to finish my studies and then take a leave – of course provided that I would survive my stay." She once again turned a bit to look at the frozen man behind her.

"But since a corpse in Gryffindor Tower is always trouble Minerva had granted me separate quarters to calm the concerned Prophet-believing parents, who hid at home during the war and didn't like the idea of a pervert known for collateral damage to live amongst their innocent children. Even you may have underestimated me so far, I'm morally even more intimidating than-," Hermione stopped herself just in time.

"-Ex-Death Eaters," he completed her sentence and she squeezed his shank lightly. He had serious problems to process that the most prominent defenders of the good side had collectively let down this brave woman, who had enforced unimaginable torture to ensure their Golden Boy and his brainless shit of a friend to flee and survive their kidnapping and had even made her life a misery after the war.

"However, I love my quarters to pieces and they are handy in terms of living through panic attacks and seizures and that's really a relief-. Talking about Minerva, I've wondered sometimes if you are all still meeting as the Order. I mean, does it still exist?" she asked, changing the topic out of the blue.

Severus cleared his throat. "They do. My duty was done and since I have no socializing ambitions, I gave them my regards," he plainly said, processing that she really had no contact with anything regarding her former life. Even he had. He hadn't paid attention, but should have pursued staying up to date with Minerva's alarming attitude towards her.

Hermione simply nodded at his input. She still needed to get the part regarding Severus out. Having the chance to tell all of it to a real person and not only aloud to herself, felt liberating to some extent, but she feared his reaction on this part somehow. He tended towards suddenly inconsistent behavior, after all. Her face came back to rest at his knee, she wouldn't be able to face him, when talking about him.

"Then there was y- Severus-," following a spontaneous intuition, she decided to go for third-person address. "The feared professor I have mentally called by his given name ever since we had brewed together. Sometimes he had let me see behind his mask and so I came to like him. He is also the one who saved my life. I remember him to have been at the party twice. Well, only his voice, but the familiarity in it instantly made me cry with relief, which I feel partly ashamed of, because one reason was vanity: I was relieved that someone good had at least witnessed what happened to me. The suffering felt less lonely then. I don't know if that is understandable. But there were less selfish reasons, too. I knew then that his cover hadn't been blown yet. That at least I hadn't betrayed it so far. I wasn't sure about anything anymore." Her voice trailed off.

"Merlin, my eyes wanted to search him so much and I forced them close so tightly that it hurt. That may seem like such a minor feeling, but I remember it because by then, I couldn't distinguish anymore where to my body the pain was inflicted, but this hurting I could feel right there in my eyes-. I wanted so badly to just glimpse at a reminder of a life that I increasingly had forgotten how to hold on to. Sometimes it had felt like a mere imagination. But then I sure as hell couldn't have stopped myself from pleading looks. And I knew that helping me was beyond his control and that it would also be predestined to spoil his role of the perfect Death-Eater persona," she was interrupted by Severus, who settled down beside her and hugged her to him, head resting on hers, his too controlled breathing betraying his turmoil, but he kept silent. Encouraged by this, Hermione simply continued, "he so convincingly incarnated. He implicitly promised to take me back home once I had died. And- and while I still think that it was my appearance, which even repelled death from taking me, Severus had indeed kept this promise. I still remember him talking to me gently -," Hermione breathed deeply, gathering strength, "But after that- he has never had a nice word for me again," she said in a quivering whisper.

He tensed up at her last sentence and her tone. The agony it carried made him literally sick. He had realized last night that he had his part in her downfall and his words during yesterday's breakfast had very surely pushed her over the edge. Ever since she had returned to school, he should have looked out for her more, or at all, but he had been busy triggering her and controlling his own sentimental tolerance towards her since their shared lab time.

Merlin, she was right. She had been just a girl then and when he had seen her again for the first time, about a year after the trial, her decay had been obvious. Nevertheless, instead of going for pampering he had decided for challenging her, and in an aggressive way. Prototypical misjudgment. Intuitively, he turned a bit, encircled her from behind with both arms now and pulled her closer to his chest. She leaned fully against him, hands in her lap, head beneath his collarbone, breathing deeply.

"In court, he had assigned me to invisibility and then I knew his former tolerance of me had vanished, though I wasn't able to grasp why. But he had, all the while, convincingly pled in favor of me, which was confusing, but made me imagine him to be at least somehow on my side-. And then, on my return to school, my invisibility had vanished again. I- I found myself on the receiving end of his nasty sarcasm, mocking and- rejection. Before the term, I had hoped to become visible to him again and maybe even have some basic civil conversations. But then, when I was back in his classroom and unexpectedly a case of be careful what you wish for, he didn't even seem to sympathize enough to keep ignoring me." Hermione stifled a sob and Severus wanted to say something, but she cut him off and brought her left hand to rest on his right lower arm that encircled her chest, feeling his unexpectedly warm skin. "Please let me finish. I'll surrender to your go afterwards." She needed to get it out, needed him to hear her truth. And her bravery for this faded fast, knowing that Severus' withdrawal from her wouldn't be too far out of his possible range of reaction.

"It- well, it was unbearable to suffer more open contempt and even distaste from him, because- my troubled mind couldn't bring the man, who had tolerated and defended me before, in line with the man, who distasted of me so-, ahem, generously and openly-. I think, I was just grasping straws by imagining to have at least a silent confidant in him. Like one of those that you know are there, even when never related to-. To sum it up: Pain, rejection, despair, defeat and finally- snow-bathing, because continuing to breathe had meanwhile grown rather impolite."

At this Severus unintentionally inhaled sharply and Hermione used the interruption to clear her throat. She was used to monologues, but not this long and it strained her vocal cords. They'd never recovered fully after the party, but then nothing of her really had.

"However, last night things with Severus turned 180 degrees again and- and I just don't know why, and I'm so bloody scared of his change and even more so of if or when it's going to change back again. If it is, I- I- ahem, no- why Severus? Why are you different now?" she sniveled the question and then gave in to her sorrow, tears flowing freely now and as she started to tremble slightly, he couldn't restrain any longer and gave-in to intuition by shoving his left arm under her cocked knees and pulling her into his lap. Hermione slung her arms around his neck and rested her face at its base so he could feel her hot breath against his skin. Hermione sobbed at this gesture and he started to cradle her smoothly. There was a soothing in it, which was hard to explain, but appreciated beyond measure.

Gods, Severus knew he had motivated her to let it all out and he gathered that this was only the short version. There were much more details to it. He appreciated her idea of a third-person address; the distance this created eased things. He could only guess what she must feel like, besides vulnerable, to be in his arms while admitting that he had made her life unexpectedly even more miserable, while she trusted and, obviously, even liked him. He was suddenly frightened that she could, any second now, realize how weird it was to let said man comfort her and would let go. He knew he had to answer now, but he was taken aback, his job in distancing himself from the man she talked about hadn't been awfully successful.

"Just a minute please," he said hoarsely.

She lifted her head off his neck to look at him and he inwardly startled, "Please stay." A mere whisper.

Please, twice! That slightly shocked her. Hermione encircled her arms reassuringly around him and let her cheek down onto his chest, inhaling his scent of soil after rain. Severus tension subsided slightly and he put a hand to her face, brushing some curls away and holding her face close to him while absently caressing her temple. While Hermione realized how much she enjoyed this very intimate situation, the dark man started speaking.

"I'm very sure the man hopes he is not beyond forgiveness for what he did and for what he did not do. And if he were a stronger man, he'd even apologize, but maybe he just needs to do some more growing before. But he surely is sorry. He had only realized last night how he had misjudged her situation. He had overestimated her coping abilities. Her survival had been a wonder and only possible due to great strength, both physical and mental. He had been shattered by her state back then and devastated for being unable to help. The sight never left him and her hoarse begging to be killed-, there are nights with visions of her and his failure to help. A year later back at school he saw her state—I saw your state, your decay. I had to make a decision for the road to follow and- well, I've never been one for grey, so it was a decision for either black or white. And I went for triggering your fighting spirit full force rather than pampering you, which was easier for me since- since it meant not having to face my guilt, but to distance me from it- and you. I wanted you to live not just survive, but I saw you'd have to fight for it-. I intended to be- helpful." Severus recognized that he had let himself go somehow, guilt overriding his defenses in this emotionally overcharged situation.

It took a couple of seconds, but then he felt her tense up and eased his embrace a little and Hermione pushed herself away and came to stare at him in disbelief. "Wait! You-! You just prove for hours that you are more than capable of reading and reacting empathically to extreme emotional upheaval. And despite being aware of my decay, you went for triggering my inner Gryffindor lioness? And not just a bit, no, you went the whole hog! Despite being able to do very differently and having recognized that I was dashed to the ground, you decided to keep kicking me and added to my life being a living hell on purpose?" she nearly yelled the last part of her sentence. "How?" she asked unbelievingly. Then she struggled herself free, got up and headed for the door, picking up her coat.

Severus followed her and also came to stand in the hall.

"Where do you think, you-," was as far as he got before being interrupted by a furious Hermione.

"No bloody way, Severus! Stop that patronizing tone this instant. You know that I'm thankful for what you're doing since last night, but after what you just told me- I- I mean- How? I mean on purpose and despite seeing! How?" She took a deep breath to calm down the urge of punching him, her inner lioness had been woken. "Okay," she closed her eyes, "I really need some fresh air now and I'm going out for that. And don't believe for one second that right now you are in any position to dictate anything to me," she clarified determinedly and without yelling before she turned around, coat in hand.

"Don't do anything-" he tried, suddenly frightened, but was interrupted by Hermione, who turned back to him once more, left hand on the door knob. Disbelieving outrage written all over her face.

"Really now? Since you finally managed to trigger the lioness and her immanent killer instinct, better pray she won't shift her focus to the one, who poked her. Good Lord!" Not waiting for another reaction, she went through the door, slamming it shut. This was the second time in only one day.

.o.O.o.

Hermione was surprised to find the front door opening for her automatically. On her way back, she had remembered that she depended on Severus to let her in. Chances were that he either wouldn't since she had pissed him off or that he would since he didn't want her freezing to death. She simply couldn't tell anything for sure anymore. Now she knew the motive for his harsh behavior. Interestingly she was indeed able to follow his line of thought and although it was so genuinely him, it was certainly also worth being considered a very new level of Snapeishness. However, she was sure about his sincerity regarding his deep concern about her, especially since he had completely given up his highly-valued privacy in favor of implicit and patient closeness and that he took responsibility for her as a matter of course instead of delegating it. Not even his usual indifference had returned once, rendering his whole demeanor authentic. However, since she meanwhile also knew his temper, she had prepared for the possibly negative reaction her eruption might have caused: Thanking him for his support and hospitality before wishing him nice holidays and further preparing herself for the next encounter in class to a hopefully only indifferent Potions master.

Since it was his house, she went to search him to let him know she was back, but he was neither upstairs nor on the ground floor, so she expected him to be in the lab in the cellar. She wouldn't intrude there, but wait for him to return.

Hermione stayed in the kitchen and pulled out the sandpaper and oil she had spontaneously bought in an old local craftsman shop some streets in northern direction. She had been looked at somewhat suspiciously, surely because all other clients had been in their seventies and had been born within spitting distance. But she had greeted them all and complimented the familiarity of such small shops and how they add character to a neighborhood. They had even held the door open for her on her way out.

She pulled the dining table into the middle of the room. Yes, she had a soft spot for the old table. It felt like home and strangely reminded her of Severus. Examining the direction of the wood grain intently with eyes and hands, Hermione started to gently sandpaper the surface by soothingly regular strokes with one hand, while feeling the smoothness of the swarf with the other. This was satisfying to some degree. Suddenly she felt a gaze on her and realized that Severus had come upstairs, sneaky spy mode obviously activated. She locked eyes with him.

"Since last night I'm totally intrigued by your table. I couldn't find you, so I went for overstepping boundaries and getting started. I'll hex it back instantly if you disapprove," she stated.

"You're intrigued by my table." He stepped closer, holding her intent gaze.

"I am. It looks like it has had quite a life so far, having served its duty without having been taken care of, but it has nevertheless proven its solidity. Granted, there are blemishes visible on the surface and some of them might go deeper than others, but here, in the right light, it's easy to see that underneath it is still more than decent. And will be steadily so when being seen to adequately. It's important to do it with finesse and take your time for it. And while doing so, to feel every so often if the pressure is balanced and make sure to adapt to the requirements of the different stains."

She hoped he would somehow catch her meaning and offered him some sandpaper. "Four eyes see more and four hands feel more. It's easier to work on something like this together-. To optimize the result by syntonizing strategies based on shared experience on the changes." Her right hand slid through the swarf, feeling its softness.

"Of the table," he added slowly, eyes never leaving her face, while he took the sandpaper. Hermione turned her face back to Severus and her eyes again locked with his.

"Of the table," she verified "obviously."

There it was, her tone. Right now he wasn't sure if he had ever known a student more Slytherin than this Gryffindor. This was very likely the most twisted metaphorical talk anyone had ever offered him, let alone to explain in a sub-subtext that he was seen, accepted and offered supportive friendship to, well, to reveal the real him. Irritatingly this also implied being forgiven, by the woman, who just stormed out of his house for understandable reasons.

Severus simply started to sandpaper.

"With the grain, long and regular strokes," she advised with a reassuring smile. How could she be able to react to his addled personality so well? He wasn't even tempted to decline her offer, he realized with surprise.

"Abe must have been awed to have you in his shop," Severus said "Did he try to keep you?"

Hermione laughed at that. "I understood he was an institution around here, but I honestly didn't expect your acquaintance to be mutual-. No, he kept questioning me and insisted to have his son carry my errands home. I beat him down to simply opening the door for me," Hermione said amused.

"What else did you bring?" Severus wondered.

"Nothing heavy, no, just some bubblegum the Snape-boy used to adore-, his words, not mine," Hermione chuckled and at his dumbfounded face she had to laugh again. Turning around to the plastic bag, she snatched the bubblegum and put it on the table. "I'd be careful though, it appears to be past its prime- for at least 25 years or so. Maybe you were the only kid adoring it and these are the leftovers from your cute old times," she teased all the while hoping he would be up for it.

Severus chuckled at that. "Abe remembers me. I can't believe it."

"Oh, better do! I'm convinced he is some kind of novel crossbreed: half Pensieve and half crystal ball, wrapped in human form. He did an impressive Holmesian job of deducing where I was staying by recalling general knowledge of dialects as well as restoration habits, hobbies, talents, kinships and their respective education, or lack of for that matter, of about a hundred neighbors or so. Then he subsumed my host is either you, the chemistry professor from a posh German university, or a seventy-something woman with an indefinable bunch of parrots, who doesn't speak to anyone. Since I didn't appear to be the birdie-type and don't have feathers anywhere, Abe - as I'm privileged to call him now - clarified that I'm supposed to give you his regards and the bubblegum."

In his relief about her return and forgiveness Severus couldn't help but burst into a heartfelt laughter about her story. Hermione startled a bit at the strange sound, but joined in and enjoyed the sensation of witnessing him lighthearted immensely.


	7. Chapter 05: A squire in distress

**05 A squire in distress**

**27 December 1999, late afternoon**

On finishing stock-taking of their provisions in the kitchen in the evening and being pleased that a trip to another local and probably also socially exhausting store could easily be postponed to tomorrow or even the day after, Hermione heard Severus talk in the living room with apparently feigned joy. On slowly entering, she saw that he floo-called with Minerva back at Hogwarts. They must have recognized his absence then.

"The wards informed me that Miss Granger was in the castle, but left at the same time you did. Do you happen to know anything about it, Severus?" she asked mildly interested. "Remus as Head of House should at least know about the whereabouts of his students."

"She's here with me."

"Severus, what's the meaning of this?" Minerva enquired.

"There was no twisted subtext to stumble over, Minerva. Are you done questioning me? I'd like to return to my reading."

"Severus, stop pretending that this was to be expected given your—depreciative attitude towards the girl."

"I have no intention pretending anything. Not even normality regarding _your _sudden interest in her. And I haven't recognized _you _to suddenly be above _said _attitude," he growled at her.

Minerva seemed to be speechless and Severus oppressed the sneer that wanted to show at the sight of her indignation.

"I trust she is listening. May we step through, Severus? I think Remus would appreciate talking to _his _charge shortly," Minerva said, obviously fighting for self-restraint.

_His charge?_ Hermione couldn't believe her ears. When exactly had she started to rank again? Severus turned around and shot her a questioning look. He had obviously expected her to be listening. She nodded slightly, her face impassive. She saw him wave his wand at her before lifting the wards off the hearth. Some seconds later both headmistress and Head of Gryffindor House stepped through the fireplace into Severus' living room.

"Thank you," Minerva stiffly said, looking around the room, which seemed to differ from her expectations. Well, Hermione knew that feeling as – funnily enough – also did the landlord.

"Good evening, Severus. Thank you for allowing our spontaneous intrusion," Remus greeted politely. "Hermione, it's good to see you."

At that she raised her eyebrow, eager to show her incredulity.

"Good evening, Remus, Professor," she plainly reacted.

"We just wanted to know if you are alright," Minerva said, her eyes coming to rest on her.

"Thank you," Hermione offered, while processing Minerva's sentence, but being interrupted by Remus.

"Hermione, are you wearing a glamour," Remus asked watching her intently. She remembered his wand-waving at her so thanks to Severus' fast reaction on their arrival, she did. With a little pride she congratulated herself for obviously really having perfected her advanced one, otherwise he wouldn't be wondering now.

Only the greetings had been exchanged and she already had enough of their charade: _'Good to see you. '...see if you are alright,'_ she mentally rolled her eyes. Severus and she have had very intense and intimate two days of trustful emotional turmoil with talking, admitting, freaking-out, crying, soothing and reassuring, which was even more exhausting since they both hadn't expected to ever do that with one another. And Minerva's and Remus' hypocrisy was nothing she could muster the nerve for, especially not since they intruded into their much needed calming process, probably right before the next round of sorting things out.

She looked at Severus, but his face was blank, deliberately so, she mused. He seemed to be fighting to retain a minimum of social acceptability at their intrusion. He was likely much too private for such escapades. Once again, she recognized in awe that her animal spirits were indeed back. He had managed that, almost magically, and she started to really get annoyed on Severus' behalf, too.

Looking back at Remus, she said matter-of-factly: "Severus put the glamour on me before you came." Satisfied that Remus shot her glances of slight alarm, she went on. "Since my core is weak, I cannot tamper with it."

The other two teachers meanwhile simply looked confused. So much for interest in her well-being on Minerva's side, she thought ironically. Now, _that_ was fun!

"And why would he do that," Remus asked deliberately slowly, while Minerva looked at Severus, who stood next to her, but didn't seem intended to participate in the conversation.

"To hide what's beneath. I asked him to do it, because I feel uncomfortable showing my _badges of resistance_ to others," she said cautiously and was proud of not grinning at their confusion regarding the obvious subtext. But she just couldn't resist, this was too good a chance to miss, "What brought you here?"

"We were confused about your unannounced short presence at the castle and here," Minerva gestured vaguely around, "and wanted to see if everything is fine."

At that Hermione let herself go. "Merlin, look at him," she exclaimed gesturing towards Severus and they indeed did. "He is obviously fine. I haven't killed him yet and chances are high, you'll start with a fully intact potions master into the new term. I promise to behave myself. No more collateral damage due to my—impulses."

All three teachers now starred at her. Even Severus was flabbergasted, but he recognized the sarcasm and couldn't deny liking her approach to their questionable motives. It was brutal and fun. She had obviously come to the same conclusion regarding their motives as he had. _Merlin, she was fast on the uptake_, Severus acknowledged inwardly. Hermione fought to remain impassive.

"That was not what I meant, I wanted to know if you were-," was as far as Remus came before being interrupted by Hermione, "—still alive?"

"Yes, uh, no!" He glanced at Severus. "If you were—okay here. I mean, it's not that you and Severus were on polite speaking terms, rather the contrary, so we were concerned-," Remus verbally stumbled. _Concerned about him killing me, though not out of concern about me, _Hermione thought bitterly.

"Hmm, you know-," she tilted her head contemplatively, "I wonder if all Hogwart's staff is having paperwork issues," she asked, just like to herself. Severus had schooled his face back to impassiveness.

"Come again," Remus insisted and Minerva appeared to be close to losing patience at all.

"The paperwork that is required in case one of your students dies on your watch. Severus, I came to know, despises paperwork of this kind and regarding your unexpected concern, this is the only logical explanation for me, too. You both knew and actively contributed to my pariah state. You Remus knew how everyone and especially how Professor McGonagall has treated me. You have recognized my decay, but not even bothered to seek me out and at least once ask about my well-being," Hermione raised her hand towards Remus in a silencing gesture, when he wanted to start speaking, "Even after the burning hex incident in October it took three days of my absence from public life until you checked if I was still alive. And even then you didn't ask about my condition-," she looked at Severus, who had inhaled sharply while his eyes betrayed incredulity. So he hadn't known about that.

"But now that you came to know I was with Severus, the former Death Eater and the one teacher with first-hand murder experience, while you are the two professors officially in charge of me in the first and second instance, you are suddenly interested in my well-being? Uh! Sorry, but well-being is clearly exaggerating it, I think I definitely just established that. Let's say, you're interested in my _not dying_. Well-, why is that, I wonder? I assume you happened to have read the school rules lately, which state that you even _are_ in charge of students of age. And now you're worried why the dubious and hateful Potions master brought me here. Surely I _wouldn't_ have come of my own free will. And you need to check if you could do anything against being held responsible in case he is going to snap and break my neck."

She was finally interrupted by the so far speechless headmistress, whose face was the same scarlet color as the Christmas balls on Hermione's tree behind her.

"Miss Granger this is absolutely uncalled-for. We are here for you..." she yelled, but was interrupted by her student.

"Hypocritical bollocks. You are here, _most mildly_ put, out of confusion about the turn of events. And now you are trying to get the picture straight. I trust you're recalling Severus' past, which is very likely one of the reasons that brought you here. But rest assured, should he get tempted poisoning me, and I trust that would be the method of choice, I'd end up a case of body nowhere to be found, so you could easily spread the word of me having dropped out of school legally compliant and having returned to the Muggle world without further notice. See? No excessive tedious paperwork for any of you three! And simply due to Severus being wise and patient enough not having had his go at me during classes, which surely must have been tempting, and even being contemplative enough to pick a time to kidnap me when there were no witnesses around."

"Hermione Jean Granger, are you completely out of your mind? How dare you take that tone with us and insinuate such abominable motives," Minerva shouted at her with rage, the men simply starring at her. Remus, she recognized, looked oddly contemplative, but that Severus' eyes betrayed some kind of awe, Hermione didn't know since she'd decided not to look at him anymore. For the second time of another too long day, she needed to speak her truth, no matter the consequences. And she wondered, even while speaking, if it was possible to be expelled for insulting two of Hogwarts' staff on duty during holidays and outside school.

"How? Well, quite easily to be honest. And I thought I just made clear why that is no hardship for me. You never showed any positive interest in me, quite the contrary. It's only two months ago that you changed the terms of detentions after disarming me for no reason and then kept withholding my wand from me, an adult witch, under threat of expulsion. And then you made me scrub the purposefully arranged mess of other students away on my hands and knees with the whole school watching. According to my moral understanding such public humiliation and demonstration of superiority over a student by taking me at my disadvantage undoubtedly count as abominable motives. Thus, where I'm concerned, they are not just insinuated." Hermione had to force herself to keep calm with a deep breath. "And surely is elevating your behavior towards me over Severus' brazen. When unable to ignore me, your looks told me off for my rudeness to be alive after all, wasting your time and oxygen and I'm still impressed how you managed to imply into nearly everything that you simply thought me lacking even the minimum of decency to go somewhere else. No matter the sacrifice I made to ensure the order still had Harry at their disposal to win the final battle. Your heads still work like in the bad old times, we had wanted to overcome: It's just black and white by random definitions. That's why people, who had to be, what they were not and to do, what they were not made for, cannot be seen holistically by you and are always doubtfully and vigilantly watched — Severus and I do share some experience in that regard-. _No_, I haven't finished yet. _You listen now_! You came here after all with dubious reasons and pretended to want a chat with me to _see if I were alright and if everything was fine_. And I think I am just offering one on exactly that topic and I'd appreciate finishing it. _So-._ Whatever horrible ideas you came up with regarding a possible scenario in this house and the resulting discomfort for you, rest assured, I trust Severus with my life _and_ implicitly so. He saved the lives of us students, and mine in particular more than twice now. So let there be a range of inept cruelty on the list of possible concern regarding him, but homicide certainly is _not_ and so far he has been nothing but downright decent, understanding and helpful," Hermione finished, hoping her voice hadn't betrayed her growing discomposure. She hoped there wouldn't be a panic attack now, but so far it looked like her mind could do far better with this productive emotional strain. Nice to know.

There was a screaming silence filling the room since she had finished her monologue. Minerva had her fists clenched and very obviously struggled to remain her self-control. She turned to look at Severus.

"Why is she here with you, Severus? And I don't want a subterfuge but an answer," Minerva demanded tightly.

The answer to this question was what Hermione had feared. She had exasperated them both now, which was not her basic concern as a human, but as a student it was, since Remus and Minerva were officially in charge of her. If Severus told them now about the scope of her suicidal tendencies, they would directly send her to a psychiatric clinic being glad about the perfect excuse for not having to put up further with her and even getting her out of the wizarding world. Hermione winced inwardly at their advantage of killing two birds with one stone. But what disturbed her nearly more was the fact that they would know and possibly spread the news about how they had collectively und successfully broken her. The recent happenings indicated that there would be a general tendency towards relief or even joy. Well, neither of it was hers to change and she tried to fill herself with an attitude of self-composure to shield herself for whatever was going to come. Merlin, only now she recognized how much she wanted to stay here with Severus. Hermione kept telling herself firmly that leaving now would be with fine memories and a not so dramatic bow-out on a high.

"I also came to enjoy an insight into what is going on inside her head on numerous topics surrounding the last twenty months. Consider yourself lucky that she decided to reason with you. Our encounter was a little more—_intense_—on more than one level. But it was Christmas Day after all, so the merry gentleman in me assigned detentions for the rest of her school career in favor of a complete point loss for your House, Remus. You may like to hear that Miss Granger wholeheartedly agreed to that, after she had regained her composure. Thus, our whereabouts boil down to cling together, swing together," he finished nonchalantly.

Hermione was now rendered speechless by his Slytherin mind: He had not lied about the events by making something up, but by omission and a very vague summary. Her face was about to betray her and she started to tremble slightly, looking down at some nondescript place on the ground, she folded her arms to stop from shaking and hoped no one would want her to talk right now.

"Are you implying she is serving detentions now and here?" Remus asked puzzled.

"Not now. Here-, yes, plus catching up leeway. You really didn't see to her, Lupin, did you? However, as you are aware, I'm taking my detention administration seriously, and I'm not going to waste her potions-brewing talent when I can do with assistance." He smiled inwardly at that as he knew, Hermione must have gotten the hint and he hoped this would relax her a bit. Merlin, he wanted to throw them out, how dare they questioning him and in his house above all? But since Hermione took her stand, and entertainingly so, he had decided to be as tolerating as possible for another ten minutes.

"You could have done this at school, Severus-," Remus said in a tone indicating base motives.

Or less than ten minutes. This was enough now for Severus. He bolted upright to his full size, his whole demeanor suddenly murderous.

"I'm going to say this once: Refrain from such implication and from using that tone with me! Furthermore, be informed that thick-skinned doesn't suit you, Lupin. So better take the hints from Miss Granger and me. We both fancied a change of scenery and she took me up on my offer. This is as far as explanations go as none of us owe you one on our respective holiday plans. And consider yourself lucky to have gotten any at all, hadn't it been for Miss Granger's urge to word her thoughts, I would have ended this the second you accused me of planning to murder a student, and not even Potter for that matter. This is where any justification on my actions and conversation ends. You may leave now."

Minerva remained silent, while Remus faced the younger woman.

"Hermione, may I have another word with you? In private, please," Remus asked and then turned to Severus, "And then we'll be gone, I promise."

"For your or my comfort," she asked plainly.

"Mine, mainly," he admitted and glanced at Severus with obvious unease, who in turn swept towards the kitchen.

"I offer you three minutes of privacy since a potion needs attention. After that it's Miss Granger's decision," he snarled.

"Well, use them, I should say," Hermione offered.

Suddenly Minerva regained her composure.

"I insist that you finally refrain from your disrespectful attitude. You are talking to your Head of House," she shot.

But Remus silenced her with a wave of his hand and took a step towards Hermione. "I didn't prepare a speech and am lost for eloquence right now. I admit you do have your point and I'd appreciate to talk with you about it all and apologize to you for my attitude. Profoundly so. Hermione, should you want to go somewhere else, because this", he gestured at the room, "doesn't suit you anymore, you may make use of my flat. You'll have it at your disposal for the remainder of the break."

Hermione was confused by his words and that he sounded irritatingly sincere and polite. Where was this coming from? Had they talked some sense into him? Triggered some spontaneous self-reflection skills? This was interesting and, although she didn't want it to be, a good feeling. She locked eyes with him and nodded. "I appreciate that, thank you Remus," she managed, "but right now I am really fine here."

"You do look like it! But he had hurt you before-, even before we did. You do know how nasty he can get. And I can see that he is totally different towards you now and I am positively surprised," Remus stopped at Severus' sudden return, but gathered himself and went on, "but I am also unsure for reasons and duration. With your magic drained, this could become dangerous," he ended, visibly uncomfortable.

Gazing from one man to the other, Hermione processed his words to decide what way of answering felt right. It was getting tiresome, Minerva was obviously appalled by Remus' concerned approach and Severus was smart enough to gather that Remus had talked about him and his disputable and inconsistent personality.

"I do have problems understanding why you are suddenly concerned about me, but apart from the thoughts I shared about that before, I can't ignore a confusing sensation of authenticity, strangely alike to the one I also felt at Severus' changed attitude. It's unexpectedly nice and yet feels authentic. I don't know about your reasons for your display of antipathy before and I have right now no intention to find out, _but_ I _strongly_ _insist_ that you refrain from judging Severus in this regard in front of me. His behavior had never been single-leveled and shallow. And you know that! I ensure you, he came up with a convincing explanation for his behavior or change of, respectively. _No don't look at me like that!_ Try to take my meaning! It is _Severus _we are talking about. Nothing is ever simple with him and about him. And the explanation he offered, is as twisted and Snapeish as they come and he is certainly the only one I can forgive this. Trust me, no one else would have gotten away with it and li—and smile. But to Severus the usual rules don't apply. I came to accept that," she finished firmly.

Remus just looked at her and seemed to process her meaning.

"He's not smiling," Remus offered disarmingly and Hermione shortly evaluated if she wanted to join in to his appeasement strategy.

"He will be, as soon as he came up with a detention task annoying enough to create an expression on my face that will make up for what he had to endure tonight by listening to the emotional crab I said about him," Hermione took Remus up on his offer to lighten the mood. Looking at Severus with a twinkle, she saw his lips twitch slightly. The only one still stern was Minerva, standing stock-still at the fireplace.

"So, my offer is on. You may use my flat, I won't bother you, or you could come back to Hogwarts with us. I'd arrange your detentions as well until the term starts again. And I'd also think of something useful," Remus offered.

"I appreciate that, Remus, thank you," Hermione said honestly. "But I'd rather stay here," she now locked eyes with Severus, "if you'd let me, that is-," she half-asked with wide eyes.

Severus was confused by this. Apart from the fact that he had somehow feared – regarding her mental state and some minor jealousy in him – she would take Remus up on his offer, he also thought that he had made it obvious she was welcome here. _Gryffindors_, he mentally rolled his eyes, _always need the obvious to be stated._

Severus held her gaze. "I would appreciate your presence at least until the _table issue_ you brought up would be reasonably cleared."

Calculating, Hermione tilted her head. "That is a—very special case, which needs finesse, patience and likely just a lot of time. I wouldn't hold out too much hope for even having it finished before the summer," she mused aloud.

"Thank Merlin, I had the wards recognize you," Severus said, locking eyes with her again.

Minerva stood still as a rock with a tight but otherwise impassive face, while Remus' face clearly showed his recognition of a subtext to this conversation, the meaning of which he didn't access. But he saw that Hermione and Severus seemed to do as they both immediately appeared to be more content. Hermione read his Slytherin way of assuring her she was welcome, even something like anytime and was relieved by the flicker of relief in his eyes, when she confessed, she wanted to stay no matter the other offers and made the effort to ensure him about their disguised project.

"Very well, good night to you. You may contact me anytime, Hermione. And-, ahem, I hope you'll offer me the chance to explain myself and apologize one day," Remus humbly said.

"We'll have a chance. Good night, Remus-, Professor," she curtly added, while the three teachers simply stuck to glances, Minerva's more than displeased. Then the two Gryffindors were gone.

.o.O.o.

Hermione folded her arms, she felt like throwing up. She needed rest, no more emotional upheaval for some time, but a day at least and she needed to tell Severus that and if necessary hide in bed. It simply was too much and she just settled into the sofa behind her. Severus wordlessly retreated into the kitchen and soon came back with tea and scones and settled down next her, handing her a cup.

"Thank you."

They sat in silence for some minutes and she intently examined the tea cup in her hands.

"And thank you for the brilliant summary of our _intense encounter_. I'm glad they don't get to bathe in the success of their bashing and that you didn't hand me over to them."

"So that's what you expected to happen?" he asked irritated and turned to look at Hermione, who kept staring at her mug.

"No. No-, not really. But I'm Remus' duty after all and now that they are back at school—well, you indicated before that—well, nothing. I'm just so drained, my emotions are cut loose, I may just have gotten myself expelled and my judgment is cloudy. Never mind," she trailed off.

"Expecting me to read your mind to come up with something calming, huh? Lucky you that I can live up to that credit, though we need to clear your view on general Slytherin abilities-," he stopped when she turned to look at him.0 "I offered it as a loophole for your reassurance to not being stuck with me for longer than needed, since I had forced my presence on you. As for the expulsion: it's holidays, we're not at school and this was an interpersonal matter detached from school. If Minerva is able to handle it as such remains to be seen, so better sidestep her where ever possible, but at least Lupin has obviously changed his loyalties."

She gave a restrained smile and really fancied physical reassurance.

"I'm aware that you must be exhausted, even I am. No more forcing our grueling conversations for some time from my side. I trust opportunities will offer themselves and we'll make use of them. _But_, for my peace of mind, I need to straighten something now," Severus said determined and rested his eyes on her, seeing how she bit her lower lip before turning towards him. Hermione nodded and he turned on the sofa to fully face her. "Should you get tempted again to have a lie-in, there needs to be clarity regarding the subsequent step."

"I know. You'll send me to Park House," Hermione said seriously.

"Wha-? No!" Severus nearly shouted. "Merlin, woman! I won't hand you over to the impersonal atmosphere of a hospital crowned by patient-manacling staff. Or to Remus or Minerva either."

Her eyes brimmed with sudden tears. Severus moved closer and shortly squeezed her hand.

"If you ever get tempted again, and I don't care if it were _every_ bloody day, you will let me know, so I can see to you." He smoothed away her falling tears. "No explanation, just a code word-. _Snow_ seems fitting," he added gently and Hermione was glad that his impassiveness had gone.

"I promise to bother you anytime necessary," she whispered and this time it was his turn to nod relieved. At the sight of this something suddenly clicked. "You really are _okay_ with having me here," she said amazed as if to herself.

His lips twitched. "Recall the last eight years and tell me why else you would be here-, crazy _Gryffindor_?"

Hermione smiled warmly at the older man and was truly touched by his relaxed and content appearance.

Not wanting to leave the cozy living room yet, Hermione settled back to the floor in front of the fireplace where her books were piled now, due to the intruders before. She rearranged some of them at least to get back to the tasks Severus had given her.

When her back started to protest against the bent position, she leaned back against the solidity of the armchair, pressed the book she just read to her chest and closed her eyes. What a shame that tiredness would overwhelm her soon. The books of Severus' personal library were great and this was the best detention task and atmosphere ever and she didn't want to postpone any of it till tomorrow. And the latter grew even better, when Severus' fingers started to absently fiddle with some of her curls that lay on his arm-rest. She remained motionless so not to startle him and smiled at the thought that Severus surely wasn't aware of _what_ he did.

"Are you asleep?" he asked, his hand suddenly stopping its movement.

"Just very relaxed and wondering if Remus has finished justifying his weakness in approach to Minerva, yet. They gave a strange performance," she answered while watching the small, but still dancing flames.

Severus snorted slightly. "_They_ did? _You_ defended _me_," he said amused. "I wonder, when exactly I became confusable with a damsel in distress," he inquired half seriously.

"Don't be ridiculous. You are a man by any definition, so a _squire _in distress, rather." She smiled cheekily. "And better don't overestimate yourself. I was pissed on behalf of us both. They wrapped two howling insults in a single social-concern-feigning question and expected us to fall for it. How impudent to insult our intelligence like this, tsk-," she said airily indignant. "I appreciate that you let me do the honors," she added.

After a moment of confusion about what to feel on _everything_ Hermione had just said, Severus started to chuckle genuinely amused, "My pleasure. Feigning indifference was a tough job."

Hermione joined-in before both were returning to their books, hers now resting on her cocked legs. Severus couldn't remember when, or if at all, he ever had felt the presence of another person this relaxing. Shortly after, his fingers returned to fiddling with her hair, probably unconsciously as Hermione mused and they both enjoyed their intimate and silent sit-in.


	8. Chapter 06: Self-forgiveness abilities

**06 Self-forgiveness abilities**

**29 December 1999**

"What did the Granger-cow tell you?" Draco spat at Severus, who had the guts to intrude into his home without notification and even made himself at home in one of the armchairs without invitation.

"Nothing to work with. She said you should have been awarded for what you did, but that it had surely cost you. And I now see it did and you still seem to be paying."

"I told that stupid chit to leave me alone. And the same goes for you, Severus. I am fine and I'm not interested in talking about anything with you and surely not about anything that had happened during her stay- in the Manor."

"You decided to move-in here completely? It feels more homely than the Manor, doesn't it, Draco?" Severus asked, looking around the room. It was a nice pool house, probably the size of his. Large windows surrounded the ground floor, offering a beautiful view into the garden of the Manor. Or so they would, had the heavy curtains be open. Draco had managed to create an atmosphere of dark- and hopelessness. So far Severus wasn't sure if the young man was aware of it or if this slipped his mind. With a wave of his wand the curtains moved aside and one door opened widely to let some fresh wintry air flood the room. Draco was unimpressed and remained motionless in his armchair. In the daylight his overly pale face even seemed to glow.

"When have you been outside for the last time?" the older man asked concerned.

"Oh, come on. Spare me any feigned concern. I have no intention talking to you. I tell you I am fine and enjoying my peaceful life. I trust you wouldn't want to be late for lunch. Goodbye, professor."

"I'm in no hurry and able to tell the time. So there's no need to be concerned about punctuality on my behalf. Tea?"

"I cannot remember to have offered, but I _do_ remember assuring you, I was fine and wanted you to leave about half a minute ago. Unbelievable that I have to become obvious with you of all people. Are you spending too much time in the presence of Gryffindors lately?" Draco mocked now.

"You have no idea! And yes, they are rubbing off indeed" Severus smiled inwardly. "I'll get tea ready and we can have a nice little chat over it then."

"Severus! I'm really-"

"-Fine. I know," Severus interrupted. "Because everything you say four times in four minutes is obviously true. I wonder why I'm not convinced, especially considering the cheerful atmosphere of your- cave."

Severus assessed Draco vigilantly. He looked sick and defeated and seemed to have chosen to bury himself alive. Merlin, what had the war, or rather the party in Hermione's and Draco's cases, done to those kids that had once been so full of life? It had broken himself on many levels, but he had been a slave to both sides and two masters for decades. It was deeply perturbing that nine days of perversion had been enough to profoundly and sustainably break these two young and once immensely self-confident souls.

Draco, still in his armchair, glowered at the staring older man, who was completely unimpressed. And as it dawned on Severus that this was not due to his own sense of magical superiority, but because Draco opposite of him simply was a shadow of the young man with the haughty demeanor he used to be, he decided to fully spring into action. Once more so in only one week.

.o.O.o.

"You were right convincing me to seek him out. Draco is not well. He won't talk about it. Would you join us?"

"Because I volunteered so eagerly to share what had happened and he finally and desperately wants us to reunite to sort it all out over some cake and tea?" she asked, irritated at Severus' very direct approach. Draco's condition obviously had impressed him. And negatively so.

Severus was taken aback by her sarcasm and came to stand next to her.

"He needs to see you. The _you_ that has forgiven him. Rest assured, he'll neither be pleased to see you nor faking to be. But he has buried himself alive in his pool house and maybe confronting him with your presence could weaken his attitude," he explained plainly, while Hermione kept starring at her book trying to evaluate her feelings on this.

"I would need you to stay-, I mean to help me since I might be indisposed to returning on my own should a panic attack be triggered. You understood that you might not like what you'll hear, right? Although we both know that you are aware of the rough direction of the happenings, you mustn't forget that the devil's in the details," Hermione stated matter-of-factly and shot him a questioning look.

Taking a seat next to her, Severus brushed his lank hair out of his face and breathed out audibly.

"I wasn't thinking properly. Compared to Christmas, you now seem so balanced and strong. Of course I know you couldn't talk about it. I didn't mean to shanghai you into an anxiety-inducing situation. We'll do it the way you consider best for you. I'll find one with Draco anyway," he ensured her emphatically.

Hermione got up and went to the terrace door. The snow was melting and the terrace had become one large puddle. _'Balanced and strong,'_ it echoed in her mind. Maybe, but surely only due to Severus' calming presence. However _he_ managed to maintain that. His observation was correct though. She was much better, but since much worse hadn't really been possible, this didn't really allow drawing reliable conclusions of her overall condition.

"Does he know about your plan? I mean that you're fetching me?" she finally asked.

"He has been informed," Severus offered.

At that Hermione snorted. "And I trust the kettle has just boiled, huh?"

"You were right about the insults," he carefully answered and Hermione smiled at his Slytherin answer. She had come to enjoy them.

"Lovely. Far be it from me to refuse a chance to educate myself further- in any area. Shall we?"

She had insisted on Apparating into Malfoy Manor. This was unproblematic since Severus was still recognized by the wards from the earlier days of close friendship with Lucius and Narcissa. Draco would very likely join them as soon as the wards in the pool house would have informed him about unannounced visitors.

"Which way to the drawing room?" she asked when they appeared in the entrance hall. Severus felt uneasy and especially so because Hermione seemed so unaffectedly determined since he had asked her to come along.

"This way."

He took the lead and she followed his pace and accepted his offering gesture and entered the room first and without hesitation - it was all or nothing. If she started to let everything sink in, she'd bolt immediately. But she wanted to see it. In the minute she had decided to see Draco, she knew she wanted to see this again, for a last time and without the monsters. Like some kind of confrontation therapy that Muggles do, which are supposed to help coming to terms with things or, which was more likely in this case, rather simply trigger the trauma and thus proving not helpful at all, since this visit wasn't led by a professional. However, she had wanted to give-in to her sudden urge anyway.

Severus saw her walking inside the room and looking around. It wasn't too different from 18 months ago. Clean though. He wondered what she was doing repetitively starring at the ceiling while moving further into the room. He tried to find what she might be searching for, but was puzzled. On returning his gaze to Hermione, he immediately felt like vomiting and had to steady himself at the chaise longue next to him. She lay on the floor, exactly where she had lain during the party.

Goodness, she had used the paintings on the ceiling as an orientation to find the spot where she had been fixated. Unable to bear the sight, he turned his back on her and by doing so saw Draco entering with his wand in his hand.

"Merlin, it's you. You really returned! Couldn't you have come back to the pool house? This is rather rude, Severus," he snarled at him. "What's the matter? You look sick."

At recognizing a movement in the middle of the room, his gaze fell on Hermione on the floor and Draco was about to lose it, but suddenly his body betrayed him, his knees buckled and he sank to the floor. Both men acknowledged their respective reaction to the sight of her. Draco literally swallowed bile and wanted to slap her more than anything else.

"Granger-, have you lost your mind, you insane chit?" he asked in a furor under his breath.

Severus had pulled himself together slightly and silenced him with a calming gesture.

"Hermione, get up, would you? At least as long as we're in the room, too," he said firmly, glad that his voice was only slightly betraying the real extension of his upheaval. Now he was even grateful for having seen her in the snowy garden as that had toughened him a bit for seeing her on the floor, anew and here of all places. _Damn the insane chit!_

She sat up and watched both of them. Draco was pale enough to make Severus' skin-color appear healthy, his eyes hollow and darkly circled. He suffered. And Hermione suddenly came to the realization that she might not be able to do this. Whatever _this_ really was. Merlin, she had even failed herself. Hermione and Draco got back to their feet simultaneously. He still had his wand ready and glowered at her.

"Draco, put your wand away this instant or I'll store it for the remainder of our stay," Severus commanded and after a short moment he complied.

"Insane chit? I've expected more creativity from you. You've clearly spoiled me during my last visit," Hermione said with feigned indignation and moved towards him until there were only about two meters between them.

"I reckon I owe his intrusion to you?" He nodded towards Severus.

"And not a day too late after what I've been told- and can see myself," she countered, holding his gaze.

"I told you to refrain from any contact out of whatever kind of concern. I am fine and willingly enjoying some peace and quiet after all the turbulences that filled our childhood. I'd appreciate if you'd leave now. And for good," Draco snarled, the dismissal in his voice obvious.

Severus was increasingly lost for patience. "Be so kind and use your brain! I gathered this was not your focus lately, but try at least, would you? Then inwardly take a step back and observe the small parts of your life we've witnessed so far and then it should become crystal-clear to you that us leaving is not an option." He was very close to fall into full teacher mode.

Hermione had turned her gaze to Severus, who stood nearly next to a currently speechless Draco and starred him down. She could tell that he was not only impatient but concerned, although not knowing about what in particular or at most. She spontaneously decided to go for brutal confrontation before the useless verbal battle would get out of control in their stupid power play.

Without further ado Hermione audibly zipped her sweat jacket open revealing a low-cut shirt. When both men turned to look at her, she took a deep breath and lifted her glamour. Both men were visibly shocked. If possible at all, Draco even lost more color and grimaced, while Severus, who hadn't seen any of her bodily scars so far, turned to stony-faced. Knowing and seeing were two very different things. Now that they were attentive, she pulled her shirt a bit deeper making her cleavage visible. Severus had restored his brain activity and promptly shifted his gaze to her face, but she remembered herself that this was about Draco and thus she focused her gaze on the younger man.

"Remember this one?" she asked, pointing on the dark purple scar that, as far as visible, crawled from her left breast via her cleavage to her right and all the way up to her neck. "In St-Mungo's they said that whoever treated it, ensured I wouldn't bear an open wound for the rest of my life," she added as Draco simply kept starring at her in horror, obviously remembering any of the occasions he had touched her. She was slightly concerned he might faint out. Severus had meanwhile decided to look at said scar. All of a sudden, Draco raised his wand and waved her jacket close again. Hermione didn't so much as flinch, but Severus immediately Accioed Draco's wand.

"Don't you dare _ever again_ to only lift your wand against her," he growled menacingly.

"It's alright, Severus. Draco won't harm me," Hermione wanted to calm him.

"Forgive me for not sharing your implicit trust in obviously _every _former Death Eater," he said snidely while storing the wand in a hidden pocket of his coat. She clearly had too-much-trust issues, he thought annoyed.

Hermione was able to read his condition: he really struggled for self-restraint. She shot Severus a warning look, but bit back a comment in favor of making a mental note of elaborating on that implicit-trust topic one day. This was getting worse. Her thoughts were interrupted by Draco.

"What are you now, Severus? My surrogate father? Needing to take appropriate measures as the little boy might not comply?" Draco mocked, but mental overstraining was written all over his face.

"Someone should be and I've had enough for now. I've watched you growing up and since there is no one else around, I'll be what you need me to be – by _my _perception. Have I made myself clear, Draco?" he patronizingly asked the now furious, but still puzzled young man with the clenched fists.

Hermione cleared her throat to change the topic back.

"In fact, Draco, hadn't it been for your performance every day, I wouldn't have survived. Your cleaning saved me."

Draco snorted and shook his head.

"Looking at you makes me wonder why you approve of having survived. It must be ever so pleasing to look into the mirror every day and see _this_," he snidely commented and gestured at her upper body.

_Charming_, she thought, while silencing Severus with a gesture of her hand. She decided not to fall for the insult.

"Don't be ridiculous, I only possess so much vanity and still don't manage to look into a mirror _every _day," she countered. "I'm not a masochist. Although you might have gotten the impression from all the _happy-cries_ during my special treatment here in this room. And, yeah, also from my refusal of using the bathroom for a couple of days in favor of uninterrupted lounging on your floor to ensure I wouldn't miss a chance for someone offering to satisfy my masochistic desires. And you were indeed a downright disappointment regarding this! Just all soft and not seeing my real inner needs- Yet, I acknowledge your good will for trying to keep me decent during the time. I had obviously lost my common sense, so that was very thoughtful of you. I trust-," Hermione's sarcastic mocking was interrupted by Draco.

"I _raped_ you for Merlin's sake," he suddenly shouted at her, agony in his voice.

Hermione immediately looked left to Severus, who processed it for a second before his face betrayed his utter shock. He had gone pale. Well, paler. _What was it with those two and their skin color? Slytherin House should reside into dorms with windows and daylight_, she mused, but reminded herself to focus on business at hand. And that was Draco, who looked very boyish now with his fists clenched and jaws pressed together, obviously struggling for countenance.

"That's not only your preferred way to look at it, but the only one, I take it?" she asked bluntly.

"I raped you _five_ times," he continued.

She took a step towards him. "Draco-, I have never perceived it as that. Not once. You couldn't bear my miserable condition and came up with a way to ease my suffering. Your horror and disgust at my sight had been real, though not for being me or a mudblood, but for what I had been done to. I knew it then and still do now. You cleaned me and let me drink and buoyed me up. Told me he-," Hermione nodded at Severus, "was still in play and to be strong. You somehow knew and kept Severus' secret because you wanted him to succeed. You were- you are a good guy."

"I fucked you Granger, while fixated-"

"And you surely only managed it thanks to a potion, because you loathed it. But did it anyway, because it was the only way to secretly treat my wounds and feed me water." She turned to address Severus, who looked slightly less murderous now.

"He gave a snobbish aristocrat performance that truly lived up to the Malfoy name," Hermione explained in an easy voice. "He pretended wanting to show me my place, but of course didn't intend to "_catch his death of filth"_ by doing so. Thus, he cleaned me before springing into action. And secretly also saw to my wounds, just so much that no one would notice, once a day."

Hermione looked back to Draco. "Thus, may a mirror be ashamed of having to reflect me, I still know, I'd be far worse off, hadn't it been for you."

Severus nearly winced at that and wanted to snap Draco's neck for having brought that up in the first place. Not that Severus himself was above such statements, but regarding her, he wasn't only healed from it, but also unable to tolerate them on her behalf.

"I forced myself on you-," Draco started again unable to let go.

"As considerate and careful as the circumstances allowed and-," she inhaled deeply, not sure if she wanted to share what she was about to share "and I-," she exhaled sharply "I enjoyed the warmth of your cheek at mine and your whisper in my ear," she winced and fought back the tremble in her voice. "Despite our history, you repetitively and deliberately had done something good that already back then had cost you highly and that you still pay for today. That is a most noble trait of character, Draco. If there had ever been anything to forgive, which I doubt, then consider it forgiven. And now focus on forgiving yourself. And not for the alleged crime you believe to have committed, but for not having recognized your actions as the blessing in disguise they were for me. And then for Merlin's sake _return to living_. Come back to Hogwarts, get your degree or do whatever, but stop wasting your talent and life entombed alone in a darkened pool house!"

.o.O.o.

Both men remained mainly motionless. While Draco seemed to process her words, Severus seemed to be completely petrified, simply starring at the floor in front of her. Her knowledge of his emotional and empathic side woke an urge to hug him close. Suddenly Draco's vision became focused and he locked eyes with her.

"You went back to Hogwarts again?" he asked hoarsely and cleared his throat. Well_, that was unexpected_, Hermione thought, but then again maybe not so much since this had certainly been the most innocuous part of her speech. _Nice loop-hole, Malfoy_.

"I did. And being of age has its advantages over there. You should contemplate it," she said invitingly.

"I take it that lacking distractions a proper enemy offers in contrast to the war-heroine admirers, renders school life a tad boring, huh?" he smirked, looking like the young snotty boy he once was.

"Hmm, I wouldn't consider myself lacking proper enemies, but I certainly wouldn't mind a- well-disposed one," she answered with a twinkle. "I shall leave you two to it now. And preferably before Severus' ability to speak also returns and I'll unavoidably find myself on the receiving end of the immanent presumption of two Slytherins. I can only take so much of that, you know?" she teased and hoped the atmosphere between the two men would stay more lightly than it had been before.

Finally, also Severus mien had turned from stony to surprised, Hermione asserted satisfied and she took out her wand to Apparate back on her own. Her core, she knew, would manage that. The darker man meanwhile watched her intently and closed the distance between them.

"Will you be okay on your own until tonight?" he asked quietly.

"Certainly. As long as I know you guys are trusting your intuition rather than egos," she looked at them both, "and are willing to openly acknowledge them as what they are," she over-pronounced the last part of the sentence, before adding, "_Mummy_ leaves now to have an undisturbed and uninhibited orgy with a whole shelf of unsupervised books. Laters," she greeted with heartwarming tone and smile and disappeared with a plop.

.o.O.o. **Home** .o.O.o.

"Shush. Hermione wake up." His hand rested on her shoulder, tugging slightly.

She slapped his hand away. "No, no, nooo! Don't touch me. Not again. Please. I'm hurting, please, I'm hurting so much. Leave me alone." She was sweaty. Severus smoothed some clammy hair from her forehead and she trembled. "Hermione, it's me, Severus. Everything is alright, you're safe. No one's going to hurt you."

"Seve- Professor? You're back? Am I dead now? Can you bring me home?" Her too shiny eyes found him.

"You are alive and safe. Look at me." He took her clammy hand in his and brought it to his chin to rest it on their folded hands. She looked at that. Eyes widening in shock, she sat up a bit. "Why am I free? You must fixate me again! They'll have no mercy, when they find you here being nice. You must be safe for the war-" she wildly said and fell back on the sheet with an agonized expression.

Severus was oddly touched by her concern. "No one is going to hurt you- or me, either. It's just you and me here. I have a something to drink for you. Come on, I'll help you."

She looked at the vial, but turned away. "No, I mustn't drink water. They don't allow water, only- " she retched and then sobbed heartbreakingly. Severus felt literally sick too now at the suppressed memory of what she had to drink instead. He decided to change the direction of his approach. "I'm in charge today. It's a potion and just one gulp," he said deliberately strict, holding it to her mouth. Her eyes flew open with alarm, which worsened the grip on his stomach, but she swallowed it fast before closing her eyes again.

"I'll be right back." He went to get a wet cloth from the bathroom next door. He could have Accioed it, but needed to pour some water into his face and give his stomach the chance to settle. On his return, Severus sat back down next to her and wiped her face gently with the cloth. She smiled faintly and her eyes opened "Dad-, dad, you still love me-," She turned her head to search his face and focused him. "You- you're not my dad," she stated with utter confusion.

"No, Hermione. It's me, Severus. Your professor, remember?"

"Professor Snape? Where- where is your mask?" The expression in her eyes changed from confusion to imploration. "Can you ask them to stop awhile," she whispered desperately and wide-eyed, "or just kill me quickly?"

He hoped his voice wouldn't shake. "Hermione, it's all over. You were very brave and now you are free. No one is here to hurt you."

She closed her eyes again, nodding and starting to cry to herself. Severus prayed for the potion to fully start working soon and absently wiped her forehead again. At the touch of the cool cloth, her eyes opened again and she examined him intently. Suddenly, her eyes widened at a discovery.

"You left me. You- you hate me."

Merlin, the pain of his breaking heart must have shown in his eyes. It was unbearable to witness how deep this agony was buried inside her. He didn't know what she referred to: having left her at the party or having left her _alone_ back in school - either way was hard to bear.

"Hermione, I do not hate you! Look at me," he commanded gently, "I'm back now- I took you with me and you're safe with me here at home," he ensured her, hoping his answer was both, vague enough _and_ fitting.

She looked puzzled now. "Home? I don't have a home. They kicked me out-, they _all_ kicked me out" she sobbed and he reached out to caress her cheek. Severus was also surprised by having said _home_.

"I know, but this is my house and you're home here for now. Look around. It's your bedroom." She did and after having travelled the room, her gaze halted on him, with more clarity in it now. Unexpectedly Hermione bolted upright next to him. "Severus?" she asked surprised.

"Yes," he smiled encouragingly.

Suddenly breathing very hard, Hermione let her head fall to his chest.

"Please don't leave," she nearly begged under her breath. Severus shoved her gently, but firmly back onto the mattress and lay down next to her trembling form. She instantly moved into him.

"I'm staying. Don't worry," he soothed and after hesitating shortly cuddled her up. That removed some of Hermione's tension and her head came to rest heavily on his chest. Severus buried his nose into her hair. Well, it was impossible to escape that mess. Smelling her shampoo and feeling her now calm breathing, he relaxed, stroked her back absently and tried not to think too deeply about what he had just witnessed. There'd be time for it tomorrow. Instead he made a mental list of potions to teach her during detentions and of everything she needed to catch up with due to her general output decline, but it became increasingly hard to stay awake.

"Home?" Hermione quietly asked.

"Home." A mere confirmation, but deep inside she understood, which let her drift off into peaceful sleep.

.o.O.o.

_Bloody hell, I fell asleep in her bed,_ Severus thought when he recognized in which bedroom he was. When disentangling from her, she woke up, too.

"Go back to sleep, it's still very early," he whispered and she closed her eyes again.

Having managed to fall asleep again in his bed, Severus got up around nine and after a refreshing shower he found her in the kitchen at her beloved table. She shoved a mug of steaming coffee towards him.

"Good morning," she smiled reservedly.

"Thank you. Slept well?" Severus sat down opposite her.

"I did. You?"

"Too. Though in an unexpected place," he answered considered.

And Hermione asked herself if he was indeed checking how she felt about him having fallen asleep while looking after her. In the middle of the night, very likely. "It helped me a lot. I take it, I was very crazy then?"

"Depends on the frame of reference."

"By all means, apply the Gryffindor standard to at least not pull me completely to pieces," she asked.

"Then you were practically purring in your sleep," he said with a slight grin.

"That bad, huh?"

"Can you not remember?"

"Well, no. I have different kinds of nightmares. This- purring kind, I cannot remember. I know I have them, because I sometimes find myself waking up in strange positions, on the floor or having bruises or stuff-"

"It was- alarming."

"I'm sorry. I forgot to Muffliato the bedroom."

Severus eyebrows shot up.

"And you'll refrain from doing so in the future! You needed supervision and a calming potion. And don't even think of arguing with me. Take an academic perspective and be awed by the chance of monitoring these incidents regarding frequency, intensity and duration and putting them in proportion to your general health, panic attack frequency and intensity, emotional state- I trust you're getting my point,"

"I do, sir"

He rolled his eyes at her.

"Severus?" she asked "What was it like. I mean, what happened?"

After having contemplated the pros and cons, he came to the decision that she didn't only have the right but also needed to know what was going on.

"Don't you remember _anything_?

"Home," she stated and he nodded contently "and- did I really beg you to stay?"

"Asked, rather, you were confused," he sipped from his coffee. "Well- it strongly resembled a feverish delirium, without the fever. You talked and answered to me, but you mainly labored under the delusion of being at the _party_. Calling me professor, wondering where my mask was, asking for- help. Then you did also confuse me with your father. From my perspective, it appeared that you pretty much lived through everything that remains unsolved inside you albeit very convincingly stuck in it." His voice betrayed his distress.

"What did you not tell me?"

"I cannot say. I know you have the right to know. You may look at it."

"How? Do you have a Pensieve here?"

"No. I'd shove last night into the focus and let you Legilimens me. I'd Occlude the rest so no boundaries can be crossed. This might be helpful anyway to give you a visual impression of your state."

This took her by surprise and she couldn't hide it. Nodding she looked from her hands into his eyes. "I'd appreciate that offer. Thank you."

"Okay, then let's get it over with now. I cannot tell how long the offer will be on the table. Ready?"

"Are you already?"

"I'm a pro. I'm always ready," he snorted clearly uncomfortable "go ahead." And that she did, smiling thankfully at him she locked eyes with him. He let her see the whole situation. The woman in the bed looked ill: sweaty and agitated, eyes too shiny and unfocused, the scars oddly prominent in her very pale face, which extremely added to the overall resemblance with a Stephen-King horror scenario. She couldn't help but being impressed that Severus hadn't run and hidden. No one would have known. It was vanity but it was a hard job for her to accept this was her looks. The more she was awed by the maintained gentleness of his approach. She was glad, she had chosen a t-shirt _and _pants as pajama. Then the unspeakable vision hit her: She had begged him to help her and had accused him of having left her alone and of hating her. She could feel his emotions flickering through now and they showed that this had directly hit home with Severus. Hermione, however, immediately knew it wasn't about the party. It was about their new teacher-student relationship. He likely had interpreted it wrongly, expectably so since this was his main source of unforgivable guilt, his weak spot while hers was the rejection afterwards. Hermione got distracted by another emotion that flickered through in the moment in which he breathed-in her hair. She knew it. She'd felt the same before and her heart melted when she heard him say "home." She carefully retreated from his mind.

"Thank you so much, Severus," she warmly smiled at him. He simply nodded and got up to help himself to some more coffee.

"I didn't have a panic attack or seizures, but it was straining yesterday. Well, the Manor itself was. I think my mind found itself another outlet. And, ahem, you were right, I would say. It was about some of the things that remain unsolved in my heart. Some fear is rooted very deeply and needs further reassurance to subside. Coming to think about it, only my friends, or- well you know, ahem, they were not covered," Hermione contemplated.

"Draco's part was not included either," Severus demurred.

"Hmm, why ever would Draco be? He's forgiven. I mean, you were not either. Just the Manor was, which still represents the deeply rooted horror of the situation. But you two are solved, so to speak."

"Of course I was," he insisted harshly.

"Yes, but I was simply concerned about you," she quietly admitted.

"That's not what I meant," he sneered now.

"I know-, I felt your emotions there. But that referred to school. I felt left alone and- and disliked. You know it boggled my mind."

He snorted derogatory and shook his head at something he obviously deemed impossible or offensive.

"Pardon?- Severus?—Okay-. Although I sensed some of your feelings, I'm afraid I'm currently unable to be witty and terribly metaphoric on my own in order to extract _whatever_ from you. So, when you need me to word something for you, you'd be better off telling me what concerns you. At least _hint_ it."

Oh dear, he would kick her out.

He starred at her blankly. Then he got to his feet and left into the cellar without a word. Hermione was completely taken aback. _What the heck did he think he was doing? _She had to really restrain herself from very loudly commenting on impolite ignorance when being addressed. She saw her presumption proven that this was about the trust issues he simply couldn't wrap his head around. She had made a couple of mental notes on this since Christmas Day. It was a recurring topic after all and obviously needed to be addressed in more detail. _Merlin, I could do with some holidays now_, Hermione mused wearily, but was interrupted by Severus sudden return. She raised one eyebrow into an inquiring scowl.

"I know this confuses you, but please talk to me and don't walk out on me. You insisted on that rule after all."

"Why would you think me confused," he growled.

"Because of your changed attitude. You couldn't speak about what I accused you of, because it hurt you. Deeply so, I can tell. And shortly after, you wordlessly stormed out of the room-. That's quite a giveaway." She starred at him. "And I happen to know that it is confusing when things don't seem to fit, when the perception of someone else on the same incident is simply not holistically accessible to oneself," she added sensitively, wishing he would sit down and not stick to the work counter.

"What, in Merlin's name, are you talking about?" Severus asked in angry confusion.

"Your trust issues regarding my non-existent trust issues. I think I crowned yours yesterday when I admitted to trust Draco, at least insofar that he wouldn't kill me," Hermione explained looking at him intently, but he had schooled his face to blankness. _How lovely. This feels like starting from the beginning all over again. _When he hadn't managed to answer after even about two minutes, her annoyance level grew. "Severus, you do realize that you have issues trusting me regarding my implicit trust towards you? And towards Draco yesterday? Rest assured that all other former Death Eaters are excluded from that. It's a very exclusive club."

"I think you are overdoing it, Miss Granger-," he reprimanded, the annoyance in his voice and face now clear as the day. His teacher persona was about to be fully unleashed.

"Ya-, I'd really appreciate _not_ playing this game now. I'm afraid you'll have to wait until the new term to get your go at Miss-Grangering me into silence. We'll finish now what you wanted to start, or rather _needed_ to-," she stopped herself since his scowl now was menacingly. He had folded his arms in front of his chest and looked down on her. Hermione, however, firmly stepped towards him, reached out and put her left hand over his. It relieved her a little when he didn't pull away or tried to bolt again. She looked up and rested her eyes on his.

"You can stop that scowl now. I ensure you it _is_ as impressive as in your classroom, but I don't feel threatened."

It became instantly visible in his eyes that he had more menacing potential. Hermione was impressed, though simply by the fact, not the menace itself. That was lost on her. She searched for her most sympathetic voice.

"I still don't feel threatened, but would prefer if you refrained from it. There is no need for-," she dared to stroke his hand with her thumb before continuing. "You _do have_ my full respect already. Earned, not demanded. Remember?" she asked.

Severus was taken aback by her whole determined demeanor. She was right, he needed to know, but he felt weak, especially knowing that she had sensed his feelings. He had seen her like this when Minerva and Remus had been here, but to be on the receiving end was not the same, especially not with a sensitive topic at hand. He had the strong urge to regain control and label her his student again and tell her off for inadequate familiarity and boundary-crossing all the while having the competing urge to clutch her to his chest for seeing what tore him apart without making him say it or hint at it. He despised himself for this weakness in him, for being overly-emotional in the face of what happened at the party and felt that he was about to be embarrassed.

"Tell me, do you really think I could fake my trust?"

"I do think that you're faking yourself with believing in a most doubtful implicit trust," he snarled.

Taking her hands off him and stepping slightly back, she held his gaze.

"Uh-, thank Merlin you're here to enlighten me," she said. "Now I see! Since being an outcast made me desperate beyond reason, I did develop these _issues _of being overly and thoughtlessly forgiving, right? And in my despair I willingly threw myself at the next nice person available, which was you. Of course, consequently so, I mean after all _you_ were the only one to embrace me with arms wide open and a blissful smile in the minute I walked through the gates of Hogwarts again." Hermione stopped herself at the look in his eyes. Okay, he usually was sarcastic and stingingly brutal himself, which was a defense mechanism to a large degree. She would surely do him and herself no good whatsoever in triggering this in him by being ghastly sarcastic herself just because she was annoyed by his immunity to feedback regarding this topic. Right now, and that was strange enough, he simply seemed self-conscious and in need of reassurance. At least as far as Hermione concluded from his obviously defensive attitude. So this was better about controlling herself and not spooking this rarely used, but genuine and human side of his twisted personality. She took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, Severus, I got carried away. This isn't easy for me. I mean having such conversations with you. Could we sit down, please," she asked gently. He assessed her shortly, then gestured her to sit and settled himself into another chair. Suddenly Hermione became nervous. This man had the immanent potential to drive her crazy. Gladly not in a suicidal way; at least not right now.

"Please hear me out, okay?" she asked and was answered with an arched eyebrow. "Well, I think you are mixing-up two different things: I don't have trust-issues with you, because my trust is based on the knowledge and experience that you always did what you could to save us, or me for that matter, and always as soon as the moment to act presented itself and then at full force. Your issues with my trust, however, are based inside you, in your inability to forgive yourself for what you have decided for. As I see it, it was a decision for the greater good and not against me. It was the only one logical given what was at stake, a Hobson's choice really. A similar decision to those I had made by preferring to give up one piece of information over another. And although I know that I had made these decisions to raise the chances of our final victory, thus for the greater good just like you did, I cannot forgive myself that people, good ones, friends, got killed because of my decisions," Hermione swallowed and pressed her jaws together.

Severus mien had changed to simply stressed, but his eyes rested on her. He desperately wanted to be somewhere else and startled a little when Hermione kneeled next to his right leg, propping one elbow on his thigh and unfolding his arms by taking his right hand and resting it below her lips, wrapped in hers. Due to his perplexity he simply let her have her way and locked eyes with her.

"They turned out to be costly decisions. I'm paying every day. I'm sure _your_ payment would be unaffordable for an average human, but then gladly you are above average. I wish I were in the position to at least forgive you the little part involving me and cut the cost, but I'm not since it there is nothing for me to forgive. You hadn't decided against me," she repeated insistently and Severus now returned her grip. She smiled at him warmly. "I'm here. I _live_. For a third time now. I- I wouldn't have made over the first, if it hadn't been for you. So- in fact, I owe you. And for you it's finally time to at least stop overpaying this due. It doesn't have a piggy-bank function, you know?! So please forgive yourself and let go-. No one else can do that for you, only you Severus," she finished in a firm but gentle voice before getting up again and settling in the chair opposite his.

"I didn't hate you."

"I know that now. I _feel_ it. It's just an angst deep inside nourished by former behavior. But it will subside. So there is simply one thing left to do to bring this to an end and close the book forever. But it's not for me to do. Do what you hopefully yesterday also convinced Draco to do: forgive yourself," she said.

"We shall follow _your_ good example then," he provoked.

"I didn't advice to do as I _do_, but to do as I _say_," she arched her eyebrow at him, but twinkled as well.

Severus showed a crooked smile, "It strikes me that the three of us are in one boat regarding this. You also have to forgive yourself for what you couldn't help. It wasn't your fault. Your sacrifice ensured we won. I confirmed it on oath. And I'm smart and not known for sweet talking. And-," he leaned towards her, "the court believed it officially, you know?"

"I know," she nodded and blinked back tears. "I will be able to do it one day. But I cannot free myself from the blame of the others, not yet. There- there are so many of them," she took a deep breath, "I'll migrate to the continent after school. Distance and time will work their own magic on my self-forgiveness abilities, I trust." Shrugging-off the impression of a flicker of sadness in Severus' eyes, she headed for the door, but turned around, "If you don't mind, I'd like to go for a short walk before focusing on my detention. Just for progressing, but I won't be too long."

Severus nodded at her.

"I shall hope to come to know about it one day," he whispered to himself, when she was gone. Merlin, she was so much more than he had ever expected her to be. A depth he hadn't expected her to possess although having gotten glimpses of it during their brewing times.


	9. Chapter 07: Lucky bastard

**07 Lucky bastard**

**01 January 2000**

"Excuse me, I have an unusual question. May I use your mascara and lipstick? It's about a man in there I didn't expect to be around," Hermione asked the young woman with feigned enamored excitement. On peeping back into the café she saw that Severus was still enduring the two local nitwits. She actually wondered about both parties: Severus was not the socially enduring type and those men couldn't possibly feel well in his company.

She had walked straight into the restroom after her extended walk through this part of Manchester and now that she found herself next to a young woman, who refreshed her make-up, she came up with an idea. He would hopefully play along.

"Oh, Professor, how lovely of you to have waited for me," she flirted at Severus. "Charming, that you kept him company," she now addressed the two men at the table next to his, "I'm Hermione. I'm his student and probably his most loyal admirer," she added.

Severus simply looked at her with an impassive face. She looked stunningly with the make-up. Why was she wearing it? She hadn't when they had split up an hour ago. And more importantly: what was she planning?

There was no way for her to tell what he was thinking. The other two, however, seemed to be enchanted by her.

"This is my brother Daniel and I'm Robert. We live here and work in the factory down the river," the two dark-haired men returned with a beam. They must be about Severus' age, she mused while sitting down between their tables on the bench next to Severus, who seemed slightly uncomfortable. Hermione, however, moved a bit closer to him.

The two natives simply starred at them and not particularly smart.

"I'm afraid there is not enough time before our phone-conference with Berlin to companionably enjoy a tea here. But I trust we could as well postpone the tea and combine it with a little _intimate_ celebration of our accepted proposal and my thesis," she said very flirty now and beamed at him.

Instead of drawing conclusions from what she unfolded before him, his distracted mind decided she looked gorgeous. Where did the make-up come from?

Going by the tension she felt from him, Severus obviously felt really uncomfortable now. Hermione turned to blink mischievously at him willing him to understand.

Suddenly the penny dropped and he decided to play along.

"The ever-optimist," he returned.

"Please don't hide your light under the bushel," she chided gently and turned to the gaping men, "I take it you know this genius from earlier times? Tell me, has he always been this humble?" she asked with excitement.

"Ahem, well, probably. We only went to primary school together. Just wanted to say hello actually," the taller man, Daniel, stammered.

"Oh, I trust the professor enjoys sharing some childhood memories. Must surely be ever so grounding compared to Heidelberg, where he can hardly walk the city without getting into discussions about his work. Brilliance comes at a cost," she said admiringly and squeezed his arm all the while smiling semi-imbecilic.

"Oi, we never knew about your famousness, Sev," the other man said.

"Famousness is probably said too much," he weighed-in and continued to sit very stiffly.

"Tsk, see, that's exactly why I asked!" Hermione now leaned towards the closer man and patted his hand on the table. "Magazine and Newspaper articles at least every other month, television interviews, talk-show appearances and official consultant for two large chemical plants and he still doesn't consider himself prominent. And in less than an hour, we'll get the official acceptance of the proposal from my PHD-thesis, which wouldn't have been thinkable without his brilliant mind," she leaned back to Severus again. "That's why all women in Heidelberg fall for him. It's his mixture of intellect and arrogant aloofness that on a closer look turns out to be noble modesty, which drives them crazy," she said snuggling up to him.

Now the two nitwits were literally gaping. Hermione was satisfied that their pennies also had finally dropped.

Severus was thankful for his well-developed and trained ability to show an unimpressed face when confronted with unexpected situations. He had meanwhile gathered what Hermione was doing and he couldn't deny being amused and flattered by her approach, but felt slightly irritated by her flirty physical contact.

"You're young for a PHD aren't you?"

Oh, one of the nitwits wasn't all dumb.

"Thank you! Yes, I am. But he took me under his wings and taught me so many things that I could excel myself," she addressed the two men before turning to Severus. "And I like to think that he sees something special in me, too, since he invited me to stay with him." She beamed now.

"I prefer to think that I didn't disinvite you, when you unexpectedly stood at my door," Severus now said.

"How good for you that I know you a bit and was able to interpret your reticence as invitation. You know you were secretly pleased!" Hermione said with ignorant confidence.

Biting her bottom lip, she put her hand on his thigh to squeeze it shortly and have it rest there.

"Your- _domestic _skills are- _satisfying_," he said with an ambiguous intonation, which forced Hermione to gather herself very shortly.

She giggled.

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, they say, right?" she now rhetorically asked the indigenes with a telling look

Finally their faces prove that Hermione's and Severus' show had been successful. They both starred at him in awe. Mischief managed, Hermione thought, time to go before Severus' stress turned too strong.

"Sorry for having to steal him from you, but we need to go or we'll be late for the conference. I'll pay the bill. It's the least I can do given that you provide such lovely accommodation." Hermione got up. "Goodbye, guys, it was nice meeting you," she purred and twinkled at them.

When she had left, the closer man enthusiastically tapped the table.

"Sev! Hot and homely! You lucky bastard!"

Severus got up.

"And astute," he added and shot them a knowing look.

With his hand on her lower back he led her out of the café. When they were out of earshot, he started to chuckle.

"Impudent witch."

"Oh, you're too charming! I thought you'd go for meddlesome," she returned chuckling, "Sorry for my hand on your thigh. I kind of couldn't back-off from what the situation called for."

Hermione felt Severus' hand squeezing her lower back, very close to her butt, reminiscently.

"We're still in sighting distance."

"Call it even, I agree," she chuckled.

.o.O.o.

"Since we are now known in the Muggle neighborhood as _the_ new semi-official couple-" Severus started, when they settled into the armchairs.

"Well, no! Sorry, but no! I know it's holidays, but I cannot tolerate your inattentiveness," she sighed and shook her head at him. "_You_ are an irresistibly talented and famous chemistry professor with a hot - _yes, I heard him_ \- but stalking student, who you should better strictly tell off, but since you are in the end just a man, you keep falling for the temptation she provides and thus don't get rid of her. And now you are highly endangered of becoming an irrevocable part of a chemistry-nerd couple," she corrected him.

He starred at her in disbelief.

"Merlin, I cannot recall all you said, but I'm sure you forgot _mental _in the description of yourself."

"_Stalking_ covered for that, but you may be right anyway, yes. To be sure, better check with Abe tomorrow for a proper list of _our_ relationship details. Until then, I'd recommend not to mess with the potentially crazy chick."

At the sight of Severus, who had thrown his head back and laughed out loud at her comment, she couldn't help but to join in.

"Of course, how inattentive of me to have skipped the details. Since I'm very likely going to be shanghaied into being the irresistibly talented _and_ self-sacrificing part of a chemistry-nerd couple, I'd like to give you something I made. Something, which is doomed to make a questionable impression in any situation, but this now is too good a chance to miss. In fact, it's a pity I hadn't brought it to the café," he said laboriously.

Hermione sensed the changed atmosphere. He was serious now.

"Okay-, you are making me nervous."

Severus felt a little like throwing up currently, but decided to just get it over with.

"Wizards and witches often make a piece of jewelry for their children to check how they are. They are usually birth gifts and can be necklaces, bracelets or earrings. And they are charmed so that when worn on skin, they reflect the bearer's mood to the corresponding counterpart and thus, they allow parents to see how their babies and toddlers are. Of course, this is not restricted to a certain age, but can basically be used by anyone, who wishes to," he explained and took out a delicate silver ring to show her, "I decided for inconspicuousness- and dubiety" he added.

Hermione carefully took the ring from him and examined it. It was formed by an otter and a stag or a doe with crystal eyes.

"My Patronus is actually an otter," she said slowly.

"I know."

She looked at him flabbergasted.

"What's yours?" she asked lowly-voiced although she was sure to know the answer already.

"A doe."

He wasn't sure what to make of her look. After she had first scanned his face she now starred on her palm with the ring resting on it.

A minute passed and Severus moved in his seat.

"I'm still processing," she gave him a small smile, "I'm- I don't know what I am, ahem, it might take some time."

"I shall leave you to it then," he returned, suddenly having problems to breathe. He had a very clear idea about the range of meanings that could be interpreted into this ring, but now that he saw her contemplative reaction to it, he wasn't sure anymore if he hadn't subconsciously really attached a very personal one to it. All those emotions he allowed himself to have since he had decided to open up to her, right now showed him how vulnerable they made him and also that he hadn't anticipated how sensitive he was to her reactions.

"No, please, you don't have to," she said fast.

"I agree. I _must_," he insisted and fled the room.

.o.O.o.

Hermione was not able to follow immediately. Instead she absently went into the kitchen to bake scones and let her thoughts and emotions on this flow freely. This small unobtrusive item did very many things to her. She was flattered by his effort to give her something to feel seen in her emotions and surely to be offered his time when needed. Even more so was she flattered by the fact that he even designed it using both their Patronuses, which was logical given their guardian character and the fact that he had the counterpart. He had designed a ring for her. She couldn't help but feel that this was even more of an intimate gesture than any shopped wedding ring would be, which after all was supposed to be the symbol of a promise for life. _Wedding ring, Hermione, honestly, _she mentally debated with herself. Well, of course, that was the occasion to present someone with a ring.

She examined it again. It was tastefully understated. What would it show? All emotions? Or could it be adapted? She would need to ask Severus. It was high time to search him, before his imagination ran wild and he would be all snarky and dismissive to keep her at bay. Deciding that the scones would do just fine on their own in the oven, she went upstairs.

Very lightly she knocked at the doorframe to his bedroom where he sat near the hearth reading and now looked up at her, face blank. Great, it had started already. _Kids_, Hermione mentally shook her head.

With what she thought could pass for a disarming smile, she carefully and slowly entered his room.

"Ready to announce the verdict?"

Hermione tilted her head.

"Hardly, since I'm not in the habit to decide verdicts in the first place. You're confusing me with someone you've probably silently debated with the last half hour," she softly said.

"Feel free to try again. And before maybe remind yourself, who you are talking to," he said darkly and Hermione understood it as the final proof of this really being a touchy subject for him. She reminded herself that she had once pushed her luck by showing him that she saw some parts of his real persona. He was very likely far too private to deal with something like this again on such an intimate issue. Because it indeed was this somehow and she was very aware of how much he had moved out of his feared teacher persona by making this for her: a student, a Gryffindor, a woman.

"I'm hoping to still not be talking to my professor but to Severus, who knows that I don't intend to make him brood too hard or even judge him superficially," she stepped a bit closer into the room, "Since the topic is on the table, I'd like to state for the record that I am aware you didn't propose," she tried to lighten his mood,

His face remained unreadable. "Imagine my relief!" he said unnerved, unable to relax into her humor and inwardly cursing himself for it.

Hermione was close to fidgeting and a sudden desire of closeness overwhelmed her, which made her hold her breath in astonishment.

"Severus, may I check up on something?"

"I shall not constrain research interest," he allowed.

Hermione took the book from his hands and settled herself sideways in his lap, well partly. Her bottom and feet were positioned on either side of his thighs and simply her legs were cocked over his lap.

Severus didn't even flinch, but seemed to have stopped breathing. Hermione ignored his unresponsiveness and simply snuggled closer, laying her head on his collarbone.

"_What _results, in Merlin's name, is _this_ supposed to deliver?" he asked stiffly. Not that she hadn't been in his lap this week already and more than once, but then the situation had called for intense solace. This, however, did not.

"The absence of certain feelings-, and I can already say they are not there indeed," she simply returned.

"Hermione-," he growled warningly. He was not in the least ready to be rejected in any way. Especially not out of the blue and while being emotionally emaciated already.

"Don't anger the supposedly crazy chick by rushing to conclusions!" she said in a firm whisper and put her left hand on his chest and felt his heartbeat. "Severus, I happen to have daughterly experience and this doesn't feel daughterly to me-. Does it feel fatherly or something along that line to you?" she asked, unable to do so louder than in a whisper. Her heart sank. She couldn't believe that she had just enforced a conversation like this.

The man beneath her processed this with some shock, too. It was not about what he _was_ feeling, he mused.

"I fail to have a proper possibility of comparison, but daresay no-. What are you aiming at?" he growled. He was torn between shoving her off his lap and pulling her close. Bloody hell! This whole situation was perturbing and pleasing on at least two levels.

She nodded slightly as if to herself and then held the ring up a bit.

"This tiny beauty does very many things to me emotionally," she admitted.

"It was supposed to offer surety and not to disturb you lastingly."

Hermione pushed herself away from his chest to face him.

"And yet, it has the incredible power of doing both, well, impress rather than disturb, but surely lastingly-, which makes it so stirring. It's so prudent and incredibly personal. It's very likely the most personal gift anyone ever bestowed me with. The power of the gesture and the effort of designing it yourself are overwhelming, but the symbolism of our combined Patronuses is overkill. I cannot really explain why, but I kind of needed to make sure where the two of us are- _not_ located emotionally," she tried to explain.

Severus was awed by her perception of his gift and her openness regarding her feelings it evoked, his gaze however remained unreadable resting on her and Hermione suddenly blushed.

"Now that I hear myself saying it, I admit it sounds weird and I do understand I was a bit intrusive here. Oh dear, I apologize for crossing borders for the second time today-, although the situation admittedly didn't call for it this time, I'm sorry," she conceded meekly and tried to get away without touching him further and especially before he would have gathered himself again and have a go at her. Her sudden paleness under her blushed cheeks wasn't lost on Severus and before she could get up, he hugged her to him and kissed the top of her head. Definitely no fatherly feelings, he thought while letting go of her again.

"The situation did call for something and had I paid attention to the latest rumors, I would have expected my stalker to come up with something like this," he said and the grin was audible to Hermione, who just settled herself down on the thick carpet opposite him.

"Thus, we agree that your surprise is exclusively based on your lack of attention? Sounds plausible," she chuckled slightly. "Can the ring be adapted to only show certain moods?"

"It can and was already. It shows grief, fear and despair. I'm after all the self-sacrificing, not the stalking party in this," he said, feigning admonition.

Hermione theatrically face-palmed herself. "Right! How thoughtless of me." They both grinned.

"I take it, children rather wear necklaces?" she asked.

"Exactly, but they are not handy at night, especially not when purring. Thus, I thought a ring to be least intrusive," he said.

"Very thoughtful!" Her wide eyes locked with his. "May I really keep it?"

"Gryffindor!" He rolled his eyes at her and in a smooth movement got up and made his way to the door.

"I don't know how to appropriately express my gratitude-. Thank you, Severus."

He came to a halt in the doorway. "Had you paid attention to your words, you'd know that you've done already," he said smoothly-voiced without looking back at her, "impressively so. Excuse me, but now I'm going to stop my house from burning down and switch off the oven if you don't mind."

"Oh shit!" Hermione exclaimed in shock, jumped up and ran past Severus down into the kitchen. The amused laughter of the dark man followed her.


	10. Chapter 08: Basically the aftermath

**08 Basically the aftermath**

**02 January – 03 January 2000**

This definitely was a special winter, the young woman, who seemed to be absorbed in watching the snowflakes dance slowly towards the earth, mused. She sat at the terrace door, leaning against the frame, cozily wrapped in a soft emerald-green blanket. She had come to like the Slytherin blanket and had already thought about sneaking it out to her quarters after the holidays. It was soft, perfect in size and fabric, it made her feel embraced and held since Severus had tucked her up with it, when she had fallen asleep on the sofa on Christmas Day. Slowly sipping her Earl Grey she was sunk in watching the snowy spectacle.

"Hermione?" Severus asked lowly-voiced after he had settled himself into the armchair by the fire but apparently without her noticing it. She turned around and locked eyes with him. The day before the dark man had realized in astonishment that he had come to like this reaction by her. His usual urge to stare down the one daring this was gone in the face of her plain and honest look that conveyed an unspoken _yes I hear you and answer you, because I like to converse with you_.

"I'm thinking about renewing my offer for Draco to spend the remaining holiday week here. I think he wasn't averse, but-."

"-Slytherins need to be begged," she finished his sentence.

He twitched his lip. "Right and I wondered about your opinion on this."

Being a quick thinker and having done immediately what she thought the math to be, Hermione tried not to give away her feelings on this. There were only two bedrooms in this house. Thus, Severus hadn't asked if she was okay with having the prejudiced and purposefully impolite snotty man here with them, but rather if she left him her bedroom and retreated to Hogwarts, her tent or Remus' flat, given that his offer was still on.

The young woman knew that the dark man didn't have enough of her – he was more than patient and relaxed – but she also knew that he felt an obligation towards the younger man, who was alone too and, as far as they had witnessed, not thriving at all.

Obtaining control over her emotions as the pain slowly spread through her was incredibly hard to manage. She kind of hadn't expected this to happen since it was only one and a half week ago that he had purposefully brought her here and prolonged his invitation towards Remus, convincing her about his wish to ensure her well-being personally. On an emotional level these two things were connected for her although she could also see that on an analytical one they could and should be seen separately. Maybe it was time to restore the order and have the Slytherins unite and the Gryffindors as well. It occurred to her that this was maybe the core meaning of the whole ring-scenario: pushing her out of the nest and giving her the safety that he would know when she emotionally stumbled and fell.

Severus, who had watched her vigilantly, now interrupted her thoughts.

"I'm hoping to convince him that Hogwarts is a chance for him and a way worth pursuing again."

He hadn't expected her to be thrilled at the thought of being housemate with a Malfoy, no matter her concern about him. These were two different kinds of shoes.

Hermione hoped her voice wouldn't betray her. "I think that's a good idea and very thoughtful of you. He knows you since always and respects you. As such you're the perfect fatherly figure for him. You should really do it!"

He nodded contemplatively. "It will be challenging. He'll make sure. And it'll be different from now," he weighed-in.

"You're able to manage that. You are Professor Snape, remember?"

"The change will be challenging for you, too,"

"I'll be fine. I've had so much one-to-one care and feel empowered," she assured the dark man all the while wishing she could believe her own words. Already now that she had spoken them aloud loneliness gripped her heart and made her shiver involuntarily. She was frightened of being on her own again with no one to turn to when a purring-dream or a full panic attack hit her and to be honest also of once again being of no interest to anyone anymore. Only ten minutes ago she hadn't been aware of how much she relied on Severus to have her back, to just be there and how young she felt indeed and still needed someone or someplace to belong to. All of a sudden she needed space. "I'll be in the shower," she said curtly and made to leave before her mask would crumble and show him everything.

"Draco has confirmed. He'll be here tomorrow," Severus told her when he had read the letter that came after dinner.

Be nonchalantly, Hermione told herself, you don't do anyone favor by being emotional now. He has laden himself with obligations and handles them in a responsible and appreciative manner. "Good to know he is reasonable. Chances for a return to Hogwarts are rising," she said. Hopefully he'll never know about how she felt about him replacing her here. That'll be more than welcome for emotional blackmail and immoral high-ground.

"When will he arrive?"

"He kept it vague."

"Sounds authentic," she nodded and kept herself from rolling her eyes.

"He used to sleep long so I trust there'll be enough time to arrange the bedroom tomorrow morning," Severus contemplated.

Suddenly it became clear to Hermione that she couldn't deal with seeing Draco move in and even more so, she could not sleep another night in that bedroom. She would leave tonight without much ado. It had been hellish since this morning anyway and Remus had told her where to find the key.

"I need to see to the potion," Severus announced when he heard the hourglass chime. Hermione nodded and looked after the dark man, who seemed as relaxed as always. Granted he had assessed her with some curiosity today, but never inquired her feelings again. It occurred to her that he hadn't even offered her to sleep on the sofa. Secretly she had hoped he would at least be a little moved by her departure. Well, no, she had expected it due to everything that had happened between them and she had wanted him to want her to stay here, because she had realized that she didn't just need someone or someplace to belong to, but she wanted to belong to him and here. She definitely was the needy part here, wanting to be liked and wanted.

She gathered herself slightly. "I'm upstairs packing," she said when he had reached the kitchen.

Upstairs she shrank her clothes to fit into the suitcase again. Winky had done this nicely before. Hermione now couldn't care less. She removed the linens, arranged blankets and cushions nicely afterwards. As it became increasingly hard to keep the sadness at bay she feared that the nervous breakdown she was about to have would be accompanied by a panic attack, which would only force her to stay and make things more awkward.

.o.O.o.

She didn't hear Severus arrive behind her. He obviously couldn't bother to knock.

"Would you have said goodbye?"

Hermione startled, but didn't turn around.

"Of course," she said shakily and was glad he didn't see her sudden tears.

"Good. Starting a searching mission through Britain in the middle of the night for my unexpectedly disappearing housemate isn't my idea of a relaxed winter holiday," he said lowly-voiced and maybe a bit angry, Hermione mused. She could feel him standing closely behind her.

"It would have been easy with your background and my limited options. But it's hardly unexpected, is it? I fail to see the distinction of me moving tonight or tomorrow.

Severus swiftly turned her around by her shoulder and she gasped, but managed to avoid his gaze.

"You are free to leave anytime, but I had believed you to be decent enough to provide at least short information in advance when you plan to move house at all," he said with clear disappointment and anger.

"What do you mean _at all_?" Her voice was high-pitched and she looked at him now, "Draco will need this bedroom from tomorrow on. And as much as I support what you do for him and have done for me, this sudden change is hard for me and I don't intend to have a breakdown in front of him tomorrow. I see of course how this irresistible ammo would likely guarantee his return to school, but I'm not willing to sacrifice the remains of my mental health for his career," Hermione said shakily and breathed hard, "Thus, please just let me leave tonight with the little dignity I still have left after this now-," she begged, nearly inaudible.

"This bedroom?- _Your_ bedroom?"

"Please don't do this. There are just two, it's not funny." Her eyes brimmed with tears now. She didn't understand this whole situation.

"Funny? Do you have the impression that I enjoy myself? Honestly, there is a wide range of emotions to choose from right now. You stand here with your suitcase, because you believed that I had expected you to leave, that I would sacrifice you for Draco? And above all by implicitness," he said slowly and in his best teacher growl. He now even towered over her, before continuing, "No, I've _not_ finished, yet. I bloody well asked for your opinion on this, woman! Why would I have done this, if it were to result in you leaving anyway? Why, Hermione?" But instead of waiting for an answer, he determinedly grabbed her hand and dragged her behind, while striding purposefully to the door at the end of the corridor. Severus flicked it open and shoved her inside. Looking around she saw that this indeed was a small room, which had some old furniture in it, but was generally clean and bright.

"This is the room that needs to be rearranged."

Hermione still looked around it and began to unravel their misunderstanding.

"But you-, you asked-,"

"I _asked_ if you were okay with Draco, because you live_ here_ and thus need to put up with him, too. He has a house at least, he hasn't suffered the same as you and he _isn't_ you. The thought of replacing one troubled student with another hasn't even once crossed my mind, because this," he gestured around, "is not about students, but about Hermione and Draco. The _only_ two youngsters I'd ever offer to stay here at all. How negligent of me to have forgotten that you're a Gryffindor and need everything spelled out." Hermione absently noticed that he sounded positively agitated and really not like himself, but then her eyes widened at the realization that she indeed had gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick.

"I'm so sorry," her hand clutched to her mouth, "I jumped to a conclusion without asking." The shock was audible, but Severus was not inclined to make concessions now, since he needed her to understand about the extent and especially her part of their misunderstanding otherwise she wouldn't trust him fully again. This was straining for him as well, as he was working really hard not to let his hurt feelings get the better of him and to roar straight back into teacher mode.

He took another breath to calm down a bit. He knew about his effect and that he was close to spooking her. "Yes _you_, without asking. I would have expected the universe to explode before this would ever happen. Do I have to check you for curses?" he said less menacingly now. "Jumping to a conclusion based on what you've seen is likely more than could be expected from most Gryffindors, but after all we've been through since Christmas you also jumped to a conclusion regarding my behavior that you _yourself _told Minerva and Remus off for," he said in earnest and pierced her with his gaze.

The young woman felt slightly sick and folded her arms at the disappointment in his voice and the realization that he was right with it all. Having caused a disappointed Severus Snape was hard to bear.

"I didn't judge you like they, please believe me, sir. I just knew you've seen Draco growing up as your best friend's only child and sacrificed yourself for him and I found your urge to help him very healthy and supportable. And I knew Draco needs someone to belong to- and I already had my time with you. And you gave me the ring and if there was an emergency, I knew that you would still know. I-," she sobbed, "I knew what magic you can do with people if you dedicate yourself to it and Draco needs some of your magic, too." Severus meanwhile held the shaking woman by her shoulders, who gathered all her bravery. "Please forgive me."

"Have you quite finished?" he asked and resisted the impulse to hug her.

The young woman shook her head, which made him twitch his lip. "It was easier to wrap my head around my version than the one in which I rank highly just by breathing and disturbing your sleep," she really sobbed now, but suddenly her eyes widened and locked with his. "I do rank." It was a mere statement.

"You do," he assured.

"I _do_ rank, I—everything you did. I know that," she said slightly shocked now.

"You do, both" he repeated gently and when she started to sob again, he hugged her to his chest and pressed a kiss on top of her head, "Of course you do, both."

"I'm so sorry, sir," she conceded.

"It's Severus. We both know that the sir-part of me is not even half as understanding," he said in his smooth voice, "or would ever admit that he should have expressed himself more clearly, especially with regard to your social experience of late, but none of us had ever anticipated such a thought to cross your mind at all in the first place. How about tea?

She peeked up at him before whispering, "Maybe I should leave anyway."

He rolled his eyes at her. "Oh woman, you're going to be the death of me," he took her hand and slightly dragged her along behind him, "Tea to calm down first and then we'll have fun designing a livable little _third _bedroom," he added and felt her hand suddenly also holding on to his.

.o.O.o.

An hour later they assessed their work from the doorframe. The room was still small, but cozy and the furniture tastefully hexed and colored in emerald and silver.

"I wonder how many intriguing brickbats he'll have for this room," Hermione said, while clutching the soft emerald blanket from the sofa possessively to her chest. It had been obvious that Severus had wanted to bring her up, but there was no way she would let Draco have it and she was close to hexing it scarlet.

"They'll certainly be a chance to educate ourselves further," Severus dead-panned.

"Well, the realization of having chosen to live amongst Muggles might distract him and buy us some time," she weighed in and they chuckled slightly, "I could easily move in here as well," she offered, which earned her an arched eyebrow, "I mean this would be counter-educational of course, but might buy us some peace."

He looked at her. "No, it won't unless he knew what an _appalling_ living condition he averted in the first place. I see of course that you'd probably sleep on the dining table as long as you have that blanket," he nodded at it and she snorted, "but I see no way that any of us moves for buttering-up his spoiled inner ten year old brat. And I feel better having you near me at night. Back here I'd be tempted to leave my Patronus with you to make sure I won't miss you purring," the man mused aloud and pressed his jaws together at the recognition of the insight he had just given.

Awed by his concession Hermione didn't say a thing, just moved closer and leaned her head to his upper arm. The dark man relaxed very slightly and pressed a kiss on top of it. She then knew she would wear the ring.

**.o.O.o.O.o.**

"That's it! I probably bought more of everything than will be needed, but since I won't ever be able to return to any of Abe's shops, I wanted to make sure, we were on the safe side," she exclaimed on returning from her shopping trip. A movement in the farther armchair distracted her and she found herself unexpectedly locking eyes with a young man, who looked slightly better than some days ago, but still had way to go to return to his former healthy haughtily handsomeness. "Oh, Draco, I didn't know you'd be here already. How are you?"

"Granger," he greeted dismissively and deliberately not answering her.

Severus arched an eyebrow at his tone, but ignored it otherwise.

"What happened?" Severus asked Hermione.

"Neighborly grapevine, as expected. It boils down to me seemingly being very- _determined_ and to likely shanghai you into marriage with dubious methods."

"Corresponds with the impression we gave," he agreed airily.

"Yuhuuh! Because you couldn't engage in the performance and made me look like I was forcing my physical presence on you," she laughed, "your body and spoken language were impressively incongruent. And now I'm having a questionable reputation as a stalker with a tendency to molesting older men,"

"_Didn't_ we have fun?" His amusement was undeniable.

"Wouldn't have missed it for a thing! Ahem, if you guys want something special from the grocery shop, better go now or Apparate somewhere else. I trust by the afternoon you'll be congratulated on having a baby soon. I have a feeling of being pregnant by tomorrow morning," she said and chuckled.

Draco was clearly dumbfounded and starred at her, while she walked towards the kitchen to put sandpaper, oil and the food away.

"It's the traditional way to obtain a husband," Severus joined in, "Let me know when you know for sure."

"Oh _daddy_, I cherish your trust in me, but you are clearly overestimating my knowledge. If you want to know for sure, you'll have to go ask Abe's wife," she chipped in and they both laughed at that.

When Severus saw her starting to unpack the groceries, he intervened, "Leave something to do for us as well. We'll store everything after tea. Come and sit."

Severus' announcement on Draco having to do house elf chores let to a consternated expression on the younger man's face, which Hermione tried not to smirk at, but offered Severus a warm smile instead. "Do you have a cuppa left for me?" she asked on settling herself on the sofa and Severus Levitated it to her.

"What, in Merlin's name, are you on about?" Draco asked with insistence.

"Basically the aftermath of typical Gryffindor behavior – on assuming an urgent need due to snippets of overheard information, someone's inner lioness came out to impulsively engage in a saving-the-potentially-deserving thing they're so devoted to," Severus wisecracked mysteriously.

"I'm glad I asked!" Draco sarcastically commented, which made Hermione grin.

"We had fun in a café by leading some half-wits down the garden path regarding our- scandalous relationship and now the story is developing a life of its own thanks to gossiping neighbors," she explained and then glowered at Severus. "I shall make a mental note on not interfering again when you're socializing with such scintillatingly witty natives."

"Lucky me that such promise is doomed an empty one coming from a Gryffindor," he teased her.

"Then let's hope there is not so much Slytherin rubbing-off, especially seeing that I'm outnumbered now, huh?" she provoked.

"Don't you have a detention to serve?"

"I do, sir," she said overly dutiful and headed for the kitchen door. "Have you read my notes?"

"I've even commented them and the potion should work out fine," he said evenly.

"Thank you," she beamed at him, "I'm downstairs. Laters!"

Physically busy brewing her potion, her mind replayed the day and she realized that it had been a long time since she had had that much fun due to a spontaneous and ludicrous idea.

Severus joined her two hours later to check on her progress and get her for dinner.

"Is Draco very confused?"

"He's young, he'll recover," Severus dead-panned and they both grinned. "He has approved of his bedroom. Hermione-," he waited for her to look at him, "tell me if there are problems," he added.

"If I didn't get you totally wrong, you'd see," she said with a knowing smile. Severus waited until she looked at her work again before glancing at her hands. There it was on the thumb of her left hand. Although the finger choice was unusual, he admitted to himself that this felt good. More than that even. From the corner of her eye she witnessed his face relax into satisfaction.

"Did you advise him on this, too?

Severus arched an eyebrow at her. "It's Draco, we're talking about. Have you known him from hiding his contempt from anyone? Or trying to?"

"Indeed not, no," she sighed.

"Let's finish this. Draco's preparing dinner."

Struggling not to let her irritation show, but wondering how Severus had convinced him to do house elf chores and if it were safe eating the food without running detecting charms over it in advance, she kept cleaning her stuff.

"Perfect! I'll hurry. There's no need for you to help," Hermione assured him and when he looked reluctant she added, "I know your storing-system by heart and won't mess with it. Go enjoy some more male-Slytherin-only time," she dismissed him with a twinkle.

.o.O.o.

Hermione walked down the stairs into the cellar-lab.

"Are you alright?" he asked surprised.

"I just went into the kitchen to drink some water and heard you down here. Unforeseen nightshift?"

"Potionaholic. I'm nearly done."

Once again the notion of being naturally allowed to approach this normally unsociable man and witness him with his sleeves rolled up answering questions instead of snarling her into silence, amazed her. "May I help a bit?" she dared to ask.

Severus assessed her. She appeared slightly haunted, probably by a nightmare.

"I heard you had experience in cauldron cleaning. Is that right?"

"As it happens I do, in fact I'm a pro. But since this is really only thanks to my Potions master and his infatuation with detentions, I don't show-off with this skill in public."

Severus chuckled and turned to store his ingredients. Hermione Accioed the cauldron and started scrubbing by the sink, but when Severus returned he simply sighed, took the cleaning utensils from her and cleaned it magically.

"I'll look after the details tomorrow. And, _Miss Granger_, you may have been irritated by seeing me in my natural environment, but I was _joking_."

"I've learned not to mess with you in your natural environment _and_ I might be slightly slow on the uptake right now," she grinned sheepishly.

"Smart girl _and_ understandable at three in the morning," he grinned.

He shoved her upstairs, through kitchen and living room and up the stairs into the first floor. They came to a halt between their bedrooms.

"Thank you for the navigation. I would have been lost," she whispered to not wake Draco.

"I trust you manage to find the bed on your own?"

"I'll endeavor to."

She hesitated shortly, not fancying being alone again. This was ridiculous and pitiful, but the bedroom-misunderstanding had left its mark, she had dreamt badly and only just managed to breathe away the panic, and she admittedly liked Severus' presence.

"I'll check on you when I've finished in the bathroom," he said, well aware that she was struggling with something.

Sitting upright in bed she smiled overly proud at him when he entered.

"Well done! You're such a big girl!" he said as if talking to a three-year old, while flicking out the candle before bidding her good night.

She rekindled it.

"I'd like to leave it burning tonight," she said.

Severus closed the door from inside the room.

"What is it?"

"Nothing, I'm just a bit touchy. I won't burn down your house, promised!"

He rolled his eyes at her. "That's a weight off my shoulders."

"Wou-? Good night," she stumbled over her words.

"I would," he answered lowly and on seeing the puzzled look she shot him, he continued, "I would do, what can't be asked for or offered conversationally."

"I'd really like that."

He lay down onto her blanket on the other side of the bed and Accioed a second one from the closet. Hermione extinguished the candle and Severus Muffliatoed the room. Draco didn't need to hear them in one room at night. After a couple of minutes starring at the ceiling, she gave up the fight, turned towards the man next to her and put her hand on his upper arm. Severus then put his hand over hers and stroked it softly.

"I'm aware that I'm crossing boundaries and of the inappropriateness. And I don't know why I say this now-, I-"

"Because we are establishing something like a tradition of boundary crossing lately and you feel like hearing my approval," he suggested and heard her hum. He continued in a whisper, "Envision the situation and read the signs. Let's not judge about appropriateness tonight. This whole arrangement is getting more surreal anyway and on more than one level."

"And apart from the obvious," she squeezed his arm gently again, "also the Malfoy in a makeshift bedroom in Muggle Manchester adds to it, doesn't it?" she asked.

Severus grinned. "Definitely. Who would ever believe students or _anyone_ to search out my presence for recovery and emotional reassurance?"

The young woman bit her lip. The impulse to defend him was strong, especially as the memory of the shared lab-time immediately arose. When not in menacing mood, he had always had this aura of authoritative and considerate calmness, which spread safety in her mind. "Your profound presence is why I enjoyed brewing with you. There's a strength and deliberateness emanating from you, which is catchy.

Severus resisted the urge to hug her. "Most people would say it's calculation," he whispered.

"You're the only one knowing for sure. However, I did and still do find it reassuring— and Draco apparently does, too," she said before closing her eyes and enjoying the sensation of feeling welcome and safe when Severus started fiddling absently-minded with some stray curls.

Although not admitting it, Severus was well aware that the youngsters both offered just the same to him: the woman next to him by trusting him with emotional and physical proximity and the young man down the corridor by adding certain nuances to his challenging attitude, which could only be read by a Slytherin as the proof of trust they were. This definitely was an unforeseen quit pro quo and hopefully leading them all to another level of recovery.


	11. Chapter 09: Well-disposed enemies

**09 Well-disposed enemies**

**06 January – 07 January 2000**

"I'm planning to go to the cinema tonight. In London," Hermione announced over her breakfast.

Slightly lowering his newspaper, Severus peeked at her.

"They happen to have built some of those in Manchester too."

"It's supposed to be a certain one. Going there was something like an end-of-holidays tradition with- _before_ and I've decided to uphold it," she clarified rather clumsily.

Severus now openly looked at her and seemed to contemplate it, while Draco cleared his mouth and arched his eyebrow, "Am I supposed to understand what you are going on about?" he asked.

"Obviously not. You are far too non-Muggle for grasping this," she provoked.

He let his spoon drop deliberately loudly into his bowl staring at her derogatively.

"Care to enlighten me then, your superiority?" Draco asked with feigned submissiveness.

"It's a terribly Muggle thing. Might let your precious wizard brain explode. And when I think of all the mess, I'm-"

"Oi, velvet face, feeling suicidal at this hour of the day already? I'd offer to lend you a ha-"

Severus look turned murderous.

"Refrain from such implications and insults, Draco," he now interfered growling, "I'd appreciate if you two waited with your quarreling until I've had my second coffee of the day. At least pretend to be decent human beings, will you?"

Hermione felt sufficiently chastised by the landlord, who had invited them after all and decided to try for decency.

"A cinema is a big hall with very many seats all directed at a silver screen on which a film is shown. A film is like a play. It's a series of still pictures that create an illusion of continuously moving ones when shown in rapid succession on a screen. It can be replayed again and again," Hermione tried to explain.

"What's that play about?" Draco asked.

"There is no _that _play and it's called a film. There are actually thousands of films on numerous topics: can be tragic, romantic, funny or a mixture of all. Simply every story that can be thought can be made into a film."

Draco snorted. "How that without magic? How about flying Muggles?"

"Muggles have technical ways of creating an illusion when it comes to magical or really weird ideas, like giant gorillas climbing on skyscrapers or flying through outer space searching for or meeting aliens," Hermione explained to him and then, without addressing anyone in particular, she added, "I'm still convinced that Muggle Studies should be compulsory for everyone. It really is a question of being up to date with humankind as a whole."

Severus forbiddingly arched an eyebrow at her comment, which made her press her lips together. She concentrated back on her food. Hermione couldn't help but to add another provocative comment after having spent three full days in Draco's arrogant presence. His constant and often not really only _passive_ aggressive behavior was straining. He stayed out of free will and given his repeatedly displayed irritation by her presence, she couldn't quite put a finger on his reasons. She assumed some kind of power play and underlying aggression due to unsolved issues with their shared experience. Maybe even some fight for Severus' favor as it must surely be mind-boggling that he obviously didn't dislike her anymore and even allowed her liberties no one else had. Despite Draco of course, who was as close to family as it got for Severus.

"On behalf of Slytherin House I'm thankful for not having you to decide about the students' schedules," Draco threw in.

Severus now was really unnerved and shot him a displeased look.

_"On behalf of Slytherin House_ I shall appreciate it if you refrained from lumping all Slytherins together, while leaving out all those prejudiced and narrow-minded pureblooded snobs that do _still_ inhabit the other houses _despite_ everything we've been through. And feel reminded that your snotty attitude towards people being different in general doesn't suit you anymore," Severus said sharply and Draco, who clearly struggled with being chastised by the Head of Slytherin on his typical Slytherin attitude only managed to nod before returning to his breakfast.

The older man's attention now turned to Hermione. "Talking about schedules. You are still aware of yours?"

"I am. I thought I might put some more effort in it during the day. I'd really like to go tonight- if you don't mind," she said disarmingly.

Of course there was no need to ask permission, but she was also aware of what he did for her and simply didn't want him to be mad at her. "I take it, Draco is happy not being invited. How about you Severus? Would you like to come?"

He tilted his head and hoped his eyes hadn't betrayed his surprise at her invitation. "Someone needs to ensure your return in one piece."

"As thoughtful as I had expected you to be. To make up for your dutifulness I'll endeavor to make it a pleasant experience. Very likely involving popcorn and ice-cream," she said teasingly.

He rolled his eyes at her, but was secretly pleased. "Less talking, more chewing. You're having a busy day."

Now she also rolled her eyes at him, but Severus had already returned to his part of the newspaper.

.o.O.o.

"Oh, where are you going?" Hermione asked deliberately ignorant on spotting Draco at the bottom of the stairs.

She was astonished to see him in jeans and a woolen V-neck pullover over a button-down shirt. He congenitally looked downright good, but tonight he did so in a very aristocratic and even Muggle way. Severus had very likely assisted him in getting the basics right, but the woolen fabric surely betrayed that Draco had added his distinct taste. Now she was curious what Severus would be dressed like.

"Muggle thing I wasn't invited to," he answered.

"How unpleasantly surprising of you," she returned with a faked smile.

"Aren't you a lucky girl?" he reflected her facial expression.

Severus came down the stairs and cleared his throat to silence them. She took him in and smiled brightly. He looked the same as always, black trousers, white button-down shirt, although under a black woolen Muggle coat.

Severus liked to see her beam at him like this. "Enough now. Behave yourselves or I'll take measures and before asking insolent questions now, rest assured you won't like them," he growled with a menacing look. "Finchley Road, London, you said. Right?" he asked Hermione, who nodded.

"Draco, you go ahead now," he advised with a firm gaze and then turned to Hermione, "and we'll side-along to preserve your core. Come on."

Severus was pleased that Draco had taken his hint and had disappeared immediately with a crack. Hermione stepped closer to Severus, but was unsure how exactly they would Apparate this time, but there was not much time left thinking for adequate movements on her behalf since she was hugged close immediately and intuitively answered with encircling his waist. She sighed subconsciously.

"Are you alright?" he asked in a low voice, while savoring the feeling of her immediately returned embrace.

"I am. You?"

"I find myself being challenged by two _kids_ with deficiencies of getting along and none of which I could murder without remorse. It's hard to bear such a lack of possibilities to act."

She hugged him harder. "I am sorry for our quarreling. I do know it's straining- for me too. I actually thought about leaving for Hogwarts again tomorrow." Hermione tilted her head back to look at him. "To give you some peace and quiet before the term starts again. And Draco surely relaxes when having your exclusive attention," she offered with a knot in her stomach.

Severus tensed at that anew revelation and selflessness and hoped neither voice nor contents would betray his stirring emotions on this idea.

"Simply refraining from provoking Draco in the first place would be sufficient on your behalf. I repeat myself: You may stay as long as _you_ want. If Draco's behavior continues to be this childishly jealous and if it drives you off, he will return to _his house_."

"To prevent a scenario in which I'd take you up on your offer of giving me a hand with the dirty work," she tried to lighten the mood.

"Right," he confirmed with a grin.

"I think we've made Draco suffer long enough for now by having him wait alone amongst Muggles," she weighed-in and snuggled up at him again.

Severus chuckled at that. "Ready?"

"Whenever you are."

And with a crack they disappeared to London.

"What took you so long?" Draco asked unnerved when they finally arrived next to him. He stood in a side-street with a good view at the busy streets of Muggle London. It was holidays and people were out and about.

They slowly disentangled themselves, Hermione fighting for balance.

"Making out. Even the most secret affair needs regular cultivation and who are we to pass up two minutes of intimate togetherness," Hermione said nonchalantly, which made both men practically gape at her. Smilingly she addressed the younger man, "Lovely! I found a way to mute you without drawing on my core. I shall take my chance then: _I apologized_ for our behavior while being guests in Severus' house. Sadly also only after he rubbed my nose into it. Maybe you should contemplate making concessions, too," she finished and on turning around to walk to the cinema she added, "Anyone popcorn to go with the film?" She didn't expect an answer of course. On walking towards the door her amusement was written all over her face and she wondered how long it would take them to recover from her words and join her.

They had managed to pick up the tickets Hermione had had reserved and now they had some time left before the film started. She enjoyed the atmosphere of Muggle London.

"Cinemas are popular, I take it?" Draco asked while letting his gaze run over the crowd filling the hall. His neck got clammy.

Hermione bit back a provocative comment. "Very much so. But I think the throng will dissolve very soon. When several films end at the same time, many people are just lingering because they are waiting for those using the equally crowded bathroom- vicious waiting circle, you see?" she asked with a disarming smile and hoped for Severus' sake that Draco would come up with something cordial as well.

"These are many people. I mean, how many seats are there per screen?" Draco asked indeed cordially, but sounded distracted.

"Depends-, could be up to one thousand in the biggest one."

At that information Draco's eyes widened in slight alarm. It suddenly occurred to Hermione how threatening being outnumbered at large in an unfamiliar environment by humans he had learned to despise for being worthless might really feel, especially when you have lived like a hermit for nearly two years.

She approached Draco very closely.

"If you feel uncomfortable, we could just leave. You only need to say," she said lowly-voiced and got a look of incomprehension from him. Severus hadn't heard what she had said and looked at her questioningly.

"I don't know what you're going on about, velvet fa-. You just bought our tickets," he snarled.

Hermione scowled at him. Okay, she mused, he is the tough guy and far be it from him to feel uncomfortable amongst Muggles, let alone admit it. Taking a deep breath was her try to retain her composure and ensure an even intonation. "I could always come back tomorrow, buy another one and watch it then. There's no problem there."

Now it also seemed to dawn on Severus what was going on as he assessed the paler-than-usual younger man vigilantly now. "I'll fetch some water," he said and disappeared.

Hermione scanned the hall to see if there was a free bench or chair where they could seat him shortly and indeed managed to find a spot. She maneuvered the meanwhile seemingly will-less Draco through the crowd to the seat and kept one hand on his shoulder to ensure him of her presence and he was obviously distressed enough to not shake it off.

On scanning the hall again for Severus, her gaze came unexpectedly to a halt on an older woman with brown curls. Hermione blinked, hoping this would be some kind of imagination, but when the woman waved at someone, her eyes followed the direction and spotted her parents and their daughter struggling through the crowd towards her grandmother. Intuitively Hermione clutched Draco's shoulder harder to steady herself since her knees seriously menaced to buckle. How on earth was this possible? The universe must be having some cruel sense of humor.

Her ears buzzed and she didn't hear Draco asking her what was going on, she also didn't recognize her tight grip on him and that his hand was covering hers now. No, she simply kept starring at those four people that should be her family. Alyssa looked remarkably like Hermione; there was no arguing about that. This, it hit her, was like watching a film. As if someone had filmed their annual visit to the cinema ten years ago and was now replaying it for her to watch. It felt obscene, but she couldn't look away.

Then they came towards them, obviously heading for the exit. In the moment that Draco's voice was loud enough to make her hear him call her name, they also did and automatically reacted. Hermione wasn't a common name after all. For the duration of a second, maybe less, she saw them looking at her, but then all adults blurred their vision and looked right through her while steadily walking past her to the exit. Alyssa and Hermione locked eyes, when she had managed to gaze away from her mother.

The strong urge to approach them combined with the sudden realization that they refused to acknowledge her presence at all felt like a punch in the stomach. Like in trance she turned around and slowly followed them. When the cold wintry air hit her at the door she stopped and kept watching them walking out into the night. Alyssa turned around and smiled at her. Nicely so, Hermione mused. But she was turned around by her mother.

Only now that the hand on her shoulder squeezed a bit firmer, she became aware of the young man next to her. He looked concerned, which she had surely appreciated more had she not just been busy stopping herself from breaking down in public. Hermione clutched his hand and he returned it, but otherwise she kept starring after them. Severus had meanwhile arrived behind them and at the unexpected sight of Draco's hand on her shoulder, his spy mode was activated and he had decided to approach them silently. He had arrived in time to spot the people down the street with the smiling child between them as well and had recognized the girl from the picture in the newspaper. He cursed himself for having been away and while searching for a way to elegantly withdraw Draco from the situation before he would do any more damage by talking, the blond man started to speak.

"I've always wondered if your hair was the result of a certain Muggle fashion or simply of genes."

"And what conclusion did you just draw?" she asked without much intonation.

"That you are a victim of your genetic relations. In more terms than just hair. Similar to me."

"Spot-on," she nodded.

"I didn't know you had a sister."

"I don't think I have one. Granted, we look alike, but they had her adopted before officially disowning me after the war. I don't want to elaborate," she said matter-of-factly and he simply squeezed her hand in affirmation. The young man was glad she did not turn around to witness his shock.

"Draco? Did you just see her smile?" she asked hoarsely while continuing to stare into the distance where they had disappeared into the dark. Tears were silently running down her cheeks.

"I did."

"How-, how did it look to you?" she wanted to know.

"True," he returned without hesitation. It was the first that came to his mind.

A Slytherin answer was what she had hoped for. Hermione swallowed hard and nodded as if confirming it to herself as well. Her hand let go of his to wipe away her tears and Draco encircled her shoulders.

"Velve-," he said in a heartfelt tone and made it sound like an endearment, "it's freezing cold. Let's get inside."

When she didn't move, Draco started to pull her with him. "Come on. We should go find Severus. He's surely annoyed by our absence."

"Concerned," Hermione corrected and looked at the younger man now, "he rather is concerned."

Draco nodded and Severus felt warmth at hearing this. "I'm right here," he now said behind them and they turned around.

"Sorry for having vanished-," Hermione offered.

"I really needed fresh air," Draco interrupted and took the water from Severus, "thank you."

Focusing back on the obviously shaken woman, Severus now simply handed her a handkerchief. "Do you prefer going somewhere else?"

Hermione was only able to shake her head, as her mind was still dumbfounded by Draco just having covered for her so she wouldn't need to talk. Now that was an interesting development.

Severus, however, had no intention of simply believing this. He took her face in his hands and locked his black eyes with her brown ones. "Panic? Calming Draught?"

"Not yet _and_ not yet, thank you," she answered quietly and closed her eyes, because despite his curt approach she had seen his concern and his struggle for composure in front of Draco in them and she was busy enough to keep her own at bay. Suddenly it dawned on her that the younger man had indeed been concerned too. And very explicitly and publicly so. This was not only odd, but felt oddly nice as well. She smiled absently.

"Keep me posted," Severus simply advised.

She squeezed his right hand at her face shortly and leaned into it. Severus let go of some of the tension he hadn't recognized he was holding and it occurred to him why: His mind hadn't been sure if his caring was still appreciated. He had felt exclusion and jealousy of the intimate situation between the youngsters before. Merlin, this was going to become problematic.

"Shall we get some popcorn before the film starts?" Draco asked deliberately airy. "Ahem, how do we know when it starts?" he added and Hermione had to bark a laugh at that.

"Popcorn is a must. And had the starting time been a- _fuzzy_ issue, I would have invited Sybill, but trust me that we'll easily be able to help ourselves by _reading_," she gestured at the screens above the ticket counter, "and by _checking_ the watch. I happen to know that you have one in your pocket," she said with a smile and Draco grinned, but managed to feign confusion.

"Uh, sorry. Ahem, I'm at a loss again. What was the right sequence?" Draco teased now.

Shaking her head in feigned disapproval Hermione turned Draco around.

"Come now, it's about time. Trust the big girl with the really cool super power of telling the time from a watch."

Shoving Draco in front of her through the meanwhile nearly empty hall, while spontaneously taking Severus by the hand and dragging him along, she maneuvered them to the right screen. Severus was clearly too nonplussed to revolt. And too pleased, he recognized.

.o.O.o.

"Would you let me go to bed now if I promised to make a list of must-see films from different genres and then ensure you'll be able to watch them? We'll need electricity for it, but I'll find a way," she begged.

Carefully speaking, Draco was intrigued by the cinema experience. She nearly had to swear an Unbreakable Vow to never tell anyone that a Malfoy found something desirable in the Muggle world. But also without it, he was just unable to stop himself from raving about the film and how non-magical masking and that technique thing made something as authentic-looking like the Grinch even possible. That he showed enthusiasm for something different than bullying her was appreciated and the extension was kind of adorable, but after a couple of hours it had the potential to make a saint swear.

"Severus, I could do with some help here. Can I please hex him to sleep now?" she begged with feigned despair.

"Two hours ago you refused to fraternize with me against him and his- _enthusiasm_. Now he is all your responsibility," the addressed man returned airily.

"Yes, but back then- in the _good _old times, I still had the optimism that it was his absurdly high popcorn-induced sugar level we owe this - well, you name it enthusiasm, I'd rather go for craziness - to. But meanwhile I'm afraid, it's just him." She increased the theatrical despair in her voice.

"Hey, I'm still here. I can hear you! Be warned that I won't take you with me when I go next," Draco menaced.

"Which will earn you our eternal gratitude," Severus deadpanned and Hermione burst into laughter into which he joined.

Draco tried to feign indignation, but started to chuckle himself.

"It was a lovely evening and I thank you both so much for it, but I'm calling it a day now," Hermione announced, rose to her feet and bid them good night.

When she lay in bed she realized that she still wore a smile. And she did, because she had indeed enjoyed herself tonight, despite the horrible scene the two Slytherins downstairs had managed to calm and distract her from successfully. Harry would never believe this, and while her smile faltered at this automatic thought, it hurt much less than before and she successfully shoved it away and dwelled on the content feeling the men had left her with while gently drifting off to sleep.

.o.O.o.

"What the hell? _Lumos_," he said and immediately saw what had caused his scare. "Hermione, what are you doing on the floor?" he asked gently, putting his hand on her shoulder.

She was a bit confused about the circumstances, but then remembered how she came here. "Sorry, I had a nightmare. Your door wasn't firmly shut- ahem, I needed some company, I think," she stammered and could face-palm herself now for this childish behavior. Hopefully, he wouldn't see her blushing in the dim light of his wand.

"You were supposed to wake me and not secretly curl up on the floor against my bed," he chided gently, "Did I hurt you?"

"No. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, sir," she said in earnest and started scrambling to her feet. She hadn't intended to irritate him by sneaking into his room at night. Now it occurred to her how intrusive this had been indeed.

"Don't be silly." He flicked both their bedroom doors quietly shut and she looked puzzled now, even more so when Severus shoved over and patted on his warm side of the bed. Still wrapped in her blanket Hermione thankfully climbed into it.

"Are you cold?" he asked and realized that he was slightly irritated by both his offer and her acceptance.

"A bit," she conceded. Severus additionally pulled his blanket over them both. "It may have escaped your notice, but I don't particularly like the sight of you freezing on a cold floor," he said lowly-voiced.

Without thinking Hermione rested her head on the man's chest. "I didn't want to disturb you. It was just a bad dream. I'm feeling childish enough to have intruded here due to that at all," she admitted embarrassed.

Since she hadn't changed her position again a flabbergasted Severus simply put his arm around her and felt how she slowly relaxed into him.

"Silly. Again. Your brain needs sleep. It has forgotten about our establishment of a boundary crossing tradition," Severus said.

After a couple of minutes, he realized that they both were still awake.

"Was it about your family?" he asked in a whisper.

"I think today's events proved that there isn't anyone, who'd confirm having such relations with me," she said snidely, but then added disarmingly, "Sorry, I cannot wrap my head around the universe's special humor."

"Even being doomed to idleness was challenging. It did something for all our perspectives."

At this Hermione noticeably held her breath. It was clear that he referred to Draco's spontaneous change in attitude towards her, which had saved the evening indeed and would hopefully last for another day. However, she wasn't inclined to broach the issue now.

"Are you indicating to have found something good in the- non-encounter?"

"Seeing the topic's delicacy and the fact that it's _my_ Slytherin mind talking, I'd render it _highly_ unlikely that something this suicidal had been indicated."

"_Unless_\- said Slytherin mind was half asleep," Hermione contemplated aloud.

"Then it cannot be blamed," Severus insisted and they both chuckled at that.

As rather often he subconsciously started to play with her hair. "Do you want to continue sleeping here?"

"Would you mind?" she asked hesitantly being once again very aware of the situation's moral dubiety, which she meanwhile didn't care about in the least.

"I just invited you," he muttered.

"And I was even fine with the floor next to you." Hermione struggled her right arm free and put it on his chest where she could feel his fastening heartbeat. "Enough obviousness stated?" she asked to lighten the mood. She really wanted to sleep right here and like this.

"Brat!" he said and kissed her on top of her head. Feeling very content, Severus fiddled with some of her curls until he gently drifted off to sleep.


	12. Chapter 10: Poor pixies

**10 Poor pixies**

**08 January, night - 09 January 2000**

The following days were less straining. Although Draco sometimes slipped back into his snotty habit, he managed to even out his slips mostly on his own. Almost instantly after he had allowed himself to emotionally open up towards Hermione and in the presence of another Slytherin without being mocked, the three of them had automatically settled into some kind of smooth daily routine and meanwhile were content with being around each other. A homely atmosphere had replaced constant bickering.

Hermione liked to watch the men play chess once or twice a day. It reminded her of a father and his son and often she witnessed Draco secretly watching Severus. Although not being sure what he wished or feared to see, it seemed to her that he tried to figure out whether the older man and former friend of his father was being real and honest or just faking and would fall back into whatever mode there could have been once. Hermione had witnessed Lucius in the Manor and before of course – there had been little tender emotion emaciating from him and there had generally been a distant atmosphere between them. Already now there seemed to be more closeness between Severus and Draco than there had ever been before between Lucius and his son.

On the evening of January the eight, Draco and Hermione were rather satisfied with the outcome of the day so far. Their plan of Draco distracting Severus to enable Hermione to secretly prepare a chocolate tart for Severus' 41st birthday the next day had worked out well. In the last minute she had managed to sneak it out on the terrace to the other prepared food and to charm it invisible.

The rest would have to wait until Severus was asleep and that could be very late- or early again, respectively. Very shortly the youngsters had contemplated drugging him with a sleeping draught, but decided that they'd both prefer to go on living with all limbs attached.

Around midnight the men played chess again and Hermione sat with a potions book in front of the fireplace struggling to stay awake. Merlin she was tired, very likely even more so, because she knew she couldn't just retreat to her bed. By the looks of it Draco didn't seem to be overly fit as well. He had had a straining day Apparating to numerous places for certain potions ingredients he suddenly wanted and would want Severus to check before he purchased them. It actually was kind of unbelievable that the older man had fallen for it, but the explanation that there wouldn't be another chance very soon to do so together since the term was about to start on Monday, seemed to have convinced Severus. However, they had not mentioned their joint knowledge of his birthday tomorrow, so he would be surprised – if pleasantly so remained to be seen. When it turned half one, it was time for a strategic change.

"I'll call it a day, boys. Good night," she said and mouthed "wake me" at Draco, who nodded, before adding, "I'll finally be able to concentrate when you don't try staring holes into me anymore."

Typically Slytherin he had recognized her doing so. Rolling her eyes at him she left for her room.

At three, Draco sneaked into her bedroom and woke her up. They waited another fifteen minutes, then Muffliatoed Severus' bedroom and went downstairs.

.o.O.o.

"Where do we start?" Hermione asked sleepily.

"You shrink the table and bring it in, while I start rearranging the rest in here," Draco ordered, "You may lend me a hand then."

"Oh, thank you," she answered mockingly and went head-shakingly into the kitchen. They had planned the make-over together after having accidentally found out about their common dislike of the sitting room's interior design in both visual and practical terms. Draco had had some very solid and convincing ideas to which Hermione had agreed wholeheartedly and so their common birthday present was born.

About half an hour later they had rearranged the furniture in the sitting room, had removed one smaller shelf and a round coffee table from there into the kitchen, where they now formed a cozy coffee corner. It made the small kitchen more inviting and useable without the claustrophobic feeling from before when the large dining table had stood there. Whenever Severus had worked in his lab Hermione had secretly worked towards finishing said table and to prevent him from recognizing she had put an altered Notice-Me-Not charm onto the changes. Now it stood at its new place behind the sofa and in front of the terrace door, where a nice view and daylight would be offered during meals. As a final step they now laid and decorated the dining table and placed the flowers Hermione had bought during the men's absence, when she had returned from shopping baking ingredients and whatever else they both had come up with to be necessary for a proper birthday menu.

Finally, they both sank down into the armchairs and smiled tiredly at each other.

"I like it very much this way."

"I knew my ideas were really good," Draco said in all his signature self-confidence. "And Severus either hexes us into next week for having dared this with his home and on his birthday above all or he will simply be pleased. There's no in between I'm afraid."

"Hmm. Do we share the blame between us or are we going to pull matches and see who of us is to be sacrificed?" Hermione asked.

Draco chuckled at that.

"It was a pleasure plotting with you," he said earnestly.

"The pleasure was mine," she returned and suddenly it dawned on her that this marked an end, "Ahem, Draco-, after tomorrow this surreal arrangement will be over and I just wanted to say that I'll cherish the memory of the unexpected time I spent with a _well-disposed_ enemy."

"Your bar for social contacts doesn't lie very high, does it?"

Hermione snorted slightly. "Being me is currently remarkably lonely, which you probably have guessed by the fact that Severus felt coerced to have me stay here. That, however, does not mean I'm unable to adequately evaluate the pleasure I get out of company – especially out of such that was more than unlikely to be expected."

"Sadly, I can relate, as _you_ know," he returned and pierced her with his grey gaze. "Well-disposed enemies seem rare. You're my first."

They both grinned broadly at that metaphor and their insider. It felt good to share small interpersonal things like this again with someone.

"Chapeau for the tart, by the way, it looks delicious. If nothing else, he'll be pleased about that- if only secretly."

"Thanks," she smiled broadly at him now, still amazed by his capability to openly show honest friendliness. While even a week ago she would have doubted that he was truly capable of such feelings, let alone displays of praise for another human being, especially her, it seemed now that this was truly him and only needed an incentive reassuring enough to be unleashed.

"Velve?" he asked and interrupted her musings.

Realizing that she didn't mind him calling her that, in fact she had come to think of it as a pet name, her gaze that had rested on him turned from staring into encouraging.

"I've known Severus all my life and unless there were lives at stake there's no way to coerce him to do something he is averse to."

"Maybe there were-," she weighed in mysteriously.

Draco studied her while processing the subtext.

"Maybe-. Then all that there is left to say is that if reactions to aversion looked like his did the last two weeks, the world would be a better place."

Hermione now was seriously flabbergasted by Draco's concession and openness. She had not really expected him to bash her first flicker of displayed sensitivity, but pushing the topic hadn't been high up on her list either.

"He has done a great job," she said heartfelt.

Hermione now fought to keep the sadness at bay since the awareness that from Monday on all the old struggles would be returning full force, was still there. Minerva was likely going to make the rest of her school career a living hell if Remus hadn't managed to talk some sense into her. She would have to put up with Harry's, Ron's and Ginny's occasional presence in Hogwarts for their compulsory NEWTS prep work. Draco would very likely be accepted as resident student by Minerva, so he would be there too. But she strongly suspected that due to the classic inter-House rivalries and loath their sociability wouldn't last. This surely was an advantage for him as being connected to her would likely form another obstacle for his inclusion in the student body. And being Draco Malfoy surely was prejudicial enough. From tomorrow onwards their lives would once again be lived outside their safe bubble here in Manchester and be ruled by the expectations of the wizarding society again. Since her friendship with Harry hadn't managed to survive this, their fragile bond, which likely mainly formed due to the absence of other options, would only stand a snowballs chance in hell. Nevertheless she was thankful for this experience and all this was reason enough for just having said what she had wanted him to know.

She took the blanket from her arm rest and tucked herself up. When she was comfortable she looked at Draco, who absently smiled while obviously slowly drifting-off to sleep. It occurred to her that this was not the best of ideas, but fatigue overwhelmed her almost instantly and she also simply fell asleep over the thought.

.o.O.o.

Following his habit Severus silently wished himself a happy birthday on waking up, knowing that no one else would do so – not due to his general unpopularity, but rather because no one, not even his Slytherins, knew when his birthday was. Severus had always liked to go undetected, but today he felt a slight sting at the notion. A couple of minutes later, when thoroughly washing his hair in the shower, he wondered why the question whether he should have told his two housemates about it, bothered him so much. This was a new feeling and highly irritating for someone who had never cared before. Not even his parents had. The only one, who had never forgotten it was Lucius. He had always given him an excellent bottle of whiskey, even when they still were underage, and they had made it a ceremony finishing it together. This tradition had been broken for the first time on his last birthday in its 25th year since Lucius was imprisoned in Azkaban. Instead of sadness Severus felt that Lucius deserved serving his penalty in prison for everything he had – more or less proudly – done or had let happen out of fear. That was something Severus couldn't blame himself for. Never had fear hindered him to do the right thing: there had always been a higher goal, the greater good, which functioned as an excuse when the innocent had suffered and died – _bloody Dumbledore, bloody Voldemort, _Severus cursed inwardly and rubbed thoroughly over his face.

If the reasons he had had for letting things happen made it better or worse remained disputable and a matter of perspective – he was walk free and above all got honored for his contributions. But nevertheless did the single destinies he had killed himself and the ones that had been sacrificed due to his inactivity haunt him in his dreams and he failed to forget any single one of them: he remembered their faces, their screams and the despaired and hopeful begging of strangers and colleagues.

With a deep breath and a fierce look into the mirror before him the dark man tried to center himself again and let go of those destructive thoughts for there were two other people, who needed him to have his wits about him now and at least for as long as they both found themselves someone else to take his place.

Suddenly Severus became aware of how precious a gift it was for his birthday to have Lucius' son with him now and to seemingly do him good. _Much better than a bottle of whiskey, _Severus mused with a genuine small smile.

Having finished in the bathroom Severus deliberately decided for very casual and donned jeans and a black t-shirt for his last day away from Hogwarts. Although having hidden it well so far, at least to his mind, the prospect of returning to school with Draco and Hermione, and especially her problems in tow, wasn't something he looked forward to. Both of them would normally need more time to heal in a safe environment and gather strength, but there was no way this was conformable with school when they aimed at finishing this summer. When closing his door behind him his gaze automatically wandered down the hall to Draco's door and then to Hermione's closed one opposite his. Suddenly it hit him how much this whole situation meant to him and that it would be different from tomorrow onwards. His stomach reacted violently, but being the fighter Severus determinedly walked down the stairs strongly willed to prepare them all a breakfast worth a parting feast and a birthday even though he was the only one aware.

.o.O.o.

Having abruptly come to a halt in the doorframe, his inner spy had scanned what was supposed to be his sitting room and had immediately recognized the two youngsters sleeping in the armchairs, both cozily wrapped in blankets.

He had drawn the line between them and the changes within the second and had equally fast decided to put them both under Muffliato to assess his pixies' nightly work in his own time and uninterrupted.

Walking through the room and scanning it for a second time and more intensely now, he had to grin at what he saw. Of course this was his sitting room, but it looked totally different from six hours ago when he had left it. His gaze finally came to rest on the tastefully decorated dining table and then it struck him like lightning.

"I'm not the only one knowing," the man said to himself and felt his heart go lighter while taking in the flowers. No one had ever given him flowers. Were men given flowers anyway? Why not? Then he realized that his mind started babbling due to emotional and informational overflow. The dominating emotion was happiness, he was sure, pure joy at their enthusiasm, if he liked the outcome was still to be defined. As far as the informational part was concerned he believed to understand that this whole arrangement was likely supposed to be some kind of birthday present they had worked out together, crowned by flowers and a tempting-looking tart full of obscene calories on an opulent dining table in his sitting room. His table. _The_ table. The one a certain woman had taken shared custody of a fortnight ago. He observed their sleeping forms trying to make sense.

Only three weeks ago, he would have cursed everyone out of the room, who would have told him that his birthday was to start with two normally antagonized students sleeping in his living room instead of _their _assigned bedrooms, above all, and after obviously having conspired to redecorate said room in the middle of the night as a birthday present. And for him of all people. Severus was moved, to put it mildly. With another glance at his pixies he left for the kitchen to search for the missing two pieces of furniture and to gather himself during the process of preparing tea.

.o.O.o.

"Good morning, sleepyheads," he said ten minutes later and not only a little louder than necessary.

Severus smirked at their confusion on waking up.

"It's much appreciated that you took it on you to keep watch after the obvious intrusion, but don't worry! It was probably just some kids from the neighborhood, who decided to have some fun on my behalf. We'll be able to put it all back in no time," he reassured them.

Draco and Hermione exchanged alarmed looks but were obviously lost for words at the moment. Severus started to enjoy this since they seemed sleepy enough to not remember that the house was heavily warded and that he was certainly not a man that invited anyone to wind up.

"I wasn't sure about the food though. It looks good, but maybe it was tampered with. I have refrained from disposing it as it is a good chance for you two to practice detecting spells. Would be a shame to put it in the bin, especially the tempting tart- although I'm-" he kept on musing aloud while inspecting the tart more closely and hoping his voice wouldn't betray his amusement.

"Severus, no!" Hermione shouted when he got really close to the tart.

She jumped up and clung to his wand arm to stop him from whatever he was about to do. Now he burst with laughter, much to the shock of the youngsters.

"I was joking," he said under his breath, patting her hand.

"What? You-, you-. Are you kidding me?"

"Actually-, _yes_," he arched both eyebrows at her.

Draco was less amused since he knew about Hermione's effort and regarding what had been implied in her subtext last night and what he had witnessed, Draco had a faint hunch of what this probably meant to her. Interestingly enough he found himself only slightly distracted by sympathizing with Hermione Granger.

She softly slapped his chest and stepped back.

"Not funny, Severus Snape!"

"Feel entitled to your opinion. But you nearly gave me a heart attack at the sight of my living room and since I happily survived today's first birthday attack, I consider myself entitled to have some fun," he said and grinned broadly at her.

She looked sheepishly at him.

"Happy birthday, _old_ man," she said airily now, got on tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

"Happy birthday, Severus," Draco stood next to her and hugged Severus clumsily but heartfelt. Now it was Hermione's turn to grin. Slytherins obviously didn't do hugs and they both looked something like _uncomfortably pleased._

"I gather you did all of this last night?"

"Not all of it, no," Draco said, "Just the rearranging and the decorations."

"What about the food? There was none-"

"You really got older, huh?" she teased and added in a whisper, "Don't be alarmed, but we are able to do magic."

Draco leaned in to her. "It's his birthday. Shouldn't we present him with the whole truth?"

"Go for it, then!" She played along albeit wondering what Draco was going at.

"Severus, well, I don't know how to put this-," Draco started laboriously and Severus indeed became visibly nervous.

"Get it over with before another heart attack approaches. He didn't exactly get younger today," Hermione urged him.

"Right, well-," Draco said and put his hand on Severus arm, "you are a wizard, too," he exclaimed with anxiously furrowed brows.

Hermione bit her bottom lip to prevent herself from laughing out _really_ loud, not at the joke, but at witnessing the different facial expressions Severus went through before scowling at them and wordlessly Accioeing both their wands.

"Let's see how long it takes until you are really sorry and will swear off impertinence for good. Going by the amounts of food piled up here, I reckon there'll be loads of dishes to clean tonight-," he mocked and at least Draco looked alarmed at this prospect.

Pleased, Severus took the seat at the head of the table and absently stroked the surface next to the plate.

"Do I get an answer?"

The youngsters both settled on the back of the sofa.

"I prepared it all yesterday when you went shopping ingredients and just finished in time to hex it all invisible on the terrace," Hermione explained.

They could see how it clicked.

Gazing at Draco, he asked impressed, "So your sudden need of ingredients was part of a scheme?"

The blond man shrugged his shoulders.

"_Needed_\- not so much. Wanted? _Yes!_ And we thought since it was right up your street, it was killing two birds with one stone," he answered disarmingly.

Severus contemplated them both and had to resist the urge to pull them into a hug. He went for conceding instead.

"For the record: I'm properly and pleasantly surprised by your effort," he said slowly and added a most unexpected, "thank you," which made both youngsters beam at him with relief and joy. "And now off with you to the bathroom. It's hard to resist murdering the tart."

Hermione emerged in the living room first and found Severus reading, still sitting at the head of the table. Invitingly, he flicked one of the chairs back.

"Hermione," Severus said gently when she had taken her seat, "you secretly finished the table.

"Not really. I only tried to secretly ensure a sustainable status quo before I'd leave." They locked eyes. "And I daresay I was successful," she said smilingly.

Severus leaned towards her.

"And I agree wholeheartedly," he said in his velvety voice and on leaning back again, added, "It was worth the effort, as was your baking. The tart looks like a piece of art."

Draco hummed in confirmation, while sitting down in a chair opposite hers.

"But you were not supposed to draw on your core for minor issues," Severus reminded her.

"I refrain from pointing out how a birthday is _not_ a minor issue- tsk. I didn't plan to give away another secret, but well," she sighed theatrically, "Draco-, better cover your ears. This is not for you to hear, yet," she advised with an arched eyebrow and pretended to wait for him.

"Then I will of course listen anyway," he answered snobbishly.

Hermione grinned.

"But don't blame me for any nightmares this might provoke-," she said while turning her hands slowly in front of their faces, "I recently found out that there is more use for these two than just wand-waving. And that's why I didn't draw on my core, but baked the tart - _with these two hands_. Well-, and with some basic ingredients and your oven of course," she said with a tone of voice normally reserved for little children or the mentally retarded.

Draco covered his mouth with his hand and inhaled sharply.

"Next time I trust your judgment on my coping abilities," he said with feigned horror before grinning amusedly.

The birthday boy, by the looks of it, seemed to process the real range of the effort she had put into everything, which would surely impress wand-waving-for-everything-wizards more than it would a Muggle, she mused. His face showed that he was indeed moved and that he didn't even try to hide it, made Hermione happy. As if to himself, he nodded slightly and then held her gaze.

"Thank you." The smooth voice again.

Draco managed to stifle a yawn, but immediately passed the urge on to Hermione.

"I'll prepare coffee. I think tea alone won't do the job today," Draco chipped in after they had stuffed themselves and looked all very content. However, he didn't move.

"Right, my- _pixies_ were up late to work their magic for me," Severus teased, "When did you get down here?"

"After you were fast asleep. Which was a quarter past three."

"Poor pixies," Severus smirked further and they rolled their eyes at him.

"Be glad they are fond of you. Better don't spoil it," Hermione warned and Draco hummed in approval.

"Exactly. To be honest, the idea of adding sleeping-draught to your tea was on the table-, Draco said.

"But we dropped it immediately," Hermione interfered with a scowl. It was impolite to point out that the birthday boy caused problems arranging his surprise. Even if said boy overdid the teasing a bit.

"Though it became tempting again around one thirty in the morning," Draco added unimpressed.

Hermione now couldn't help, but to grin at Severus, who arched his signature eyebrow at them.

"It certainly would have been an interesting life-choice on your part," the dark man mused, tilting his head contemplatively.

"And aren't you proud of us for having shown the wisdom to recognize prudence to be the better part of valor and having overpowered our death wish before it took the chance to show-off?" Draco asked.

"_Wisdom_? Merlin help! Your sleep deprivation has obviously led to serious delusions of grandeur. I shall not be held responsible for them to worsen-," Severus said strictly and got to his feet, "I'll prepare some strong coffee for my- _wise_ pixies."

He smirked at their baffled looks while heading for the kitchen. On seeing the now spacious and yet cozy coffee and reading spot in the kitchen again, he realized that he couldn't remember ever having felt this content on his birthday.


	13. Chapter 11: Detention starts

_To all my lovely reviewers: _

_Thank you so much! You make me smile! And without the inspirational cookies :-) progress would be much slower indeed._

* * *

**11 Detention starts**

**10 January 2000**

"Mr. Malfoy, is meanwhile everything fully arranged for your stay?"

Hermione, who had put all effort she could muster into concentrating on her book over dinner, flinched slightly at hearing the so familiar smooth voice unexpectedly behind her.

"I was assured that it is as arranged as it'll ever get," Draco answered, deprecation clearly audible in his voice, which made Hermione grin. The Hogwarts experience for her was more authentic with a Malfoy around, but she nevertheless hoped, he would not side with the people baiting her.

"I shall rest assured in the knowledge that such high-level complaints are thank-worthily a sign of an otherwise problem-free life," Severus snarled.

Hermione, with her back to both men, now grinned broadly.

"Should you happen to have real complaints, come to my office between nine and ten," the smooth voice added. A small lump formed in her stomach, a trace of jealousy due to Severus' offer for Draco to have a chat about the day. Simultaneously her lip twitched slightly when she recognized that interpreting Slytherin-talk meanwhile came naturally to her.

It had already been about four hours ago that she had regretted having passed up Severus offer to drop by under the guise of officially serving detentions tonight. Hermione had wanted to make it on her own and not to be dependent on Severus, who here at school in fact was head of a competing House as well. The Manchester Christmas bubble was over.

Her musings were interrupted when she heard the same smooth voice that had just talked to Draco saying her name behind her back. "Miss Granger, you want to be careful with library property." Instantly Hermione loosened her grip on the book, the page was slightly crumpled already. _Maybe I'm more strained than I thought_, she mused. "And keep chewing, detention starts in half an hour. _Don't_ be late!"

She looked after him when he swirled out of the Great Hall. The notion that he had ignored her wish and ordered her to a private meeting with him tonight made the lump in her stomach dissolve that had formed due to his offer for Draco. She had felt him watching her during meals and he must have recognized her tension. While she finished her vegetables, Hermione became aware that she would surely indeed be serving detentions, likely additionally to a private chat, and she secretly crossed her fingers that this first session would indeed be completely supervised by his private and not his teacher persona. She could do with some support in adapting to the new old situation.

.o.O.o.

_For goodness sake you've slept in one bed with him. Why are you nervous now?_ _Exactly because of that_, she concluded for herself. Hermione kept debating inwardly on her way down to the dungeons trying to calm herself. It took her three deep breaths to finally knock at his office door, but now, there in the doorframe, he was: Semi-private Severus with only his white button-down shirt and a waistcoat on. He stepped aside to let her enter and Muffliatoed his office after having closed the door behind them.

"Good evening," she greeted nervously.

Severus, who assessed her standing there with folded arms and insecurity written all over her form, simply pulled Hermione into a hug. They had had Potions class today and their new personal relationship was challenged by its secrecy and the hierarchical environment here at school; and of course by the fact that this place didn't qualify to ensure the feelings of safety she had had back in Spinner's End.

"How was your first day?" he asked.

"Better than expected in some ways and not so much in others. Yours?"

He chuckled shortly.

"Accurate summary. How about telling me over tea who I have to skin before preparing the first stage of the beautiful painkiller?"

She impulsively clung to his suit, while the feeling of inappropriateness competed with her relief that he indeed was private Severus tonight.

"Of course only after we've finished this," he whispered and continued simply holding her until she was ready to let go.

Brewing together was relaxing, Severus admitted to himself, but when the hourglass chimed 9.30 o'clock, he called it a day for her.

"Severus, what about detentions? I know you handed out daily attendance until the NEWTS and that my firstborn will take over when starting school here, but how have you planned it in detail?"

"The consequences for your offspring are, sadly for him or her, not open to discussion, but I'm willing to modify yours to current needs."

He grinned.

"I better don't speculate about the possibility of me having no child at all and how this may affect the long term effects of my punishment," she weighed in.

He fully turned towards her now.

"I even _insist_ to refrain from speculating about such a waste of promising genes in favor of talking about the near future."

Quickly she busied herself with cleaning to distract from the pain over the baby problem that surely showed in her face despite being sweetened by his compliment, which was neither vague nor with much potential of misinterpretation. In the last second, she remembered the tragic love story between Harry's mum and him and swallowed a comment on how his having no kids as one of the most talented Potions master and powerful wizards in their world was a waste too. Severus simply continued, when she didn't speak.

"I expect you here the next two days. Then detentions will be handled according to what circumstances call for."

"Always at this short notice? I mean it's hard for me to plan, when I'm-,"

"-at my mercy?" he asked and tried not to show his emotions on her implication.

Now she stared into his eyes. "I searched for a positively connoted expression," she said firmly.

"I promised academic usefulness, remember? And I don't intend bossing you around."

"I don't intend to be trouble," she returned.

Severus smirked now. "Well, we mustn't forget that you're a Gryffindor, so you might cause- _well-intended_ trouble anyways," he said mockingly and she made a face.

"See, it starts already: Rude faces for your professor during detentions. Not even considerate enough to make them behind his back-," he said with feigned indignation.

"- nah, you ended them for tonight already," she intervened chuckling.

"It nevertheless shows that I shouldn't start the new term with negligence towards students from especially-, say, _rebellious_ Houses and thus I'll just start making plans for your offspring. And should you realize in January 2020 that you've indeed wasted your genes, I expect _you_ here for detentions on Tuesdays and Thursdays at seven, starting on- wait-," he stopped and counted, "the 14th. Understood?"

She chuckled. "I don't know what's more shocking, that you think I indeed do plan that far ahead or that you obviously plan to still teach here in twenty years. I'll definitely be here on the 14th and already around six for dinner as surely not a single minute must be wasted for talking you out of this, because I obviously won't have been successful doing so with the numerous letters I will have written and tea-times I will have forced on you," she teased.

Feeling his heart skip a beat at the implication of their maintained contact, his lips curled up into a smirk. "Dinner sounds reasonable." Severus managed to stop himself before his lips made contact with her forehead and instead just hugged her shortly. "Off you go now. You need to be fit for classes and detention."

.o.O.o.

On Tuesday night after they had finished stage two of the potion and were cleaning the utensils, Hermione decided to try to take advantage of his generous attitude towards her of late. At least she felt that she'd do exactly this with her request.

"Sir, may I ask a favor?"

Her formal approach and guilty tone rang a bell with Severus.

"You may. If I grant it is a totally different matter," he answered and eyed her enquiringly.

This admittedly made her nervous, but backing down was out of the question now. Staring at her hands while polishing the knife she had used for chopping, she started, "Now that NEWTS prep really turns into the focus, I feel like needing some clarity regarding my achievements in Transfiguration and Defense. Remus is open to discourse, he asked me into his office tomorrow, but Minerva is- not happy with me, as was to be expected, and I'm sure I continuously won't receive any feedback on anything I hand in," she looked at him now, "Could you please read two of them from last term that I had some issues with and give me a feedback?"

Severus pierced her with his gaze once again taken aback by the older woman's behavior, while Hermione felt her muscles cramp under his stare, which suddenly seemed to trigger an anxiety attack. She kept mentally telling herself that it was okay to have asked this and begged her body to believe that there was no need to panic, because her brain knew this very well. Nevertheless, she felt like trying to smooth out the range of her request.

"I know it's not your special field and you're not my Head of House, but maybe just a general opinion-," she said shakily. Suddenly she couldn't believe that she had dared shouting at this man only about a fortnight ago.

"How do you know she's read them at all?" he asked ignoring her question.

"I don't, but she signed them all."

She recognized that she really somehow was afraid of his reaction. His teacher persona in the school environment had undoubtedly left an impression over the years and that he additionally seemed distanced and annoyed right now didn't help. On comparing the emotional turmoil that had presented itself during the holidays in his house with the relatively low number of anxiety attacks, the level of safety she had felt there became clear. Some minor incident – and this conversation didn't even qualify as one at all since she was just asking for academic help – would not have triggered panic there. The hostile school environment impacted her heavily and the loss of proximity already got to her. Two weeks hadn't sufficed to sustainably fill her mental storage for closeness and reassurance – of course not! The sudden attack tightened its grip, her neck got clammy and her heart pounded heavily; time to concentrate on breathing.

"I don't want to take advantage, sir, I just-," she trailed off, her voice hoarse and slightly despaired at the arising sickness she felt now.

The voice corresponded well with her increasingly paling face, which made the Potions master postpone calculating possible steps on staff level in favor of focusing on the unsettled young woman in front of him. He had originally intended to put some distance between them tonight in order to ease both their transition, but at the sight of her, he dropped this plan immediately.

"You're surely not, you crazy witch! Let's go," Severus suddenly shoved her towards the door and only then recognized the knife in her hand and the white knuckles.

"I could put it aside for you for classes if you like it that much."

He tried to sound airily, hoping to relax her. Instead he saw big brown desperate eyes locking with his. Severus reacted immediately, he had no intention to make her concede her inability to let go of the knife out loud, so he took her hand in his and softly rubbed along her cramping fingers.

"You're doing great in facing your demons," he was interrupted by a sob, "I'll walk you to your quarters and you give me your essays. I'll read them until tomorrow and we'll talk them through during detentions. It's not taking advantage."

He continued the rubbing and Hermione fought crying with relief about his attitude and that he hadn't simply defined the scope of his and Remus' responsibilities in dismissal of her question.

"Thank you." Her body slowly relaxed and the knife fell on the table. As if oblivious to it, Severus now stretched her fingers and stroked them lengthwise. Hermione resisted the desire to snuggle up to him.

"I won't butter you up."

"I know. I really want _your_ opinion."

"Masochist."

"That's cheating, Draco blabbed it," she teased.

"Puh," he smirked. "Blood circulation alright again?" He squeezed her hand.

"Yes, thanks. I was nervous," she conceded.

"Understandable! After all I might have asked you to give me your firstborn in exchange for my service," he squeezed her hand.

"You're close enough to such demands, Rumpelstiltskin."

She chuckled and he joined in.

"Panic attack due to asking for academic help and daring to call me Rumpelstiltskin within ten minutes. Merlin! That brain of yours works in mysterious ways," he shook his head theatrically, "Let's go now, my well-intended troublemaker."

.o.O.o.

They walked in silence and Hermione dwelled on the fact that Muggle-related jokes where not lost on him. In her quarters Hermione went for Accioing the two essays from her desk with all the piled-up papers on it, while Severus secretly put a tiny parcel onto her sofa. He looked around the room and his lips twitched slightly at the sight of the overboarding bookshelves. Otherwise the room was minimalist and very cozy. She had hexed the obligatory colors of sofa and armchairs from Gryffndor scarlet to a neutral grey.

Focusing on the essays in his hands he arched his signature eyebrow at her. "Give me the rest of the unmarked ones and the ones Lupin didn't feedback on."

Hermione looked stricken.

"Oh, he'll do that now," she answered, while the other unmarked essays landed in Severus' hands.

"I'll take them anyway," he beckoned to her to finally Accio the missing papers for him.

"When is your appointment?"

"Tomorrow, after the last class."

He nodded thoughtfully.

"I'll read the Defense essays first and feedback on them tomorrow during lunch break and then you take them to Lupin to get his as well," he told her.

"He already said that he'll do this. You really don't have to do extra work- especially not overnight," she said guiltily.

"Good to hear he rediscovered his sense of duty as well, but I'd like to make sure, it'll be fair. It's a bit early for you to trust him fully," he arched his eyebrow at her.

She got the message, advanced him and tilted her head slightly.

"I still don't make trust allowances without deserving actions," she ensured and Severus nodded approvingly before closing the last distance between them and pressing a kiss on her hair.

"You'll want to use an Enlargement Charm on something on your sofa," he half-whispered, before adding in a normal voice, "Sleep tight. I see you tomorrow at 12.45 _sharp_ in my office."

He waited in front of her door until he heard a small howl of joy. _In love with my blanket_, he mused. It warmed his heart and in the darkness of the corridor he allowed himself to smile.


	14. Chapter 12: Your soup cauldron

**12 Your soup cauldron**

**27 January 2000**

On having returned to Hogwarts in September it had become her habit to sit facing the main aisle that divided the Great Hall lengthwise. The irony of feeling safer with her back to the Slytherin table than to whoever may or may not walk along behind her back and jinx her wasn't lost on her as wasn't the fact that she, regardless of the constant vigilance regarding said _whoever_, never had her wand ready. It was tucked-up in her sleeve as usual and she would not use it against every threat either. Hexes from everyday student trouble would make her draw her wand, but those were not the ones that made her sit facing the aisle. No, the people whom she most likely would let have their way were the reason. She wanted to see them coming and most of all having to face her. If they wanted blood revenge in the end, they would have to mean it. They would have to look her in the eye. She wouldn't act all self-abandoned.

.o.O.o.

In the end of January three of said people just walked through the door of the Great Hall and headed for the Head Table. At least two of them caused an increasing murmur ending in applause and very many pats on the back. They hadn't seen her. This was due to another habit: sitting at the beginning of the long Gryffindor table, directly at the entrance. People at first usually look into the distance of a room to get an overview and only then focus on details. With the greatness of the Hall, this was surely only about to happen when having stepped well into it. Thus, the first ten people sitting close to the entrance had a good chance of staying unnoticed the longest. This was to Hermione's liking.

The teachers at the Head Table seemed to have noticed the tumult as well and curious gazes scanned the hall. Hermione fought the urge to search for Severus' look. The more she saw of him, the harder their lost proximity became to bear. She had the ring of course, but it rested on her bedside table. What use would there be for him to know how she felt, but being stuck someplace else. And she also didn't fancy the feeling that he knew and wouldn't come. Above all she didn't want him to know that her overall emotional state was one to cause the ring to warm up. No, it was time to get a grip and care for herself again. She wasn't a child and living her own life. At least she wasn't on the receiving end of his bashing anymore. A tiny nagging fear inside her that this would be well within the range of possibilities after having settled-in again had remained. The first three weeks of school, however, had been pleasantly peaceful so far.

The same seemed to go for Draco. As far as she was able to witness he had two housemates, who valued his presence at least for meals and walking between classes. So he wasn't alone and while that made her happy on his behalf, it didn't do much for her own wellbeing. There was this jealous voice telling her that an ex-Death Eater was valued more than she was. Well, maybe Draco's company had a dubious attitude, but at least regarding Louis du Monceau Hermione was rather convinced from the opposite and hoped for Draco's sake that she was right.

"Harry! Ron! Ginny! It's a pleasure to have you here again!" Minerva exclaimed on their arrival and distracted Hermione from musing. The three of them were less loud in answering and shaking staff hands. It seemed that Harry was still the humble young man she had been friends with.

Being careful not to stare at the Head Table to indulge at least in the sight of the young man whose friendship she missed so dearly, she tried to keep her emotions at bay to prevent an anxiety attack by focusing on breathing and slowly sipping her pumpkin juice. As soon as they would have settled at the table and their fans would huddle around them, she would take her silent leave.

"Sit down at your House table, you three," Minerva addressed the trio and then the rest of the students in an ear-piercing voice, "Silence! Until the weekend some former students of Hogwarts that were prevented from taking their NEWTS due to reasons known to all of you, will stay here to take some tests, so you may calm down now since you'll all get a chance to approach them."

Her announcement was appreciated by cheerful applause, especially loud at the Gryffindor table. Hermione looked in their direction and unexpectedly found herself meeting familiar green eyes. It was unexpected that she couldn't see distaste in them, but then she turned her gaze away again suddenly feeling sick. Now the urge to leave nearly overwhelmed her, but right now it would look like running away and they would see- _all of them_. And although she shouldn't care, she did, as she preferred not giving anyone any satisfaction regarding this.

Right now Hermione achingly missed Severus' reassuring physical presence, which added to her strain as did the question if he had known about the trio's visit and not told her. The feeling of loneliness, a meanwhile old companion, was creeping through her and when it seemed to have reached every fiber of her body it became indeed unbearable – not due to being surrounded by hundreds of students, but due to the presence of people she liked and with whom she couldn't converse freely or who wouldn't civilly converse with her. More pumpkin juice then: she sipped it slowly and concentrated on exactly two breaths in between in an attempt to keep her wits about her.

As typical for him Severus had schooled his face to blankness at the show before him. When the three of them had been greeted by Minerva he had scanned the room and witnessed Hermione's fight for composure and Draco's glance, cold as ice. In the moment that Severus had decided to walk over to the young woman in order to maneuver her out of the hall by false pretenses, he saw Draco getting up from behind her. The blond man approached the Gryffindor table with the Malfoys' signature expression of haughtiness in the face of the unworthy and Severus intuitively stayed put.

A voice next to her startled Hermione.

"I know you'd love to reunite with the hero now, but _I_ don't intend wasting my time for this. Afternoon classes are about to start and it's my turn with the books," Draco said snottily.

"Ahem-, books?" she stared at him incomprehensively.

"Really now, Granger? You of all people! Yes, books. Sheets of paper, bound together within covers. Remember? But if you prefer it, I could always get Professor Snape to remind you of our arrangement," he said warningly.

Suddenly it clicked and Hermione rose to her feet.

"It would have been decent to let me at least swallow the last bite before approaching, Malfoy. An undisturbed lunch break is obviously asked too much."

"Sorry to rain on your parade," Draco mocked, "but time flies." He tapped at his pocket watch.

"_My_ parade is perfectly dry and our arrangement didn't imply conversation," she sneered and stalked past him to the exit.

They both felt gazes on them, but steadily walked out of the Great Hall, through the entrance hall and into the corridor where Hermione's quarters were.

"Where are we going?" Draco asked quietly in case they were overheard somehow.

"My quarters. You need books to render our story plausible," she returned and when they had reached her door she thought the password and the door swung open and closed firmly behind them.

"Sit down where you like," she offered, but then came to think. "If you want to stay, that is, otherwise there is the bookshelf. Non-fictional books are in the upper four rows, just choose some as alibi." Hermione was suddenly unsure.

Shooting her an incomprehensive look, Draco settled into the sofa.

"Why are you not in the dorm in Gryffindor Tower?"

"I'm just tolerated and they like to pretend I'm not here. So the guest quarters."

"This would have been useful information," Draco said somewhat reproachfully. "We could have inconspicuously met," he added, but then saw Hermione's now incomprehensive look and pressed his lips together facing down with a sudden fear of being rejected. This was an unexpected feeling and having it unsettled him.

Hermione smiled.

"Oh-, I didn't expect you- well, yes. Are yours in the dungeons?"

The young man visibly relaxed now.

"I'm given the honor to suffer through being a Malfoy in the dorm amidst all those wondrously, but of course only superficially sainted Slytherins," he said sourly.

"Hmm, to make up for your tragedy, I trust I only have these quarters at all, because they like to pretend I'm not here, which would be challenging given the obligatory paperwork should the whore known for collateral damage have an 'accident' in the tower amongst all those Gryffindor saints," Hermione said, trying to sound airily, but Draco was irritated by her openness and watched her vigilantly. "I'm a bit off-track. I'm still struggling with readapting to being on my own again and what I need least of all is the new trio to be here rubbing it in. Ahem, before I forget: Thank you for having spared me to look like a coward," she said.

"Don't mention it. I just saw the weasel shooting you this murderous look and then, well, I put two and two together and thought I might have a go for it."

Now Hermione was glad that she had refrained from letting her gaze wander to Ron and Ginny.

"What twos did you put together?"

"Holidays at Severus' - obviously. Your frail condition, your _not-_family, the looks, the talks-, the _tales _about 'the whore known for collateral damage' in the old Prophets I read this week," he said calmly.

The notion that he knew the whole range now was unsettling despite their well-disposed enmity, as they called it, of late. That was a lot of easy ammo in the hands of a pro like him. Memories of his disgust for her popped-up again and she deliberately avoided looking at him.

"We are nearly late for Potions," she dismissed them.

Before heading for the door she looked at the two books on Runes Draco had chosen.

"I'll need them back tomorrow. I still haven't quite managed to finish the Runes' homework."

"That's actually why I took them," he admitted smilingly, "I'm also still catching up with that- of course and Spellman's Syllabary wasn't really helpful so far."

Hermione hummed in approval.

"I'll read them tonight. If I find out, I'll fill you in tomorrow morning before class," he offered enthusiastically on their way out.

Completely taken by surprise, Hermione suddenly smiled.

"I'd like that. You could just drop by here," she offered and before continuing to walk, she added, "Ahem, we better walk separately to the classroom."

Draco nodded and gallantly allowed her a head start.

At the classroom door he had caught up with her again as she stood frozen in the doorframe and only managed to turn slightly away from the opening in which Draco now came to a halt instead. Not only her fellow Gryffindors, but also most of the Slytherins had surrounded the trio and they could hear Ron telling a wild Quidditch story to his excited audience.

Unexpectedly, a warm hand touched her back and a velvety voice reached her ear.

"Breathe-," Severus said lowly and she felt his thumb slowly stroking her shoulder blade, "Head up high-, breathe again-, now walk."

When she had followed his instructions Severus shoved both youngsters into the room and flicked the door shut with a bang behind him.

"Silence! Whoever hasn't done so far, look at the blackboard and sit down accordingly—now!" he growled and with a swirl walked to the front of the room while all students hurried into their newly assigned seats. On turning around he looked at the two he had just shoved inside. They had impassively remained where he had left them watching their classmates.

"Since class has started with my entering I strongly suggest that you Mr. Malfoy instantly move into the back row and that Miss Granger follows. Be here early next time so you're up to date," he arched an eyebrow at them before addressing the whole class, "The time for working with a partner of your choice is over," he snarled. "It's only four months until the NEWTS and the performance of the whole class is lacking. I've vigilantly watched your work for two weeks of the new term now and decided for some changes. From now on you'll work in teams of two. Your team partner is whoever is right now directly sitting next to you. I ensure you that I'm not in the least interested in your preferences or antipathy towards each other. I strongly advise you to arrange with your partner for the next 90 minutes, because you'll not only brew together, but also receive the same mark in the end."

It was unusual but some Slytherins indeed dared to moan at his announcement.

"Sir, that's not fair for those burdened with a handicap," Leander exclaimed and some fellow Slytherins mumbled in agreement.

"And what, Mr. Marquardt, would qualify as a handicap in your case?"

Leander nodded at his partner Howard Drummond, a Gryffindor, who qualified as the next Neville. That poor boy simply wasn't talented at all regarding Potions. Sadly also nothing more than average in most other subjects as well. He could fly though and was the new Quidditch seeker for Gryffindor, which at least wrenched some respect from his fellow housemates.

"And Draco now has the same problem with the-," Leander added.

"Choose your words wisely, Mr. Marquardt," Severus growled before looking at the blonde man. "Mr. Malfoy, do you feel handicapped?"

"I do, but not having rehearsed properly is really something I cannot blame Granger for. Thus, dauntingly challenged rather," Draco answered pensively.

Severus addressed the whole class again.

"Distribute the work between you according to your respective resources. Should you have complaints, share them with your friends after class. I'll decide about the final team composition after having checked the tests of Mr. Potter and his friends, who will join the teams next week."

Ron's moan on this information was ignored by the dark man.

"Mr. Potter, I recommend you remember what I think of your celebrity status and of encouraging or dwelling on it while in my classroom. The three of you will write a test for which you have sixty minutes. You'll start when the other students start brewing. Until then feel free to brush up your knowledge." Severus now turned to the class.

"As for the rest, you'll brew the Wound-Cleaning Potion today. You should still be familiar with it from sixth year, so with your NEWTS in mind, try to remember the process. No books. One minute to make up your mind and then get your ingredients. In order to support your _heroes_ here in the front I'd suggest you refrain from the slightest chattering while brewing. And now start," Severus finished.

Hermione pulled herself together and walked past the trio to collect their potions ingredients. On her way back Ron made a sudden movement towards her with the leg that pointed at the aisle and she was glad her reflexes prevented her from spilling it all on the floor. Thanks to the fact that they all feared the Potions master no one dared to make more noise than necessary.

"Mr. Weasley, I strongly suggest controlling your extremities, otherwise you'll find yourself cleaning my classroom floor and restocking my supplies tonight," Severus menacingly growled.

"I only stretched my-," was as far as Ron came, when Harry elbowed him in the ribs.

Severus now practically towered over the red-haired man.

"Don't argue! And now put your books away and take quill and parchment. You'll start in two minutes," Severus said menacingly lowly-voiced and in exactly this manner he also addressed the rest of the class, "No more chatting for anyone."

Satisfied, Severus saw that his menacing potential was still superb since the complete silence prove that they collectively felt sufficiently intimidated. He Accioed the test sheets and gestured the trio to start their work.

Suppressing the urge to punch that red-haired idiot into next week for his behavior, he secretly looked at the back row. His pixies seemed to be relaxed in each other's presence and just like at the door before, they stood closer to each other than the space asked for, which underlined Severus' intuitive assumption that Draco's approach of her at lunch an hour ago had been tactical. At the notion that they might indeed become something like real friends, he felt a sting of jealousy, immediately followed by a bad conscience. Hermione needed a friend. Draco needed a friend. But he knew this was not about need or lack of options anymore, they were simply taking to each other and Severus felt increasingly excluded. _You are their teacher. Pull yourself together!_

.o.O.o.

About an hour later, Severus had seen enough jog trot and decided to intervene before Hermione would cut herself. On advancing the last row he was stopped by the sound of a vial smashing on the floor behind him. The room fell totally silent and everyone watched the mess Howard had just created. Hermione sympathized with him, since his clumsiness was surely due to extreme nervousness for being in Professor Snape's class and above all crowned with a partner like cockily aggressive Leander. The latter was stunned and in the second that he wanted to shout something at Howard, Severus voice silenced him.

"Step back Mr. Drummond," Severus ordered the petrified Gryffindor, "The rest of you return to your task, no talking."

"Professor, are we really marked together?" Leander now asked.

"I said no talking, Mr. Marquardt," Severus said less menacingly than expected.

"But sir, I mean, I didn't let it fall down."

"Five points from Slytherin for insolence. Mr. Marquardt, are you having a vial of your own?"

"No, you said-"

"So would you rather be marked according to your non-existent vial or according to the contents of the one that just broke?" he asked airily and was satisfied with the sheepish look on Leander's face. The self-righteous arrogance of this boy reminded him strongly of the young Draco and after having hunkered down in front of the liquid on the floor Severus allowed himself some seconds of distraction by the realization of how much Draco had indeed changed within the last month only. Better than anyone, Severus knew about the significance of who loves you, for what reasons and how they show it. Hermione and he had apparently done a good job so far in patiently navigating Draco towards his real self. And he surely still had way to go.

Severus ditched his finger into the potion, smelled and then tasted it before getting up again.

"Exceed Expectations. Mr. Marquardt you clean the mess on the floor, Mr. Drummond the utensils- by hand. Be more careful with my equipment next time."

The silence was now noticeably one of incomprehensible astonishment. Not only had the grim Potions master taken points from his own House, but he had also marked the result fair although the mess had been caused by the negligence of the already disfavoured Gryffindor team mate.

Lost in thoughts about Severus' unexpected behavior, Hermione startled slightly at his voice in front of her.

"Next time you're planning to make a- _soup_, bring your apron so no one confuses you with a brewer. You'll get a second chance tonight at seven. You are well advised to know the preparation steps by heart by then. You are dismissed, Mr. Malfoy may continue alone."

Hermione simply stared at him.

"Is anything unclear Miss Granger?" he asked calmly.

"No, sir," she whispered, gathered her stuff loosely in her hands and headed for her quarters to give-in to a proper nervous breakdown before dinner. And above all, real detentions were no longer cancelled.

.o.O.o.

At seven precisely she knocked at his office door and as it swung open, he stepped outside and without a word shoved her to the Potions classroom door where Draco was waiting already. Puzzled though she was, she had no intention of questioning any of them. Hermione longed for more sleep and after nearly three weeks she was still busy getting used to the lack of Severus' physical presence here at school. To put it plainly: She missed him and wished she could have dwelled a bit longer on his warm hand on her back.

They followed their teacher into the room and sat down in the front row.

"You skipped dinner," Draco stated quietly.

Hermione nodded. "I slept."

"I knocked at your door earlier," he added somewhat reproachfully.

Hermione looked flabbergasted at this revelation. Draco had been concerned enough to seek her out. He had obviously been serious about what he had said about meeting earlier. She was pleased.

They were interrupted by Severus.

"You can chat in your free time," he said lowly-voiced and both youngsters fell silent. "I changed tonight's plan. You are both here as I want you to write a test similar to that our _cherished guests_ took today." He didn't even try to hide his sarcasm. "After having once again witnessed both your _cooking_ skills in class today, I decided that an assessment of your status quo wouldn't go amiss. Especially given that you," he nodded at Hermione, "are not making the progress I hoped you would."

"I'm sorry," she said automatically though not knowing what for – maybe for disappointing herself; for being unable to find her overambitious inner swot again that valued knowledge above everything and gained it restlessly. And it seemed to get worse even, since the probably strictest and most demanding teacher around had just surprised her with an unannounced test and she didn't panic. Goodness, was she already beyond repair?

"This is not about apologies," the dark man simply returned and the absence of warmth or understanding in his voice brought her over the edge – suddenly this was too much for her. Hermione wasn't sure why, maybe because of the whole situation with the trio, the lack of proper academic progress and Severus' closeness. Right now his private self seemed far farer away than in class before. She saw the sheet in front of her and heard him talk, but didn't understand. Her ears buzzed slightly. Automatically she focused on breathing to prevent a panic attack.

When someone squeezed her hand she looked up and into black eyes, which assessed her vigilantly.

"Whenever you are ready, _Miss Granger_," he emphasized sociably.

She nodded, but remained motionless otherwise. On a whim Severus threw a privacy charm over them both and hunkered down next to her desk to be on eye level before squeezing her hand again to get her attention. This felt more than awkward in this room. "Hermione, this is nothing you can fail at or disappoint with. But as your teacher I need you to give your best now to help me evaluate your STATUS QUO to ensure you'll pass your NEWTS. And I mean not just somehow, but brilliantly. Alright?" he asked and smiled at her encouragingly.

"Alright," she returned blankly although being aware of his amiability, "I think I'm a bit off-track."

"I gathered as much. We'll talk later, but now you start!" he commanded gently and while squeezing her hand once again, he got up and lifted the charm.

After having finished she was glad for the nap she had taken and that Severus only wanted notes from them, not sentences and thus forty-five minutes had sufficed for it.

"Mr. Malfoy you may go and come back half past nine. Until then do some learning-, _read a potions book_," Severus suggested, "Miss Granger, today's cauldron is waiting for you."

Draco was confused by his attitude. Only an hour ago Severus had mentioned her poor progress.

"Did I get it wrong before or shouldn't we both better be learning?" Draco asked and Hermione's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Pardon?" Severus sneered, "Miss Granger is serving detentions and _oh- I forgot._ Mr. Malfoy, help me, since when get students to determine the contents of detentions?"

"I thought-"

"And you're doing yourself great credit with this, but it's essentially what you were supposed to do until three minutes ago-. You cleaned both your utensils after class, she cleans your- _soup _cauldron now."

The younger man, however, refused to let go of the topic.

"If she finished before you, could she learn until you've finished checking?" Draco asked.

Hermione had stopped hiding her confusion about his behavior. She thought he had a good point, but couldn't see his intentions in challenging his Head of House like this and on her behalf. Just like Severus she simply stared at him.

"You may," he said very slowly while facing her, "I trust you to do the cleaning unsupervised and to not complain to Minerva about my _lax detention administration_." With the faintest flicker of a grin Severus swirled through the door leading to his office.

Draco Accioed a bucket of soapy water and a sponge and started to clean the cauldron. Hermione simply kept starring.

"What are you doing, Draco?" she whispered.

"Oh Velve, that's too Gryffindor. You can actually see it," he returned snidely.

"Spare me that. You know I'll have to do another one anyways, don't you? Or two, if he's adequately pissed- or you'll get another one, too. What I want to say is that you're probably not really helping anyone here. Better be off learning a bit," she returned, suddenly longing for this chance, too.

"I solved the Runes' riddle with an older book from Blishen that he referred to in _Advanced Rune Translation_. I found it in the library and if I don't have a major understanding issue, it is actually rather simple, but I wanted to precautiously discuss it with you. So start scrubbing, would you?" he said eagerly.

Hermione had returned to just staring and the only thing she managed to do was not to gape like a fish. She saw a completely new Draco in front of her. The, usually, arrogant snob of a pureblood wizard wanted to share his knowledge with her and even got so excited about it that he willingly scrubbed a cauldron with her – the Muggle way. She had to suppress the sudden urge to call Severus and check if he saw it too or if she got delusional.

"Start!" he ordered her sternly and sounded slightly like Severus.

Hermione gathered herself and smiled. She would gladly scrub another cauldron just for this feeling right now.

They had finished everything after twenty minutes and sat down in the back row to talk about the Runes' riddle. None of them recognized Severus at the door, who had gotten irritated by their animated chatter and now watched them sharing knowledge. He had the test results ready and they were expectedly lacking, but probably not only in his class, thus he decided for pedagogical usefulness and let them dwell on their learning for a bit more.

.o.O.o.

After having roared back into his signature teacher mode by half nine and sufficiently telling them off for dawdling away their school career, he provided them both with a learning list the processing of which should lead to having caught up with the rest of the seventh year students within four weeks. The youngsters looked shell-shocked.

"Miss Granger, I've decided to change detentions for you pending further notice. Mr. Malfoy, you'd be well advised to listen as well. This plan goes for the two of you." He assessed them both now. "You'll be learning tomorrow night and over the weekend. Monday night you'll be able to answer questions on point one to ten on the list. Then I'll provide you with another goal, which will be due Friday night. Thus, you'll be at my quarters at seven on Mondays and Fridays and the time Miss Granger would usually spend here in detentions will be used for learning and _not_ socializing," he said very slowly, but stopped at the sight of Draco's furrowed brows, "_What _is it?"

"Seriously-, have you met us?" the young man asked.

"Granted," Severus lip twitched slightly, "Should you have questions you're welcome to ask. But try to solve them as a team before bothering me and I strongly advise to be prepared for our appointments- otherwise _measures will be taken_. Nod, when we are clear on that," he commanded.

They both did and mumbled their thank yous, obviously flabbergasted: Severus Snape had just offered his support and had even provided them with a learning schedule.

Hermione side-glanced at Draco to see if he had also filtered Severus' niceness out of his not exactly commonly amenable speech. He looked pleased, too. Well, he was a Slytherin after all. Despite their private caring experience with him, being offered personal training in school by his teacher persona surely felt oddly nice to both of them.

"Miss Granger, next time, you'll do the assigned tasks the way I ordered you to. Am I understood?"

Severus recognized satisfied that Hermione at least had the decency to blush.

"Yes sir."

He leaned towards them now.

"And from Monday onwards, I expect the two students with the capacity of being top in my class to attend lessons in proper brewer rather than _pixie_ mode. Better save that one for birthdays," he finished and offered them a smile, which they slowly returned. "Detention is over. I suggest postponing tea until Monday evening. But I'd like to talk with you, Hermione. If you have a minute?" he asked.

"Of course," she said and heard the irritation in her voice herself.

It was totally surreal to have him change between teacher-student and whatever-whatever relationship in the blink of an eye.

"I'll need to get your books anyway. I'll be waiting at your quarters," Draco said and then smiled at the older man, "Thank you Severus, good night."

Draco was full of surprises tonight and Hermione allowed herself to dwell on it. Given that he seemed authentic and relaxed about this, she had decided to trust him.

Severus interrupted both their thoughts: his were circling around the sting of jealousy he felt towards Draco and their date at her door.

"How are you now?"

Turning around to him, she tilted her head slightly.

"I have just been chastised, punished, offered help, and complimented by the strictest and most critical teacher of this school- I'm totally fine," she answered hoarsely.

Severus twitched his lips.

"Yes, that one seems to be having a special day today, I heard he managed not to skin a certain misbehaving redhead today."

"And the Quidditch league greatly owes him for his restraint, but there were far more impressive things he did in class today," she answered.

Severus heard and saw that she was honest about this and couldn't deny that he liked the feeling this evoked.

"Had I known that Hogwarts would be hosting celebrities today, I'd have informed you."

She nodded. "Thank you for- _everything_ today."

He nodded. The situation became slightly uncomfortable again due to what was yearned for, but couldn't be asked for or offered. Hermione started fidgeting.

"Good night, Severus."

"Good night," he smoothed.

The velvety voice put her over the edge and made her stride towards him. Coming to a halt with practically no distance between them anymore, she just made to encircle his waist, but suddenly found herself hugged close. She instantly melted against him.

"You're welcome anytime. And maybe think about wearing the ring," Severus whispered into her hair.

"I know. But I'm not a child. I want to manage it on my own."

"That's what you do by seeking out support if necessary,"

"I rather just seek out this," she whispered nearly inaudible.

"Anytime," his voice was shaky.

When Hermione tightened her embrace in reply, he put one hand to massage her scalp and pressed a kiss on top of her head as had become a habit. Merlin, he missed her and their closeness and knew about the inappropriateness.

.o.O.o.

Draco waited behind a suit of armor next to her door and once inside they prepared tea before settling into the armchairs. After having discussed Severus' behavior, especially the complimenting and supporting part, they found themselves planning their leeway make-up in Runes and Potions for a start. Interestingly their plan had evolved around the implicitness of the two of them forming a study team.

After nearly two hours Hermione absently mused whether Draco found their companionship here in school as pleasingly irritating as she did. She couldn't help but feeling some need to be cautious – after all they had a history in which he had loathed her for _what_ she couldn't help being. However, he had overcome his underlying aggression for four weeks now. Nevertheless, she was bound to see that he still was Draco Malfoy, the Slytherin. But one, who had rescued her today based on his intuition and who, of his own accord, had done house elf chores the Muggle way just to be able to help her academically afterwards and without negative strings attached for her. That, she decided, was more than enough.

"I should sneak back to my dorm," Draco said wearily and obviously lacking enthusiasm at the prospect.

Hermione focused back on him from her place in the huge armchair.

"Should you need a sanctuary from all the _saints _in the dungeons, you're welcome on my sofa."

"Do I appear to you as the guy on the sofa?"

"Ooh. Sorry, I forgot that the armchair-incident in Spinner's End was a slip and nothing to go by. Of course even the humble likes of I gather that only a four-poster bed in an airy bedroom with connected bath and butler service would be befitting your rank, Mr. Malfoy, sir. But I also trust that the protocol of your superior social education equipped you with the sense of decency to waive your own benefit in favor of a woman, regardless of her rank," she returned and when she recognized that Draco wasn't quite sure what to make of it, added, "Sorry, bit late for sentences that long, huh? You- won't- get- my—bed, _but_ you can have the sofa. You do realize that you are a wizard, right?"

He intricately fished for his wand and held it between index finger and thumb while eying it suspiciously.

"I knew there was a reason for carrying around this ominous _stick_."

Hermione snickered and Draco joined in, but then gathered himself again.

"You wouldn't mind me staying?"

Assessing the young man with a small smile, she leaned forward.

"Shockingly no. I'd even offer you some privacy."

Flicking her wand she arranged her bookshelves to move away from the wall and two meters into the room, then she levitated the sofa into the space behind it and out of sight.

"I trust you can do a spell that transforms it into a comfy bed?" she asked with an arched eyebrow.

"I happen to have some skills as well," he said with feigned snobbishness.

"I gathered as much. Won't you be missed?"

"Missed? No. My absence recognized? Sure. They won't dare asking, however, since most of them have some concerning kind of awe for me," he said meaningfully. "But my absence will surely make for some nice rumors." Draco grinned.

"And if they ever found out, they'd never believe it in the first place and then surely would come up with great stories, I suppose. Imagine the possibilities: Slytherin, Gryffindor, man, woman, you and me of all people - the stuff rumors are made of. I happen to have some experience in the Muggle world with this as of late," Hermione said snickering.

"Would you mind some more over here?" Draco now asked cautiously.

"You know, it's as they say: Once your reputation is gone-,"

"You can boldly carry on," Draco finished for her. "That feels rather deliberating, when having a confidant, but seriously now!?"

"Not at all. I mean it could be worse for me than being associated with one of the most handsome and smart men available at this school," Hermione answered and his flabbergasted face made her snicker.

"Thank you-, I think-," he slowly said, but then gathered himself, "for not reducing me to my stunning appearance."

Her laughter was so catchy that Draco couldn't help but letting go too.

"You're welcome," she managed under her breath.

"A private connection with me might lead to more Death-Eater whore rumors and aggressions. I don't think you need those," Draco cautiously weighed in and felt his chest hurt on behalf of both of them.

Hermione assessed him. He had gone paler, while Hermione felt her cheeks burn.

"I hate this crap, I honestly _hate_ this crap! No one would give a damn had we been sorted into the same House, because then it would likely be considered as the natural course of things. It's tiring that two adults have to discuss their worries regarding a probable revelation of their- _well-disposed enmity_ due to having been sorted into different Houses when they were eleven and with the war- and education-related shit that worsened it all. I consider myself over it. Houses and an unreflected belief in rigid traits of character ascribed to them have pushed good kids like you into the arms of Voldemort and forced them to cope with horrors that shouldn't have been theirs. Three Houses and many teachers have done very little, if anything at all, to save your souls. I interact with people that convince by actions, not words regardless of the opinions of others. You should know by now, we've met some years ago already," Hermione stopped on realizing that she had gotten carried away.

Draco opposite her didn't move. Apart from swallowing hard, he simply looked at her in amazement and if he were someone else, he would surely hug her now. His antipathy towards returning to his dorm grew.

Since he didn't seem inclined to talk, Hermione continued.

"Ahem, but _you_ may want to think about how a connection with me could affect probable relationships," Hermione said.

Now Draco's gaze turned to questioning, but he still remained silent.

"Apart from the obvious nasty rumor problem, it may also attract the wrong sex. Or rather discourage the right one," she elaborated cautiously and aware that she might spook him with her indication. His blushing proved her apprehension as Draco's face was completely red now and glowed below his white-blond hair.

"What? How-," he nearly spat through gritted teeth and got to his feet.

There he was again, the familiar Draco. Hermione tilted her head and tried for a disarming smile.

"Well, apart from your confirmation just now, I'm also quite observant. I see where your looks go," she said calmly and crooked a half-smile, "and I daresay that I'm not equipped to your preferences and that I'm significantly too pale for your liking."

Draco literally fell back down into the armchair carefully avoiding her gaze.

"Where does _he_ look?" he asked after an endless minute of silence.

To prevent a too bright smile she bit her lip.

"Pale blondes. And definitely those _not_ in the habit of wearing bras."

At that Draco beamed very shortly before schooling his face back to neutrality and accepting the cup of tea Hermione handed him wordlessly.

.o.O.o.

From the drawer in her bedroom she took a plain T-shirt, a towel, one set of extra sheets and one of the pillows from her bed and put it all in the lap of the still motionless young man before squeezing his shoulder shortly and bidding him goodnight.

He only reacted when she had reached her bedroom door.

"Velve!- Sleep tight. Call it a night at seven to prepare before Runes?"

Hermione arched an eyebrow. "Impressive. You are even worse a swot than I am! I take it that we go for Os in all NEWTS, right?"

Draco nodded.

"We do now! Let's shut the critics up."

"I'm in. See you at seven." Smiling, she exaggeratingly blew him a kiss. "Sweet dreams."


	15. Chapter 13: Valentine's week

_Thank you sooo much for your lovely comments! I feel motivated. The cookies keep working :-)_

* * *

**13 Valentine's week**

**14 February – 25 February 2000**

Yes, it was Valentine's Day. Had the Great Hall been able to scream it, it wouldn't have been any more obvious. The decorations were tasteful though, but Minerva had proven her good taste with the Christmas decorations already.

Earlier than normal the hall was swept with owls, delivering love letters and small parcels to the teenagers, whose eyes very likely shone brighter than on Christmas Day. Hermione was astonished when there was a letter for her coming too; and a thick one at that. Now that it lay right above her plate she didn't touch it, just looked at the handwriting and instantly knew who it was from without knowing what to make of it. Merlin, she was lost for what to do now. A glance around showed that no one took notice of her. Why ever would they? They neither recognized his handwriting nor would it be strange to receive a letter as well. It was, after all, only strange for herself.

Hermione decided to eat a bite of her scrambled eggs, while watching the letter vigilantly. Soon she would have finished and a decision needed to be made on how to proceed further. Was it safe for her to touch it?

Miriam cleared her throat next to her. "Hermione, Jonathan sent me this. _Jo-na-than-_-!" she was obviously over the top, her face totally flushed.

This direct approach had the ability to distract Hermione. She knew the girl's name and that she was a sixth year, but otherwise had no connection to her. "Oh, I'm happy for you! Did you send him something, too?" Hermione asked sociably.

"I did, but I don't know if he recognizes it being from me," Miriam returned slightly unsettled.

"Uh, don't worry. Otherwise you'll approach him later on, carefully of course, and then you'll see how he reacts. You are in advantage since _you_ know, he sent you something. He's the one, who can only hope he hasn't misinterpreted your behavior," she soothed and it worked indeed.

The girl clearly fancied him so much that she couldn't think clearly anymore.

"You're brilliant! Thank you!" Overjoyed Miriam hugged the older girl to her and Hermione giggled with her and patted her back.

This felt like former school years, like normality, a bit like her time with Ginny. Whilst hugging, Hermione let her gaze shortly reach the Head Table, but the seat of the Potions master was empty. She could imagine how much he loathed witnessing all the love and despair bubbling out of the teenagers on this day, which made her grin even wider.

"Have fun today," Hermione said with a knowing smile and without further ado grabbed her letter and walked to her quarters.

The unobtrusive yellowy letter now lay on the table in front of her and she debated with herself whether to open it or not. There hadn't been a single try to converse with her for one and a half years and she dared not thinking about why he would start now. Hermione was quite sure that it wouldn't simply contain insults or threats. She hadn't seen disdain in his eyes a fortnight ago. On the other hand, she had received his present back together with the others and that was only about six weeks ago. Finally, it was time to leave for classes and thus the next chance to postpone reading the letter would present itself during lunch break.

.o.O.o.

"I know it's all hearts and flowers today," the Potions master started with an overly-sweet voice before snarling at them, "but I suggest contemplating what your chances for a _proper_ date-night will be if you leave this class for the hospital wing due to missing limbs caused by inattentiveness. Thus, you may want to focus back on brewing; if not for your NEWTS then at least for the sake of _love_." Severus pronounced the last word with as much disgust as he could muster and starred down his pixies in the last row, because Draco had gotten carried away whispering justifications about the way he had decided to inconspicuously spend some time with Louis tonight.

Both had spent some days discussing steps Draco could, should or should not take to walk the thin line between officially maintaining the mask of heterosexuality, but not discouraging Louis. This has resulted into plans to go out on a double date, which had been settled during breakfast. Louis was going out with Becky Greengrass, but according to Hermione's observations Louis was very likely not interested in women and the two normally weren't close, so this might just be an alibi date. An hour ago, right before the letters arrived, Draco had asked out Becky's best friend, Alison Kruger. She was, similar to all Slytherin and quite a lot of Ravenclaw girls, interested in Draco, but also seemed to be shy enough to not aggressively go for him. Hermione had objected to this, but had only convinced Draco of being polite and obliging and to treat the subject of not being interested in her any further sympathetically.

Since Draco had asked for Hermione's opinion on Louis' reaction, she had changed her usual seat at breakfast for one allowing her to watch the Slytherin table. This, it had occurred her while having tea, was prototypical teenage love-drama behavior. But she could relate. Before Potion's class had started, she had been able to confirm that Louis had beamed at the prospect of an evening spent together, especially since Draco had managed to lock eyes _with him_ while expressing his joy _to Alison_ over their date; so much for inconspicuousness. Hermione had needed to bite her lip to prevent a grin when she had witnessed this.

"Of course, sorry sir," they said in unison and focused back on chopping.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw that Louis had turned around and assessed them, looking slightly incensed. Poor him, he was obviously confused now. When looking up at Draco she witnessed him winking at his fellow Slytherin with a calming smile. And for a second time this morning she needed to bite her lip at his not so inconspicuous inconspicuousness.

"No matter how many limbs you'll have left by tonight, you'll surely still be in for a comfort shag," Hermione whispered and made Draco snort.

"Miss Granger-, I expect an essay on why attentiveness in a Potions classroom isn't just optional under consideration of different danger levels by the example of relevant potions," Severus growled and pinched her with his gaze, "Mr Malfoy you'll join Miss Granger in cleaning your utensils by hand," he said lowly-voiced, the contained menace not to be ignored.

Oh dear, she hadn't expected Severus to become that angry on recognizing his favorite Slytherin just whisper and snort. It was, however, especially unsettling that it mainly fired back on her now. Although feeling remorse, she also wondered why he reacted that strongly. Well, at least he didn't bash them openly. According to Draco's looks he apparently felt something along that line, too.

.o.O.o.

They had wanted to apologize to Severus, but he had left the moment he had dismissed the class. Something told her not to push the man right now and since her thoughts unstoppably circled around the so far unread letter she had received this morning, she wasn't as bothered about Severus' behavior as she would have been only a day ago.

Later in the evening, Hermione was snuggled up in bed with the letter on her legs. She felt like throwing up. It was fear she realized. Fear of what might be written in this not so thin letter. With a deep breath she opened it and started reading. After having read it twice she let her tears flow freely. Why now? What had changed? It was mind-boggling.

Suddenly, she bolted upright. _Was that possible?_ _Could that be or was she going crazy?_ She wanted to find out immediately so she changed back into sweater and jeans and stormed out of her quarters.

On the rather short way to her destination she saw three couples snogging behind statues. She grinned at how busy the teachers would be later on.

Standing in front of the door, she hesitated shortly, she didn't even know if he was here, then she knocked.

"Enter"

Forcing herself to calm down she greeted, "Good evening, sir."

He was surprised by her appearance since he had expected Draco and her to spend the evening together after their show today.

"Practicing appropriate behavior, are we?"

He neither got nor looked up from behind his desk.

This was not good, Hermione mused, they had really annoyed him. _Shit._

"We wanted to apologize directly after class, but didn't get the chance-," she closed the distance between them, "Severus-, I'm really sorry for having disturbed your class today. Admittedly, we were a bit over the top. But we'd never try to take advantage of you!"

Suddenly she felt like she really needed his pardon and when he finally looked at her she couldn't hide the plea in her eyes.

He nodded slightly. "Did you get the short end of the stick and must speak on behalf of team pixie now or can I expect Draco to be eating humble pie too later on?"

"I actually don't know, I came spontaneously. Although, he might really- I mean in case his alibi date were to go horribly wrong and lead to unwanted aftereffects, he might need some solace," she added and Severus looked confused at her.

"And your effort regarding this wouldn't suffice?"

"It's not quite that easy. I think offering him a drink against the school rules and having an old-fashioned talk from man to man wouldn't go amiss. I'm sure he could do with your approval of his _situation_. I mean not that he'd admit it, but- you know,"

He kept starring in confusion.

"You're not going to specify anything, are you?"

"It's really neither my circus nor my monkeys," she said in excuse.

Severus was slightly relieved that they had no date tonight, but this mysterious alibi-date-situation-approval thing unnerved him. He was after all not a family guy, not the fatherly or brotherly type and also not the man-to-man-talk type.

But he certainly was the jealous type. He occluded to shove those thoughts away.

"When your visit wasn't planned, what can I do for you?" He tried to sound invitingly.

"I have something private that came up today I'd like to talk to you about."

Severus sighed inwardly rather sure he wouldn't like what was coming.

"I have half an hour before I'll have to sweep the corridors for- overly ambitious couples," he said and made her chuckle, "Tea?"

"Lovely!" She beamed at him, which he liked enormously.

When they had both settled with their cups into his visitor chairs he gestured her to start.

"I received a letter today, which caught me off-guard."

"Only _one_? I had expected more secret admirers actually," he said awkwardly, instantly chiding himself for not letting go of his jealousy.

"_Actually_, they _are _queuing-," she answered.

"Then shouldn't you be in Hogsmeade now?" he asked.

At his snarky tone she smiled brightly.

"Severus-, I was kidding! Firstly, it's only important whom _I_ admire and secondly, I am where I want to be."

She locked eyes with him despite knowing that she had been more than obvious just now regarding her emotions, but it was Valentine's Day and now that she sat here and talked to him she suddenly missed being with him more than before. The dark man, however, hoped he hadn't given away his astonishment.

Suddenly aware that she had given him enough reason to verbalize a rejection openly, Hermione continued talking.

"So, ahem, I received a letter and I only read it this evening. It's from Harry- and I just can't make sense as to why he wrote what he wrote," she tried to explain and looked at him a little helpless. And there it was! There she saw it in his eyes and her suspicion was confirmed. "You! It was you, wasn't it? You did- what you did-, didn't you? What did you do-?" she asked and impulsively got to her feet, aware of the salad that had just left her mouth, "Severus?" she added quietly.

He stood now, too. "I may have given some- impulses," he said carefully, unable to say whether she approved or not.

Hermione didn't know what to do with all the emotions inside her. When she had reached him, her hands came up, opened and closed again, while she starred at his chest. She needed grounding and her urge for contact grew, but she currently didn't know if hugging or punching were more appropriate. Finally, she placed both her hands to his chest, where she could feel his heartbeat. "Thank you- so much!" Her voice was low.

"I take it, the contents is to your liking?" he asked, unsure how to react.

"Whatever _you_ did, is to my liking! And that's exactly why I prefer being right here instead of Hogsmeade with whoever," she stopped herself for a second, fully aware of the again not so subtle subtext and wondered where her bravery came from, "The letter, however, was apologetic, and thus- let's say a good start."

Severus heart raced a bit after her statement and he knew she could feel it with her hands on his chest. Busy wondering if he interpreted her hints correctly he had problems focusing right now. Were her hands to his chest together with her words to be misinterpreted? But what about Draco?

"Smart!" he said hoarsely, "I shouldn't have forgotten to tell you about it, though."

"Hmm-, I am currently not planning to form an opinion on your probably age-related forgetfulness. _But_ assuming a friend would tell me about such an occurrence, I'd advise her to make totally clear to the interfering man that something like this must never be decided over her head again and that he at least should have _asked_ in advance."

"I see it's probably very beneficial to me that you are not planning to form an opinion!"

Spontaneously taking her face in his hands he kissed her forehead tenderly and then let it rest against his, while his thumbs stroked her cheeks. Very close to her lips. Before she could stop herself she sighed with comfort and struggled not to kiss him or his thumbs, now that they were so intimately close with their noses brushing at each other. He smelled of herbs again. Suddenly Severus pulled her head to his chest and let his fingers softly massage through the curls. _Merlin, I've nearly kissed her,_ he thought, _my thumb had touched her upper lip. But she hadn't bolted, she still didn't._ His mind raced.

"I'm sorry," he whispered over her head.

"I'm not." She tightened her embrace reassuringly.

"I don't mean my interference." He felt slightly sick.

"I know." Her thumb slowly stroked his back.

Severus was dumbfounded, but felt his emotional unease subside a bit. They indulged into their companionable silence and closeness for a minute.

"Drink your tea and then I'll walk you to your quarters. You seem exhausted and rumors say you're having extra homework," he smirked.

Hermione poked her finger into his chest. "_I hope_ you won't find a single misbehaving couple-. _No, wait!_ I forgot who I was talking to. I hope you'll only find _adult_ couples sitting well-behaved in unambiguous distance next to each other reading potions books. Huh!" she returned and peeked up at him.

He laughed at that.

"Are you implying that I'd deliberately misinterpret situations to students' disadvantages?" He asked with as much indignation as he could muster.

She stared at him consciously wide-eyed.

"Oops, I'm afraid time for tea is up. It _is_ getting late and I better leave now. You keep grading, I'm a big girl and able to find the way on my own. And you'll need the time in here to get mentally prepared for all the _appropriateness_ you are about to face. Good night."

Severus still grinned when she closed the door behind her. It was unsettling, but now he wanted to kiss her even more.

**.o.O.o.**

The sun was definitely glaring too much, even through the library windows and it was unbearable for Hermione to keep her eyes open. Her head felt as if it was about to explode. Deep inside she knew that soon there would be no way to negate that she was indeed ill. However, she couldn't afford to be ill and give in to the tempting idea of lying in bed sleeping. She felt cold and slung her arms around herself in a fruitless attempt to warm herself a bit. She was aware that it wasn't cold; it was her rising fever that made her shiver. A glance over the desk proved that there still was so much to work through and to learn for her catch-up test with Severus. He had warned them to be prepared and she didn't fancy the idea of displeasing him and getting her daily detentions back early. Yesterday had already delayed her, since she hadn't felt her best then already and Draco's supportive part was missing as well since he fought a cold he had caught on his very worthwhile date night with Louis. Severus had used a very paternal voice, when he had hunted Draco down in her quarters and ordered him to stay in his own bed instead of spreading his germs over the school, which had magically worked on the astonished young man. Thus, Draco also wouldn't participate in the obligatory Friday-night test and she had to rely on her own knowledge. Although still early she made to leave, it would surely take her some time to get to the dungeons and she was quite sure that she should treat herself with another vial of pain potion and some water before she would arrive there. Food was out of the question, her stomach revolted already. Whatever she had caught wasn't just a cold.

At his office door she found a note saying that today's detentions took place in his classroom. She managed to arrive there in time and hoped to find him in a reasonable mood leaving hope for some mercy if she failed answering. Maybe chances weren't too low, given that they would be alone, but of course there was always the unspoken notion of Hermione and Draco to not take advantage of their special situation with the Potions master. This unsettled her a bit more than usual since she knew she was severely lacking knowledge today. She prayed for him not to be snarky and that he hadn't planned a practical part today. She wouldn't manage that.

"Good evening," she greeted hoarsely.

"Sit," he ordered sternly and gestured at a chair opposite his desk, which normally wasn't there, "Mr. Harris is about to finally finish and leave," he looked at Daniel, "stop gaping, hurry. You're wasting my time. I value my leisure time highly and obviously still have another detention to supervise." His gaze now rested on Hermione and without looking at him she recognised that he assessed her intently. When she settled into the seat she saw he was grading her extra essay and there were so many notes in green ink all over it that it became clear that his mood was not only far from relaxed due to Daniel's detention. And her lack of knowledge wouldn't make it any better. She felt even worse now.

A couple of minutes later Daniel had finally finished his cutting and shooting her a regretting glance, he left.

She looked at the mess on the table next to her. The most unpleasant part of the preparation still remained to be done. _'Measures will be taken'_ it echoed in her mind and she wondered if they looked like intestines-removal of slugs. Not tonight please, she prayed inwardly and willed sudden bile and tears back, while seriously thinking about admitting that she wasn't properly prepared. Somehow she didn't dare to straightaway disappoint twice in one evening, but hoped she would pass somehow.

Severus put her essay aside and tried to go for decent, "We'll talk about this- essay-_attempt_ later. Ready to start?" he asked the frozen woman in front of him, who kept staring at his desk. He didn't need his spy instincts to know something was wrong.

"Yes sir" is what she heard herself say for no explicable reason.

After question five Severus admitted to himself that there was no use in asking further. He leaned back, folded his arms and wordlessly counted to ten before talking.

"I trust we could have saved valuable time and the discomfort of this fruitless question-and-answer-game had you just told me you weren't prepared."

"I really tried to be. I'm sorry, sir," she said weakly, while staring at his desk and feeling her exhaustingly held up facade slowly crumble.

She had mucked it up and annoyed him even more. Additionally, her pain potion now stopped working and her head again felt as if it was about to explode and rendered her unable to cope with _Professor Snape_. Silently she waited for his verdict and withstood the urge to beg for allowances for herself.

Severus eyed her. Already during their last class she had been unusually vacant and Severus had the suspicion that there was something wrong with her, which had just been substantiated by reading her rubbish penal essay on a more than undemanding topic, but within the last minutes it had become literally visible in the extreme. She was overly pale with deeply reddened cheeks. Concerned that she might faint out, he walked over to her and slightly tugged at her hand. It was hot. The young woman, however, was frozen to the spot and kept staring at the slugs next to her. With a flick of his wand Severus vanished them into a bin. They would make a nice detention task for someone tomorrow.

Only then she moved to look questioningly at him.

"Can you get up?" he asked and softly tugged at her hand again.

"What about the slugs?"

"I hadn't anticipated you'd want to spend time with them."

"I thought they-, I mean, what's my punishment, sir?" Her voice was unsteady

"There is none." He simply pulled her up from the chair.

"I don't understand. What about the test?" she asked confused when they walked towards the door behind his desk. Her knees menaced to buckle, her hands were clammy now and she instinctively clutched to his. Taking this as an incentive Severus abruptly turned around to press his lips on her forehead and she closed her eyes immediately. She was burning hot, thus indeed ill.

"The test is nothing to worry about. You're ill and need to sleep, come-," he said and started to walk again.

The firm gentleness of his voice let a sudden wave of relief wash over her and then everything went very fast. Hermione's hand went slack and in the same moment she dropped unceremoniously to the floor.

It had been quite some time, but once again he inwardly thanked the castle for having provided him with a direct entry to the infirmary via the hearth in his living room. When his loyalty had been accepted by Dumbledore, the castle had acknowledged his service by offering him direct access to medical aid for cases in which he returned from Death Eater summonses wounded.

The mediwitch approached them immediately when the wards had informed her from where a visitor arrived.

"Goodness, what happened Severus?" she asked when she saw his distressed face and who he was carrying.

"A private bed and Pepper Up. Now!" he commanded. "I've performed some spells, it's no curse and no poison," he added.

Poppy hurried to get the potion, while Severus carefully put the unconscious woman onto the bed. He removed her shoes and held her carefully up to do the same with her coat before pulling the blanket over her. The mediwitch watched his gentle movements with astonishment, but made sure he didn't notice.

"Where did you find her?" Poppy asked, while trying to find the reason for Hermione's breakdown and slowly pouring Pepper-Up potion into her mouth to stabilize her.

"I didn't. She broke down during a catch-up test." Severus went to join Poppy at the potions store-board to look for something suitable as well.

The potion worked its magic and on waking-up the young woman immediately tried to get up again. Poppy, who saw her moving from the corner of her eye, reacted first.

"No, sweetheart, stay put. You need to rest."

Hermione ignored her and shortly before she stood, Severus had reached her in two long strides and touched her shoulder.

"Lie down, you're ill," he commanded gently and tucked her up under the blanket again. Tears were running down her cheeks now and Severus sat down onto her bed. "Hermione, why are you crying?"

"How did I get here? I cannot remember," she said wide-eyed.

"I brought you, and only ten minutes ago. You broke down during revision in my office."

Her eyes widened even more when something dawned on her.

"I-, I totally mucked it up this week-, the essay and the prep work. I disappointed you- I'm sorry."

"It's all fine. You are just ill. Next time tell me. That's not taking advantage."

"But it was an _extra_ essay already. I'm so sorry, I-," she sobbed weakly. Some part in her feverish mind was convinced he didn't see the whole picture.

"Hermione listen," he cupped up her cheek, "Even during Valentine's week my fear factor alone keeps students revising beyond reason. So it was obvious that there must be something wrong. You did _not _disappoint me, I'm _not _mad at you, it's all fine. I want you to sleep now."

The mediwitch silently stood behind Severus and watched the dark Slytherin gently taking care of the Gryffindor student. She remembered the day when he had added himself secretly to her emergency contact list and intuitively approved of this development.

"No, I have to learn-," Hermione said hoarsely and tried to get up again, but Severus softly pushed her back down onto the mattress, before finishing the sentence for her, "Because Professor Snape will make you into potions ingredients otherwise, right?," he stroked her cheek and she stared at him, "I promise to have a stern word with him, but only when you sleep now."

Poppy smiled at that. His hand at her cheek had given the level of their interpersonal development away and for some inexplicable reason her mind also approved of this straight away and thus she decided to give them some privacy.

"I'll be back with the results in a couple of minutes," she told Severus, who nodded without taking his eyes from the young woman next to him.

The potion worked some more of its magic and Hermione's eyes cleared in the course. She snuggled with her head to his thigh.

"Severus," she sounded fully aware now, which made some of his tension leave, "thank you for being so- you," she whispered against his thigh.

His heart melted and he stroked some sweaty curls from her face. "Most people would say I'm currently not myself at all."

"I know better. I'm not most people."

"Far from that actually," Severus conceded.

After having kissed her temple he watched her resulting smile with awe and waited for Hermione to fall asleep and for Poppy to return with the results. Another silent wave of gratitude washed over him when he recognized that this focus on Hermione had only been possible due to the fact that he and the mediwitch had a long history of mutual understanding and trust. She had always been the one to know about the real extent of his physical sacrifice for the cause and had seen and handled him when he had been most vulnerable and had never lost a word about it to anyone or had used it against him.

Thirty minutes later Hermione had been put in quarantine behind a medical veil, where she stayed for a week with a flu virus. Ignoring the scowling Potions master, the mediwitch insisted he stayed in quarantine in his quarters for 48 hours until diagnostic spells could safely verify that the virus wasn't spreading inside him as well.

.o.O.o.

Against expectations Remus showed up daily at the veil and towards the end of the week Hermione and he had sorted out the things, which needed to be addressed. As she had promised him in December, he got the chance to apologize for his behavior; however, he didn't get away lightly. The young woman insisted on details, embarrassing and personal ones, to ensure that they were on one level regarding their view on things and on what had been the problem and what exactly had been clarified and forgiven. This naturally involved an enormous amount of emotional turmoil, which Poppy didn't approve of in the face of Hermione's fragile state of health, but the younger woman in bed assured her that she felt indeed better with the knowledge of being able to finally draw a line by verbalizing, understanding and making herself understood to her former ally, who she once had valued so highly.

A lot of crying on both sides was involved, which was due to the circumstances physically inconsolable. One day, after the main breakthrough, Hermione was ever so thankful for Poppy's intuition to call for Severus under false pretenses to enable him to at least console her a bit by just being there for a couple of minutes. Sadly, even after his quarantine had ended, more extended visits were impossible since a case of quarantine inside Hogwarts drew quite some attention. Being famous for his antipathy of Gryffindors and additionally being head of the competing House of Slytherin, obvious concern would raise suspicions that might make her life more stressful. Severus thus only had the option to drop by shortly in his position as Potions master to have a short look and gather basic information on her recovery. He waited every night for Draco to date him up, which he did unasked for. The younger man, arrogant as he was, blithely ignored Poppy's stern and Hermione's half-hearted attempts to make him leave and spent every free minute next to the medical veil, disguised as a healer from St-Mungo's, which fooled everyone but the confidants. Accepting the obvious, namely their (though still unofficial) well-disposed enmity, and realizing that she would have done the same, Hermione felt light despite illness and longing for Severus' calming proximity. What soothed her though was the reluctance in his eyes when he had to leave again, which also told her that there was quite something between them that likely needed to be addressed soon for her peace of mind.

It would have been very unlike himself hadn't Severus done some scrutinizing as well, especially remembering his lack of control on Valentine's Day. He didn't even like to admit it to himself, but their situation got increasingly emotionally straining, especially as Severus sometimes shortly listened to Draco and Hermione in the infirmary: their discussions, revisions and even teasing, which made him more than a little jealous of the youngsters' significantly deepening friendship and intimacy.


	16. Chapter 14: An honorary Slytherin

**14 An honorary Slytherin**

**06 March 2000**

"Oh dear-, Howard's really not so dowered," Draco whispered to Hermione, whose attempt of trying to prevent a laugh ended in something resembling a moaning cough. Bugger, she hadn't expected him to dare saying anything into the strained situation at all.

"Is there anything you wish to add, Miss Granger?" Severus sneered menacingly. Once again, they both felt not only too comfortable in each other's presence for his liking, but also in his class.

"No Professor, I'm sorry. Inattentiveness caused me to touch the hot caldron," she made up, glad that her voice betrayed neither her lie nor her amusement. Draco next to her struggled really hard to not give away his amusement. Severus was seriously unnerved as it was with the exploded cauldron from the idiot Gryffindor boy, but this now made him shift his anger at his pixies.

"Just like Mr. Drummond you both also get the chance to hand in an essay on the theory of brewing antidote potions for blended poisons under consideration of Golpalott's Third Law by an example of your choice with at least, say, seven ingredients," he informed them with a sneer, "And, Miss Granger, an additional ten points from Gryffindor for negligence in attention during my class. _Again_. It was obviously wishful thinking that you'd at least remember the little contents that had actually made it into your essay on this topic," Severus snarled at her, "I shall make a mental note of having to explain even the most basic sources of danger in my classroom-, _like fire_, to our two allegedly adult students."

"I'll see to that, sir," Draco offered, immediately taking her hand and mouthing a simple healing charm to heal what wasn't there, preferably before Severus might find it necessary to look after it himself.

"Thank you, much better," she managed to whisper, the suppressed laughter took its toll and some small tears leaving her eyes. They, however, fitted their improvising perfectly.

"I would like to return to my lecture, but only if it pleases you two of course," he sarcastically spat.

Hermione and Draco stared, apparently sufficiently chastised, on their cauldron.

"Sorry, sir," they both offered in unison, which wasn't helpful in fighting back their laughter since the goofiness was unleashed now. At least they were both apt enough to keep their gaze down. Being fully aware that he had a point, and a very good one at that, they both knew it was time to calm down now otherwise he would never let them see the end of it. Hermione additionally didn't know what to make of Severus' reminder of her low performance during her illness and especially after he had told her that this was off the table. Right now he increasingly resembled the Professor Snape she had known before, but she tried not to let this get to her. Hopefully, Howard's Quidditch fame would smooth out that his cauldron explosion and her bark had lost their House 60 points. It was a bad way to start into the new week and now the expected essay also made things more difficult.

After dismissal, Draco offered to clean up their workplace on his own to even out his responsibility for her part of the point loss. Hermione gladly accepted since she wanted to have a very quick lunch and some additional time to catch up with her workload before the afternoon class started.

"Oh, Velve, what about the book," Draco shouted behind her. "Will you get it or shall I?"

"Would be great if you did. I'm stuck in class all afternoon," she answered from the door. "Half seven? I'll have the equations done by then and we can start straight away."

"Are you working with a time-turner again? Illegally so, I might add," Severus interfered unexpectedly.

"No-," she wonderingly answered, but when he simply kept fixing her with his gaze, she nodded at Draco "Laters."

"Miss Granger, come back this instant," Severus commanded.

Hermione stopped and reluctantly returned into the room. She tried not to let his insistence on formality get to her, but blamed it on his infuriation with them. Draco had stopped his sorting and shot Severus a questioning look.

"I wonder what the chances are that I accidentally changed the obligation of your detentions- and even without remembering so," he asked.

"Tending towards zero, I'm sure," she answered stiffly though knowing it was meant to be rhetoric.

Draco now decided to weigh in.

"Severus, we need to catch up with so much stuff and are planning another learning session tonight. Couldn't you count it as detentions? You could supervise us," he offered. "I ensure you that we won't have fun."

"I take it, you didn't access the meaning of detentions, _Mr. Malfoy_," Severus stated and gazing at Hermione he added "And since _you_ were able to make fun on behalf of your housemate in my class, I am quite sure you are fully recovered. Thus, no reason for maintaining the intermission presents itself."

Oh dear, he had seen through their charade and his tone unmistakably showed he was really better not challenged now. Better don't add to it, since she obviously would still have to put up with him for a couple of hours tonight. Hermione decided to intervene, before Draco, who meanwhile started to look seriously unnerved, could counter him. It wouldn't help anyone if he got himself into detention too.

"It's okay. Sev- Professor Snape is right of course," she said to Draco, while hoping her voice wouldn't betray what she really thought about it. "At seven again, I take it," she asked Severus politely.

"Precisely."

"May I ask a favor, sir?"

She nearly stumbled over the sir now that only Draco was here to witness. They had nearly kissed not even a month ago. However, she wanted him in a helpful mood since she needed to know how long he intended to keep her, as this ruined her plan, which now had to be rescheduled. And that stole even more learning time. This became some kind of vicious learning circle.

"Try to." He gazed at her and Draco still at Severus. She hoped the younger man wouldn't snap.

"Considering our catch-up schedule and the needed adaptations, would you be so kind to _estimate_ a finishing time for tonight, sir?" Hermione half pleaded.

The realization that due to these detentions she would be missing at least three hours of making up leeway every night made her slightly panic. She was still exhausted and would need a minimum of five hours sleep at night. And that was the absolute minimum of endurability, but she trusted she could manage at least for another week with five.

Severus assessed her intently, his eyes locking with hers and she struggled to refrain from pleading looks. All of a sudden, Hermione realized that she missed his proximity almost painfully. She already had in the infirmary and she did even more so right now since there seemed to be so much more distance again between _Professor Snape_ and _Miss Granger_, the reason for which she couldn't quite grasp. She believed her memory, when it told her that he had been very caring the night he had brought her to the hospital wing.

"Ten, at the latest," he simply said.

Draco snorted.

"Care to join in, Mr. Malfoy?" he snarled.

"I'm sorry, Draco," Hermione said walking towards him. "I'll reschedule everything tomorrow, but the earlier evenings are cancelled for me. Maybe you'll find someone else to team-up with? Louis seems to be keen on supporting you."

She smiled inwardly at her mentioning of _him_ all the while the idea of being alone again in this prep cycle clutched her stomach tightly.

Draco looked at her as if she had just lost her mind.

"I'll do no such thing! We complement each other well and will arrange around detentions to ensure _you_ get enough support too," he exclaimed firmly.

Hermione beamed at him with relief. Her progress was satisfying since they had started working together and he was right, they were both swots and apart from being equally talented in Potions, their talents really cross-fertilized.

"You're the best! I'll explain the equations on my return. Are you d'accord or shall we try before dinner," she offered, feeling guilty.

"After ten is fine. Remember that our nightly work was once very effective and lived up to high standards," he nodded towards Severus while twinkling at her.

"Team pixie," she laughed. "I gotta run now. Laters," she addressed them both and headed for the door again.

"Velve, the books! I need our books," Draco shouted again.

"_Open sesame_. Make yourself at home and don't do anything I wouldn't do," she returned airily and finally managed to leave for lunch.

It was visible in his face that Draco was flabbergasted by her natural invitation.

Since none of them had looked at Severus, they had missed his surprise as well and not only on her freely-shared password, but also on the unity they had demonstrated regarding their honest academic interest. The obvious familiarity of _team pixie_, the name did flatter him, and its habit to learn in _her_ quarters rather than the library made his chest hurt a bit more. Draco had called her _Velve_, and repeatedly so. When had this been accepted by her? And why? It had originally been an insult after all. Maybe because now he was '_the best_'. His thoughts were interrupted by Draco, who meanwhile stood in front of his desk and cleared his throat.

"It was me. I made a comment and Hermione simply laughed at it. It was an inappropriate, but accurate and funny one," Draco explained.

"And why exactly are you telling me that, Mr. Malfoy," Severus asked unnerved.

"To rectify the situation," Draco said determinedly.

He needed to leave. Severus insistence on formality became increasingly hard to bear and not only on his behalf, but also on Hermione's. Draco now knew that there was more to them than he had been allowed to witness. She had told him bits and pieces about the extent of what Severus had done for her and about their real proximity, when they both indeed had become, although secretly, well-disposed enemies. They both took the well-disposed part of their f(r)iendship seriously, especially since the week in the infirmary, and her school life was challenging enough without an inconsistent Severus, who distanced himself now again for no comprehensible reason.

"Goodbye, _professor_."

Draco finally left for a quick lunch and the library.

Severus swirled through the classroom's back door into his office. He needed some solitude. Now that he had witnessed Draco's and Hermione's unexpected familiarity again during and after class, he realized painfully how much he missed theirs, especially after the intense encounter on Valentine's Day. Had he interpreted too much and underestimated her emotional confusion. He tried to convince himself that it was good this way. They youngsters had both needed someone, and Hermione also not especially him. He was her teacher after all and twenty years her senior, whereas Draco not only qualified as walking handsomeness, but was also her age. Above all they had shared some very intimate suffering and were currently outliving their respective aftermaths of it together. Objectively seen, it was a blessing for them to have become friends or whatever they were and he should feel proud to have served as lubricator. Severus wondered if that day would ever come while his jealousy lay heavily in his stomach.

.o.O.o.

Deciding to skip dinner in favor of finishing the equation and half of her first essay of the day at least wasn't really hardship for her. She really preferred sleep over food right now and this would bring her another thirty minutes of the desired activity later.

A couple of hours later Hermione breathlessly knocked at Severus' office door. The tears were wiped away, but her eyes may still be puffy. Since she was twelve minutes late already, she refrained from further postponing. Things would only get worse and he had been on the wrong foot all day already.

"Enter," he commanded.

On her entry Hermione had remorse written all over her face.

"I apologize, Se—sir."

Merlin, she wasn't sure how to address him. Why did everything suddenly turn complicated again?

"I do not take careless handling with my time lightly. I trust you're having a convincing reason," he half asked and hoped his voice hadn't betrayed his concern about her delay.

"I certainly did not intend to be late, quite the opposite in fact, but the appointment I had, took longer than expected," she explained honestly, while struggling not to let information through. He was neither her Head of House, nor Severus right now, but simply her displeased Potions master.

"Then you're well-advised of planning such appointments _not_ around our detention time."

"It won't happen again, sir!"

He pierced her with his gaze. "I know."

Indeed feeling sufficiently chastised now, she nodded and swallowed hard. The unfairness of involuntarily being caught between the stools was close to taking its toll. Minerva had passive-aggressively extended their talking time. She hadn't forgiven her their Christmas encounter and probably won't and Hermione would have to lie in the bed she had made.

"We'll start with the pain killer today and will prepare a larger batch. The dragon liver needs cutting first and that'll be all for today. Come on-," he called.

Hermione simply obeyed. It was highly irritating that Severus didn't go for taking points or a sermon at least.

When she stood in front of the tray with the expensive dragon liver she simply started cutting and got absorbed in mentally rescheduling their catch-up plan. She simply couldn't let go of what still needed to be finished till tomorrow and was so exhausted by the sheer prospect that her tears threatened to flow again due to the sudden insight that she very likely wouldn't be able to finish it. She'd need to find a solution since the workload was fixed for at least the following five days as well, but would very likely increase by the usual homework. There were simply not enough hours to the day and no matter how often she rescheduled everything, the outcome was dissatisfying.

She blinked back her tears on the attitude of Minerva. Stupid power plays. And she could just play them. Hermione was under no obligation to be here. She'd be free to leave if she couldn't handle the requirements anymore as she'd been reliably reminded again today.

She wanted Professor Snape to bugger off and Severus to return, at least for detentions she wanted the man that had had her back when she had needed to tell her truth, who had told her off when she had started to overwork herself, who had cared for her. Gods, she was sentimental like a little girl.

.o.O.o.

"Hermione, wake up," he commanded gently and put his hand on her shoulder. At that she startled and started to panic as it dawned on her where exactly she was.

"What?- I-," her eyes widened in disbelief, "Merlin, I'm sorry, really sorry! I didn't mean to-. It was not because I don't take this seriously, or you! I do- both. I really do and I- please Seve-, Professor, sorry, I-," she stammered, while recoiling from him when a profound horror spread through her at the realization that she had not only been late for, but also fallen asleep during detentions with_ Professor Snape_. Perfect, this very likely meant more workload or missing limbs. And this time illness was not an excuse. She was close to either screaming or giggling insanely, but her body couldn't decide which option to choose.

Severus reacted fast when he saw how the panic spread through her: after having wordlessly casted a cleaning spell on her hands, he stepped close to her and pulled her to his chest, one hand slowly caressing her hair.

"No harm done. You can calm down," he softly said.

This put her over the edge of option three, actually, and she just started crying. Letting her tears flow freely Hermione clutched to his waistcoat in complete emotional overflow.

"I miss you, Severus," she sobbed into his chest, at which he tightened his embrace and kissed her on top of her head

"It's all fine. You've got a friend in Draco, and a good one apparently," he said lowly-voiced and congratulated himself for sounding affirmative.

"I know, but I want y-, he's not you," she confessed self-conscious.

Severus heart skipped a beat at what had just hit it. However, this resembled a scenario they had only too short ago and thus Severus pressed his lips shortly to her forehead to check her temperature.

"Are you feeling ill?" he asked, but she shook her head. "Just tired then, come on," he said relieved.

When she didn't move, he gently turned her around and shoved her into his sitting room. Now the young woman seemed completely indifferent and Severus decided to just carefully go on. He took off her cloak and pulled her pullover over her head. When Hermione simply obliged he gently pushed her down onto the sofa and took off her shoes before sitting down next to her and pulling her to him to arrange her partly in his lap. He only allowed himself to indulge into their coziness after having activated all wards and casted a one-sided Muffliato. _This_ was their business, but he had to be available to his students and thus needed to hear them at the door at least.

He stroked her arm and shoulder softly while resting his cheek on her head and whispering some soothing nonsense every now and then. Gladly, her crying slowly subsided and her breathing calmed down.

"I miss you, too," he whispered suddenly and more than just a little aware of all the non-fatherly feelings.

After a couple of minutes, Severus was sure that she had fallen asleep again and he leaned his head back and closed his eyes as well.

Precisely at a quarter to ten he woke up. "Wake up," he whispered, "It's time to go back to your quarters. Draco is probably waiting."

"What time is it?" she asked irritated.

"Nearly ten, time to get going. Do you think you can get up?"

"You just let me sleep all the time," she asked incredulously, while moving into a sitting position to put on her shoes.

"_All the time_\- it was only two hours. And you needed them. Who am I to have a little word with on your condition?" Severus straightened himself now, feeling a bit stiff.

"I trust it's not a good idea to hunt down the headmistress. Apart from that, I'm no damsel in distress and I can manage on my own."

Severus twitched his lip at the memory this raised.

"Some time ago, I hadn't really been a squire in distress either, but you were unstoppable, so don't be ridiculous and fill me in. Minerva has more pull right now. I'll make an effort to be textbook Slytherin when addressing her."

Hermione resisted the urge to kiss his cheek simply for being Severus again.

"I have to refinish what I missed last week. And she wants me to prove it via essays, one per day, on the single topics. I went to ask her if she'd postpone the deadline for the one due tomorrow at 9am to the afternoon, since I had another one waiting in line from Filius plus prep work for classes in general, regular homework and detentions. Well, I got a nice sermon on how this is school life and that one has to bear the consequences of one's decisions and that, since I wanted something from her, she would take her time answering me. It had been past seven already when she had finally rejected my request and offered the prospect of an additional one, for every deadline I fail to meet. Then I ran late, pitied myself a bit and obviously fell asleep-."

She shook her head on her slip.

"I can finish the cutting tomorrow morning and right after lunch. That should suffice, time-wise that is," she offered hopefully.

Severus was greatly annoyed, she could tell, though not with her, it seemed.

"That's not important now. Let's go," he said.

He shoved her through the door and then they were both in the hallway.

"You don't have to walk me," she offered weakly, but liked the idea.

He sighed and just started walking. They stopped in front of her quarter's door and simply stood there. Hermione was confused about what he expected.

"You either developed a strange sense of coziness," he gestured at the dark and cold hallway, "or you don't remember your password. I happened to overhear it, when you freely shouted it around in an open classroom. It's _open sesame_. How Muggle of-"

The opening door silenced him and Hermione firmly stepped inside with Severus on her heels.

"Kettle's just boiled," Draco greeted her from his place in front of the sofa with a bright smile, which faltered as he saw Severus entering behind her.

"Lovely," she said and returned his now puzzled look.

"_Professor_," he greeted overemphasizing the title and got a nod from the darker man.

Hermione turned around to Severus.

"It doesn't matter, who knows the password. They won't be able to enter."

Severus shot her a look of incomprehension.

"It might have slipped your notion, but I just opened your door by the passing mention of it."

"That's how it is supposed to work, actually" she countered. "Please, make yourself at home."

He didn't move, but stared at her.

"Don't be obtuse, Hermione," he said and then chose one of the grey oversized armchairs between fireplace and sofa and stiffly sat down.

"I'm not. I rearranged the wards when I came here in September. The password is useless for anyone I hadn't acknowledged to them."

This took Severus by surprise.

"So, you had me acknowledged?"

Hermione looked at Draco and then back at Severus but remained silent for some seconds.

"Ahem, sorry, I'm just trying to come up with an answer not referring to anyone being obtuse-," she teased and he arched his signature eyebrow at her. "I had done exactly that when we returned in January, in case of emergencies, but obviously forgotten to tell you the password-, how useful," she sighed, "and I added Draco this afternoon. It obviously works just fine. Everyone else can think, whisper, shout, sing or even expressively dance it through the corridor, but wouldn't be allowed entrance."

Draco snickered at that but otherwise remained silent.

"I can override the ward anytime with the universal teacher password. And not just me," Severus reminded, which earned him a slight sneer.

"No, you cannot. The ward only acknowledges the _open sesame_ and only when offered by any of us three. The teacher password is permanently disabled since the end of October, because- it had been used," Hermione stated matter-of-factly and shoved the emerging memories of herself lying on the bathroom floor with Severus above her, helping her, away.

Both men stared at her and suddenly she could see in the older man's eyes how the proverbial penny dropped. He knew now that she knew. Then Draco distracted them both.

"How did you know how to do that?" Draco sounded truly impressed.

"I like to read. And I know things and I am rather talented actually. I think you both got distracted from recognizing it due to my core problems of late."

She grinned while going to the tea tray and preparing three cups so Severus could finally say what he was here for. When she had handed them theirs, Draco's patience was at an end. He was tired and wanted to get this over with.

"Since detention time is officially over, I take it that we owe your visit to something she," Draco gestured at Hermione "did that extended her detention time for tonight?"

Severus scowled at him. Who had made him the old bull here?

Oh great, the boys were about to fight and she really had no more nerves left for this tonight. And she was fast running out of sleeping time. Granted, Severus had allowed her an advance of two hours, but he had certainly not let her see the end of it, yet.

As Severus didn't seem to be inclined to answer, Draco addressed Hermione.

"Why is he here? You alright, Velve?"

"Depends on the perspective, but I daresay some thankfulness wouldn't go amiss Malfoy-boy, because I very likely got Slytherin an early end-of-term present- the House Cup," she declared in her best snotty lecturing tone.

Oh bugger! But Draco played along and nodded approvingly.

"How generous of you. How come?"

"Oh, I ran late for detentions and then, on a whim, decided to go for the whole nine yards by falling asleep," she intonated proudly.

Draco really hoped she was joking, but somehow knew, she wasn't.

"I see-. Your intense proximity with two prototypical Slytherins has clouded your allegiance. I'll start a petition tomorrow for awarding you the unofficial title of an honorary Slytherin."

She laughed out loud at that and he joined in. Even Severus couldn't stay serious and grinned broadly at their conversation. They both were quick-witted kids. He sipped his tea until they had calmed down.

"I'd like to see your catch-up schedule and your task list, Hermione," he demanded. "And yours too, should you happen to have one, Draco. But I trust her habits have rubbed off on you already," he added.

The younger man was not in an ignoring or letting-go mood.

"Oh, it's Draco again. This is getting confusing, _Severus_. I'd be glad if you explained the rules to me," he snarled at the man that liked to power-play with them according to unspecified rules.

"You better refrain from that tone, no matter the address," Severus menacingly growled and then Hermione intervened.

"To be honest, I also find it confusing. It often feels very arbitrary," she stated firmly, locking eyes with Severus. She was too tired for diplomacy. "We are adults and it is understood that we stick to formality when we're not in private, but the situation after class today felt like a power play and I feel very unsettled by it," she admitted openly, but a slight fear crept through her.

Severus assessed them both, of course knowing they had a point. The teacher in him wanted to bite back, but his private self couldn't stand the thought of unsettling her and risking the little proximity they still had left. His gaze rested on her now, but he didn't say a word.

Hermione knew, she had made him feel uncomfortable. She came to kneel before him and took his hand. Hopefully Draco would hold himself back. He surely must feel strange at this sight. It struck her that although she had done this with Severus before; she had never done it with anyone else. It was supposed to convey compassion and caring; for someone who needed words accompanied by gestures.

"I know I've told you before and this time I think I speak for Draco as well, when I say that our respect is not determined by the form of address, but by actions. And you have our fullest," she told him.

Hermione deeply hoped she hadn't spooked him now, but was at least glad he hadn't bolted straight away due to Draco's presence. Gladly, the younger man seemed to also have understood that and he interrupted the awkwardness now by handing his schedule to Severus.

"Yes, she rubs off on me, too, but together you and I are not lost and _we_ got the House Cup as proof."

Draco mocked her all the while fraternizing with Severus. Hermione was impressed.

"Nah, Malfoy-boy, he hasn't announced his final verdict yet," she said snottily.

Being about to get up again, Severus impulsively tightened his grip around her hand. Their eyes locking immediately, she beamed at him and decided to go the whole hog by curling herself up next to the older man into the comfy chair, followed by Accioeing her schedule and placing it to Draco's in his lap.

Severus was shortly tried to flee, but then he knew Draco to have a good idea of the proximity they had shared during the holidays. However, that Hermione had openly snuggled herself up against him and that Draco still didn't look murderous came as a surprise to Severus, as he had assumed they had developed some deeper affection for one another. Although this again collided with what she had said to him and with sleeping in his lap during detentions. All of this between the three of them was somehow increasingly mind-boggling for Severus. It was obvious that they formed some kind of confidence triangle on one level due to all their shared experiences. Interestingly, since the Christmas holidays, the youngsters both continuingly made quite an effort to include him. This, he admitted to himself, felt nice.

Hermione was fully aware of the situation's awkwardness, the older man behind her was totally tensed up and Draco wasn't exactly showing his smartest facial expression either. Hearing that they used to be physically close, though not sexually, wasn't the same as seeing.

"Draco, when you've quite finished gaping like a fish, be a love, take the equations, look them through and ask me anything. When you're diligent you'll be able to impress Louis in about a week and I'll be happy to arrange for your- _impression_ to take place on my sofa," she stated airily. "Uh, and I'll be in the library then, don't worry," she added with a grin. A short silence filled the room.

Suddenly Severus snorted with something like a suppressed laugh behind her.

"Or rather in my sitting room. Draco has always been very enthusiastic when the topic at hand was right up his street, so who knows how long it may take to _properly_ _impress_ Mr. du Monceau according to his standards," Severus chipped-in deadpan.

Hermione couldn't stop but burst into laughter and felt Severus behind her chuckle. Draco joined in hesitantly, obviously still nervous about his semi-secret crush and very likely irritated due to what he had just heard and especially who had said it.

Severus tension had subsided at the mentioning of Louis. That had come unexpectedly and explained a lot about their dynamics. It occurred to him that this might be the issue that Hermione on Valentine's Day had assumed Draco to have wanted Severus' approval for. He twined his arm around Hermione's waist and she let her head fall back onto his shoulder, melting into him with a small sigh of ease.

"So, you two are-," was as far as Draco came before Hermione interrupted him in a contradiction-forbidding tone.

"—_Unnamably special_, yes. How observant of you."

Draco settled back into the sofa and examined them secretly. Given that Severus was participating, Draco was suddenly sure that he just witnessed the physical manifestation of a very unique bond. He wondered if they knew that they were in love.

.o.O.o.

"Four to five hours sleep? Did you bang your head, woman? This is not going to work, Hermione! You'll relapse and I won't have that," Severus said with annoyed surprise.

"No, it's just for another week, well maybe two, until I've finished those essays-" she defended herself, clutching to his encircling arm.

Draco looked up from the sofa. "I've told you so, Velve. And now Severus does. You better listen to us."

Hermione immediately interrupted him since she was annoyed now that they both pretended that she had willingly decided for this martyrdom.

"You two know very well, that I'm due another one for each missed deadline and making concessions was explicitly rendered out of the question," she reminded sharply.

"Nevertheless, you are exhausted already. You fell asleep during _detentions_ _with Professor Snape_ and shouldn't rely on perpetual luck to outlive something like this," Draco reminded sharply and Hermione tensed noticeably.

This time, not being offended was no hardship for Severus. He could only agree that whoever would dare this when he was involved normally would fret their lives away.

Severus shortly squeezed her waist.

"No harm done, no consequences to face," she heard him quietly say into her ear and Hermione pressed her head to his to express her intense thankfulness. She had to fight back the urge to kiss him.

"Okay, we're running out of time here and _team pixie_ needs to rest. Draco's plan doesn't look so much better sleep-wise, but at least one of you isn't in the line of fire. Here's the plan for tonight and when I say, it's not open to discussion then this is as horizontal as it gets tonight: Hermione you've half an hour to explain the new equations – be to the point. Meanwhile I _look_ after your charms essay. Draco has finished everything else already. Afterwards you'll divide the reading work for tomorrow between you, while I look over both your Potions notes. Then it's off to bed. And although I know it runs counter with your pixie modes, no more nightshifts simply due to satisfying your overambitious swots." He looked at them insistingly before continuing "Regarding the remaining time of making up leeway, you'll not write essays in Potions, but merely make notes on the significant points so you'll have something to rely on for your NEWTS' prep work- besides me of course. You are nevertheless expected to hand them in. Any questions?" he finally asked.

His flabbergasted audience and they keenly mumbled their thank yous and nodded. Who were they to argue when offered a once in a lifetime opportunity? Severus Snape offering to write a student's essay – hell must just have frozen over, Hermione mused.

"Go to the bathroom, I'll have finished by then," Severus ordered. Ten minutes later Hermione came back and found Draco sleeping on the sofa, as usual. She took a blanket and put it over him, before daring to concede about their sleeping arrangement.

"He usually sleeps here. He doesn't seem to fit into his assigned dorm."

She hoped it wouldn't get Draco into trouble and that they could keep it up. They both felt reassured by their mutual presence.

Severus looked very tired in his armchair with no intention whatsoever to fall into his Head of House role.

"Since you're both adults and not planning to start a family, I just pretend to haven't heard that or seen him here past curfew. Your notes were satisfying and your essay should be an O at the least," he told her with a blink before he got to his feet, "Good night." He kissed her on top of her head and without further ado left for his quarters.

"Thank you," she worded, but he very likely hadn't heard it anymore.

Hermione looked after him. Suddenly feeling left behind, she simply retreated to her bedroom. When laying down her gaze fell on the ring, which she took between her fingers to dwell on the lovely feelings it evoked. She valued it highly for the gesture it was and then let her tears flow freely.

About ten minutes later, she oppressed a sob, when someone entered her room. Bugger! Had she woken Draco with giving-in to her breakdown?

No, she sensed it was Severus, he moved differently from Draco. Quietly, he lay down facing her. Had she fallen asleep and was dreaming now?

"Are you real?" she asked without touching him.

"Whatever pleases you," he whispered in his smooth voice.

"_Real _pleases me very much." She reached out to touch his chest.

He moved himself closer and cuddled her up to him.

"I made you that ring to wear it and not to leave it on the bedside table, when you recognize you don't feel well. And spare me comments on not wanting to be trouble or believing this to be the adult way. For my peace of mind, I refrain from assuming how often you've lain here sobbing like now. Your attitude troubles me more than your condition," he said lowly-voiced but firmly. "Do you want to talk?"

"No, no talking. You've already done more than I ever had the right to expect today-. Could you stay a bit longer? I mean just some minutes?" she asked shyly.

"I had no intention to leave before morning," he ensured. The thoughts of inappropriateness that had haunted him since he had activated the wards at his quarters to inform him of visitors during his absence were gone.

Hermione pressed a kiss to his chest and then buried her face into it inhaling him. Severus instantly had to remind himself to stay controlled and added in a whisper, "Especially not when it's this cozy, but please consider that I'm also just human." It was hard for him to grasp that she clutched to him while a young man her age – and an attractive one at that – with whom she had a very close relation and who would surely offer to console her, slept next door. That was quite an ego boost.

"Impossible to ignore," she returned. When she grabbed his shirt Severus clutched her hand and stroked it softly with his thumb, while mentally counting to 100 and breathing deeply.


	17. Chapter 15 Where my loyalties lie

**15 Where my loyalties lie**

**02 April 2000**

"Mom wants to know if you'll stay with us over the holidays. And if you want to for how long," Ginny informed Hermione, who immediately knew that she wasn't in the least intended to take Molly up on that offer. It was polite, but felt inappropriate after everything. Their peace was still fragile, especially between Hermione, Ron and Molly. She sensed the vibes and didn't lie to herself: the Weasley matriarch invited her due to expectations of her family and because of warm feelings towards her.

Ginny recognized her hesitation of course.

"You could bring the mysterious donor of your new jewelry," she added with a knowing smile and a look at her hand.

Suddenly it became even quieter, which Hermione hadn't believed possible in a library in which only the four of them sat. Judged by their staring, the boys took a sudden interest in the girls' conversation. Hermione looked at her silver ring, which was formed by an otter and a doe. She smiled absently.

"I'll tell you tomorrow."

Suddenly Hermione didn't feel like confronting them with her declining as she expected it to be followed by questioning her for reasons, which in turn would evoke a sense of duty regarding justifications for her reaction. No, not today, she decided. She was not ready to spoil the rather relaxed atmosphere, which she enjoyed so much.

"Oi, you having a lover 'Mione?" Ron asked bluntly.

"A _lover_?" Hermione repeated slowly, "Really now? Better finish reading!"

"What? Why? I mean-," Ron started again.

"Oh Ron, shut it before she strangles you-," Harry weighed-in.

"Or I do," Ginny interrupted.

"Right, before _some girl_ strangles you. But, ahem, 'Mione-, are you _seeing_ someone?" Harry asked disarmingly.

She chuckled.

"Let's say I have someone giving me jewelry."

"It's beautiful," Ginny said honestly.

"Yes, I think so, too."

When Mrs. Pince's voice informed them that the library would be closed soon, Hermione decided to invite them to her quarters for tea and talking and they happily took her up on the offer. It felt good, she had to admit and the timing was perfect since Draco was outside on the school grounds with Louis practicing flying.

They were all lounging comfortably on the sofa and the armchairs and in the minute that Ron complained intensely about their learning bulk for the NEWTS and Hermione repeatedly reminding him that he had had the chance to be a full-time student and how this would have made things easier, Draco purposefully entered Hermione's sitting room.

"Velve, I need-," he stopped short at the unexpected sight of the other three Gryffindors. He stared from them to Hermione and back, obviously at a loss of what to do now.

Ron was the first to react and he jumped to his feet, wand drawn.

"Malfoy, what the heck?" he exclaimed.

Hermione just gestured towards Ron and rose to her feet as well.

"Shush! And put your wand away this instant!"

She assessed Draco in his disheveled state, emotional turmoil written all over his face and was concerned enough to keep her eyes fixed on him.

"I'm afraid I've to ask you to leave," she said matter-of-factly.

Silence filled the room. With a suddenly pain-stricken look Draco pressed his lips together and turned around to leave.

"Not you, idiot!" Hermione called loudly after him.

Draco turned around and looked as irritated as the rest of them.

"Sit down," she commanded gently and gestured at the sofa behind her before she addressed the others, "It was lovely to have you here and I'd like to have breakfast together. Around eight?"

Ginny had risen to her feet tugging Harry with her.

"Sounds perfect."

"Why is Malfoy bloody Death Eater here?" Ron asked no one in particular.

"Nobody here is a Death Eater or had really been one," Hermione intervened sternly, "Here are solely people, who spent their childhood in a war as anxious victims of the circumstances that were forced on them by adults, who should have known better."

"What are you talking about? Of course he was, he has the mark! And you were- tortured in the home of this ferret, by his family, while he watched," Ron shouted enraged.

Points for saying tortured in favor of fucked, Hermione thought.

"I remember it every day," she answered in what she hoped would pass as a steady and calm voice and shoved up her pullover exposing the mudblood scar to them all. "I wear a mark, too. But I'm _not _what it says. It was forced on me and the same people forced his on him. Draco was threatened with the life of his parents and in his fear did what was necessary to save them. It's not as if he had had options to ask for help between all those Death Eaters. And when we're honest with ourselves, we should admit that not only we, but also the teachers had already written him and all Slytherins off as a lost cause. I mean, don't get me wrong, I remember the prejudiced prat he was and everything he did and it's surely not far from me to claim moral high-ground, but despite everything all of us have been through, we mustn't forget that judging him by our then-experience might be a bit too easy: He was a frightened kid too, maybe worse than we, because Voldemort sat right there in his home with his disgusting snake and searing terror in his heart for months, night and day. And nevertheless he avoided acting according to his mark whenever possible. I know that first hand, because what he did saved my life." Her tone of voice unmistakably forbade further discussion.

The silence was deafening.

Ginny smiled slightly at her and while tugging her brother with her, she shoved Harry towards the door.

"Good night you two," she greeted.

In the doorframe Harry turned around.

"But he simply entered. Malfoy, how do you know her password?"

But before Draco could answer, though right now he didn't appear to be tempted to participate at all, Hermione intervened as she didn't fancy a fight between the men now. She was glad that Ron had meanwhile chosen to just gape at Draco from the door.

"Harry, it's alright. I'll fill you in tomorrow," she assured him.

"You have to change your password, 'Mione.- And I'd rather not leave you alone with him," he now insisted.

Hermione snorted at this as she immediately remembered the obnoxious attitude she had to endure from those that now insisted on defending her. She would have to do some setting the picture straight tomorrow. But not now. Now Draco needed to talk.

"Harry, I appreciate your concern, but if there was anything to worry about you had rather recognized by my reaction by now, don't you think? We'll talk tomorrow. Good night," she dismissed them.

Ginny tugged at Harry's shoulder and dragged him along, but he wasn't willing to give up, yet.

"But, I don't- I mean, why-," was as far as he came before they heard Ginny say, "Because they are _friends_, Harry." And with that she closed the door behind them.

Hermione was slightly amused that his mind apparently refused to take up her polite but insistent chuck-out of _them_ in favor of this special Slytherin. Taking a deep breath she faced the paler than usual Draco and settled down next to him on the sofa.

"Sorry for the delay, dear. What happened? Who will we have to jinx?"

"You defended me," Draco said incredulous and slowly turned to face her.

"Uh, I see. You're not with me yet," she said and found herself looking into confused eyes. She took his hand. It was cold, "Of course I did. But you've heard it all before."

Draco nodded. Yes he had, but that she did it in front of her friends, if this was the adequate term for them, came unexpected. His grey eyes pierced her brown ones trying to detect her truth. Becoming aware of how much he had come to trust in their bond, Draco not only wanted but needed to believe in her passion and feared being hurt.

"You kicked your friends out for me."

"Ahem, I _asked_ them to leave, because my- _best-disposed enemy_ stormed-in looking rather shaken. It was no hardship actually. But frankly, I thought our arrangements and the fact that you are able to storm into my quarters _at all_ kind of showed where my loyalties lie? Goodness, Malfoy, did our close contact break your inner Slytherin?" She teased slightly and found herself suddenly in a hug and patting Draco's back. They had never hugged before. It felt strange to have him this close, but no party-related panic arose. Quite the contrary actually since Hermione felt indeed touched by his emotion. Subconsciously she breathed in the clean, coastal scent from his Scottish sea-kelp soap, which she had secretly come to love during their stay in Spinner's End.

"You defended me- adamantly." His voice was shaky and brought Hermione back to the topic at hand.

"Of course."

"I don't need to be defended," he added stung.

"I know," Hermione tightened her embrace reassuringly and decided to not follow this path and simply repeated her question from before, "What happened?"

Draco slowly let go of her.

"Jealousy and fear. I got carried away and ended up in a verbal fight with Martin about Louis or rather _over_ Louis, who naturally walked in on us. He must have heard more before and was not amused to be treated as a 'belonging'. Then he told me he might want a break to gather his thoughts."

"How come you fight with Martin? I mean Louis is obviously infatuated with you."

"That annoying bastard keeps turning the knife in the wound of my past. Making sure my deeds are remembered in detail by everyone, behind my back of course. And no matter what you say, I'm still the villain in this story and I still deserve to suffer, but there is only so much I can take of that. I intended to talk sense into him and, well, I let him provoke me and got carried away and- you know the rest. Louis refused to hear me out," he said with a despaired voice, which made Hermione entwine her fingers with his and when she squeezed his hand, he clutched to hers.

"You know that it's hard for me to try for nice and decent. Not really right up my street, especially not when being challenged. And I shouldn't care. I'm changing and if he doesn't value what he has in me, let him-"

"Oookay. Don't go there, dear! Would you like some advice or did you just want to get it out?"

He breathed hard. He couldn't believe that he was having such a conversation at all. Allowing those overwhelming emotions to rule him made him weak. He could almost hear his father mock him from his cell in Azkaban for such undignified behavior. He wished he could convince himself to retreat to numbness.

"I take what you offer," he said in hopeful despair, voice all shaky.

"Alright. First of all, nice and decent are totally right up your street. You are just leashing out when insecure. Don't put yourself down. You're managing a most impressive change, and not from bad to good but from a showy personality to your true one and that's so brave," she smiled warmly at Draco and he squeezed her hand again, "My suggestion is a bit Gryffindor: Talk to him as soon as possible. The way I perceive Louis, I should say he is trustworthy and really interested in you. Thus, be open and generous with information on how you feel. And not only for him, but regarding school, your House and please don't leave out the issue of being a Malfoy and former Death Eater. That's an important part of your history and life and crucial to understand who you are now. I volunteer to vouch for your profound change and noble character."

She looked at him and another thought appeared.

"Unless of course he has a problem with my past or me being Muggleborn or Gryffindor. Then I'd also volunteer to retreat from knowing you closer," she added and fought the crawling sadness from shining through. Hermione was well aware that they talked about another pureblood Slytherin.

Draco, however, snorted inelegantly.

"How noble of you, Velve, but the good ship of us getting along has set sail some weeks ago already and is now well on the way, however, if this were the case with Louis, I wouldn't want him. I too know where my loyalties lie," Draco said firmly and Hermione, all flabbergasted and sensitive now, returned his hug from before.

"We really do hugs now, huh?" Draco grinningly asked while stroking her back.

"Did you just feel the chilly breeze, too?" she returned and when Draco shot her a puzzled look, Hermione simply shrugged her shoulders. "Probably just hell freezing over," she added with a blink and they both chuckled.

"Allowing oneself to openly care for people is bloody frightening. I feel helpless in the face of it," he conceded. "How do you still manage that with everything you've been through?"

"Well, you've to start training to ride this special dragon in early childhood and then the best ones are awarded by being sorted into Gryffindor," she said with a bright smile and indeed Draco had to grin.

"Thank Merlin, I averted that disaster," he said.

She grinned as well. "Acting true to yourself is always worth it in the end, because you have people, who love you, listen to you and _tease_ you," she reassured him. "Look at us here right now!"

A shy knock at the door interrupted them and on opening, Hermione stood face-to-face with an apparently strained Louis.

After having smiled at the black Frenchman, she turned around to Draco on the sofa. "And you might also want to look at your boyfriend," Hermione tied in with her previous comment and a telling look.

After the suddenly even paler Draco had nodded slowly and while getting to his feet, she asked Louis invitingly inside. At the sight of his blonde man he seemed to have gotten over his shyness as he determinedly approached his lover, cupped the back of his head and leaned-in to kiss him. Then he broke the kiss, but his hand held Draco's head in place, when they came to stand with their foreheads pressed together.

"You are an idiot when you believe for one second that I'd be interested in anyone but you," Louis said in a low voice. "I gave this some thought and came to the conclusion that this- misinterpretation is very likely resulting from rubbing-off of Gryffindor traits from your great friend here. So I decided to better make my feelings impossible to misinterpret," he added.

Draco meanwhile steadied himself at Louis' hips and repeated their kiss. Hermione was positively surprised by his compliment and touched by their relationship and when it became obvious that they didn't plan to stop exploring each other anytime soon, rather the contrary, she whisperingly Accioed the blanket from her armchair and silently retreated into the hallway.

On her way, she reminded herself that she mustn't forget to tell the boys that the new trio might spread the rumor of Hermione and Draco being a couple as Ginny very obviously had misinterpreted the situation - not that she could be blamed for it. It made her smile as it occurred to her what their faces would look like had they knowledge of the truth regarding Draco's and her love interest.

She decided to go up the Astronomy Tower, the view was lovely and tucked-up in her blanket and with an additional warming charm she might be able to catch some sleep even before it was safe to return to her quarters. Draco now owed her, she swore to herself to make him pay. Dinner would be nice she mused and grinned to herself. She would love to have the chance to just go to a boyfriend of her own in situations like these. Well, there was one man that popped up during such musings immediately, but this option was out of the question and in addition, Hermione was rather sure that her overall physical state would very likely not result in a longer relationship. Maybe never, since the wizarding world was keen on reproduction due to being a small population anyway; and she was still the immoral subject.

A thought regarding her future that had developed during the last year already became increasingly solid: Her return to the Muggle world after school seemed inevitable: Harry held no prejudices regarding this, she didn't care about Ron, Draco of course still held many prejudices but would undoubtedly be fine without her with Louis as his lover and Severus as a kind of surrogate father – their ties ran deep and he would support him. And since leaving Hogwarts would in any case mean not being close to Severus anymore, it didn't matter if she sent an owl from a Muggle home where she wasn't judged for moral dubiety or a Wizarding one where she would always be. The pit in her stomach grew at the realization that she in fact just wanted to have it all: living amongst wizards, acknowledged rather than condemned for her sacrifice, surrounded by her friends and especially having Severus closely around, ideally as lover. Her lip twitched slightly at this truth, it was crazy and unrealistic, she knew, but likely healthy to allow herself to think it at least. However, instead of all this, she would physically be on her own again soon and although knowing she could manage it, she didn't want to. Deciding to give-in to her sadness, she slowly drifted off to sleep.

Waking up on hearing a man clearing his throat, she was only shortly confused about her whereabouts. Of course it had to be Severus to find her – he was the only one regularly patrolling the corridors at night. Going by his silence she was surely in for point loss and detentions. She should have visited him instead of coming up here.

"Good evening, Professor," she said in a low voice.

"Explain yourself," he commanded. His heart raced at the anticipation of her reaction to his tone. He mustn't care anymore for his sake.

Hermione shot him a puzzled look since she hadn't expected such harshness in return. She decided prudence to be the better part of valor.

"I simply fell asleep on enjoying the view."

"It's well past curfew. Move." Severus congratulated himself to have managed to Occlude his arising gentle feelings on seeing her obvious confusion. He was hurting too much, this had to stop.

She walked a step behind him, slowly gathering herself. What was wrong? She tried to find explanations in her sleepy brain. On the second floor she finally broke the silence. "What's my punishment, sir?"

"Why were you up there sleeping when you have the privilege of your own quarters? Trouble in paradise?" he sneered.

Hermione was confused what _paradise_ he was aiming at. "They were occupied. Someone was eager to impress and I didn't want to spoil the surprise, so I went for a walk until it's done and settled for a break."

"Eager to impress," he stated.

"Eager to _impress_," she repeated meaningfully and was sure he could do the math knowing that Draco was practically living with her and after having joined-in the joke himself a month ago. Thinking about sharing Draco's joy with him, she decided to refrain from it given the mood of their Head of House and the curfew problem. After the probably passionate reunion they had just enjoyed, she didn't intend to end their evening with trouble, should they still be in her sitting room.

In the entrance hall Severus stopped his meanwhile furious pace and when he turned around to her she could feel the strain radiating from him and avoided his gaze. She felt it resting on her heavily. Severus couldn't stop himself from staring, while fighting his inner battle. Emotional and physical distance was the only solution. Severus already couldn't handle the pain she caused him now. He hated that he allowed her this power over him and that he had knowingly brought himself into this emotional tantrum, which he felt unable to handle appropriately. For Merlin's sake he had been an adult as a kid already, why was this so hard? He knew the answers, but didn't like them and also wasn't ready to deal with hearing the truth from her. No confronting her, he decided. All impossibilities and his inabilities made him angry.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor." Without another word he abruptly turned to head for the dungeons leaving her alone.

Hermione simply looked after him in shocked confusion and folded her arms to prevent herself from shaking. Some distant part of her mind knew that this had just been a crucial encounter. She was cold and a lump formed in her throat, while she tried to unravel in what she had just participated. She had expected him to at least comment on the impression issue or her safety at night in the hallways. But instead he had simply left her alone here. The ridiculously high amount likely served as compensation for the detentions he had desisted from imposing. This was one way to avoid privacy. And in her eyes his whole demeanor proved this wish of his. No smoothly voiced Hermione, it occurred to her. The lump now turned into pain and the disappointment grabbed her stomach and her eyes filled with tears. They had hardly spent time with each other for some weeks and their last real close moment had meanwhile been a month ago. But what had happened that made him act so out of character? She unsuccessfully tried to make sense of it, while still staring at the spot where he had disappeared into the dungeons. Intuition told her that his offer to drop by anytime was off the table and she decided to listen to it and thus fought the desire to follow him and ask for an explanation. She couldn't deal with hearing the truth as right now he surely wouldn't bother to wrap it in niceties. _Severus, where are you? What happened?_ she thought desperately.


	18. Chapter 16 Your sensitive side

_Hello into the world. I'm back after having had the most stressful time finishing university. And I finally did it on Thursday :-))) so I've some capacity to keep this baby here going :-) _

_Thank you so much for your patience!_

* * *

**16 Your sensitive side**

**20/04/2000**

"Class dismissed. Get out and don't dawdle!"

He was every inch of dark and menacing that the Potions master has ever been credited for. Hermione tried to catch his eye, but once again wasn't successful. After she had finished packing her stuff together, she glanced once more to the open door that led into the storage room into which he had disappeared after having dismissed the class. Hermione knew he wouldn't return until she would have left and so she forced herself to slowly head for her quarters. Hermione was lost for explanations on his complete refusal to converse with her, which has lasted for 18 days now, and thus also for how to proceed. It was Holy Thursday and Potions had been the last class before the Easter holidays. Ever since the Christmas holidays she had looked forward to spending the next holidays in the home he had offered her so freely. Two and a half weeks ago she had found his beautiful ice-blue pain potion on her bedside table, without a note attached or something explanatory to follow. The same had happened last Sunday and he kept actively avoiding her. She was overwhelmed by a strange feeling of defeat and a profound feeling of loss, but didn't have the urge to share it. The only person she could tell anyway was Draco and some part of her haunted mind feared that he would point at her and laugh and say something like "Got ya!" Hermione felt like losing her mind. Gladly the blond man was infatuated with Louis and thus he so far hadn't recognized what was going on since they had caught up with class work some weeks ago already and detentions had been cancelled in favor of Hermione dropping by on short notice to brew some potions that either Severus or Madame Pomfrey needed restocking for. Three times she had told Draco she would go brewing with Severus to prevent suspicions, but instead had gone to the small garden where she had wanted to end it on Christmas Day, knowing no one would find her there.

Every other day she was attempted to knock at one of Severus' doors, but since he was so obviously avoiding her, it was far from her to force her company on him.

There was something else that prevented her from knocking: The well-known feeling that comes with being unmistakably rejected. As much as she despised the nights, which she spent lying in bed considering possible reasons for his change in attitude, one more unpleasant and obscure than the next, she still considered this more bearable than a mere statement of rejection, because since there hadn't been a fight or even something close to this, his reasons couldn't be terribly convincing. Additionally, this uncertainty also left her to hope. Well, to hope whatever for exactly she couldn't quite say. Hermione was confused and heartbroken and missed the freely offered intimate moments. But what haunted her most was a tiny memory of Christmas Day, when she had shared her fear that he would retreat from being nice. Maybe he didn't even remember this. Abruptly, the thought that she had simply finally unnerved him beyond belief painfully popped-up although she knew that this was nonsense and simply her mind trying to make sense. She wondered whether the wards in Spinner's End would still acknowledge her. Shaking her head at all the various ways her thoughts meandered through her brain, the young woman suddenly realized that the uncertainty would drive her profoundly insane over the two holiday weeks alone in a tent. Right now she nearly wished she hadn't declined the offer to stay at the Burrow and that Draco hadn't already left with Louis for France. She was tempted to join them instead of going to Italy. But no, they needed some alone time together. Louis was a good man, they complimented each other well and now things became serious very fast and she didn't want to interfere in Draco's introduction to Louis' parents. Merlin, she was looking forward to the whole story.

But before she had to clarify her own. Yes, she needed some clarity – _any_ clarity – and then she could use the holidays to come to terms with it before school started again. Shortly before having reached her quarters Hermione abruptly turned around in a whirl and determinedly headed back to the Potions classroom.

.o.O.o.

"Professor, may I have a word, please?" she asked politely on entering the open classroom without making herself known by at least knocking on the doorframe and she also immediately mentally face-palmed herself for the over-anxious approach and for wording it as a question. Even she would kick herself out.

He looked at her gloomily, but she didn't stop approaching the desk behind which he meanwhile sat. As his gaze darkened, she stopped walking, but had already made it halfway through the classroom. She wouldn't back off and oh, she wanted to.

Taking his gaze in, her heart made itself known and revealed that it feared being about to be broken for sure. Some part of her brain suddenly insisted on recognizing that her body had obviously known what it did by simply having stormed in here. Right now Hermione was very sure that had she stopped by the door, she would have run by now. Instead she forced herself to hold her chin up high and his gaze steadily.

"Miss Granger. Lost all your manners in the last ten minutes, have you?" he asked reproachful.

"Not all of them. I apologize for having stormed in," she answered and started approaching again. "I really need to speak with you. Five minutes at most. Please, sir," she almost begged, suddenly realizing how hard this really was about to be.

"Don't dawdle!" he growled while something in his gaze flickered.

As she came to stand in front of his desk he rose to his feet and towered over her. Goodness, she thought desperately, what had she actually done to make him act on her like this? She flicked the classroom door close with a wave. He arched an eyebrow, but before he could say anything she clarified that this was private and that she was sure both of them wanted it to stay so. This information didn't go down well with him. His scowl deepened.

Feeling her courage fall, she spontaneously decided for a way of confronting him that had worked before and which seemed to be the least intimidating one to her exhausted mind right now.

"Severus, I-," is how far she came.

"Inappropriate familiarity, Miss Granger!" he interrupted.

She was suddenly close to yelling at the man, whose bed she had shared, and throwing some vials at the walls in a nice temper tantrum.

Swallowing and holding his gaze she tried to center herself by reminding herself of her strength: she had withstood. She was a survivor. She would survive this. She would survive all his displays of rejecting her and her desperate desire to be welcomed by him and be encircled in his arms – bugger!

"Oh, please enlighten me on the rules again, would you? They seem to change according to some super-ordinate protocol that shirks my understanding. When we checked six weeks ago you were d'accord with familiarity not only in _very_ private situations, but also in _simply_ private ones. Since the holidays have officially started fifteen minutes ago, the door is firmly closed-shut and it is just the two of us, I fail to see the distinction."

"Ten points from Gryffindor for insolence. What did you want to discuss?" he growled with a deepness that sounded like she was close to becoming potions ingredients.

_Idiot man! Very well, plan b it is_, she thought,_ so get it over with it then grab your tent and Apparate in time to watch the wonderful Italian dusk. To hell with him!_

Lowering her gaze to the elegant quill on his desk since she couldn't bear his hostility, she continued astonishingly steadily-voiced.

"I didn't want to discuss anything, just ask your opinion, _sir_, because I'm at a loss. Since rather recently I have this unusual friend to whom I grew quite attached and of whom I liked to think that he kind of did too. He astonished me on many levels, being generous, kind, observant and caring while being witty, sharp and humorous-"

"Spare me further schmaltz! He sounds like a mother-in-law's dream. My advice is to go for him. I think we're done then?" he spat dismissively.

Hermione stared at him for a second until she grasped that the observance skills of the praised man were obviously lost in whatever turmoil he currently stuck due to being forced to be in a room with her. And this made her bite her bottom lip to prevent herself from barking a laugh considering what he had just advised her to do. This would have been funnier had the overall situation not been so distressing. But despite being hurt by his rudeness, she couldn't deny that it was funny nevertheless.

"Oh he is so _not_ perfect and certainly not in the sense of a mother-in-law's dream. Not that this plays a role in my case," she continued nonchalantly.

That caught Severus off-guard and his gaze softened slightly.

"He helped me when I thought I was beyond help and continued to do so until lately. I hoped we'd be spending some time of the holidays together, but since he withdrew from me lately and didn't renew his offer of me visiting him, I am at a loss what to do about it. In the end, I haven't known him closely for very long. Otherwise it would have been easier of course." Hermione explained further with a challenging look.

"Do I appear to you as a couple therapist? For Merlin's sake, Hermione, pull yourself together and go where you want to go. And in case he realizes that he was stupid enough to let you down, he will be able to come-up with means in his _oh-so-witty_ brain to contact you, won't he? But nevertheless think about deducing from his behavior to the authenticity of his caring interests," he blurted out in something close to furor.

She processed it all. The dark man had just somehow lost his temper, which was unusual and he had called her Hermione again. Furiously, granted, but nevertheless. And he had implicitly complimented her by calling her boyfriend stupid for letting her down. Time to clarify who she was talking about, since his spy instincts indeed seemed to be disabled somehow.

"I trust they were authentic. Everything was. He had offered so much in so many ways for the remainder of the whole Christmas holidays to ensure me that I wasn't beyond fixing and forgiveness. Believe it or not, I even willingly put books aside for our conversations and enjoyed my stay to the fullest," Hermione now admitted with a disarming smile.

That hit home with Severus and it shortly appeared as though he might have a stroke. She braced herself for being shouted at and thrown out of the room and his private life forever.

"You- You were not talking about your boyfriend?" he asked angrily.

"I don't even recall officially having one," she answered mildly, wondering where he got that impression from. "You very likely would have noticed. This is after all a boarding school and we were- _close_ until about six weeks ago. Had my feelings changed, I surely had brought that topic up. Out of fairness towards you at the very least," she said, barely able to restrain herself from rolling her eyes at him. It hit her that she had just confessed her feelings for him. Severus obviously hadn't recognized that since he had meanwhile walked around his desk to really tower above her.

"You talked about visiting the Weasley clan for Easter and dragging along the mysterious donor of your new jewelry," he spat.

In the second after she had remembered the conversation between Harry, Ginny, Ron and her in the library, when Ginny had told her about Molly's invitation to stay over the Easter holidays, every part of the mess in her head fell into place. The same night Severus had found her sleeping in the Astronomy Tower and had then dismissed her rudely. It was in the wee hours of the following morning that she had found the potion on her bedside table for the first time. And even though it had clicked now, Hermione couldn't quite believe the outcome. Was he really "just" some weird kind of jealous? Did he dare to treat her like that for unverified bits and pieces of a conversation? This was enough for her to snap. She took a firm step towards him and stared up at him menacingly.

"Severus Snape, have you been eavesdropping on me in the library? And don't you dare lying to me!" she asked accusingly and poked her index finger into his chest.

"This is highly inappropriate, Miss-," he started, his voice reflecting his irritation.

"And don't you dare Miss-Grangering me now or threat me with irrational high point loss or detentions to serve for supposed insolence, Severus! You certainly are in no position whatsoever after having behaved like a five-year old by punishing me with the silent treatment over something you accidentally and only partially overheard and even interpreted all wrongly! And I don't care about whatever comes to your mind to potentially belittle me and my emotionality on this matter, because _you made me feel miserable_," and now she practically screamed at him, "_over nothing I had done or done with me_. I spent hours each night trying to figure out what I possibly could have done to you to make you act that way," Hermione stepped back, suddenly needing to distance herself from him, "I may be a know-it-all but that certainly does not imply mind-reading abilities you daft idi- man! At least in the year before with all the others I could put my finger on what the reason for their rejection was. Merlin-, I am literally so sick of it. And you- _you_ of all people, _you_ as the one, who knew all about the drama- _you did this now_! _You_\- whom I had told that I feared your anew withdrawal- You knew it!" She swallowed, "Merlin, I wonder if you had inquired about my absence over the weekend or the holidays or if this would have slipped _your_ 'oh-so-witty brain'. I may be inexperienced with this, but I'm very sure that there are pro-relationship ways through jealousy. Better find one of those to avoid collateral damage should you ever be in such a situation again. Oh and actually listen to what the other says instead of busying yourself showing bias, because had you just done that, you'd have recognized that I just served you my feelings on a silvery platter," she finished her speech.

Her heart and pulse raced and she felt an anxiety attack arriving. She had believed herself over those now, but obviously wasn't. She needed to get out now and since he seemed captured by the intensity of her outburst and made no visible attempt to answer, she turned around and marched right out of class, flicking the door shut behind her with a violent enthusiasm that corresponded with her feelings.

Due to the adrenaline pumping through her veins and an enormous amount of willpower triggered by the fear of being found and at worst being ignored by Severus when lying petrified in the corridor, it was very likely that she would really make it back to her quarters just within time before the attack would set in to its fullest. And it was going to be an intense one, she already felt it now that it was approaching – for the first time nearly five months.

.o.O.o.

The loud plop of Pank's arrival made her bolt upright in bed. She hadn't been able to sleep very well anyway. After the panic attack had subsided, very slowly this time, she had showered quickly, changed the sweaty bed sheets and had returned to bed. Winky had brought her some steamed vegetable for dinner, which she had eaten in bed.

Thank Merlin, everyone had left for their respective holiday destination already and so Hermione had been given the chance to live through her anxiety attack on her own and without fear of disturbing or being disturbed by anyone. She had decided to leave for Italy in the morning, some rest before Apparating that long a distance was clearly recommended. Then she would come back to visit the Weasleys for the spring party they had invited her to. All contemplations on taking them up on their offer to stay with them during the holidays had ended in the conviction that this wouldn't be right for her. Although somehow everything had been properly addressed and forgiven, the old feeling of familiarity still hadn't been restored in Hermione at least. So going there for a day to celebrate, eat, talk and dance was fine, but she wouldn't stay there for a fortnight to do anyone a favor or follow wishes if this came at the cost of her peace of mind and challenged her inner balance more than it was anyway with the Severus issue.

Pank's concern was written all over his wide eyes and tensed ears.

"Miss must come to Potions master. He is having very bad dreams. Miss must help, please. Pank can't wake Potions master."

Hermione shortly needed to progress what she heard. Severus was having a nightmare? And a serious one obviously.

She took her wand from the bedside table and in that second Pank had already taken hold of her arm and Apparated them both directly into Severus' bedroom and left her alone with him instantly.

Hermione assessed the sweaty form in the bed. He looked positively sick, very pale, his skin clammy and the whole body tensed up. Merlin, she didn't like the sight of him like this at all and without further thinking climbed into the bed next to him.

She tugged his arm slightly and firmly addressed him, but he didn't react to her, not even when she increased her force. Now she knew what Pank was referring to. It was unsettling, especially when he started to call her name in such a pleading tone that she felt a lump forming in her throat.

"Severus, I'm here. It's alright. I'm here," she tried to soothe him.

At that he let out a tormented moan.

"I didn't mean to, I, please don't go," he begged distressed in his dream.

Hermione lay down, hugged him close and settled his head on her chest all the while soothingly telling him that she was there and that he'd only need to open his eyes to see it was real. She kissed his head, like he had done with her before and caressed his right cheek with her thumb. After a while he suddenly clutched her painfully making her hiss with surprise and pain.

"Severus! It's okay, I'm here. Wake up, dear," she insisted more loudly, hoping he'd loosen his grip and indeed he did.

Hermione instantly started to stroke his cheek again and kept repeating that she was there with him and that everything was fine. His breathing slowed down until he suddenly held his breath and then she knew he had finally woken up.

"Am I dreaming? Are you- real?" he asked irritated, but remained motionless.

She smiled slightly at his word choice. She knew she had asked him the same question, when he once had unexpectedly appeared in her bed.

"Whatever pleases you," she answered.

"Real pleases me very much," he kept repeating their dialog. "But- you left," he added and now moved his head to face her. Their faces were so close that it distracted her shortly.

"I'm here." She smiled reassuringly at him and unable to resist any longer, she kissed his forehead, tasting his salty sweat on her lips. "I'm real," she ensured.

Severus, who had indulged into the intimate gesture of her kiss, opened his eyes again.

"Why?" He heaved himself up a bit to be able to look at her properly.

Hermione was puzzled, but decided that he probably aimed at her presence in his bed _now_.

"Pank retrieved me when he wasn't able to wake you from your nightmare. The elves seem to think we are nightmare buddies," she said with a disarming grin.

He felt embarrassed at the thought that they now both knew about it and its extent. He cursed himself for having forgotten to charm his bedroom properly before going to bed. After the turmoil today, this had to be expected.

"He shouldn't have disturbed you. I'm old enough to be trusted with living through some- stirring dreams on my own. You may leave now," he dismissed her, but then adding placably, "After all you need to rest well, too."

Hermione had been able to read from his changed expression that he was about to say something undesirable and had made sure her expression wouldn't betray any emotion this might trigger. She watched him intently instead.

"It was more a _purring_ dream and you were emotionally challenged in it, I could tell. I'd rather not leave you alone," she said.

"As I said, you need your sleep, too. I'm going to have a shower," he sidestepped her question.

Hermione forced herself to stay calm at his obvious incompetence to admit what he wanted and instead going for being deliberately problematic. Again. How could this major setback have occurred after months of mutual understanding and proximity? Have all her sermons and numerous reassurances during the last months really been in vain? Has he really not understood what she felt?

"I didn't imply staying awake. I could sleep here. If you are uncomfortable to share your bed with me, I gladly relocate to your sofa for the remainder of the night. Or do you _want_ me to go? That, of course, would make a difference," she said.

"Though hating to, I will repeat myself a _third_ time: You need to be well-rested tomorrow, too, and the sofa is tiny," he answered tightly.

Hermione decided to ignore his tone. She didn't fancy a substitute fight over this when another topic to quarrel about presented itself or rather was presented by this unnerving man.

"I'm a witch, I can make it comfy, but talking about repetitions: That's _not_ what I asked, Severus. I asked if you _wanted_ me to go," she clarified.

This increasingly resembled pulling teeth the Muggle way.

"I fear I don't have the power to stand my ground against an overly nosey elf and- you."

He avoided her gaze. After all that had been said and yelled today, she was still here, to soothe him and even offering to stay. She had kissed him, tenderly so. Although he was sweaty and generally just really unsociable, which surely only added to this unattractiveness. Severus wanted her to stay, next to him in bed, not on the sofa, but knew that he had no right to do so. He had thought she had a boyfriend and was happy, but instead she had felt rejected and unsettled all the time; just like he had. He had failed her the last fortnight and certainly didn't deserve her kindness. She had been on spot in her reproach after class.

"I'm off for the bathroom," he said and turned to leave.

Hermione had to breathe very controlled. She was close to snapping. Really close. But he had done this for her so she'd do the same for him. But only on shouting distance, otherwise she might strangle him in his sleep. The sofa should suffice for that when they left the doors open.

She Accioed a linen from his drawer and simply took the silvery-grey blanket that was sitting on the sofa anyway. _Impossible man_, she mused gloomily. She had been reassuring him over and over again, the first time when he was jealous of Draco. Oh, she would like to fill the young man in on this now, but she knew if she did, he'd feel obliged to care for her _now_. No, he'd get an elaborated version of the whole story on his return, with popcorn.

She heard the water stop and settled into the corner of the sofa. She didn't fancy lying down should he come in. Hermione tucked herself up nicely under the blanket. Apart from the color it was the same like in Severus' house, but this smelled of Severus. His soil-after-rain and herbs smell. She hadn't been able yet to detect why anyone would naturally smell like this. She closed her eyes, felt the homely blanket-feeling and fought the upcoming sadness of not having the chance to be next to him. Gods, she knew their relation still was unnamably special, well, more unnamably than special right now, but she desired his physical closeness and had been so looking forward to their time together. The weirdest part of this _thing_ they had or had had, was that he seemed to be really jealous, so she should be happy that he obviously felt something along the lines of what she did, but somehow it was rather menacing instead of calming. She had understood him insofar as that he was more likely to withdraw when being emotionally challenged, while others would rather jump-in and fight. He wasn't used to affection and thus, when it was offered, scared to go for it as there was this risk of having it taken away again. The risk of getting hurt. _Bugger!_ She'd have another talk with him. One last try. Otherwise she'd never know about the _if_ and she needed to know.

Severus interrupted her thoughts by sitting down on the sofa next to her. At the feeling of the sofa moving next to her feet, Hermione opened her eyes and looked at him questioningly over her cocked legs. But he didn't seem inclined to say anything or look at her. There he was, the very private Severus, with damp hair, a white T-Shirt and pajama pants. Hermione had come to like the sight of him like this back in December and January. One day he had just started to move around the house in the mornings like this. Then she had realized for herself that he had really accepted her as part of it and not just a guest. She sighed at the lovely memory and smiled at little to herself, which drew Severus attention to her.

"Anything funny?" he asked acidly.

"Very many things, actually, but none of them apply to this right now." She gestured at them both, fighting the urge to grab and shake him. "However, when you are referring to the smile you just witnessed, you misinterpreted happiness for amusement," she added.

She didn't fancy explaining the basic human emotions and expressions to an adult. Not again, not tonight, not after her anxiety attack today and the preceding two weeks. She wanted him to be an emotionally well-developed adult. Just for tonight, for Merlin's sake.

"And what if I may ask makes you this happy right now?"

"Memories of times I cherish a lot," she offered.

"Uh, lovely, yes, one has to take at least mental precautions when being forced to spend one's time in a situation, because courtesy demands to return a mutual commitment," he said sarcastically.

Hermione suddenly leaned towards him.

"Oh, shut it, will you! I trust I've made it very clear that I'm here out of free will, you daft man," she hissed at him.

Severus assessed her intently, obviously slightly speechless by her reaction. When his gaze reached hers, she held it provocatively without flinching until he took a deep breath.

"Why would you prefer staying with me over staying with your friends," he asked out of the blue.

Uh, that was it. They were finally getting to the point. Interesting how he managed to reach the topic, he originally danced around mentally. Though, he had already been more eloquent regarding this before, but well, he was strained too, Hermione mused and settled for sitting cross-legged next to him, her left knee nearly touching his thigh.

"Are you seriously asking this, Severus?" she asked menacingly with very much restraint in her voice. Her fists were clenched tightly as she didn't trust herself in her annoyance by him.

"Obviously," he simply returned, looking at her, but carefully avoiding her eyes. His whole demeanor seemed to display his uneasiness with her sudden proximity. Well, he was the one, who had decided to sit down next to her although there were two comfy armchairs to choose from.

Hermione inhaled sharply. "I am having enough. I really do. This was a very- challenging day, to put it mildly, and I'm not going to start about the last fortnight. When I answer you now, I trust you to be so kind to hear me out." She took a calming breath. "Why ever would I want to be somewhere else? If there is one thing I learned about you in the last years then that you are a very private man. This private man found me, cuddled me up and soothed me. _You_ endured lots of crying and talking. You saw me. Saw what I needed and sprang into action without hesitation, even sat in a bubble-bath with me," she snorted amusedly at the memory and even Severus' lips twitched slightly, "and did so much more, but constantly throwing awkwardness and discomfort overboard in favor of ensuring my improvement – again and again. I'm well aware that no matter how willingly you did it, this was more than just a little out of your comfort zone. All of it, I mean-," she stopped short, when he became rather pale and clenched his fists. She sighed and reached out to lay her hand on his left fist, which rested on his thigh and when he didn't flinch she returned to watching him intently. "I mean although usually avoiding it, you brought me to your house, offered me a place, where it's not about being all tinsel and glitter-, a place that feels homely. And it does due to you, Severus," she added slowly and he suddenly looked at her examining as if trying to detect a lie. "You made that ring for me. I still don't have words that suit my feelings regarding this," she swallowed and added lowly-voiced, "but it made _you_ feel like my home." When he cleared his throat and squirmed a little, Hermione cut him off. "This is hard for me and I'm not done yet. Hear me out!"

Unexpectedly Severus clutched her fingers tightly and she brushed her thumb over the back of his hand.

"And we won't forget about the weirdest part of them all: You- you of all people made my homework to keep me sane and you talked sense into my former friends. However you managed that, honestly, I have no idea. And you didn't kill any of them, if I have counted correctly. I cannot even say what the bigger achievement is," she said more lightly and he twitched his lips shortly. "I'd choose staying with you over everyone else, because of all that and so much more, but- first and foremost, because I care for you- a great deal. I am not really sure how to put this, it's very personal and I'm hurting already. Gods, I'm well aware that our special kind of intimacy is irritating given that we are both heterosexual adults. At least to me it's a very confusing situation with many things unspoken."

Hermione was nervous and not quite sure how to express her thoughts on this. She dared a lot confronting him with this part anyway and told herself that if he threw her out, which surely was in the realm of probability, she'd just accept it. "I enjoy our closeness very much; I miss you, especially at night. Since you turned from me three weeks ago, I- I feel heartbroken. So I may have enjoyed us a bit too much."

Severus meanwhile intently stared at their clasped hands and had put his right one over hers caressing it gently. Hermione starred at this displayed affection too. "But I'm not willing to sacrifice your emotional well-being or our bond or friendship over it. So, whatever works or doesn't work for you any longer, I'm in. Just _tell_ me. I'm here for you if you want me to. I know I'm damaged goods, but I see you too. Well, since I know you've more layers than the average man, I see a bit of you at least. But, please let me work from there, don't shut me out again. I thought you'd trust me at least insofar by now to know that you can disable your defense mechanisms. I have come to love experiencing your sensitive side and wouldn't risk for you to hide it again."

Severus tensed at her last statement and she wished she had stopped herself before referring to his sensitivity.

"Severus?" She softly stroked his arm until he looked at her. His gaze showed awe, defeat, fascination and fear, but no anger. Her heart sank anyway. "Whatever the rules, I'll play according to them," she finished, hoping they would somehow reserve a place for her in the game. Exhausted as she was now, she tried to strengthen her defenses at the prospect of however his reaction may look like. All the same he was still holding on to her hand.

"My sensitive side," he repeated slowly, still starring at her, now with an unreadable expression.

"It's pretty hot, actually," she said throwing precautions overboard.

This took him visibly off-guard, but he gathered himself quickly to her disappointment.

"I can't imagine so- in a man," he answered.

"As much as it pains me to say, but then you clearly don't have a very vivid imagination, dear," she returned airily.

"I'm not a good man. Apart from hurting others, I'm not only past my prime, but also twenty years older than you-," he simply went on, but got interrupted.

"I mean, not that this is a challenge, but I am the one that cannot suffice- well, that is seriously damaged goods. However, my feelings for you really don't give a shit of what you think of you or your suitability," she said in a voice that hopefully didn't betray her tension on this topic.

Severus now looked at her in surprised confusion.

"What are you talking about—you cannot suffice as what?"

"I got side-tracked, but this is not important now. The actual focus of the sentence was on _you_." She was slightly distracted, but tried to hide her unease.

His look had turned into curious puzzlement. "It obviously is very important. Spit it out!"

"How am I supposed to resist such a lovely invitation," she replied sarcastically and got to her feet. Of course she could tell him about her physical inability to perform sexual intercourse, let alone the infertility, well the latter one was a whole different level of conversation of course, but she couldn't bring herself to word it after having offered so much already tonight, especially seeing that so far nothing had been returned by him actively. And after everything that he had been able to convey in the months before, she refused to count his non-dismissal as victory. No, what had been said was enough to handle for one night and she would rather postpone his opportunity to distress her with a shit-had-I-only-known-before-thank-Merlin-I-haven't-made-concessions-yet look on another occasion. She had endured it from Ron before and no matter the extent to which Severus was able to put up with her scars, she feared that he was also just a man after all, or healthy human being for that matter and some things were important at a certain point. To her too, but in this case it wasn't for her to choose. She suddenly had to fight the rising sadness of loss.

"I think I'd rather leave you to it. In case there is something you-"

In that moment Severus got to his feet as well, came to stand in front of her and cupped up her cheek.

"Please tell me, what's not important now," he gently asked and she leaned into his touch.

Hermione thought again, advocating the pros this time. It was really the last thing she had kept a secret and if she got it over with now, there would be nothing left to fret about. It was hard to be rejected for what you had to do, even harder for what you had done subconsciously, but surely hardest for what you can't help. Just like in the bad old times, when she had been resented for being Muggleborn. The issue at hand, however, was a bit more delicate.

"Could you promise to keep your famous expression of neutrality in the face of stirring information?" she asked, her face still leaning into his palm.

"I'll certainly endeavor to," he promised evasively.

She chided herself for being so easily manipulated and for wanting to be in his arms so badly, but she didn't initiate it, because she preferred not feeling his physical reaction to her concession. She fixed a point at his chest.

"Since the party I'm physically unable to perform sexual intercourse. According to the healers this had been ensured on purpose- and just to complete the record once and for all, infertility had been ensured as well, but I think you may have guessed or known," she finished quietly.

Although feeling irritated by his complete silence, she didn't dare lifting her gaze to meet his eyes. Better give him time to make sure his _endeavor_ would be successful. Unexpectedly, Severus cupped up her chin to gently lift her face up and waited until her gaze finally followed. What she saw in his black eyes was quite the contrary of a neutral facial expression. While his hand slowly wound to the back of her head and entwined her messy hair, he leaned-in to her and his lips very gently brushed hers. Hermione had to steady herself and weakly clutched his T-shirt.

"I apologize for not having kept my promise," he whispered against her lips and made her shiver. Severus took that as an incentive to repeat his kiss, but this time it was a lingering one that grew increasingly passionate and made her knees buckle. It took her a moment to outlive her surprise and return his kiss, but it felt heavenly. Severus' grip in her hair grew tighter and his other hand was on her back. Only now she recognized how much she wanted this and that he obviously did too. Her brain was slowly loosing it and she just indulged into their intimacy.

They slowly stopped their kiss and were both amazed at the delicious look of the other, with hazy eyes, flushed cheeks and swollen lips. Severus kissed her tentatively on her forehead and snuggled her to him, his mouth resting in a kiss on top of her head. When he tickled her scalp, she involuntarily started to cry silently into his chest, with relief regarding everything that had happened over the last weeks.

"You were right with what you said. Please believe me, when I say I didn't mean to cause you pain and I didn't know I did. I thought you had someone and were happy. It was a kind of self-protection-," he whispered.

Hermione slightly nodded, knowing this was as close to an apology for having been a prejudging prat as she would get from him. This was Severus after all.

"I very much want you to stay," he quietly said, "close to me, preferably."

She leaned back to look at him and on a whim led them both into his bedroom. In front of the bed, she became suddenly unsure of how to proceed and stopped, which was funny, since they'd spent a couple of nights together, but never before had they kissed or talked about sex this way. The grinning man behind her simply lifted her into his arms and put her gently into the middle of his bed before laying down right next to her and pulling the blanket over them both. Hermione couldn't help but to stare at him wide-eyed. He smiled at her, only slightly, but heartwarmingly so before he leaned in to another lingering kiss.

"Do you think you could sleep now," he asked.

"Very surely not, but feel free to go ahead. I'll just keep processing everything. My mind seems a bit slow on the uptake right now."

"I see. Thus, we'll both be awake, but your mind will be too busy to allow a decent conversation. I might just go on kissing you then. Passes the time so elegantly."

His fingers caressed her cheek again, and his thumb set out to trace one of her scars to her lips and then they kissed again, Hermione clutching her hand into his hair, softly massaging his scalp, which earned her a moan into her mouth. She instinctively melted into him and when he pressed his hot body to hers, she suddenly panicked and broke the kiss.

"Sorry, I can't, sorry-," she stammered.

Severus kept gently holding her close to ensure she wouldn't bolt.

"It's all fine. Calm down and breathe," he commanded gently and she obeyed, her eyes brimming with tears again due to feeling like a spoilsport.

"You are aware that I got your message, aren't you?- Just nod."

She did so, carefully avoiding his eyes.

"Alright, and you also remember that there are technically more ways to have sex than the traditional one? Again, just nod," he said when her eyes widened into an incomprehensive look, but she nodded.

"Perfect." He snuggled her firmly closer again. "I'm only talking for myself, but I'm not planning to have sex tonight, though I wouldn't mind more delicious kissing and semi-innocent cuddling. I'd gladly participate in more intimate—endeavors with you, but not right now." He moved to look at her. "I don't want to hurt any of us both. I mean not physically, but mentally by stirring memories of the party. I've been there too after all," he admitted with a hoarse voice, which made Hermione nuzzle closer. Now she _did_ want him and she chuckled to herself at the absurdity.

"Did I say anything amusing," he asked with a sting to his voice.

She cursed her lack of restraint and now locked eyes with him.

"On the contrary, but it stroke me that you've just confirmed what I said about your sensitive side earlier, it _is_ pretty hot. Thank you for the final proof," she said and blushed.

Severus starred at her in confusion. "_Minx_," he simply exclaimed.

"Yes, that's surely the received opinion," she managed to return under her snicker before they fully indulged into another very long and tender kiss, but both always careful that their respective passion didn't carry them away.


End file.
